We're in the grip of recession and Ronaldo just wants more
Last updated at 10:56 PM on 15th November 2008
I want to transport you inside the brain of Cristiano Ronaldo, an expanse of cerebral fluid that roughly equates to that of a male Dicopomorpha echmepterygis, the world's smallest insect (they're blind, wingless, parasitic wasps).
You will recall how this pizzafaced Portugese goon led Manchester United on a merry little dance all summer with his outrageous 'It is my dream, a step forward' flirtation with Real Madrid.
Since he decided to stay, or rather since his boss (I can't reveal the manager's name as he is currently banned from this column) pointed out that he could either honour his contract or rot in the reserves, young Cristiano has behaved with all the petulance you'd imagine from an overly cocky, unusually stupid footballer.
Greedy boy; Can't Ronaldo understand that he must show a bit of remorse for his flirtations with Real Madrid before fans forgive him?
His form has been patchy (freekicks against Stoke don't count), his body language sulky and his general demeanour has consistently screamed: 'I should have gone to Madrid.'
United fans have continued to support him, but not with quite the idolatory fervour they showed last season, when he scored 42 goals and won them the Premiership and Champions League. It's the same at the Emirates with Emmanuel Adebayor, who lost his special bond with Arsenal fans after his own appalling 'Come and get me Barcelona and AC Milan' antics in the close season.
Football fans, the real ones, know when they've been disrespected.
So you might expect Ronaldo's advisers to have a quiet word in his pock-marked, diamond-studded ear, suggesting a few things to help repair the relationship. Some high-profile hospital visits in Manchester, perhaps? Or a large personal donation to a favoured fans' charity? Even a really sincere, honest, self-critical 'I was a greedy, selfish b*****d and I'm sorry' interview with a newspaper might do the trick.
But no. His advisers had a better idea: 'Cristiano, let's go public and demand a £50,000-a-week pay rise!'
Now, think about the timing of that decision for a moment. Britain is in the grip of the worst recession for a century. Millions of people are facing negative equity in their homes, the threat of losing their jobs and the very real fear of not being able to feed their kids.
And as they wake at 6am, stressed and exhausted from the sheer unrelenting strain of this terrible credit crunch, they turn on the TV for some light relief and hear that Cristiano Ronaldo wants another £2.6 million a year on top of his existing £6.2m-a-year, five-year contract. Or he'll pack up his expensive toys and leave.
'It is normal that a footballer wants a deal to go with his status and one that matches his performances on the field,' explained his agent.
Hmm, let's analyse that statement, shall we? Ronaldo has been, by his standards, pretty average all season and his 'status' in most people's eyes is currently residing several miles south of Ashey Cole (a position I never thought it possible to occupy).
This sickening new pay demand confirms everything I suspected about Cristiano Ronaldo. He's a brilliant footballer, but he's also a shallow, grasping, self-obsessed wastrel whose thoughts about fidelity could be written on the back of a grain of rice.
United may be one of my least favourite teams on the planet, but I'll say this about them: they're a fantastically successful club, with a wonderful history and a terrifically loyal, passionate set of fans.
They don't need this arrogant twerp running rings around them any more, however well he runs rings round opposing teams. The manager who can't be named should take Ronaldo's latest request for 50 per cent more credit...and crunch him.
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I had a good laugh when I read that.............greedy swine.
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