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      Jokes Thread

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      Rafa La Bamba
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      • 3,895 posts | -157 
      • In Rafa We Trust
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #69: Mar 30, 2007 12:53:49 am
      A liverpool fan was driving home after thrashing man utd 3-0. The liverpool fan saw a preist asking for a ride home and decided its the only right thing to do. As he was driving the preist home, he saw a man utd fan walking in the street. He was tempted to run the scum over, so he speed up to him until he was about to hit him, then suddenly remebered the preist was in the back, so he quickly swerved away and narrowly missed him but there was still a loud bang. The liverpool fan said to the preist "im sorry father I almost hit that person", the preist replied "dont worry I hit the f**ker with my door!!"

      :laugh: love em, where do you find them all?
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #70: Apr 01, 2007 06:55:48 pm


       :D :D :D
      batman0077
      • Forum Billy Liddell
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      • 564 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #71: Apr 01, 2007 07:34:19 pm
      brilliant!!! :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014:
      Watt
      • Forum Ian Callaghan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #72: Apr 02, 2007 02:05:31 am
      Cy
      • Guest
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #73: Apr 02, 2007 06:10:34 pm
       A man from Liverpool, was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar inthe hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the scouser.
      'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
      The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
      The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
      They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.



      « Last Edit: Apr 02, 2007 06:14:20 pm by Cy »
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #74: Apr 03, 2007 02:43:00 pm
      Pakistanis have decided to stop playing cricket and take up Bob slaying instead.  :D :D :D
      mattmcg
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #75: Apr 03, 2007 03:18:31 pm
      Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

      The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

      The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

      The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6... 7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

      The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #76: Apr 05, 2007 02:36:16 pm
      Subject: Bob Woolmer- Police Breakthrough

      In what may be a major breakthrough, Jamaican police investigating thesuspicious death of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer have released aphotograph of a man who was heard shouting "Woolmer" and angrily banging onhis door in the early hours of the morning. They are hopeful that a member of the public will recognise him.



       :D :D :D
      AussieRed
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #77: Apr 06, 2007 01:14:32 am
      >Condom says to Stayfree; When you work, I lose seven days of business.
      >Stayfree replies; If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
      >months.
      >
      >A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: Why do you have
      >your tits on your back?; The camel responded: What a silly question
      >from someone who has a dick on his face!
      >
      >
      >A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She  took him to her
      >apartment and said: tie me to the bed and do what black men do best! so
      >he ran off with the TV and DVD...
      >
      >Wife: I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!
      >Husband: I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW
      >ONE; every morning!
      >
      >A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
      >blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, the father
      >named the baby SUM TING WONG.
      >
      >A lady visited her doctor one morning.
      >Doc said: You look so weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals 3
      >times a day as I advised? Lady : Doc, I thought you said "3 MALES a day!"


      >             The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and
      > sees a
      > blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
      > and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
      >
      >             As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you
      > dressed like this?"
      >
      >             The Cowboy says,
      >
      >             "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the
      > road
      > and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
      > with her
      > So I did.
      >
      >             We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
      > my shirt . so I did.
      >
      >             Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
      > pants ..
      > so I did.
      >
      >             Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
      > shorts
      > .. so I did.
      >
      >             Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and
      > says,
      > "Now go to town cowboy... ",
      >
      >             and here I am."
      >
      >
      >             Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!! ;)
      Nicola
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      • YNWA
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #78: Apr 09, 2007 07:22:04 pm
      Eskimo on holiday in Wales, suddenly the car he is driving breaks down.
      So he rings for the A.A.
      After a while, the A.A. man turns up and starts to examine the engine,
      "You've blown a seal" he tells the eskimo,
      "Fcuk you" replies the eskimo, "you sh4g sheep !!"
      Haha I love it  ;D

      A Liverpool Fan walking along the beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a genie.
      I will grant you three wishes said the genie.But there is a catch.
      What catch ? the man asked
      The genie replied,Every time you make a eish every man utd fan in the world will recieve double the wish you were granted.
      Well I can live with that!No problem replied the man.
      What is your first wish asked the genie
      Well I always wanted a Ferrari
      POOF ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man
      Now every Man Utd fan in the world has two Ferraris said the genie.Next Wish?
      I'd love a million pounds replied the man
      POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet
      Now every Man Utd fan has two million pounds said the genie
      Well that's okay as long as I've got my million replied the man
      What is your third and final wish?
      The man thought long and hard and finally said,Well you know I've always wanted to donate a Kidney.....
      Niiiiice  :D

      A three legged dog limps into a saloon and looks round and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw
      I'll get me coat

      I don't get it??  ???
      ASF
      • Forum Gary McAllister
      • *

      • 96 posts |
      • Lets get a kitty
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #79: Apr 15, 2007 05:09:09 pm
      A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

      The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

      "You noticed then," quips the duck.

      "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

      "Of course I can talk," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

      "Certainly," says the landlord, "Sorry about that, it's just that we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

      "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

      This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

      The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"

      "Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "Get him to give me a call."

      So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"

      "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

      "At the circus," says the landlord.

      "The circus?" the duck enquires.

      "That's right," replies the landlord.

      "The circus?"

      "Yes!"

      "That place with the big tent?"

      "Yeah!"

      "With all the animals?"

      "Of course!"

      "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.

      "That's right," says the landlord.

      The duck, now looking confused replied:

      "What the hell would they want with a F***ing plasterer?"

      =========================================================

      A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

      The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

      The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

      The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

      The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

      The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

      The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

      The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

      The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
      MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

      With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

      The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

      The bartender, puzzled, said no.

      The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
       
      =========================================================

      A bus full of Nuns die in a crash and find themselves outside St Peters
      gates. Peter asks the 1st Nun "Have you ever had any contact with a Penis?"
      "I once touched one with my fingers" was the reply. ""Then dip your finger
      in Holy Water and Enter" Said the Angel.

      To the next Nun the same Question. "I once fondled a Penis " she stated."Put
      your offending hand in Holy Water my child and enter" said St Peter.

      All of a sudden there was a commotion and a Nun pushes to the front. "Whoa"
      said Peter "whats the rush?".

      "Well" said the Nun " if i'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water your
      Reverance, I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her Arse in it
      Cy
      • Guest
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #80: Apr 19, 2007 12:49:23 pm
        One day a woman...

      Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
       complaining to my husband that my breasts are too
      small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's
       not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
       suggestion.

      "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
       take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them
       for a few seconds"

       Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet
       paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
      between my breasts.

      "How long will this take?" I asked.

      "They will grow larger over a period of years," my
       husband replies.

       I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
       toilet paper between my  breasts every day will make
      my breasts larger over the years?"

        Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your
       butt, didn't it?"
      mrtommo
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #81: Apr 19, 2007 03:29:37 pm
      I pulled a MILF at a club the other night,
      She was mid 50's and looked after herself in all the right places,
      We drank wine, had a bit of a snog and talked about life,
      Suddenly she asked me if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some,
      I replied quite shocked 'no',
      So more wine was drunk and we got more touchy touchy,
      This is going to be your lucky night she gently whisphered in my ear,
      We rushed back to hers,
      Giggling away in the hallway she turned the light and and shouted upstairs,
       
      MUM, are you still awake.....

      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      I got my sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up this afternoon,
      I ended up having 40 wa**s
      Nicola
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      • YNWA
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #82: Apr 19, 2007 05:08:02 pm
      Love them guys!! ;D
      AussieRed
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #83: Apr 20, 2007 09:03:49 am
      mrtommo...that second one is an absolute pearler ;D
      kelv78
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #84: Apr 24, 2007 12:40:46 pm
      Whats the difference between a man utd fan and a trampoliine?

      you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #85: Apr 24, 2007 12:44:15 pm
      There's this potato, right, and his three daughters are getting married. Daughter number one comes up and says Dad, I'm going to marry King Edward. And dad says wow, brilliant, you have my blessing. And potato daughter number two comes up and say Dad I’m going to marry Jersey Royal. And dad says darling that's wonderful, you have my blessing etc etc.
      And potato daughter number three comes up and says Dad, I'm going to marry John Motson. And her dad hits the roof. "You will get out of my house and never return," he screams. "So long as you're my daughter you will never marry John Motson, because................. ........................ ...........







































      ..........he's a common tater."

       :D :D :D :D :D
      priesty10
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      • Rafa, Gone but not forgotten
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #86: Apr 24, 2007 01:06:25 pm
      There's this potato, right, and his three daughters are getting married. Daughter number one comes up and says Dad, I'm going to marry King Edward. And dad says wow, brilliant, you have my blessing. And potato daughter number two comes up and say Dad I’m going to marry Jersey Royal. And dad says darling that's wonderful, you have my blessing etc etc.
      And potato daughter number three comes up and says Dad, I'm going to marry John Motson. And her dad hits the roof. "You will get out of my house and never return," he screams. "So long as you're my daughter you will never marry John Motson, because................. ........................ ...........


      ..........he's a common tater."

       :D :D :D :D :D

      oh dear :D
      mrtommo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #87: Apr 24, 2007 02:21:27 pm
      There's a new drug on the market !!!
      It's 50% Viagra & 50% Prozac,
      It's absolutly fantastic  ;D
      If you don't get a fcuk, you don't give a fcuk  ;)
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
      • **

      • 234 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #88: Apr 24, 2007 07:06:09 pm

      I got my sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up this afternoon,
      I ended up having 40 wa**s

      chemists have now invented viagra eye drops - they do nowt for your sex life but they do make you look hard!

      chemists in Yorkshire have been converting ecstascy in to liquid form that you can inject straight in to your mouth - they call it E-by-gum!
      Cy
      • Guest
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #89: Apr 29, 2007 11:06:17 pm
      HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

      Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
      hamper
      according to
      lights and darks
      Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
      see husband
      along
      the way, cover up any exposed areas.
      Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
      mental note
      to do
      more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

      Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
      cloth, long
      loofah,
      wide loofah and pumice stone.
      Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
      with 43 added
      vitamins.
      Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

      Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
      enhanced.

      Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
      10 minutes
      until
      red.

      Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
      cake body
      wash. Rinse
      conditioner off hair.
      Shave armpits and legs
      Turn off shower.
      Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
      Spray mold spots with Tilex.

      Get out of shower.
      Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair
      in super
      absorbent
      towel.
      Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
      on head.
      If you
      see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

      HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

      Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
      and leave them in
      a pile.

      Walk naked to the bathroom.

      If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
      making the
      woo-woo
      sound.

      Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the
      size of
      your
      wiener and scratch your ass.

      Get in the shower.

      Wash your face.

      Wash your armpits.

      Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

      Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Stick head out
      of shower
      to
      admire and laugh at it in the mirror.
       
      Rinse off and get out of shower.
      Partially dry off.

      Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
      hanging out of
      tub the
      whole time.

      Admire wiener size in mirror again.

      Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
      fan on.

      Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
      wife,
      pull off
      towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound
      again.

      Throw wet towel on bed.

      Have a great day! Oh,
      and.....

      Woo-Woo!!!
       ;)
      batman0077
      • Forum Billy Liddell
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #90: Apr 30, 2007 02:07:32 am
       :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :ernaehrung004: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014:
      RedWilly
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #91: Apr 30, 2007 09:48:08 pm
      Haha brilliant Cy!! Funny thing is it's all true aswell!!

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