I find these hilarious!
1. Martin Skrtel doesn't tackle forwards. He stares them down until they give the ball to him.
2. Joey may have ate the frogs legs, made the swiss roll and munches gladbach, but Martin Skrtel had him from breakfast.
3. When Skrtel makes a tackle god winces.
4. A comet didnt wipe out dinosuars, it was Martin Skrtel arriving on Earth.
5. If two Martin Skrtels tackled each other at the same time, time would collapse and the Earth would cease to exist.
6. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a football when Martin Skrtel is on the pitch.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Martin Skertl once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned football.
8. Martin Skrtel does not run. He jumps on the spot and the earth moves into position
9. Skrtel actually does waste people - he doesn't f*** about.
10. Apple pays Skrtel 99p every time he listens to a song.
11. Einsteins original theory of relativety was: if Martin Skrtel kicks you your relatives will feel it.
12. There is no 'ctrl' button on Skrtel's keyboard. Skrtel is always in control.
13. Before he goes to sleep, the bogeyman checks the cupboards for Martin Skrtel.
14. Martin Skrtel doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Martin Skrtel is Martin Skrtel.
15. Skrtel can sneeze with his eyes open.
16. They once made a Martin Skrtel toilet paper, but there was a problem - it wouldn't take sh*t from anyone.
17. Martin Skrtel was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost
18. Martin Skrtel sleeps on a bed of nails.
19. Skrtel can kill two stones with one bird.
20. Martin Skrtel can dive to the bottom of the ocean without an oxygen tank.
21. He once destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
22. When Skrtel breaks his arm or leg he saws it off and it grows back straight away. << should have just chop off his knee !
23. Martin Skrtel is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
24. Skrtel does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move out.
25. When he jumps in the ocean, he doesnt get wet, the sea gets Skrtled.
26. Martin Skrtel sees dead people, then kills them again.
27. Martin Skrtel was the first MAN on the Moon.
28. Martin Skrtel doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
29. Skrtel does not sleep. He waits.
30. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Martin Skrtel.
31. There wasn't 300 Spartans, there was just 1 Martin Skrtel.
32. Can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
33. Martin Skrtel doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
34. Martin Skrtel dies two years ago but Death is too scared to tell him.
35. Once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!".
36. RedBull is Martin Skrtel's urine in a can.
37. When Martin Skrtel does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
38. When Martin Skrtel walks through a metal detector at the airport and it beeps,he frisks the security guard.
39. Martin Skrtel does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
40. Jedis and Sith use the Force. Martin Skrtel IS the Force.
41. He invented Cessarian Section by roundhousing himself out of his mother.
42. Martin Skrtel can draw a straight line with a compass.
43. Skrtel makes onions cry.
44. Martin Skrtel is the reason why Wally is hiding in all of his books.
45. Skrtel's body mass is 94% Iron 6% Titanium.
46. "Martin Skrtel isn't hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Martin Skrtel."
47. When Martin Skrtel pays for a meal in New York,the waiter tips him.
49. If you have a flim, and Martin Skrtel has a flim. Martin Skrtel has more money than you.
50. When Martin Skrtel walks in the pub in "shameless",Paddy Maguire walks out (out the back door).
51. Martin Skrtel can beat rock with scissors.
52. Skrtel is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
53. Martin Skrtel crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
54. He has looked into the abyss, laughed, then had some dinner.
55. Martin Skrtel uses a night light. Not because Martin Skrtel is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Martin Skrtel.
56. The Bible was originally titled "Martin Skrtel and Friends"
57. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Martin Skrtel can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
58. Martin Skrtel makes hurricanes when he blinks.
59. Martin Skrtel leaves messages before the beep.
60. Martin Skrtel doesn't wear condoms, because there's no such thing as protection from Martin Skrtel.
61. Martin Skrtel once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
62. Martin Skrtel once had a staring contest with a brick wall, and won.
63. Martin Skrtel did in fact, build Rome in a day.
64. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Martin Skrtel is on.
65. Martin Skrtel's calendar jumps from March 31st to April 2nd....because nobody fools Martin Skrtel"
66. Martin Skrtel owns a box of white dog poo.
67. Skrtel, the man who scared the vowels out of his name. << except for the one letter 'e' in his name
