Jokes Thread

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

that made me smile Bpatel but only because i feel just like he did !



A VERY SPECIAL DRINK !
 

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.

 

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

 

The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

X      A salt shaker,

X      A shot of Baileys,

X      A shot of lime juice

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

 

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, And finally you drink the lime juice.'

 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

 

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

 

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

 

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

 

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

 

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles....  and mucous-like consistency hits.....

 

3. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

 

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

 

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

 

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow-Job Revenge.

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.


Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his  ass  !"
 
************************************************************************************************

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!!"

Excellent Aussie Red

Great jokes as always Aussie

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so
he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his a problem.

A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel...

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part.


The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with
an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg
up your ar*e and go as a f-----g toffee apple!

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSEL AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE D UCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:   
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE
 
This is a new show called 'Asylum'
 
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already
given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes,
courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now
the fastest growing game on the planet.
 
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport,
and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.
 
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at
£180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry
companies or Eurostar.
 
No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do
is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.
 
Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown
Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local
law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of
thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain
 
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the
world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.
 
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to
phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of
lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won't cost
you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.
 
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN!
 
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the
ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France . Go straight to Britain and
you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the
softest game on earth.
 
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.
 
FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAX PAYER YOU KNOW!

nice ones AJ... :

 


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*kng good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?
************************************************************************************************


Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admi tted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
 
The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel,
but, even in Heaven, a  royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

Where do you get them from AussieRed ?  they're the business ! 

just got a wicked sense of humour frizzby

Seriously, just get emails from friends ...then I have to screen them to see if they're forum worthy

Same here AussieRed, I have about 300+ from my cousin and his friends but a lot have pictures attached and I haven't mastered the tecnique of posting the jokes with an attachment yet, but look out when I do ! 

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do.'"

***************************************************************************************************
When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies."
Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

A man bumps into his ex girlfriend in a shopping centre and the man says
"I still think of you while I have sex"
The woman replies "Really?"
The man replies "Yeah, it helps me last longer"

Class Aussie and Bpatel

IRISH CHAT UP LINES !

1.Did you just fart ? because you just blew me away !

2.Are you're parent's retarded ? because you're special !

3.My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in !

4.Is there a mirror in your knickers ? because i can see myself in there !

5.your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime i think of you my nuts tighten !

6.You might not be the best looking girl in the world but beauty is only a light switch away !

Old couple in church,during the service
the wife whispers
i just done a silent fart
 what should i do ?
hubby leans over and says
put a F***ing battery in youre hearing aid.

A wife says to her husband
bulls can f*ck 3000 times a year
why cant you?
the husband replies
ask the bull
if he f*cks the same cow every night.

Paddy goes into superdrug & asks
 have you got ky jelly
the assistant says no have you tried boots
paddy says
i want to slide in not f*ckin march in.

Seen this yesterday when the missus brought some work home:

Bostik Findley ( evostik ) All Weather Adhesive "Sticks Like Sh*t"  

Don't know if the first joke as already been posted Man walks into the Pharmacy & asks "where are the Tampons?" Assistant replies" Over by the cotton wool" The bloke comes back with cotton wool and toilet paper, the Pharmacist says "I thought u wanted tampons?" The fella says "Yesterday she got me baccy instead of fags,so now she can F$*KING roll her own!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife comes home early & catches hubby having a w*nk in the kitchen. She rushes over & gives him the blow job of his life. After it he asks....We haven't had sex for 6 months & suddenly this!! Why? She answers..I just washed the floor this morning. I'd rather brush my teeth than clean then F%&king floor again!

 

 :


 

qwality mate loved them all...and no I'm pretty sure that 1st one hasn't been on here before.