Children - Advice please.....

My boy is just over 2 years old and being the main worker I am out before he gets up and home for about an hour before he goes to bed except at weekends.

When Im there he is fine, plays up a little but generally is good. Whens he's there just with my other half he seems to turn into a bit of a nightmare. He throws things and does all the things hes not meant to like touching the oven pulling things off the worktop, pushing the TV etc etc. My GF talks firmly to him and sits him down but he seems to carry on like he doesnt respect her discipline. When i say it he listens.

She does things with him most days, pre school, swimming, walks in the woods etc etc so he gets his share of activities.

Can anyone offer any advice so i can pass onto her as i know it gets her down a lot and she feels like she isnt doing it right when she does 100 times more than me.

Thanks

(Mods I couldnt find an appropriate topic but feel free to move if there is one)

Sounds like he is just after your attention mate when you're there.

Does he behave like it with her when you aren't there?

Sounds like he is just after your attention mate when you're there.

Does he behave like it with her when you aren't there?

Yes if I wasnt clear in my OP this is when Im not there and he is with her on his own. However she gives him 90% of her attention anyway.

Yes if I wasnt clear in my OP this is when Im not there and he is with her on his own. However she gives him 90% of her attention anyway.

Sorry mate I misread it my fault.

With ours whenever they do things like that, things we don't want then to do, we find it's best to try not to make a big deal of it, if they think they gain a reaction they will keep it up, most things are just games to them and pushing boundaries, especially at that age.
I find distraction the best form, rather than make a big thing of it just get their attention on something else.. A game or their favourite toy.

You have to set boundaries but as long as it's nothing too serious I find distraction a good way to stop them doing things like that.

Terrible twos and all that, they have found their voice and want to get reactions, they have bundles of energy at that age and just need distracting and entertaining.

It's tough mate especially when they have them 24/7.. Boundaries and attention

Sorry mate I misread it my fault.

With ours whenever they do things like that, things we don't want then to do, we find it's best to try not to make a big deal of it, if they think they gain a reaction they will keep it up, most things are just games to them and pushing boundaries, especially at that age.
I find distraction the best form, rather than make a big thing of it just get their attention on something else.. A game or their favourite toy.

You have to set boundaries but as long as it's nothing too serious I find distraction a good way to stop them doing things like that.

Terrible twos and all that, they have found their voice and want to get reactions, they have bundles of energy at that age and just need distracting and entertaining.

It's tough mate especially when they have them 24/7.. Boundaries and attention

Thanks PD much appreciated I will pass on, she is having a tough time of it I think.

Thanks PD much appreciated I will pass on, she is having a tough time of it I think.

I could never have done it mate, as much as I adore my two I could never do the 24/7 thing that my mrs had to do.
I'm the same as you, working 5 days, around and hour or so morning and night and at weekends.

It's far tougher on the other half, we get the good bits.

Hope she is alright mate

They will do whatever they can for attention.
Good or bad.

We had to start a traffic light system when our oldest acted up when we had a second child.
It's a reward system based on green, orange, red.

If they continued behaviour that saw them in the red I took their favourite toys off them,
sometimes for days. It was hard work early on, but seems to be paying off now.

If he values your time then maybe the reward of you reading a story at night might work.
No good behaviour - No story.

Yeah, I'd echo PD's advise about the reaction point. As he says, if it isn't something too serious it's sometimes a good idea not to react as much, which I know is instinct but sometimes children are after reaction -negative or positive. Especially at that age.

I'd put it down to the "terrible twos". Where they've found a sense of independence and are exploring their world and the reactions of those they love.

I tell you what mate, and I know he's only two and it might go against your parenting philosophy but if your Mrs uses said strategies above and he doesn't get any better (I doubt it though, it should work) a disciplined-controlled smack on the @rse might not go a miss. I know some may gasp in horror at this in the 21st Century but she may have to show him who's Alpha when you're not around.

Just my advice mate, I'd say it's a stage he's just going through at the moment.

Yeah, I'd echo PD's advise about the reaction point. As he says, if it isn't something too serious it's sometimes a good idea not to react as much, which I know is instinct but sometimes children are after reaction -negative or positive. Especially at that age.

I'd put it down to the "terrible twos". Where they've found a sense of independence and are exploring their world and the reactions of those they love.

I tell you what mate, and I know he's only two and it might go against your parenting philosophy but if your Mrs uses said strategies above and he doesn't get any better (I doubt it though, it should work) a disciplined-controlled smack on the @rse might not go a miss. I know some may gasp in horror at this in the 21st Century but she may have to show him who's Alpha when you're not around.

Just my advice mate, I'd say it's a stage he's just going through at the moment.

I'd say she is a long way down the road from that, sounds like it's just a boundary pushing thing rather than excessive bad behaviour..

I've never gone down the smack route, don't get me wrong I had that growing up and each to their own within reason but I try for a calmer approach, then if I have to raise my voice they know that I mean it..

All you have to remember is your kids adore you and look up to you like you adore them, you may he knackered but all they want is your attention.

Bloody hard work though, my eldest is 5 soon and as much as it's been the greatest thing it's also the toughest thing.

People need help with kids, you do your best by them and love them and you can do no more..

I had never looked after anything til we had Ben, f**k I could hardly look after myself.. You get it though and once you have adjusted it becomes the best thing in the world.

Thanks PD and Beerbelly......its more of a boundary pushing thing I think but I will give her all your advice.

The only thing I'd add is that punishment creates resentment, which then creates more problems, so I've always tried to avoid it.

As a grandfather now I'm watching my kids with no little amusement as they try to cope with the same things I did.

Racers idea of the traffic lights is a good one because it gives visual cues to the child where they don't necessarily understand words.

I always found some alone time for them works pretty well, and reinforcing the good behaviour with the attention they want, some of which (I think) should be play time based around something that will occupy their minds rather than just their bodies.

I know it's tough, but in time it will pass. The trick is to instill what you consider to be an acceptable reward/behaviour pattern and stick to it, so that they learn to understand boundaries.
I always found the biting to be the worst, and one of mine went through a phase of spitting as well. Taking things away (like toys and such) didn't work very well, but taking away attention for a little while, then bringing it back with affection worked wonders.

I've got two boys - 13 and nearly 11 now and my wife struggled a bit with the older one around the same age that you're talking about. Wasn't really an issue till the wee guy came along.

We did what most people do...tried to be calm, implemented systems etc etc (all of which have value) and then (regrettably) got exasperated and shouted and then felt terrible guilt and on the cycle goes. I was away from 5 in the morning till at least 7 at night 4 days a week commuting and spent the other day in airports and the centre of London. They were tough times - more for my Mrs than anybody as truly I think she was just lonely.

I found that the best disciplinary method was prevention and not cure - I talk to the kids using a bit of humour to get to bottom of things and we have mostly managed to avoid escalation. My Mrs provides the framework and I do the investigative / review type chats where something isn't right with one of them and/or her relationship with them.

The boys know that I will listen and talk things through so they don't tend to worry but likewise they know their Mum is there on the spot is something is needing done immediately. If I go through gears and raise voice then they know it's a big deal.

You have to work out what you can both give when you're there and not try to level off contributions between you as that's almost impossible to do.

Finally - don't be too hard on yourself individually or judge each other too harshly. This isn't meant to be easy but it is worth it.

As a grandfather now I'm watching my kids with no little amusement as they try to cope with the same things I did.

I am doing the exact same thing with mine, my daughter even asked me how we managed with the two of them you just do you learn as you go on there are no rules because every kid is different with different needs and so on,

SM,
Try visiting babycentre.co.uk
The site has some good stuff from bump to baby to pre- schoolers.
Hope this helps you and your better half.
Best.

I find distraction usually works quite well.  Kids even at a very young age need stimulation, involve them in your day to day routines like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc and they usually prefer that rather than being given something to amuse themselves with to get them from under your feet.

My granddaughter was a nightmare for her mum when out shopping, never wanted to go in a trolley or stay in a buggy as she wanted to run around the shop causing mayhem.  When she comes with me she's in the trolley but helps to choose the items, gets to touch, smell and identify fruit, vegetables, meat, fish etc and puts them in the trolley.

At home she helps with peeling and chopping veg, helps with the cooking and puts away pots, helps with the washing, tidying up and cleaning.  Not only does it keep her occupied but it teaches her that she's a valued member of the household.

It always seems easier, quicker and probably safer to get things done without involving them but if you're constantly having to stop what you're doing to see to them, it really isn't.

Oh and before anyone jumps on the "sexist" bandwagon, I did exactly the same with my son.  At 2 years old when my daughter arrived he could strip his own bed ready for washing, could put the clean sheet back on (but not the duvet cover or pillow cases) and put his own clothes and toys away. 

My sister has done exactly the same with her grandson from an early age and at 6 he can and does prepare and cook a meal, with supervision.

Another thing that does help is to set aside time for them where they get your undivided attention even if it's to watch their favourite tv programme with them.  This is probably why dads get the "quality time" without the tantrums as they only have eyes for their child.

Make sure there is consistency with the way discipline is handled between you and your girlfriend. One thing kids (even small ones) will notice is inconsistency and they will use that to their advantage. Not only that but inconsistency can create confusion for the children as well and it leads them to be frustrated and possibly acting out. Not all kids, but most need structure and when they don't have it, that's when they are prone to go off the boil.

Routine , Routine and more Routine...
and you and your other half set the Routine..
Once they have it in their heads that that is how life is then you're half way there.

A big Routine for our two Sons when they we're toddlers (15 & 10 now) was making sure their evening wind down time was adhered too..
You know the score..
Tea Time together as a Family(If possible) and have good gab and a laugh together.
Bath time fun
All clean and PJ's on
Storytime and bedtime bottle with Mum or Dad (Usually me , but that was ace and meant a lot to me) and maybe , just maybe, if they've been good, ONE episode of Tellytubbies or Fireman Sam or whatever their fav programme is these days..
Then off to bed at a reasonable time, to sleep I might add, so Mum & Dad can spend some quality time together for the remainder of the evening,

It has it's moments as we all know but if you stick to it, it works..
One thing that we insisted on was that both lads did NOT sleep during the day , whoever was looking after them, her sister , her folks, my folks , the childminder, the nursery.. we tried to drill it in them that max nap time was around 30 mins and early in the afternoon as possible so that when it did get to evening time after bath time they we're ready for bed...you could tell, as parents if this routine had been stuck too otherwise you were dealing with a very wide awake little boy at 10/11 at night which used to really piss me n herself off..Obviously if they are poorly then thats different..

Too many children are allowed to "rule the roost" these days with their late night demands and tantrums and poor, knackered Mum & Dad give in just to keep the peace and quiet..

It's when they get a bit older and they discover "Technology" that the fun starts !!. Facebook , Nintendo DS , Xbox , PS4 , Instagram , Google, Amazon, i-Pad , Wii , Mobile Phones , Laptops , Kindle ...but thats another thread mate..


 MAKE THE ROUTINE YOURS 

My boy is just over 2 years old and being the main worker I am out before he gets up and home for about an hour before he goes to bed except at weekends.

Sorry SM , meant to ask , what time you up and out of a morning? Is it too early to get the wee man up and have breakfast with him etc before you leave for work? good start to the day with Dad?..
He could then have a bit of a snooze around lunchtime, giving your GF a break for 30 mins or so?
What time do you get home from work?..Is he good to go to bed/sleep of an evening?..
There's only so many hours in a day mate I know but it's how you plan them out that matters
The mad thing is you set a routine up then 6 months down the line you need to evolve it as they grow and suss it out..

I find distraction usually works quite well.  Kids even at a very young age need stimulation, involve them in your day to day routines like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc and they usually prefer that rather than being given something to amuse themselves with to get them from under your feet.

My granddaughter was a nightmare for her mum when out shopping, never wanted to go in a trolley or stay in a buggy as she wanted to run around the shop causing mayhem.  When she comes with me she's in the trolley but helps to choose the items, gets to touch, smell and identify fruit, vegetables, meat, fish etc and puts them in the trolley.

At home she helps with peeling and chopping veg, helps with the cooking and puts away pots, helps with the washing, tidying up and cleaning.  Not only does it keep her occupied but it teaches her that she's a valued member of the household.

It always seems easier, quicker and probably safer to get things done without involving them but if you're constantly having to stop what you're doing to see to them, it really isn't.

Oh and before anyone jumps on the "sexist" bandwagon, I did exactly the same with my son.  At 2 years old when my daughter arrived he could strip his own bed ready for washing, could put the clean sheet back on (but not the duvet cover or pillow cases) and put his own clothes and toys away. 

My sister has done exactly the same with her grandson from an early age and at 6 he can and does prepare and cook a meal, with supervision.

Another thing that does help is to set aside time for them where they get your undivided attention even if it's to watch their favourite tv programme with them.  This is probably why dads get the "quality time" without the tantrums as they only have eyes for their child.

cool. I really like your advice. Anyhow I won't call the method above as distraction though. I think I'd call it "giving them responsibilities that they can cope and like" 

Kids like it when parents ask them for their advice (no matter on how trivial issues), and they'd definitely feel treasured when we ask them to do chores that we do like cleaning, cooking etc.

I'm a young (i think :p) dad, and hope I can learn many more things from this thread here

Anyway for SM, I think your boy is just trying to get your attention. Little boys like to rumble with their dads.. so maybe you could spend 15 minutes of your time everyday before he goes to sleep to rumble with him? Rumble here means play-fighting (sorry english isn't my native language) with him. My 3 year old son, almost everyday in the morning or night he would ask me to play-fight with him. Of course, I'm the one who should die everytime