Gis a game!

Put your vitals, and preferred positions down here and help Liverpool Football Club out of their sticky patch.

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: JD (will save you a bit of money on printing my name)

Age: 32

Position: Left Midfield

Unique skills: Not colour blind.  Can pass to players with same coloured shirt on as me.

Minutes: I could probably last about 25.

Cost: I'll play for free but I'll need a post match massage. From a woman.

Things I won't do: Sulk.

Favourite word or phrase: Possibilities.

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: CRK (A little pricier )

Age: 22

Position: Anywhere you need me.

Unique skills: I can identify runs. I can also be friendly and positive.

Downfalls: I am actually colour blind. I'll be okay as long as we're not playing teams who play in green.

Cost: Just pay me my current yearly salary. A week please. Not much really.

Things I won't do: Shag any of my teammates birds. I'm good like that. 

Favourite word or phrase: Effort.

Name: Not Djimi Traore so there's a vast improvement.

Age: 19

Position: Centre Mid

Unique Skills: Quiz Champion

Minutes: Could go for at least 20 minutes running, a further 20 walking and a further 20 crawling.

Cost: Free.

Things I won't do: Pass the ball forward when there's a sideways or backwards pass on.

Favourite word or phrase: Billy

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: AD (will save you a bit of money on printing my name)

Age: 19

Position: Anywhere

Unique skills: Pass to a teammate.

Minutes: A whole season (Yes, available for selection week in, week out)

Cost: I don't need basic wages but I'd like an apartment, a sport car and a sexy missus.

Things I won't do: Dive.

Favourite word or phrase: Important and difficult.

Name: Stuart

Age: 21

Position: Right Midfield

Unique skills: I can get crosses into the box and won't drift in and leave Johnson do all the work out on the right. I can't run around for 90 minutes like a kid that has had half a bag of sugar though.

Minutes: The full ninety if the pitch isn't cut up or has a crisp packet on it.

Cost: I'll play for free.

Things I won't do: Go missing when we've gone 1-0 down.

Favourite word or phrase: Potential

Name: RedWilly

Age: 21

Position: Anywhere thats free

Unique skills: Will try to win the game, possibly by trying to score a goal.

Minutes: The full 90, altough I would understand being taken off after 75.

Cost: A new phone, and a big mac.

Things I won't do: Ignore the ball, after it get's played near me.

Favourite word or phrase: Good attitude.

Name: redkenny

Age: 32

Position: Left back

Unique skills: Nothing gets past me and I can pass a ball.

Minutes: 600 and 500 free texts

Things I won't do: Dogging, spit at the crowd, try to bag off with a female secretary at the club

Favourite word or phrase: Mustaffa Ganda

Name: Hell Safety (Nothing to do with Eden Hazard)

Age: 18

Position: Far away from Martin Skrtel, he scares me.

Unique skills: I'd give effort. Mr. Torres, that is E-F-F-O-R-T, esfuerzo

Minutes: Probably about 8, but Rafa would take me off after the 75th minute.

Cost: Same as the clipboard holder, that'd be fair I guess.

Things I won't do: Lift the trophy, I heard there heavy. Dive....without anyone near me. Get stretchered off because of, I dunno, broken leg.

Favourite word or phrase: Passion

Deja que te ayude, Rafa!

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: ReDLFCBlood  (won't save you any money on printing my name)

Age: 32

Position: Reverse Cowboy/Central Midfield

Unique skills: I can set fire to my farts and I Can pass "Forwards & Along the floor" to players with same coloured shirt on as me.

Minutes: I can go all night full of vodka & redbull (ask the other half)

Cost: 200 tabs a week

Things I won't do: Beat Ulrika ka ka in public, beat up DJ's when I'm out on the piss, Wear the birds thong under my shorts (honest)

Favourite word or phrase: I'd F**k a hole in a barbers floor if it had round it, Don't confuse me with John Terry even he has standards.

Name: Dmasta

Age: 18

Position: Left Midfield

Unique skills: Score of 800+ on Mumu

Minutes: Currently about 30 mins but given a couple of weeks training I could triple that

Cost: 50 pence or AU$7 million

Things I won't do: Have extra marital affairs with a pillow

Favourite word or phrase: Your mum

Name: Arve

Age: 27 (at my prime!)

Position: Alonso position

Unique skills: Alonsoesque passes and tracking back.

Minutes: 72nd substitute Rafa's style and substituted after 8minutes or could play the whole of stoppage time.

Cost: Shake hand with Torres at the end of each match.

Things I won't do: tweet about not playing enough, sulk, dive, leave a beach ball on my penalty area when I could kick it out.

Favourite word or phrase: As Premier League champs, ....

Name:shabs

Age: Available on request

Position: Striker

Unique skills: Finding the back of the net

Minutes: 25

Cost: coaching role

Things i won't do: Sleep with your missus

Favourite word or phrase: Options

Name: Ross Adamson

Age: 18

Position: Box to box midfielder / utility man

Unique Skills: My 6'5 slender frame is pretty God damn useful

Minutes: Around 60

Cost: Hook-up with LP

Things I won't do: Moan at team-mates, give up, roll around on the floor

Favourite word or phrase: "Stay good, be cool, make some juice and relax"

Name: Singh

Age: 25

Position: CM, RB

Unique skills: Self-motivated

Minutes: 30mins - I will be your Supersub

Cost: Free

Things I won't do: Negative Attitude

Favourite word or phrase: Important

Name: Crzy

Age: 19

Position: Behind the striker (Preferably Torres)

Unique skills: Sneaking into the hole

Minutes: A very powerful 5, but can last the whole game.

Cost: Free if there's a takeover...

Things I won't do: Become flaccid

Favourite word or phrase: It's not over...

Name: Christ

Age: 27

Position: Attacking Midfielder

Unique Skills: Ability to pick out a pass

Minutes: I last 90 on a sunday but blow out of my arse at 60

Cost: My only ask is you let me play with my heart

Things I won't do: Give up

Favourite word or Phrase: Impossible is nothing

Name: Jonny C

Age: 18

Position: Full back

Unique skills: Ability to stop opposing wingers from running straight past me...will also pass the ball forwards

Minutes: I could do 90

Cost: A season ticket in block 304

Things I won't do: Be sh*te. Manage to turn into a completely different player after half time.

Favourite word or phrase: F***ing get forward and SHOOT!

Name: Pete

Age: 19

Position: Defender

Unique Skills: Can and will hack people to the ground

Minutes: At 110% - about 5

Cost: I'll be whatever cost you want dear Rafa

Thigngs I won't do: Win games for the team - an improvement on the current side though!

Favourite word or phrase: Horse sh*t - or 'Rafa that was horse sh*t out there! Sort us men out!'

Name: Ross Adamson

Age: 18

Position: Box to box midfielder / utility man

Unique Skills: My 6'5 slender frame is pretty God damn useful

Minutes: Around 60

Cost: Hook-up with LP

Things I won't do: Moan at team-mates, give up, roll around on the floor

Favourite word or phrase: "Stay good, be cool, make some juice and relax"

Thanks, Ross. I just spit food all over the macbook.

Name: aussie

Age: 38 but look 20

Position: RW

Unique skills: Roll a good spliff.

Minutes: 10 minutes

Cost: Flight over from Australia

Things I won't do: Trod on ball, not miss passing the ball to a person wearing the same colored top as me, pass sideways or backwards or 2 feet.

Favourite word or phrase: Nando how does your head feel after that bullet cross I placed on your head, AGAIN.

Name: Paul

Age: 20

Position: Anywhere but left back

Unique Skills: I'm f**king great

Cost: Nevermind that, I'll stick 20 quid into getting a new winger to get some crosses in for me and Nando next season

Minutes: Ten. But we'll be three goals up by then so you can take me off for Villa or Aguero or another nobody we have next season

Things I won't do: Shag any of your wifes/girlfriends  

Favourite word or phrase: Twattybollocks

Name: Seba!

Age: 30 and counting..

Position: midfielder and second striker..

Unique Skills: good one touch pass and get in definition!!

Minutes: what the match requires.. but please don't smell me...

Cost: for the pride of the Red shirt I'll do it for free everytime

Things I won't do: moan about everything and disrespect my team

Favourite word or phrase: 'I thought that you ...'

Unique skills: Roll a good spliff.

Ya mon!!