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      Jokes Thread

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      smigger15
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      • YNWA - JFT96
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #115: May 16, 2007 09:09:23 am
      Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
      He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

      The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
       
      The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore nuff is, little lady.  Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
      The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

      Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
      "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

       ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
      sk
      • Forum Jari Litmanen
      • *

      • 48 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #116: May 17, 2007 03:34:04 pm
      These have got nothing to do with football but I wanted to share them with all my fellow reds.

      1. Hilary Clinton
      Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upper New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
      Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
      About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
      "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
      "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!"
      "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
      The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just had an accident and killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it!


      2. Strange but true!
      This was apparently in the Washington Post - the title of which was, "Best Come Back Line Ever."

      In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula,  GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

      Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

      The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
      "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

      Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
      "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
      In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett   County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

      "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."

      Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
      a pumpkin?'

      He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

      "A pumpkin?  F**k me, is it midnight already?"
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 5,557 posts | 233 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #117: Jun 02, 2007 02:35:51 pm
      Ralph and his girlfriend Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while  they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped  into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

      Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and  pulled him out.

      When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's  heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the  hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

      When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good  news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since  you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving  the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays  sound mindedness.

      The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe  belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

      Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon  can I go home?"


      ************************************************************

      What's the difference between Michael Jackson & Acne?

      Acne Doesn't come on your face until you're 14  :D
      mattmcg
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      • 2,410 posts | 103 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #118: Jun 02, 2007 03:16:58 pm
      Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

      The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

      In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

      The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

      The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"




      An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

      The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
      The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
      The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE b***ard, SPIT IT OUT!!
      Court LFC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 8,496 posts | 182 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #119: Jun 02, 2007 03:35:20 pm
      Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

      The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

      In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

      The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

      The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"




      An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

      The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
      The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
      The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE b***ard, SPIT IT OUT!!

      Love it!! :D :D :D
      Nicola
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #120: Jun 03, 2007 11:12:02 am
      HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

      Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
      hamper
      according to
      lights and darks
      Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
      see husband
      along
      the way, cover up any exposed areas.
      Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
      mental note
      to do
      more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

      Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
      cloth, long
      loofah,
      wide loofah and pumice stone.
      Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
      with 43 added
      vitamins.
      Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

      Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
      enhanced.

      Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
      10 minutes
      until
      red.

      Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
      cake body
      wash. Rinse
      conditioner off hair.
      Shave armpits and legs
      Turn off shower.
      Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
      Spray mold spots with Tilex.

      Get out of shower.
      Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair
      in super
      absorbent
      towel.
      Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
      on head.
      If you
      see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

      HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

      Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
      and leave them in
      a pile.

      Walk naked to the bathroom.

      If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
      making the
      woo-woo
      sound.

      Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the
      size of
      your
      wiener and scratch your ass.

      Get in the shower.

      Wash your face.

      Wash your armpits.

      Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

      Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Stick head out
      of shower
      to
      admire and laugh at it in the mirror.
       
      Rinse off and get out of shower.
      Partially dry off.

      Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
      hanging out of
      tub the
      whole time.

      Admire wiener size in mirror again.

      Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
      fan on.

      Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
      wife,
      pull off
      towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound
      again.

      Throw wet towel on bed.

      Have a great day! Oh,
      and.....

      Woo-Woo!!!
       ;)

      I've heard it soo many times but it still makes me laugh ;D
      kelv78
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #121: Jun 03, 2007 03:42:43 pm
      So true aswell Nicola
      Court LFC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #122: Jun 14, 2007 12:48:15 pm
      A man, is sitting at a bar with a pint.

      A big fella comes up to him, takes it off him, and drinks it.

      The man puts his head in his hands and begins to cry.

      The big fella says "sorry mate, i hate to see a man cry. i'll buy you another"

      The man says "its been the worst day of my life"

      "first i'm late for work and my boss fires me, i come out of my work and my car has been nicked, and the police can't do anythin"

      "then i get a taxi home and realize i've left my wallet and my cards in the taxi, and it just drives off"

      "and then lastly you come in, and drink my poison!!"

      bruno7
      • Forum Michael Robinson
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      • 52 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #123: Jun 14, 2007 04:39:43 pm
      Its old but il post it anyway....

      An 80year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.

      For 40 minutes they shagged. Arms and legs going everywhere until
      they fell too the floor.

      ''Christ'' She said, ''You didn't Fcuk Me like that 50years ago!'' To which the old man Replies
      ''50 years ago that fence wasn't fcuking electric!''
      RED1028
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #124: Jun 15, 2007 11:19:22 pm
      Liverpool FC have allegedly placed a bid for West Hams' Yousi Beanayoun.
      That's it..! :o ???
      kelv78
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #125: Jun 16, 2007 11:35:13 am
      Michael Barrymore was asked if he was doing panto this year "no " he replied "i done aldin 6 years ago and ive never heard the end of it since"
      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #126: Jun 18, 2007 08:47:00 pm
      A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm says to the barman "2 pints please! One for me and one for the road"!

      If you ever get pulled over for speeding!
       
      A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

      Officer: May I see your driver's license?

      Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

      Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

      Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

      Officer: The car is stolen?

      Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

      Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

      Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

      Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

      Driver: Yes, mate.

      Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

      Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

      Driver: Sure. Here it is.

      It was valid.

      Captain: Who's car is this?

      Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

      Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

      Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

      Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

      Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

      Driver: No problem.

      Boot is opened; no body.

      Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

      Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b***ard told you I was speeding, as well.
       
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #127: Jun 20, 2007 12:00:01 pm
      A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to
      bury  my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your
      breasts' he says.
      You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my
      husband.'

      The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid
      accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your
      pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it
      all
      off' he  says.

      'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.

      again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
      'One  more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want
      to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink
      every last drop.


      The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs
      to
      fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '

      What's up, love?' he asks.

      There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts
      and lick the sweat off' she says.

      I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.

      Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and
      lick it off' she screams.

      'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

      Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
      Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.

      the husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
      switches
      the telly back on.

      Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

      Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of
      Guinness.....
      Naza05
      • Forum Peter Beardsley
      • **

      • 182 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #128: Jun 21, 2007 01:52:29 pm
      This one is a bit long but i guarantee a laugh

      A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

      For those of you who have lived in Texas you know how true this is they actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

      Frank: recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there next to the judges table asking for directions to the Corrs Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

      Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

      Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
      Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
      Judge # 3 - Holy #@^&, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
      I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

      Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
      Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
      Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I've had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

      Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
      Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
      Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting #@^&-faced from all of the beer.

      Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
      Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
      Judge # 3 - I felt something sC%^ping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb bi*ch is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

      Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
      Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
      Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

      Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
      Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
      Judge# 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I #@^& myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

      Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
      Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
      Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like #@^& to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

      Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
      Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

      liverpool07
      • Forum Jari Litmanen
      • *

      • 43 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #129: Jun 22, 2007 07:50:12 pm
      three blondes on a iland jeany popps up and say he will grant them all one wish
      1st one:i have a boat-she hits an rock and dies
      2nd:gets a plane:she crashes and dies
      3rd:say she want to be clever she turns into a man and walk across the bridge
      redkenny
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      • 97 - Always Remembered
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #130: Jun 23, 2007 02:25:07 pm
      A convict breaks into a married couples house and ties up the husband and wife. He then jumps on the wife, kisses her ear and runs to the bathroom.
      Husband tells wife "satisfy him or he'll kill us!! I saw the way he kissed you! Just be strong!! I love you."
      Wife replies "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay and he's looking for vaseline. I told him it's in the bathroom! Let's see who's f**kin' strong now!!!"
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 5,557 posts | 233 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #131: Jun 24, 2007 02:50:00 pm
      A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

      Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

      The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

      The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
      a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not
      need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

      OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

      Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

      Several hours later he staggered back.
      "Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie."
      Nicola
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #132: Jun 26, 2007 11:14:49 am
      Keep them coming you guys these are great ;D
      AussieRed
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #133: Jun 27, 2007 09:55:43 pm
      A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
      > to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
      > came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The
      > boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
      >
      > As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
      > nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
      > contact.
      > After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
      > to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
      >
      > He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
      > against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
      > purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
      >
      > Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
      > ears.'
      >
      > Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
      > they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
      > and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
      > that the best part of my body is my ears?'
      >
      > Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
      > someone coming.... that was me.'
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #134: Jul 18, 2007 02:05:07 pm
      What do you call this:



      Wearing a backpack full of explosives?







































      A suicide comma!

       :D :D :D
      LFC Gary
      • Forum Jari Litmanen
      • *

      • 48 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #135: Jul 18, 2007 04:07:21 pm
       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      smigger15
      • Forum Legend - Paisley
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      • 14,421 posts | 284 
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #136: Jul 18, 2007 06:57:38 pm
      To My Dear Wife,

      You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
      years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
      as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
      not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
      18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
      shall be home before midnight."


      When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
      dining room table:


      My Dear Husband,

      I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
      years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
      also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
      would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
      Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
      coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
      successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will
      understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
      difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
      Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were
      staring At a portrait that had them completely confused.

      The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park
      bench.

      Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a
      pink willy.

      The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble
      Interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

      He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
      sexual Emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
      patriarchal Society.

      "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the
      pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
      experienced By gay men in contemporary society".

      After the curator left, an Welshman approached the couple and said,would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

      "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
      the Gallery?", asked the couple.

      "Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture," he replied.

       "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
       they're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
         
         
      Bpatel
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
      • *****

      • 9,902 posts | 158 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #137: Jul 19, 2007 08:28:06 pm
      Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
      A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

      One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.

      The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

      They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.

      The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door.

      It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

      "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room.

      They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

      It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

      The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

      The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

      It was the cow and the pig.

      A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

      "Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

      "No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

      "Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"

      "No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

      The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

      "I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.

      "Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

      "Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"


       
      « Last Edit: Jul 19, 2007 08:43:17 pm by Bpatel »

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