Jokes Thread

There are five men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martinez.
 
The first round of beers was on Mourinho. He bought a
 Portuguese beer for each of the others.
 
The second round was on Martinez. He bought everybody a
 San Miguel.
 
The third round was on Wenger. He bought everybody a glass of red wine.
 
The fourth round was on Rodgers. He bought a pint for all, except for Moyes.

Looking confused, Mr. Moyes asked, "Hey guys what about my pint?"
 
Rodgers looked at him and replied, "Sorry David, this is the
 fourth round. And you are NOT in it!"
 

Just come in from the pub where some fella asked did I want to buy eight legs of venison?£40..all I said was thats two deer mate'. .

Just come in from the pub where some fella asked did I want to buy eight legs of venison?£40..all I said was thats two deer mate'. .

Still cracks me up 

Went for a walk this morning with the dog and noticed two lads acting strange so I called the police,one drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks,anyway the police charged one lad and let the other off!... .

That's two crackers now mate 

That's two crackers now mate 

Sometimes i'm ok' and sometimes i'm just plain stupid?.Must be the Penderyn!.

Sometimes i'm ok' and sometimes i'm just plain stupid?.Must be the Penderyn!.

Penderyn, now that's a cracker. 10 miles up the road 

Two canibals eating a clown,one turns to the other and said,"does he taste funny to you".

 A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so
he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your
mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she
said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said
she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
 
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could
be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a queer
 

Took the kids to the zoo yesterday - walked round the whole place , took 4 hours and saw one fkn dog  the whole day.

What a f#ckin shih tzu!

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
 



'You got Male!

Nice one Ian haha.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology
- all we did was correct his eyesight."

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
 
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.  The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
 
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.  The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
 

I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

 This is too beautiful not to share!
 This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
 

 
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
 

 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.
What does it mean?"
 

 
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian name. It mean ..."
 

 
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
 
 

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

An Englishmen, a Mexican, and a Texan were on an airplane when the pilot came from the cabin, said the plane is going down, and jumped out with a parachute.  They looked around and there were only two parachutes for the three of them.  The Englishmen yelled, "God save the queen", grabbed one of the parachutes, and left.  The Texan yelled, "Remember the Alamo", threw the Mexican out, and grabbed the last parachute.

Wicked, but funny all the same. Sorry if you're offended.

Three pregnant women sitting on a bench in the park knitting.
 First one says, I'm taking calcium tablets so my baby will have strong bones and nice teeth.
Second one says I' taking vitamin 'c' tablets so my baby has good eye sight and nice skin.
Third one says, I'm taking Thalidomide tablets, cos I can't knit sleeves.

Two old people in a retirement home get together and become an item. They get married and look forward to their first night together.
During their first sexual encounter, the old fella goes down on his new wife, but after a couple of minutes, comes back up and says, " sorry love, but I can't stay down there, it F***ing stinks"
"Yeah, sorry about that" she says, "it's my arthritis".
 "What he says, arthritis in your fanny"?
"No" she says, "It's in my wrists, I can't wipe my arse "

Got home from work yesterday and my missus had my bags packed on the door step. I said what's this all about then.
She said... I want you to leave you b***ard. And I hope you have a slow and painfull death.
Oh, so you want me to stay now then.

After my wife had just given birth to our son I said to the midwife, " how long before we can have sex then"
"Well my shift finishes in about half an hour. Shall we make it about forty minutes in the car park" she replied.

Miss Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest half turned to the altar boy and whispered out the side of his mouth, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

Got home from work yesterday and my missus had my bags packed on the door step. I said what's this all about then.
She said... I want you to leave you b***ard. And I hope you have a slow and painfull death.
Oh, so you want me to stay now then.