Liverpool Football School

Another quality part of the story, some really funny bits in there.
I always know I'm going to be impressed when I open this thread and there's a new bit to read!
Keep it going DLS

Haha love it!
Quality work DLS.

Quality stuff Sir Paul.

right with the international break, I'm having a break as well. No more of this for a fortnight. (don't blame me, blame the internationals )

right well ladies, gents and beasts it's back...shortly, just giz an hour or so and the next edition should be done.

I know you've all had sleepless nights worrying about it. I know you feel your lives are empty without this, well not to fear, I've come to save you from suicide and bring happiness and joy back into your life

As the areoplanes landed at Speke and all the lads made their way back to school today to see what Mr. Benitez and Mr. Pellgrino had planned for them during the half term break. Some of the kids didn't go away of course and have been busy doing other things. For example Jamie Carragher has been bullying The Mirror into printing parts of his new book. Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres were nursing each other in hospital. Meanwhile Jay Spearing, Stephen Darby and Steven Irwin went to look at the giant spider in Liverpool.

Meanwhile the teachers were eagerly aticpitating the arrival of Manchester United's school. They decided that some new faces should be brought into the school to help beat the Manchester school. They also let some of the older kids go like Finnan and Voronin.

The kids all got to school on time and awaited Mr. Benitez' assembly.

Benitez:   "OK lads there's some new students with us for now and some of our old friends have gone. First I'd like to welcome Albert Reira and Vito Flora to the school and I expect all of you to make them feel welcome. And by all of you I mean all of you Carragher."

Carragher:   "First day back and ye already givin me aggro. What's your problem mate?"

Hyypia:   "His wife."

There's a loud laugh around the class but Mr. Benitez stood starring at Hyypia.

Benitez:   "What a shame on the first day back but Hyypia you've got detention."

Spearing:   "Ah eh sir he was only 'avin a laugh."

Benitez:   "Do you want to join him Spearing?"

Spearing:   "What with your wife sir? No ta."

The class eruptted again into laughter.

Benitez:   "Well you will be joining him now Spearing. The two of you on detention and if you've got any smart remarks to make Carragher you can make it a threesome."

Irwin:   "Threesome that's a rude word."

Insua:   "You're so stupid Steven. Aren't you past the age of laughing at words of that nature?"

Spearing:   "Shut it Brains, if Ste wants to laugh let him."

Insua:   "But shouldn't he be more mature?"

Spearing:   "We don't all take life as serious as you lad. Some of us like to 'ave a laugh. Know what I mean?"

Insua:   "I like to have a laugh as well. Only the other day I was in hysterics with a friend because an old woman thought Pluto was a Disney character and not a planet. Laugh, well I thought we'd never stop."

Irwin:   "It is a disney character ye berk. Pluto the dog."

Benitez:   "Right that's it, no more talking. Get on with writing about what you did over the holidays."

The class got on with the work until Xabi Alonso broke the silence.

Alonso:   "I say Robert, I'm extremely sorry to hear about your household being broken into. You have my deepest sympathy and I sincerally hope you do get all your belongings back. If there's anythig I could possibly do to make your hurt easier then I would do without hesititation. I feel oblidged to help you as you are part of the school now."

Keane:   "Cheers Xabi, but that's OK. My uncle's next door neighbour's sister's daughter's boyfriend knows who did it. So I'll be getting my stuff back soon anyway.

Alonso:   "Well that is good to hear chum, I hope you give those rapscallians a real stern telling off.

Carragher:   "Eh Rob, you want me and a few of the boys to do them in for ye?"

Keane:   "No that's alright mate. Just want my stuff back that's all."

Babel:   "Did they take your playboy Rob?"

Keane:   "No mate. Didn't get that far."

Arbeloa:   "Far, far away, with my head up in the clouds."

Agger:   "He's off again. Still singing."

Carragher:   "That's what I love abar this place. Nuttin ever changes la."

The conversations began to die down and the only noise was Javier Mascherno growling to himself.

The dinner time bell rang and the lads made their way to the canteen.

Reira:   "Erm...excuse me, I'm new and don't know which way to go."

Reina:   "That's alright mate just follow the smell, you'll find it sooner or later.

Reira:   "Couldn't you take me? Show me the way?"

Reina:   "I'm not a F***ing guide dog mate. Like I said, just follow the smell. If that doesn't work come find me. OK."

Reira:   "Yes OK."

The other lads were all line for their dinner.

Lee:   "Alright Andy, how was ye 'oliday?"

Dossena:   "It was very much good thank you. We ate food proper like pasta."

Lee:   "You cheeky b***ard, this is proper food. Now choose something or get out. Fucks sake you still 'ere Charlie? Well what do you want this time and can you afford it?"

Intandje:   "Well you see I lent my money to the new boys so I'm a bit short...

Lee:   "Is that a dig at me lad?"

Intandje:   "I don't get it."

Lee:   "Too right you don't get it. Next?"

Reina:   "Two jam buttys and a bottle of tomarto sauce Sam."

Lee:   "What's the sauce for soft lad?"

Reina:   "To eat of course."

Lee:   "With a jam sarny? You lost yer marbles over the 'olidays?"

Reina:   "No the buttys are to juggle with while I eat the sauce."

Lee:   "Go on get away. Next?"

Carragher:   "Alright Sam, giz a plate of that scouse. f***in beardy's 'avin a go at me already. He's give Sam and Jay detention, but it's really shook Sam, 'aven't a clue what's up with 'im."

Lee:   "It's cos Sam's not goin to the Champions League with yers. Benitez 'as left him out. Sly that in it?"

Carragher:   "Bang out of order that. We'll 'ave to make sure Sam enjoys the normal games then."

The class all got their dinner apart from Intandje who couldn't afford it and Reira who is still wonderig round the playground.

After dinner the lads retured to class where they were asked to read out their speeches about their holidays.

Benitez:   "First up we're going to have you Fernando. What was your half term break like?"

Torres:   "My holiday by Fernando Torres. I'd like to dedicate this to my best friend Steven Gerrard. He helped me throughout the holidays. He stayed with me throughout the two weeks and every day I woke up in his arms. I knew he cared about me. He massaged my injured hamstring for me and in return I massaged his groin. I enjoyed every last second because I was with someone I love. My Stevie. Thank you."

Benitez:   "Yes, well, that was erm...not what I was expecting Fernando but still a good effort. Next we'll have Martin Skrtel. Up you come Martin."

Skrtel:   "My holiday by me. I erm...went home to erm...Slo...

Carragher:   "f***in slow that's right enough.

Benitez:   "Detention Carragher. Carry on Martin.

Skrtel:   "Slo...vakia. I played football for Slovakia and I won. I scored a goal against another team. They played in grass colour but I forgot their name. I then went to Slo...venia but lost. Then I came home to Liverpool. Then I came to school. Then I wrote this. The end.

Benitez:   "A bit repetitive Martin but you were put off so well done. Next up is you Carragher for that outburst earlier.

Carragher:   "My 'oliday by Carra. Started off by helpin some auld girl across the road cos she was obviously strugglin like. She offered me ten bob for doin' it but I didn't take cos ye could tell she didn't have much, know what I mean. So anyway I went round Jay's but he'd gone to town like to see that spider thing. I was gonna run down after him but I thought stuff it and decided to write me book. Finished that and sent it to the mirror who didn't really wanna print it but I made sure they did. After that 'ad 'appened I went out to a party in Eggy and copped off with some bird. Stayed the night in 'ers then went round me mam's for a roast. Watched the footy with me dad and got me 'ead down again before comin' here. The end."

Benitez:   "Went on far too long James. Very disappointed."

Carragher:   "Sod off that's the best so far. You just don't like me."

Benitez:   "True I don't like you but that still went on for too long."

The rest of the lads read their speeches one by one until fifth lesson which of course was games as always.

Hyypia:   "This is bollocks lad, I just wanna get 'ome and go to kip. Don't wanna play for that tosser anymore. Leavin' me out the Champions League. While those pricks Degen and Cavalieri get in. Not on lad."

Darby:   "Forget it Sam. Don't worry about it. We're all gonna make sure you get in come January. So just wait lad."

Kuyt:   "Are we playin or not blood? My dreads can't stay in da rain too long. You dig? Day get wet. I don't like being wet. So can we play dog?"

Darby:   "Shut the F**k up Curley. You're givin' me an 'ead ache."

Yossi Beanyoun ran to tell Mr. Benitez about the use of Darby's bad language.

Benitez:   "Darby get over here."

Agger:   "Snitch 'as grassed yer up lad."

Darby:   "I'm gonna F**k him one of these days."

Darby walked to Benitez and then back to the game.

Spearing:   "Wha' 'appened lad?"

Darby:   "f***in detention. I swear I'm gonna kill that grass."

Hyypia:   "Don't worry about it Ste. It'll be a laugh all four of us."

Darby:   "Yeah I suppose so. Where's that new kid anyway, Albert?"

Carragher:   "Dunno. Saw him talkin to Pepe before."

Darby:   "Eh Pep, you saw Albert?"

Reina:   "I sent him on the yard lookin for his dinner. Probably still lookin lad."

The lads started laughing again.

The home time bell rang and off went the lads their seperate ways apart from the four with detention who went to Mr. Benitez' class.

Spearing:   "There's a party in Crocky tonight, you lads comin'?"

Carragher:   "That Alice's party Jay?"

Spearing:   "Yeah lad, you comin'?"

Carragher:   "She f***in begged me mate. Couldn't exactly say no could I?"

Spearing:   "Nice one, what bout you Ste?"

Darby:   "Yeah I'll come with ye."

Spearing:   "Sound, you up for it Sam?"

Hyypia:   "Can't lad. I'm with Benitez' wife tonight."

The lads broke into another round of hysterical laughing.

The conversations raged on in the teacherless classroom until Mr. Benitez walked in and let them go home.

 

Superb stuff!

"Are we playin or not blood?"

 

Quality DLS! It's good that the international break is over because it has'nt been the same without Liverpool Football School

Excellent stuff.

The day before possibly the school's biggest test so everybody was on time and looking to impress, although one or two knew they were certain of a place anyway.

Benitez: Well it is good to see you all eager. Now obviously some of you won't get to play but you might play a little later in the season. You see if you don't play in tomorrow's game it means you certain to be fit for another game in March. It's a good way of working. Well anyway you all have the chance to impress today and I know you all will. I do want to know though if Gerrard and Torres fit. Are you boys fit?"

Gerrard:   "Nando's very fit sir."

Torres:   "So are you Stevie. Don't pretend you're not."

Both started giggling with the other.

Benitez:   "Well at least you two are available. Next, Javier I don't want you getting sent off this time, you understand?"

Mascherano just growled to acknowledge he understood.

Benitez:   "Hyypia you won't be playing."

Hyypia:   "You're jokin' aren't ye? Course I'm playin' lad. I always play against these Manc cu*ts. I wanna give that tw*t Berbatov somethin to really moan about. So get it right lad, I am playing."

Benitez:   "No you're not. I make the decisions and you're not playing. So you can either stand there and sulk or make me pick you for the next match."

Hyypia:   "How? The next game is Marsielle and I'm not picked for that either. So why am I still here? Might as well just go 'ome."

Benitez:   "Go home then, we don't want your sort here."

Darby:   "You've just be 'ad off there Sam. Sly that ye not gettin' a game but funny the way he told ye."

Benitez:   "Well lets see if this funny. You're not playing either Darby."

Darby:   "Sound means I can smashed tonight lad. There's a party on Windsor Street tonight."

Spearing:   "I'm goin' to that an' all Ste. Gonna be bouncin' lad."

Benitez:   "Well go to the party, but you'll never play again. Right who's next on the list. Ah Kuyt, you'll be on the right wing. Now I want you to run for the entire match but actually not do anything talented. Is that clear?"

Kuyt:   "Yes blood. I can do dat. Dat ain't difficult for a rapper like me. Wot you tink of da name Kuyt Dirky?"

Carragher:   "f***in' sh*t you soft tw*t. Now sit down and shut up."

Arbeloa:   "Shut up just shut up."

Benitez:   "Yes shut up all of you. Now where's Babel? I need to speak to him."

Benayoun:   "He's stuck in the toilet again with one his of more adult magazines."

Benitez:   "He's on detention now. I warned him against that. Xabi, can you go and get him?"

Alonso:   "Of course sir. That would be spiffing."

Alonso walked off to the toilets to fetch Ryan Babel.

Alonso:   "I say Ryan old chap, the old man wants a word or two with your good self, could you possibly tear yourself away from that magazine to speak to him? He'd be ever so grateful."

Babel didn't answer and Alonso walked off to class.

Alonso:   "It appears he doesn't want to sir. I did try."

Benitez:   "I'm sure you did Xabi. Carragher would you mind?"

Carragher:   "Mind what?"

Hyypia:   "His wife."

Benitez:   "You're both on detention with Babel. Satisfied?"

Hyypia:   "Not really lad, but I reckon Ryan is by now."

The class began laughing but Mr. Benitez didn't see the funny side.

Benitez:   "Well congratulations Sami you've got the whole class coming back for detention now."

Hyypia:   "Ah well. I won't be lonely will I?"

Reina:   "Ah eh Sam, I wanted to get home early tonight. Mastermind is on."

Carragher:   "Just get your tart to tape it Pep."

Reina:   "Oh yeah good thinking Carra. Looks like I can join you for detentio after all."

Insua:   "I've got to say sir I understand your reasons for keeping us all behind but I can't help but feel this is harsh on a few of us. We don't ask to be put in a school with people who can't behave. Some of us actually wish to learn."

Spearing:   "Shut it Brains you f***in' suck up. We're all stayin' be'ind so just get on with it lad."

Stephen Darby threw a book at the back of Insua's head.

Benitez:   "Right enough. This isn't getting Babel back to class. Who's willing to go and get him?"

Gerrard:   "As captain I think I should go sir."

Benitez:   "OK Steven, off you go."

Gerrard made his way to the toilets where Babel still was.

Gerrard:   "Alright Ry, it's me Stevie. Snitch has grassed ye up so Benitez knows your in here. Might as well just come out. There's more beauty in the class anyway rather than some bird with plastic knockers. There's nothing fake about Fernando and he's a picture of beauty isn't he? So come on mate, lets go back to class eh?"

Babel:   "OK Ste, I'll be out in a minute. Just need to clean myself up."

Gerrard:   "OK mate. I'll wait outside."

Babel did tidy himself up and the pair made their way back to class.

Benitez:   "I think that's enough for now, go and get some lunch."

Carragher:   "Lunch? We turned into cricketers? What 'appened to good old dinner?"

Hyypia:   "Dossena must of ate it."

Carragher and Hyypia began laughing as they made their way to the dinner hall.

Keane:   "Hey Sam I see your using the dishes I got you."

Lee:   "Yeah they're sound them Rob. Thanks mate. What d'ye want to eat anyway?"

Keane:   "Steak pie and mushy peas."

Lee:   "Here ye are. Next?"

Insua:   "Do you have anything healty and nutrtious?

Spearing:   "Shut up Brains and 'ave a pie dinner like the rest of us."

Lee:   "There's pie or spag bol take your pick. Next?"

Insua took the spaghetti bolognase and Javier Mascherno was next in line but he just growled as usual. So Sam Lee handed him another plate of pie and mash.

Spearing:   "Eh Pep tell us a joke lad."

Reina:   "Alright, it's not a very good one though and it goes on a bit. OK here it is, Tommy was walking down the street but it was blown a gale force wind and Tommy's hat fell off into some fella's garden and before he knew it the dog had ate Tommy's hat. So he went and knocked on the fella's door and started arguing with him. Tommy wanted a tenner so he could go and buy a new hat but the fella refused to pay Tommy. So Tommy started getting a bit ratty with him and went "I don't like your attitude" and the fella turned round and went "it wasn't my 'at 'e chewed it was yours."

The entire table started laughing before continuing to eat their dinners. They then returned to class where they would be playing games for the rest of the day.

Aurelio:   "There some nice boots Robbie. Do you think you could get me some?"

Keane:   "Yeah no worries mate. My next door neighbour's cousin's boyfriend's sister's dog's first owner has loads of them. I'll get you a pair."

Aurelio:   "Will you really?"

Keane:   "Yeah no worries. I'll get them."

Aurelio:   "I mean really. Can you get me a pair?"

Keane:   "Look you annoying b***ard I've said I will so I will. Lets just leave it there."

Arebloa:   "I'll be there for you, like I've been there before."

Agger:   "Do you always sing Al?"

Arbeloa:   "The love you bring, won't mean a thing, unless you, sing sing sing."

Agger:   "Something wrong with you lad."

Yossi Benayoun ran to Mr. Benitez to tell teacher that Agger had insulted a fellow pupil.

Benitez:   "Agger, over here now."

Spearing:   "Snitch 'as grassed ye up mate."

Agger:   "What for?"

Spearing:   "God knows but just seen 'im next to Beardy so he musta grassed ye up for somethin'."

Agger:   "He's a little sh*t him. Bet he doesn't have to stay behind tonight."

Agger walked over to Benitez and then was able to return to the football.

Carragher:   "What did he say Dan?"

Agger:   "Cos I said there was something wrong with Arby, he's phoning me mum after school."

Carragher:   "Ah that's nothin that lad. Ye mam'll understand. She's sound your mam."

Agger:   "I hope so anyway. He said I probably won't play tomorrow either."

Carragher:   "That mean I'm left with Marty at the back? He's sound, just an idiot."

Hyypia:   "Don't worry Carra, I've been talkin' to 'im and he realises just how much we hate these manc bas**rds and he said he's gonna chop Ugly Betty in two."

Agger:   "Who's Ugly Betty?"

Carragher:   "That's mine and Sam's name for Tevez. Looks the spit of her."

The games ended and Mr. Benitez called the lads over so he could tell them the side for tomorrow.

Benitez:   "Reina in goal, Arbeloa, Skrtel, Carragher, Dossena, Kuyt, Mascherano, Gerrard, Reira, Keane, Torres."

Kuyt:   "Is right, I play."

Carragher:   "You carry on speakin' like that lad and I'll give ye one 'ell of a right hook."

Alonso:   "I say old man, my name didn't pass your lips."

Benitez:   "I know. Any more questions?"

The class remained silent until Mr. Benitez took them in for the class detention.

Benitez:   "Well OK lads you can go home now, just make sure you're here early tomorrow for the coach trip down to Anfield. Good night."

The class left for home in their various directions.

Think you may be right there DLS.

"Reina in goal, Arbeloa, Skrtel, Carragher, Dossena, Kuyt, Mascherano, Gerrard, Reira, Keane, Torres."

Superb post.  Loving the Dirk (just like Rafa then).

Bloody legendary stuff there DLS. I'm loving it. + for you my friend...again.

Keep them coming, it is absolutely hilarious.

Call me blonde but that Reina joke took me a while to understand hahaha.

Bloody legendary stuff there DLS. I'm loving it. + for you my friend...again.

Keep them coming, it is absolutely hilarious.

Call me blonde but that Reina joke took me a while to understand hahaha.

glad you enjoyed it and cheers for the +

The Reina joke is meant to be said in a scouse accent or any other accent that drops the H off the start of words.

Funny funny stuff.

Great stuff DLS- as always!

It seems like I've neglected this for a while...sorry to my adoring public but have no fear it returns tonight after the school had been closed down due to a fire (it's a good enough excuse but in truth there's been a bit of hassle in the world we call reality down here which has forced me not to be overly creative. Now that's blown over I can return to my creative side)

In about an hour or so it should be ready, so get the popcorn, dim the lights and wait eagerly in anticipation as Liverpool Football School returns.

The school bus was finally back in action tonight after the engine caught fire and caused a lot of the school to go up in flames as well. But fortunately there was no serious damage and the kids can return to school tomorrow, after passing a tough exam to a school in a lower division. The entire class was forced to go to the match even if they were picked to play or not. It was now time for the journey back to school where the kids would be picked up by parents or get the bus home.

The lads took their places on the coach after Sam Lee had confirmed it was perfectly safe.

Gerrard:   "I missed you in the stands Nando, but I was so happy to see you play. You did so well."

Torres:   "Thank you Stevie, I missed you as well. I wanted you to keep my legs warm like you did against Man United but it wasn't to be."

Gerrard:   "I'm sorry about that, I'll warm them up your dad's car."

Torres blushed and smiled at his club captain.

Carragher:   "Ah that wasn't bad that la. Got a decent run out and me bet with Jay over there's still on."

Hyypia:   "What bet lad?"

Carragher:   "I've bet Jay that I play some part in every game this year. I've threatened the beardy tw*t that if he doesn't play I'll do 'im in."

Spearing:   "An' I've bet 'im that if he does pick Carra, I'll do 'im in."

Darby:   "So it's a no win situation? Sound."

Agger:   "Serves him right for growing that stupid goatee in the first place.

Insua:   "I think Mr. Benitez' facial hair actually suits him and it is wrong of any one of you to begrudge him growing facial hair if he so wishes. Now can you please be quiet because I'd like to finish this book on the Christian beliefs of contraception."

Spearing:   "Shut it Brains, ye given everyone a 'ead ache."

Mascherano began growling uncontrollably and frothing at the mouth.

Keane:   "What's wrong with you mate?"

Reina:   "Probably saw Stevie warming Nando's legs up."

Carragher:   "That's classic that Pep. King of the one liners you lad."

Reina:   "Yeah and you're king of the one nighters"

Carragher:   "Maybe so but ye mam was with me for a full week."

Reina:   "She'd lost her glasses, she couldn't see."

Carragher:   "She saw the bedroom enough."

Reina:   "In the dark?"

Carragher couldn't find a response to that and had to acknowledge Reina had won that round, while the majority of the coach was in hysterics.

Carragher:   "Well done lad, I'll get ye back though."

Reina:   "Yeah I know, but in the mean time I'm number one. Where's me prize?"

Spearing:   "Guts has just ate it."

Reina:   "Greedy c**t.

Dossena:   "Are you talking about me?"

Reina:   "No we're talking about the fat b***ard next to you."

Carragher:   "That's his reflection."

The bus broke into hysterics again but Yossi Benayoun had informed Mr. Benitez of what had been said.

Benitez:   "OK, Reina and Carragher you're both on detention tomorrow. I won't have such things said about any of my pupils.

Spearing:    "Grass you're gonna get done in lad."

Benitez:   "Spearing, detention."

Spearing:   "So what, might as well leave the school anyway, you never pick me. You'd rather have that lanky streak of piss Plessis."

Benitez:   "Right that's it, you're expelled for a week. Anymore comments?"

The bus went silent.

Benitez:   "Thought not."

Benitez returned to his seat, patting Yossi Benayoun on the head as he sat beside him. He also threw Benayoun a treat.

Keane:   "Eh Andy, my mate's cousin's geography teacher's lawyer's wife runs a weight watchers, want me to sort you out?"

Benitez:   "That's enough Keane. Detention."

Aurelio:   "What you doing Cav?"

Cavalieri:   "Watching a DVD."

Aurelio:   "What DVD?"

Cavalieri:   "Terminator."

Aurelio:   "Is it good?"

Cavalieri:   "Yeah, so be quiet please."

Aurelio:   "That the one you got off Robbie?"

Plessis:   "He's asked you to be quiet Fab, just do it."

Aurelio:   "Why you getting involved?"

Plessis:   "Becuase he wants to watch his film, so be quiet."

Aurelio:   "Why don't you be quiet."

Hyypia:   "Look Aurelio belt up before I do what we do in Finland to noisy cu*ts like you."

Benitez:   "This isn't Finland though Hyypia, so you're on detention."

Agger:   "He's got a problem with Finland."

Hyypia:   "Nah lad it's just me he has the problem with. Cos I'm scouse."

Alonso:   "I do not think that Mr. Benitez is victimising you and it certainly has nothing to do with the nation in which you were born."

Hyypia:   "Maybe you're right Xabi but if you're not do us a favour and F**k off."

Alonso sat back down in his seat with his bottom lip trembling.

Intandje:   "I need the WC."

Spearing:   "Ye what?"

Darby:   "He needs the bog."

Spearing:   "Well he'll have to pay a penny and that cheap skate never has any bread on him."

Darby:   "Doesn't matter anyway. Babel's in there again.

Spearing:   "f***in' 'ell he's relentless. Surprised 'is arm 'asn't fell off."

Carragher:   "Ang on a minute. Where's the new lad? What's his name? Unlce Albert."

Reina:   "I saw him yesterday Carra."

Carragher:   "Where lad?"

Reina:   "Still on the yard looking for the canteen."

Carragher:   "Fucks sake, ye sent 'im out there on 'is first day. Lad doesn't give up I'll give 'im that."

Kuyt:   "Lizen blood dat is not cool. He'z a new kid in dis skool and youz shud be showingz him sum rezpect by treating him properly. I iz highly dizappointed in youz."

Reina:   "Sound. So Carra you off out tomorrow?"

Carragher:   "Yeah it's party time. Ste's cousin is 21 today and we're all bouncin' down later. Ye comin'?"

Reina:   "Yeah, sounds good. What time?"

Darby:   "We're all meetin' up outside of Steble Street on Park Road at 6. She lives down the road ye see."

Reina:   "Yeah I know Stebby dead well. I'm always round Tocky. Some nice pubs round there."

Darby:   "Well it's in The Globe."

Reina:   "The Globe? Come on Ste, be better in The Oak."

Darby:   "I don't know the area that well but our Jackie raves about The Globe."

Reina:   "Well I'll be there then."

Babel walked out of the toilet trying to conceal his Maximum magazine.

Kuyt:   "How long duz it take you blood?

Babel:   "Twenty two minutes and thirteen seconds."

Kuyt:   "You time it? Datz horrible ting to do. I should be phoningz the babylon on you blood."

Babel:   "Who are the babylon?"

Kuyt:   "Dey iz the police, man. Seriouzly man dat iz horrible."

As the conversations continued the bus pulled up outside of Melwood allowing the lads to go home.

Benitez:   "Good night lads, be careful going home."

Lovin' it DLS, keep it up mate!

That's quality that DLS.

As the lads returned to school after the fire, it was time for some serious lessons again. Mr. Benitez had decided that people were slacking off too much.

Benitez:   "People are slacking off too much."

So it was time for serious hard work today. The lessons would be 'local history', 'english', 'woodwork', 'art' and 'games'. With the school's city rivals the next exam it was vitally important that the lads were razor sharp this upcoming week. There was no room for error.

Benitez:   "OK class we're going to start with Local History because it's important you know just how important it is for the city. So what do we know about Everton's school?"

Alonso:   "They are commonly known as the Bitters."

Benitez:   "Good, good. Anything else?"

Gerrard:   "They are a small club."

Benitez:   "Spot on Steven. Still looking for a few more things though."

Gerrard and Torres sat their high fiving each other while the rest of the class tried to figure out other facts about Everton.

Darby:   "They're sh*t."

Benitez:   "Can you elaborate Stephen?"

Hyypia:   "I can sir. They're a bunch of bluenose, jealous cu*ts who are ran by a ginger tosser who thinks just because they get into the UEFA Cup they're a big club. They've also got an annoying Austrialian who tries to punch the corner flag but typical of that shower of sh*t he misses. As well they might as well be call United's retirment home with the yank, the ugly c**t's ugly brother and now the never fit Saha."

Benitez:   "Gold star for you Sami. That was a fantastic answer."

Carragher:   "He hasn't finished yet."

Hyypia:   "Too right I haven't finished lad. Their chairman only comes out when things are going well. They haven't won a F***ing thing during my time here and this is my 10th year. They're not even going to be part of my city for much longer, thank god. I wouldn't even share a bus with them, never mind a city. F**k off Bitters. You're nothing but a small club anyway."

Benitez:   "Now that's what I call passion. I hope you're all taking notes here and play with that kind of passion on Saturday. Now to finish the lesson off we're going to have a quiz.

This announcement was met by a lot of moans and groans, especially from Ryan Babel.

Benitez:   "Question one; which player scored in both the 86 and 89 FA Cup finals?"

Carragher:   "Ian Rush"

Benitez:   "Correct. Question two; who won the match for Liverpool last season?"

Reina:   "Mark Clattenburg."

Benitez:   "Wrong."

Carragher:   "It was Curley Kuyt."

Benitez:   "Correct. Question three, name ten players who've played for both clubs."

Carragher:   "Barmby, Xavier, McMahon, Beardsley, Harper, Irvine, Sheedy, Balmer, Hickson and David Johnson."

Benitez:   "Correct. Question four, who sniffed the line when he scored a penalty?"

Carragher:   "Robbie Fowler"

Benitez:   "Final question, can somebody other than Carragher, tell me what's going to happen this Saturday?"

Hyypia:   "We're gonna tw*t them."

Benitez:   "Correct."

Mr Benitez sent the class of to their English lesson.

Benitez:   "Right class I want somebody to read out the song on page 1 of your text books. Any volunteers?"

Benayon:   "I will sir."

Spearing:   "What a surprise."

Benitez:   "Go ahead Yossi, and Spearing you would be on dentention but with Saturday's game coming up, nobody is on detention today or tomorrow."

Benayoun:   "When you walk through a storm hold your head...

Benitez:   "OK Alonso now you."

Alonso:   "And don't be afraid of the dark cos at the end of the storm...

Benitez:   "Skrtel."

Skrtel:   "There's erm...a goal..den...sky and a erm...sweat...sil...ver song...

Benitez:   "El Zhar."

El Zhar:   "Where are we up to?"

Carragher:   "Silver song, keep up."

El Zhar:   "Thanks. Sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on with hope in your heart...

Carragher:   "Ang on ye've missed a bit out. Ye should be more careful with a song like this."

Benitez:   "You can finish it then James."

Carragher cleared his throat and began to sing.

Carragher:   "Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.

Benitez:   "Thank you James. Obviously a few of you need to concentrate a bit more and some of you need practice. Other than that it's been a very good lesson. Now come on get ready, it's time for woodwork."

The class packed up and headed for the tech block where they would do the woodwork lesson.

As the class waited outside conversations brokes out.

Spearing:   "Tell us a joke Pep while we're waitin'."

Reina:   "There's an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman on the top of a mountain. The Englishman goes lets throw our watches to the bottom of the mountain and see if we can catch it. The other two agree. The Englishman throws his watch to the bottom of the moutain, sprints after it but isn't quick enough and his watch is in peices at the bottom. The Scotsman throws his watch to the bottom and sprints after he but he to is too late and his watch is smashed. Then the Irishman throws his watch to the bottom of the mountain, takes a slow stroll and is still able to catch his watch before it hits the ground. The Englishman and Scotsman are amazed at how the Irishman did it so they ask him, how were you able to catch your watch. The Irishman said it was simple, I put my watch back by three hours."

The crowd listening broke our roaring only to be interupted by Mr Benitez.

Benitez:   "Come on lets get serious. By the end of this lesson I want everyone to have the undercoat of their wooden toy on at the very least.

Kuyt:   "Mine iz da sh*t."

Reina:   "Well it's sh*t alright."

Agger:   "Another class one liner."

Arbeloa:   "One flesh, one breath, one life, one blood."

Agger:   "Do you have to sing so much lad?"

Carraghe:   "Wouldn't even bother with 'im Dan. He's an 'ead case."

Agger:   "True."

Arbeloa:   "This much is true. This much is true. I know this much is true."

Carragher:   "Oh for fucks sake Al. Ye given' me ear ache."

As soon as Carragher finished speaking Yossi Benayoun was right beside Mr Benitez snitching on Carragher's foul language.

Benitez:   "Yossi I appriciate your concern and I will keep it in mind but with the derby coming up so soon there will be no detention so leave it out."

Spearing:   "What's 'appened there?"

Carragher:   "The grass 'as just been 'ad off."

The class finished with everyone achieving the target that was set at the start by Mr Benitez.

The class was then sent to the dinner hall for dinner, surprisingly.

Intandje:   "Hi Mr Lee. I would like curry and rice please.

Lee:   "Move on Charlie, I know ye skint."

Intandje:   "OK, it was a worth a try."

Lee:   "Alright Alby, finally found it 'ave ye?"

Reira:   "Si si."

Lee:   "What can I get ye?"

Reira:   "Si si"

Lee:   "Fair enough, pie and chips it is."

Spearing:   "Alright Sam, bacon butty pleasee."

Lee:   "Here ye are Jay, here's the pork chops for ye mam as well."

Spearing:   "Cheers Sam."

The class finished their dinner and returned to class, which was art.

Pelligrino:   "OK lads, I want you all to draw "The Chosen One" after we win."

The class got straight into drawing Moyes.

Pelligrino:   "They're all very good but my favourite was Mascherano's. Would you like to just explain how you've come to this drawing?"

Mascherano just growled.

Pelligrino:   "Thank you Javier. Very well explained. The lesson is unfortunately over but it is time for games, so get down to the field."

The lads made their way to the field to take part in the football Mr Benitez had planned for them.

Aurelio:   "Is it the same teams as last week sir?"

Benitez:   "Yes. So lets play."

The lads played and finally the long day was over. Mr Benitez sent the kids home.

Love it, especially the serious part with YNWA. Can't wait to see the one after the Derby, I'll be foaming at the mouth as much as Masch just thinking about it.