Liverpool Football School

Thanks dls it's class as usual. + for you

Superb

Benitez:   "Final question, can somebody other than Carragher, tell me what's going to happen this Saturday?"

Hyypia:   "We're gonna tw*t them."

Benitez:   "Correct."

Is right!

Quality!!...Just as funny every time!

thanks boys and girls, now it's crunch time.

I think all this praise has gone to me head but I've had a general idea of doing a lfcreds school, obviously using the members of the forum as the people. JD is headmaster, the other staff are the teachers, mag and res are milk and apple monitors (because they sort sigs and avatars out so they should have a job in the school) and the rest of us will be the kids. (me as the cheeky joker obviously ) Now the only reason I'm asking to do this rather than outright doing it, is because there's some touchy bas**rds on this forum and I don't want them getting a paddy on (no offence to the Irish by the way with the use of the word paddy). So I can try it if people want, if not, I'll stick to this.

thanks boys and girls, now it's crunch time.

I think all this praise has gone to me head but I've had a general idea of doing a lfcreds school, obviously using the members of the forum as the people. JD is headmaster, the other staff are the teachers, mag and res are milk and apple monitors (because they sort sigs and avatars out so they should have a job in the school) and the rest of us will be the kids. (me as the cheeky joker obviously ) Now the only reason I'm asking to do this rather than outright doing it, is because there's some touchy bas**rds on this forum and I don't want them getting a paddy on (no offence to the Irish by the way with the use of the word paddy). So I can try it if people want, if not, I'll stick to this.

That would be so funny to see! I'd literally laugh my ass off. I say go for it, it's a great idea!

it's up in the arkles res...i await the people gettin a cob on now

thanks boys and girls, now it's crunch time.

I think all this praise has gone to me head but I've had a general idea of doing a lfcreds school, obviously using the members of the forum as the people. JD is headmaster, the other staff are the teachers, mag and res are milk and apple monitors (because they sort sigs and avatars out so they should have a job in the school) and the rest of us will be the kids. (me as the cheeky joker obviously ) Now the only reason I'm asking to do this rather than outright doing it, is because there's some touchy bas**rds on this forum and I don't want them getting a paddy on (no offence to the Irish by the way with the use of the word paddy). So I can try it if people want, if not, I'll stick to this.

I mentioned something like that to Redkenny yesterday when we sat down in the staff room with a nice hot cuppa. 

I reckon it should stay the way it is for now because you've built up the characters personalities.  But for a laugh I reckon you should put a list of the Characters and compare them to the members on the forum. 

One thing I might ask, who the F**k is goin' to be Benayoun? 

Great episode as always DLS, keep up the good work. 

The charachters aren't based on the forum though Court, they're based on scouse personalities. Every scousers knows a Robbie Keane (someone who can ye get everything) or an Aurelio (who just asks questions) or even a Sami (someone not from Liverpool but desperate to be...usually end up being wools from St Helens or Widnes)

The next one will be done tonight...no school just on the coach down to Goodison - to grafitti it

Mr Benitez and the other staff waited by the mini bus for the lads to arrive. Once they all had taken their seats on the bus Mr Benitez spoke.

Benitez:   "OK lads have you all got the spray paint and other weapons to wreck their school?"

Carragher:   "Do we really need to though? I mean it's already a tip in it?"

Benitez:   "That's true but lets make it even worse."

Carragher:   "Oh don't worry 'bout me mate, I've got me baseball bat with me."

Benitez:   "Very good James, use it to good affect. I had a few kebabs last night and haven't yet let them go, if you catch my drift."

Reina:   "I hope I don't catch it, it'll knock me out."

The class, including Mr Benitez, began laughing.

Hyypia:   "Eh sir, you seem more joyful than usual."

Benitez:   "That's because we're playing that small club Sami. I hate them as much as you do."

Hyypia:   "You're sound you are sir. Lets go brick that shithole."

Benitez:   "My sentiments exactly. Speed up Sam. The quicker we get there the better."

The conversations continued throughout the bus only for all to be stopped by Mr Benitez.

Benitez:   "OK lads me, Sam and Mr Pelligrino have been talking and we think it'll be better if we don't destroy their stadium. We're too big for that, so they'll be nothing of that sort. I'm as disappointed as the rest of you."

Carragher:   "It's all right, we'll just destroy them tomorrow."

Kuyt:   "Iz right blood"

Carragher:   "For just once Curley, can ye speak normal?"

Kuyt:    "People understandz me morez dan day do youz man."

Carragher:   "In scouse please?"

Hyypia:   "He's sayin' people don't understand ye accent lad."

Carragher:   "Ow d'you know?"

Hyypia:   "I've been takin' american rap lessons."

Kuyt:   "Iz right."

Hyypia:   "But I don't like it so shut the F**k up."

Alonso:   "Oh come on chaps, there is no need for such language ahead of this game. We should all be one."

Reina:   "We're gonna need to be eleven tomorrow."

Agger:   "One line killer again. You're almost as funny as DLS you know Pep."

The lads then had a minute silence for DLS after the schocking decision to expell him from lfcreds school

Aurelio:   "Excuse me Chubs, could I have a malteaser?"

Dossena:   "No you've got polos."

Aurelio:   "Can we trade?"

Dossena:   "No."

Aurelio:   "Will you trade your cheese and onion crisp for my prawn cocktail then?"

Plessis:   "Look Fab, he doesn't want to so stop pestering him."

Spearing:   "Prescott's right. Shut the F**k up Fab."

Plessis:   "My name is Plessis not Prescott."

Spearing:   "Yeah but ye look like that boxer Breidis Prescott."

Darby:    "He does an' all. sh*t that's scary that."

Gerrard:   "Don't worry Nando, I'll protect you."

Hyypia:   "What's happened to Steive eh? He used to be so much of a laugh, now he's just transfixed on Torres."

Carragher:   "It's just a phase la."

Hyypia:   "I hope so, can't remember the last time he came out with us."

Carragher:   "Nah me neither. F**k it, leave him while he's 'appy eh?"

Hyypia:   "Yeah, nice to see him with someone who cares for him. Deserves it done he?"

Carragher:   "Aye lad he does. Plus he's still good for a laugh now an' then."

Torres:   "Your friends don't seem to like me."

Gerrard:   "Don't be silly. Of course they do."

Torres:   "Well they don't show it."

Gerrard:   "They find it hard to show their true feelings."

Torres:   "Do you?"

Gerrard:   "Of course not." Gerrard says while putting his arm round Torres.

Torres smiles.

Carragher:   "That's so sweet."

Dossena:   "Who's got sweets?"

Gerrard:   "He's mine so piss off you."

Arebloa:   "You make me feel brand knew."

Insua:   "I am trying to read up on my history here, do you think it's possible to have some silence?"

El Zhar:   "Shut it Brains. You're always reading."

Reina:   "Ry's always got a book as well but he ain't reading."

El Zhar:   "Try doing something fun for once Brains."

Insua:   "I actually find improving my intellegence extremely fun. Unlike you lot I plan on having an education and something to fall back on when my football is over."

Reria:   "Si si."

Spearing:   "Who said that?"

Agger:   "Unlce Albert over there."

Spearing:   "Oh is he on? Reckon we teach 'im some scouse?"

Carragher:   "Go 'ead Jay."

Spearing:   "Eh Unc, can you speak scouse?"

Agger:   "Didn't hear you."

Spearing:   "Pep give 'im a nudge will ye."

Reina slaps Reira on the back of the head.

Reina:   "Jay wants you."

Reira:   "Si si."

Spearing:   "Unc, can ye say they do though don't they though la?"

Reira sat with a blank expression on his face.

Spearing:   "Go 'ead. Say it."

Alonso:   "I do not think Albert is able to."

Spearing:   "It's not 'ard."

Alonso:   "Well he obviously begs to differ."

Spearing:   "Bollocks, all he says is si si."

Carragher:   "Leave it Jay."

Spearing:   "Yeah alright. Waste of time these forigners."

Hyypia:   "Couldn't agree more."

Carragher:   "Eh isn't that Everton bus?

Spearing:   "Yeah it is, look there's the ugly b***ard."

The entire bus stood up and looked out the window and started shouting abuse at Phil Neville.

Carragher:   "You ugly c**t, F**k off back to Manchester."

Spearing:   "Ye shagged ye dad."

Hyypia:   "Your arse has better chance of pulling a bird than your face."

Darby:   "Your so sh*t, your parents disowned ye"

Agger:   "What you doing out the bog?"

Neville:   "Well at least I don't play with dicks like you lot."

Reina:   "No but your mum does."

The Liverpool bus broke out into hysterics while Phil Neville walked into the ground crying.

Gerrard:   "Eh here's the yank."

Carragher:   "Your four years too late."

Reina:   "Our yanks might F**k up off the pitch but not as bad as you on it."

Tim Howard also went into the ground crying.

Spearing:   "Oi Tim, come and punch me like the corner flag lad"

Tim Cahill broke the 100m record getting from the bus to the changing room. The Liverpool players continued to laugh. Next off the bus was "The Chosen One".

Benitez:   "He's mine. Eh Dave, you looking forward to the Carling Cup draw?"

Moyes:   "I'd expect more maturity from someone in your position."

Benitez:   "You're right, I should close the curtains shouldn't I?"

Moyes:   "Pathetic."

Benitez:   "A bit like your starting eleven and your bitter fans."

"The Chosen One" didn't have an answer for this and had to walk into Goodison Park with his head lowered.

Agger:   "Here's the one off Star Trek."

Spearing:   "Eh Lescott, I guess the bus that hit you was driven by a Red."

Darby:   "Lescott 'ave you got a lawyer lad?"

Lescott:   "No why?"

Darby:   "Because if my barber cut my hair like that, I'd definately be suing."

Lescott's lip trembled while the Liverpool bus was rolling on the floor.

Gerrard:   "Can't wait for tomorrow now. Come on Redmen, lets tw*t them eh."

Kuyt:   "Datz da spirit blood."

Carragher:   "Too right Stevie. Even Marty knows what they are don't ye mate?"

Skrtel:   "F***ing bitter cu*ts."

Carragher:   "Well done lad. You're not that soft after all."

Spearing:   "Why didn't you say anything Chubs?"

Dossena:   "I was eating."

Spearing:   "No change there then, just make sure you eat them tomorrow."

Benitez:   "OK settle down lads. Lets concentrate now. We can't afford to lose to these bas**rds. So lets go out there and play them off the park. They'll try and kick us, but we'll get them for that after the match. Jay that's where I'll need you."

Spearing:   "No worries boss."

Benitez:   "Good, now you know who's playing so lets make our supporters happy. Lets give it to them."

And with that this episode finishes to be concluded on Sky Sports 1 tomorrow at 12:30.

"Carragher:   "That's so sweet."

Dossena:   "Who's got sweets?""

Funniest episode ever! DLS you're an effing genius lad, never stop writing these!

never stop writing these!

Erm lfcreds staff can you have a word with Res please...he's threatening me

HAVE YOU STOPPED?!

I'm too scared to

DLS, I haven't read it for a few weeks but had a F***ing ball reading and catching up. Fantastic mate , keep up the great work, wish I could give you more than one + at the same time. 

That's boss dls.

As the lads made their way back on the bus after beating Everton and giving them a footballing lesson, the high spirits the class and staff had didn't dampen at all.

Benitez:   "Well there you have it lads. Another win over those bas**rds. And Jay I was proud of the way you gave Tim Cahill a good kicking in the dressing room. Very good."

Spearing:   "No worries boss, he won't try that on one of me mates again will he?"

Benitez:   "I doubt it Jay. Now we have to wait until January before we play them again."

Carragher:   "Unless we get them in the Carling Cup. Oh yeah they're not in that either are they?"

The bus broke into laughing, the loudest being Mr Benitez.

Benitez:   "OK calm down. I don't mind you talking as long as it's not too loud."

Hyypia:   "Eh Nando, well in lad. Ye showed those bitters today."

Torres:   "Well I had a lot of help."

Carragher:   "Nah Sami's right lad. We'd of been lost without ye."

Torres:   "Thank you both, but it was a team effort."

Hyypia:    "Might be a team effort mate, but only your name will be the headlines tomorrow."

Spearing:   "Won't be able to keep the girls off ye now lad."

Steven Gerrard shuddered.

Darby:   "Ye'll have to come out with us Nando. That way Jay can show ye how to fail to pull a bird."

Spearing:   "Well your cousin didn't mind the other night Ste."

Darby:   "Nah, our Michael always liked to play doctor."

Spearing:   "Who's Michael?"

Darby:   "Me cousin."

Spearing:   "I was on about Louise."

Darby:   "That's not me cousin lad. That's me nan's mate."

Hyypia:   "Jay shagged a granny."

Spearing:   "Must a been your age then Sam."

Gerrard:   "Lads calm it down. No need for fighting tonight."

Carragher:   "Leave it out Stevie, it's called banter."

Gerrard:   "Still no need for it after today's result."

Spearing:   "We're only 'avin' a laugh Steve, what's your problem?"

Gerrard:   "Nothing."

The back row rolled their eyes and continued insulting each other.

Torres:   "Are you OK Stevie?"

Gerrard:   "Yeah I'm fine."

Torres:   "No you're not. What's wrong?"

Gerrard:   "I just don't want you going out with that lot."

Torres:   "Why what's wrong with them? I thought they were you friends?"

Gerrard:   "They are and that's why. I know what they're like. They won't treat you with the respect you deserve."

Torres:   "I can look after myself."

Gerrard:   "Nando please, I'm begging you. Don't go with those lads. Please."

Torres:   "OK Stevie. If it that's important to you I won't go."

Gerrard and Torres shook hands then had an intimate hug.

Kuyt:   "Yo Jamez."

Carragher:   "What d'you want lad?"

Kuyt:   "Coz I playz so good out there today in it blood. Are youz gonna ask me to come with youz tonight man?"

Carragher:   "No."

Kuyt:   "Whyz not?"

Carragher:   "Well to put it in terms you might understand. Youz ain't gangsta enough blood."

The bus looked at Carragher with bemused eyes.

Carragher:   "I took gangster speaking lessons to. Still can't make out a word they say."

Alonso:   "Speech is all about how the indivuial person wants to be portrayed?"

Darby:   "So why d'you speak like a snob?"

Alonso:   "Because I have the intelligence to and like to let people know I have that said intelligence."

Reina:   "But you're a dickhead."

Agger:   "Harsh that Pep. Harsh but funny."

Reina:   "No point bullshitting people."

Alonso:   "Jose I am no dickhead as you put it. I am of the highest intelligence."

Carragher:   "Who won the FA Cup in 71 then?"

Alonso:   "Why would I know such an idiotic question like that?"

Carragher:   "So you're all that clever are ye?"

Alonso:   "Because I do not know the answer to a football question?"

Carragher:   "Intelligence isn't measured on the way you speak. It's measured on what you actually know, I for example am clever when it comes to football, you're clever when it comes law. That doesn't make you any more intelligent than me, just means we have a certain level of intelligence in different areas."

Xabi Alonso rolled his eyes and turned away.

Carragher:   "Don't dare look down ye nose at me Xabi or I'll come over there an' snap it."

Agger:   "Leave it Carra. Those snobs never hear you."

Spearing:   "Dan's right."

Carragher:   "Yeah I know. Just can't stand them."

Arebloa:  "Stand and deliver, your money or your life."

Aurelio:   "Why do you always sing?"

Arebloa:   "Sing, sing, sing."

Aurelio:   "Will you answer my question?"

Arebloa:   "The questions are the answers you might need."

Plessis:   "He isn't going to answer you, so save your breath Fab."

Aurelio:   "Why do you always but into my conversations?"

Plessis:   "Because I'm bigger than you."

Keane:   "Don't worry Fab. My nan used to work with a girl who's son went on with someone in a circus. I can get you some stilts if you want."

There was silence around the bus.

Pennant:   "I never get to speak in the bloody thing."

Reina:   "Thank F**k for that."

Pennant:   "What's that supposed to mean?"

Hyypia:   "He means you're a boring c**t, so keep quiet."

Pennant:   "Oh OK."

Pennant faded back into the background.

Spearing:   "This is takin' ages tonight."

Carragher:   "It's rush hour."

Spearing:   "Nah it's all the Evertonians heading to the nearest motorway to commit suicide."

Reina:   "If you was Phil Neville's mum you'd have already done that wouldn't you."

Hyypia:   "Yeah, before you had Phil an' all."

Agger:   "How you mean Sam."

Hyypia:   "Well after Gary, you'd of done yourself in."

Agger:   "True."

Spearing:   "They must cause their parents embarassment."

Reina:   "Yeah I mean Neville Neville hardly brings it on himself does he?"

The back end of the bus begin laughing again.

The bus then finally stopped at Melwood for the lads to make their way home.

, you are a legend!

very good again dls!

when is the next installment of lfcreds school?

whenever I get bored enough mate.

whenever I get bored enough mate.

fair enough

More excellent stuff dls, well in.

This is funny



Keep on lad

Stevie and Nando's relationship is hilarious mate! Loving it, or as Xabi would say 'I am enjoying this fine piece of story writing to a high degree'.