LFCReds School

Class one DLS! And hillarious too

Well in DLS, it's good to be back at school.

Fantastic.

Nice work DLS.

The staff room in the latest edition is uncannily familiar.

I forgot today was Thursday, but I've been writing one for the last half hour or so.

The Future Is Shaped By Us In The Present

The girls, boys and pets...I mean teachers once again decided to have another crack of school, which still seems baffling to some as to why people would want volunteer to go to school but there you go.

JD: "Well unfortunately class, music has again been cancelled as Mr Kenny is still drunk. Although he does seem to be cutting down as during this day he's only drunk 14 cans of Stella since 9 this morning. The clock strikes 10 as Headmaster JD is speaking. So you'll be asked to stay here in form for first lesson but you will have History, Cookery, Geography and French today."

Shay: "Oh the joy."

aw1: "Come on Shay mate, an hour with Miss Smiggs isn't bad."

Shay: "To be honest the pinny and Ainsley Harriott like hat doesn't do too much for me."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "Maybe she has a nice personality."

JD: "She doesn't."

Sarah: "You lads are too judgemental."

gareth g: "So."

Dizzy: "So it's innsensitive."

Shay: "So is drooling over Brad Pitt but you seem to be quite happy doing that."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "At least we don't care if he's big then."

The girls all look at themselves with that awkward feel.

Gow: "You looking forward to History mate?"

Ross: "Yeah I like history."

Gow: "I do but I'm a bit unsure about it to be honest."

Ross: "Why?"

Gow: "Cos you can't change the past to make it a better place."

Ross: "No but you can change the future to make that the better place. And the way to do that is to learn from the mistakes in the past."

Gow: "That's one way of looking at it. And the future is shaped by us in the present."

Ross: "Exactly. It's up to us to ensure the future is a safe place for the next generation."

7kk7: "Come on lads this is form, it's meant to be a piss take and talk about anything except anything educational."

Gow: "Well some us have more to us than the size of xxLiverPrinc3ssxx's knockers."

7kk7: "Yes some of us do, but you're not one of them."

Gow: "True, so how big you guessing?"

7kk7: "Bigger than mine I'd say."

Ross: "Shall we get a sweep going round?"

Gow: "Yeah, all put a tenner in. Closest to the correct size wins."

Mags: "I'm up for that."

7kk7: "I think the entire class is up for it."

Mags: "We can't let her know though."

The four lads continued to discuss the possibility of a sweep while more sensible conversations continued around the class.

StevieG-force: "So is it pizza hut or dominos?"

Witto: "KFC for me."

Semple: "Gotta be different haven't you."

Witto: "Well the world needs me rather than just another you."

macca: "I didn't know you could be so profound."

Witto: "Well I can't, but the genius writing my lines for me can be."

macca: "Think highly of him don't you."

Witto: "No not really, but he thinks highly of himself and since it's his work he can praise himself as highly as he wants."

StevieG-force: "I think he's an obnoxious tosser by the sounds of it."

Witto: "He is."

Semple: "That's true. He is."

Kenny: "Sod that, are we going to pizza hut?"

Ad: "I am. I need some grub."

Redsonfire: "Yeah, come on lets go."

macca: "What about school?"

StevieG-force: "They're talking about after school mate."

macca: "Oh."

Semple: "Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree are you."

macca: "It's not christmas for another six months."

Semple shakes his head and at the same time the bell rings for second lesson.

MsG: "Hello class and welcome to your first History lesson. Some of you may remember I used to come to this school before I was a teacher."

Shay: "Yeah why were you made into a teacher?"

MsG: "Because I'm clever and you're not."

gareth g: "Very true."

Huyton Red: "She's got you there Shay."

robbyr: "Yeha sehs gt u der Shya."

MsG: "Now that that's sorted, can we get on with it please?"

aw1: "I thought you'd never ask."

MsG: "Detention aw1."

aw1: "For wanting to work, what a bloody joke."

Shay: "Does seem a bit unfair."

MsG: "You can always serve his detention for him Shay."

Shay: "I thought it was the perfect decision you made there Ms."

MsG: "So did I. Now can anybody tell me a famous year in History?"

Gow: "1066."

MsG: "Correct, and what happened that year?"

Gow: "You were born Ms."

MsG: "aw1 now has somebody to join him during detention."

aw1: "I hope it's Dizzy."

MsG: "No it isn't."

aw1: "Sarah?"

MsG: "Can anybody tell me what happened in 1096?"

Shay: "You celebrated your tenth birthday?"

MsG looked sternly at Shay and threw him a detention letter.

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "You lads were out of order then in History. MsGerrard is trying to teach us something and all you do is laugh at her."

gareth g: "Yeah show a bit more respect."

Shay: "Cheeky git Gaz, it was you who told us to say those things."

Witto: "I thought it was funny."

Shay: "Don't suck up."

Dizzy: "Poor Shay is in a bad mood now."

Sarah: "He's never in anything but a bad mood."

LFCMau: "Especially since MsG turned him down last year."

Shay: "She didn't turn me down."

Ross: "Saying I'd rather French kiss a skunk is turning you down mate."

Smiggs: "Enough of your private life Ross. Can we get on with cooking now?"

Ross: "Be my guest."

Smiggs: "Thank you. Now in front of you there should be a goose. I want you to chop it's head off."

Mags: "Which end is the head?"

7kk7 points out the end with the beak.

Mags: "Ta mate."

7kk7: "No worries. I've had experience diverting which end sh*t naturally comes out from and which end sh*t is spouted out from."

Mags: "Why are we cutting the head off though?"

Smiggs: "Because Mag, it's much easier to have grilled headless goose if the goose is headless."

Mags: "Good answer."

Smiggs: "Now have you all got headless geese?"

Semple: "Charlie hasn't, he's got a three legged goose."

Redsonfire: "I think I've done it wrong."

Smiggs: "Not to worry, we can always substitute the goose for you."

Miss Smigger laughed evily while Redsonfire went as white as a goose. Fortunately for him, the bell rang and it was time for Geography with Mr Crouchinho.

Crouchinho: "Sit down, shut up and open your books at page 26."

Ad: "Why we don't start ate page 1 sir?"

Crouchinho: "Because the part about Australia doesn't begin until page 26 that's why."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "There are other parts to the world though."

Crouchinho: "Not in this classroom."

Semple: "Hardly seems fair."

Crouchinho: "Neither is the fact that Peter Crouch has got a fit bird on his arm but that's life."

AussieRed: "I don't mind learning about Austrialia."

Dmasta: "Me neither."

Crouchinho: "There you have three against one."

gareth g: "It's more like three against everybody else."

Crouchinho: "Yes but in this classroom only Austrialian's count."

Shay: "So who is the one Aussie who doesn't wanna learn about Aborigenes?"

Mr Crouchinho points to the corner where Rolf Harris is sitting with his didgeridoo.

Shay: "And he doesn't wanna learn because?"

Crouchinho: "Because he's Rolf Harris."

Shay: "And that makes him not wanna learn about Australia."

Crouchinho: "No but it's enough of a reason to hate him and not talk to him therefore he doesn't learn."

gareth g: "He's right there. Being Rolf Harris is enough of a reason to hate Rolf Harris.

Just before the bell rang to signal last lesson, the class agreed that they could hate Rolf Harris on the grounds that he was Rolf Harris.

Ayrton: "Bonjour."

StevieG-force: "Do we have to speak French."

Ayrton: "It is a French lesson."

StevieG-force: "I know but the person typing this doesn't know any French other than bonjour and au revoir."

Ayrton: "That's why he should listen to my lesson."

StevieG-force: "Go on then."

Ayrton: "Comment'appelle tu?"

There was a huge silence from the class.

Ayrton: "Quel age avez-vous?"

There was another silence from the class.

Ayrton: "Cassez vous alors."

The class gasped.

Shay: "There's no need for that sort of language."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "Disgraceful."

Witto: "Clean your mouth out with soap and water."

If you want to find out what Mr Ayrton was saying then do as I did and go to http://uk.babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt and you willl find out Mr Ayrton said you break then.

Ayrton: "Well since you're all appalled by what I said, you can go home."

The class except Gow, Shay and aw1 left for home while those three went to their detention with MsG.

If you wanna see what lessons the class will face tomorrow you're going to be gutted because school is only open on Thursdays.

If you wanna join the school then you lack sense.

If you enjoy this then something is wrong with this world.

And finally if you wanna see next week's episode then come back next Thursday.

MsG: "So did I. Now can anybody tell me a famous year in History?"

Gow: "1066."

MsG: "Correct, and what happened that year?"

Gow: "You were born Ms."

MsG: "aw1 now has somebody to join him during detention."

aw1: "I hope it's Dizzy."

MsG: "No it isn't."

aw1: "Sarah?"

MsG: "Can anybody tell me what happened in 1096?"

Shay: "You celebrated your tenth birthday?"

This part is hillarious  .....sorrry Ms.G we all know you're not that old !

Can I be in one of your stories DLS ? 

Brilliant DLS I'd give you a plus if I could but what was this Austrialia you were talking about.

Hahaha My first appearance at school, that was class.

I really don't know where the idea that Kenny is a raging alcoholic from.

Anyway, good work DLS.

This part is hillarious  .....sorrry Ms.G we all know you're not that old !

Can I be in one of your stories DLS ? 

Yeah no problem Niks girl. (and MsG is that old )

Detention, what about KFC.

Gow: "Well some us have more to us than the size of xxLiverPrinc3ssxx's knockers."
Did you really said that Gow !

Semple: "Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree are you."

macca: "It's not christmas for another six months."

Looks like I'm the not the smartest of them all !

Anyway funny as ever!

Nice one DLS , as funny as ever 

Thanks for the mention DLS.

Funny as F**k, as usual.

@ AussieRed: "I don't mind learning about Austrialia."

HA HA HA HA HA

I seem aggressive with a hint of nationalism. I like it.

Well in DLS, it was F***ing hilarious!

Well in DLS that was great

*puts hand up* please can me and my beard be in one?

Great stuff DLS!

People Are Strange When You're A Stranger

And our fantastic writer has again be held to randsom to write another side splitting, BAFTA winning, micky taking script.

JD: "Hello boys and girls, have you had a good week?"

Gow: "I did, ta boss."

aw1: "I did, went out for a proper knees up."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "So that's why you're sitting on your elbows?"

aw1: "I suppose it must be."

Shay: "Who did you go with Al?"

aw1: "Jenny Ellison."

Shay: "How far did you get."

gareth g: "If he got past Bold Street I'd be surprised."

Shay: "I'd go as far as Renshaw."

Semple: "I'd say Slater Street."

Witto: "Yeah but nobody asked you."

Semple: "Or you."

Sarah: "Stop arguing, it's boring."

niksluvslfc: "I agree Sarah, it's tedious."

Dizzy Munchkin: "Is it only us girls who don't have to argue."

Shay: "That's only through lack of confidence."

Redsonfire: "I'm confident but don't have to argue."

gareth g: "You wanna bet?"

Redsonfire: "Not particularly."

gareth g: "Your loss."

Gow: "It's more your loss isn't it Gaz since you ain't gaining anything."

Ad: "I was thinking along those lines as well."

Gow: "Everybody should think along my lines."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "I've had your lines haven't I Gow."

BigRed1978: "Is that something you'd admit to?"

The entire class looked round to see the strange voice.

Shay: "Who the heck are you?"

aw1: "Yeah who are you?"

AussieRed: "Is he Australian?"

Dmasta: "Hopefully."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "If he is, Mr Crouch will give him an A*."

BigRed1978: "I'm not sure where I'm from. I'll let you know in due cause."

macca: "That beard is cerainly from another planet."

Shay: "Oi Mac you're not meant to talk to strange blokes."

Gow: "Not unless they offer you sweets first anyway."

BigRed1978: "I'm not strange."

The class looked up and down the beard.

BigRed1978: "Point taken."

niksluvslfc: "I like your beard."

BigRed1978: "Do you want to touch it?"

niksluvslfc: "I don't like it that much."

BigRed1978 tried to gets niks to touch his beard right through the corridors up until Maths with Mr Venison.

Venison: "OK, we're gonna start with the basics because it's the only part of maths anybody needs to know. So we're gonna shout out the numbers one to ten. Dizzy you start."

Dizzy: "One."

Venison: "Now you 7kk7."

7kk7: "Two."

Venison: "Shay."

Shay: "Ten."

Venison: "What?"

Shay: "You said one, two, ten."

Mr Venison planted a right hook on Shay as well as throwing him a detention letter, while nobody was looking of course.

Bpatel: "Settle down. OK come on"

gareth g: "Get down on it."

Bpatel: "Congratulations Gareth, you have just earned yourself a detention. Are you proud of yourself now?"

gareth g: "I'm Kool and the Gang with it."

Witto: "So am I."

Bpatel: "Well now you can join him then Witto."

aw1: "Can I join them."

Bpatel: "No you can do something even more frustrating. You get to read McBeth."

Gow: "On you Al."

aw1: "That's piss easy. McBeth kills the king, he becomes king, he gets haunted by Banquo, the end."

Bpatel: "The full script."

Just as aw1 had started reading McBeth the bell went and on to Science.

CRK: "Hello everybody."

xxLiverPrinc3ssxx: "Here's the hunk."

Sarah: "100% agree."

Shay: "Same here."

CRK: "OK settle down because we need to have a Science lesson."

Semple: "Do we really?"

CRK: "Well if you don't tell anybody, neither will I."

Semple: "Sound."

So no Science work was taken, the class just talked amongst themselves about how fantastic the writer of this while Mr County modelled for the girls before the class left for Mechanics with Mr Robbo.

paulrobbo: "Grab a bike and start on it's engine."

Shay's eyes lit up as he looked around for MsGerrard. (sorry Cas, I really am girl.)

The class would have lasted longer but our fantastic writer, for all his talents, doesn't have a clue about mechanics. The last lesson was PE with Mr Court.

Court: "Split into two teams and play football. It's easier that way."

The scoreline finished 4-2, but nobody really gives a toss to which side.

If you do give a toss then you need your head testing.

If you worry over your persona in this thread then get a F***ing grip.

And if you enjoyed this week's don't be afraid to hand out a few +s.

Another good one, Billy.

I'll have you for that right hook Mr. Venison.   

Good work xo

Thanks for the mention DLS ! Really funny once again !

+ for you. Great stuff.