BBQ Round At Hendo's
With the summer holidays in full swing, the boys of Liverpool Football School all took a trip to Headboy Hendo's house for a barbecue.
Henderson: "Alreet boys listen up to us like cause I didnee wanna make a long speech."
Jones: "Thank Fowler for that."
Henderson: "That's enough lip from you CJ and poot that salt an' pepper set back on the table will ye. I saw you pocket them ye thievin' Scouse c**t. Now I've lost me thread. Where was we?"
Alexander-Arnold: "I think dear Captain that we were in the midst of you not making a long winded speech."
Henderson: "At ye reet Trent, thanks man."
Robertson: "Aye my Trent is always right."
Henderson: "Yeah reet, so I didnee wanna make a long speech."
Van Dijk: "Hendo man, you've said that. You want to move this on or not? You feel me?"
Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, you've said that. You want to move this on or not like my man Big Virg said?"
Henderson: "I'll listenee to Big Virg but you Little Virg can shoot the f**k up man."
Elliott: "Erm Skip?"
Henderson: "What's up Harvey man?"
Elliott: "His Royal Moness wants to know if the meat at this here barbecue is halal."
Henderson: "No it's Lidal."
Elliott: "I shall inform the His Royal Moness."
Henderson: "Any more interruptions or can I finish me speech like?"
Konate: "Hendo Monsieur."
Henderson: "Yes Ibou?"
Konate: "I not understand a word being said. I confused. I struggle."
Alexander-Arnold: "I wouldn't worry about it too much Ibrahima as I don't think anything of any note has been said yet. And despite our dear Captain wishing not to make a long speech, he's doing exactly that. Rather ironic when you think about it."
Jones: "Lad what's with all the 'airs and graces there? Speak properly like me. You're f***in' Scouse for fucks sake."
Tsmikas: "Innit lad la."
Alexander-Arnold: "If you expect to speak like that Curtis then you're going to be very disappointed I'm afraid. I have no desire to sound like you common people. I'm far above that level."
Jones: "Stuck up middle-class wannabe West Derby semi-detatched rose garden elm tree tit."
Tsmikas: "Where's da scran la Hendo kidder mate?"
Henderson: "It's cookig'. Now please will you let me finish."
Elliott: "His Royal Moness says tt'll give Ali and Fab time to finish praying and it'll also give Lucho and Cody some more time to finish snorting that salt up your nose. You know what they're like when they see small white particles like that."
They all look to Diaz and Gakpo, who are indeed doing lines of salt.
Diaz: "No, no, no. I no not do drugs. I clean."
Gakpo: "I'm on one hell of a ride. Hendo that salt is the sh*t Hendo. How much?"
Henderson: "Fifty pence from Asda."
Gakpo: "Pepper gets shaken Hendo but that salt gets you twisted. Weeeeeeeeeeee."
Van Dijk: "You want to be careful Hendo man, them carrying on like that will bring plod to your door."
Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv you need to be careful because them carrying on like that will bring the filth to your drum."
Jones: "Is there a f***in' echo in 'ere or what?"
Elliott: "His Royal Moness said there was an Echo in here but as there was no toilet paper when I had to wipe his arse, there's no longer an Echo."
Robertson: "Ock jeeze Louise Harv, you didnee wipe 'is arse with a newspaper did ya? It'll be cut to ribbons man."
Elliott: "All the more chance His Royal Moness will ask me to kiss it better."
Robertson: "Eh that's not a bad wee plan you've come up with there Harv. Do you think it'll work with me and Trent like?"
Elliott: "I highly doubt your lust driven relationship with Trent is anywhere near as dear and genuine as mine and His Royal Mo."
Robertson: "Ock you didnee know what ye talkin' aboot wee fella. 'Ows the burgers Hendo?"
Henderson: "I don't know and I don't care. This whole barbecue has been a fiasco."
Konate: "Hendo man. I still confused."
Henderson: "And I'm confused as to why I bother bein' Headboy. I don't get any respect. I don't get any support. I'm just treated as a mockery by you lot. All of you. None of you listen to me. You only pretend when Sir is about. Well I've had it. You hear me? Had enough."
Jones: "If you've had enough Hendo can the rest of us start tuckin' in cause we're starved."
Tsmikas: "Yeah la kidder. Me mam T do no scran for tea tonight la."
Henderson: "You see nobody listens. Where's Diogo? He'll listen to me."
Alisson: "God has placed Diogo thus under the table. Shaking like the leaves in the Garden of Eden."
Henderson walks over the table, looks underneath it and grabs a shaking Diogo Jota by the scruff of the neck.
Henderson: "Diogo, you'll listen won't you? You'll do as I say?"
Jota trembles even more but nods.
Henderson: "Good. Now you see that barbecue?"
Henderson points at it as sweat pours off Jota but Diogo manages another nod.
Henderson: "Well I want you to go over and set that a light to make all these people happy. Got it?"
His entire body now vibrating, Jota meekly heads over to the barbecue and lights it. And the boys in unison sing "Oh he finally lit the barbie, now maybe he will cook our tea."
Fabinho: "Hot stuff, just like Mr Pep calls my wife."
Ramsey: "Fire burns like a Scotsman's heart. Wisdom learns not to poo when you fart. Old Scottish poem."
Matip: "AH FIRE."
Big Joel quickly pours water all over the barbecue to put the flames out.
Robertson: "You f***in' berk Joel."
Jones: "What 'ave you done lad?"
Henderson: "Fucks sake Joel man."
Alisson: "The burning bush is now a soggy flower."
Ramsey: "Liquid and heat are not always best friends. But curry with no water stings at both ends. Old Scottish poem."
Konate: "I understand curry."
Robertson: "Well it looks like it's gonee 'ave to be curry after this."
Henderson: "Well for fucks sake Robbo, keep Laurel and Hardy away from the spices. Otherwise we'll all be off our tits by the end of the night."
Van Dijk: "Don't worry Hendo man. I'll keep tabs on Cody and Lucho."
Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, don't be fretting about Cody and Lucho. Me and Big Virg will keep an eye on them."
And with Van Dijk holding Diaz and Gakpo in a vice like grip under each of his arms, the lads went off to find a curry house and hopefully get their tea.