Serious Dilemma - A Friend On The Edge

This is hard, I have a friend who wants me to visit, but has made it clear it will probably be the last time I see him.

It's a long tale, some I can't really go into huge detail on here.  He lost his mother to cancer and then he drifted from relationship to relationship.  He then suffered a horrible physical attack and I don't mean a beating.  He became more insular, moved away and got so down, he made an attempt on his own life. A few more moves, a few more failed relationships and he eventually became a recluse.  He got diagnosed with depression, agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress. 

The question is, what do I do?  He says he's perfectly rational and he wants to kill himself, he's tired of life. I know he hasn't been in contact with his family, he has cut himself off completely.  I want to contact his counsellor, but I don't have any contact details.  I've never been in such a quandary.  I could contact his family, I still have some contact with them, but then it's the betrayal issue. 

Really don't know what to do and this, just typing it put has helped me.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do, just know that nothing is not an option.

This is hard, I have a friend who wants me to visit, but has made it clear it will probably be the last time I see him.

It's a long tale, some I can't really go into huge detail on here.  He lost his mother to cancer and then he drifted from relationship to relationship.  He then suffered a horrible physical attack and I don't mean a beating.  He became more insular, moved away and got so down, he made an attempt on his own life. A few more moves, a few more failed relationships and he eventually became a recluse.  He got diagnosed with depression, agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress. 

The question is, what do I do?  He says he's perfectly rational and he wants to kill himself, he's tired of life. I know he hasn't been in contact with his family, he has cut himself off completely.  I want to contact his counsellor, but I don't have any contact details.  I've never been in such a quandary.  I could contact his family, I still have some contact with them, but then it's the betrayal issue. 

Really don't know what to do and this, just typing it put has helped me.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do, just know that nothing is not an option.

Tough one mate.

But it may be worth thinking about contacting his family as if he is contemplating taking his own life it is worth trying everything to maybe get him to see there might be another way.

I don't have any real answer but I don't think this is one you should deal with on your own.

My feeling is you need to do something. Regardless of what he thinks is right, taking your own life with no reason other than being sick of it is just not an option IMO. It's not betrayal IMO, it's being a good friend and trying to do everything you can.

Real tough one though mate, sorry to hear you're in this position

The only thing, maybe apart from contacting whatever family he has left, is to go and see him. Even if you just let him do the talking, he says he's tired of life, but it may be one particular thing that is getting him really down.

Don't judge, just let him try and explain why he's feeling miserable. He might not want to speak to a counsellor, he might just need a friend.

That is a tough one. I am not sure what needs to be done but know something has to be done. I agree with Bigv about contacting the family.

Sorry to hear of your predicament mate, a terrible situation for anyone to be in.

Definetly get his family in touch with him.

The only thing I would suggest is that you contact a family member who your friend would trust and would wave faith in him or her,it should not be your sole responsibility even as a friend to carry a problem shared is the way to go imo.
I hope everthing will be ok for you and your friend.

Hard for any of us to advise on this but I agree that you should speak to his family. If he does take his life then if will offer you no comfort thinking that you didn't 'betray' him.

Try and get him help Rodders.
Ask yourself what choice can you live with and what are the consequences of your actions.

If you call out and you two have a great time. Was it just a call for help? Will he be talked out? If not seeing as you'd most likely be the last person that saw him alive will you face police questioning if they find out.

Seeing that you said he seems rational could he also seem cold and calculating. Knowing that he is planning to take his own life. Does he actually want to talk to you or does he need someone to find his body not too long afterwards? That might seem harsh to suggest, but you don't know what you're facing.

Contact someone, anyone. The way I see this you're losing this friend one way or the other. I'd rather lose him as a friend because I tried to save his life than lose him forever because I stood by and let him go.

That's an unenviable situation you are facing Stu and the choices are limited, if you did contact his family it is doubtful as to whether they could affect anything, you say you have picked up on your friends emotional catastrophy do you not think a member of his family may have also caught on?
 The fact that it has snowballed to this madness tells a story - nobody is equipped to deal with it.
The only option is seek professional help there are organisations out there who recognise the signs of profound emotional trauma and are trained to deal with it, make some enquiries mate and I hope to Christ it works out.

Difficult one this....he's been in touch with you and wants you to visit him, it's obviously a cry for help.

Don't deal with this on your own, it's not fair, get his Family involved if you're in touch with them, and the authorities.....you need to do everything you can to help him, and hopefully one day, he'll thank you.

Good luck hun 

and the authorities...

Is what I was going to add to the other advice. Technically he could be taken in under the mental health act. But it might do much worse than good?

Made an appointment with my GP, to see what my options are medically.  If I have no recourse through that avenue, I'll go to his family.  The estranged relationship with his father was tricky enough before this started, so he is a last resort.

Sounds like a cry for help to me Rodders, if he was serious about taking his own life he'd have done it without informing any one and placing this terrible weight on your shoulders.

Can't really advise you what to do as you know the man and I don't, but if it was one of my mates, I'd do my upmost to show him regardless of the past, he's got everything to live for.

The only thing, maybe apart from contacting whatever family he has left, is to go and see him. Even if you just let him do the talking, he says he's tired of life, but it may be one particular thing that is getting him really down.

Don't judge, just let him try and explain why he's feeling miserable. He might not want to speak to a counsellor, he might just need a friend.

Agree with HR on this one, and as been said before by racer, do this when you've spoken to him face to face, you'll know better what your dealing with.

Contact someone, anyone. The way I see this you're losing this friend one way or the other. I'd rather lose him as a friend because I tried to save his life than lose him forever because I stood by and let him go.

Either way, the guy is calling out for help and needs a response from either his friends/family or medical help.

Good luck Rodders mate, hope it works out.

Is what I was going to add to the other advice. Technically he could be taken in under the mental health act. But it might do much worse than good?

It doesn't sound like it should entail getting him sectioned under the Mental Health act which is what you are implying, there are less stringent measures that can be taken to treat such conditions and the organisations mentioned earlier are there for that reason. If however it is apparent that these measures are not helping the appropriate advice will be offered, friends and family mean well but are not equipped to deal with the complexities of profound mental trauma.
The help of well meaning associates or family could in the long term be detrimental to the man whose problem will remain and expand if not addressed correctly, there has been occasion when a family member went through the whole process over some years and did eventually get sectioned and very traumatic it was, she did get herself right eventually thank god and is leading a normal life now - her story was quite complex as I've no doubt your friends is but there really is only one solution, hopefully - seek help.

redkenny may be able to offer some useful advice. I know he works in Mental Health but I don't know his role exactly.

redkenny may be able to offer some useful advice. I know he works in Mental Health but I don't know his role exactly.

True mate.

Hard indeed.

There's absolutely no denying that life has kicked your friend whilst he's down and keeps on kicking.

The one solitary thing he needs to realise is that life actually will to stop kicking you at some point, the law of averages by nature has to step in at some point. The problem your friend has is that he is living as a recluse and this cuts down drastically the chance for the law of averages to work its magic. He may be on a long road back but the first cause of action is to get him to realise that for life to start being kind it will take a leap of faith by himself in the law of averages, sitting in a flat on your own, I'd imagine he's drinking, with nothing but your own thoughts can only lead to the conclusion he's reached.

Your friend has backed himself into a corner of depression and solitary misery, unfortunately the only one who can help him out of that situation at the moment is him and that just leaves him in a loop of mental battery.

The fact that he's made it clear that he wants to end it but has chosen to tell you and ask to see you is a good thing. If he were at the end of the road mentally you wouldn't have been aware.

It's hard for you but you must go and see him and point out the positives. That'll be hard because they will be so far at the back of his memory that you may have to drag them out. You're going to have your work cut out but if it comes to the point that you have to leave and you're convinced that he wants to end it and will if you leave then you have choices to make.

I can't really help on the choices as I think at times like this the person closest must choose the outcome of the situation. Some are hard, some are easy but please remember before choosing what your course of action should be that it's what's best for your friend and nobody else. You have to listen to him, you may not think it's all his choice but you have to listen to all he has to say to make that judgement.

Good luck mate. Tell him to be a red and he'll never walk alone.