Gis a game!

I'm working on it    Masseuse or Tea Lady maybe 

hmmmmmm ...I'm sure you wouldn't mind being Nando's masseuse (yum! ) . I think he'd play better ! 

Name: Mad Scouser

Age: 37 (the old wise head)

Position: Holding midfielder (think Molby before he got to the pie drawer)

Unique Skills: Can swear in more than one langauge

Minutes: Depends if I can bring my inhaler on the pitch

Cost: Season ticket renewal and one for my son when he's old enough. Might need an oxygen tank as well.

Things I won't do: Wear a manc shirt, support the mancs, play worse than Babel. Or Djmi.

Favourite word or phrase: Babel couldn't score in a brothel

Name:  Debs

Age: 50

Position: Touchline/dugout/changing room

Unique skills: Can shout really loudly

Minutes: all day/night both if necessary

Cost: helping players in and out of bath/shower

Things I won't do: be quiet

Favourite word or phrase: everything is possible

Position: Touchline/dugout/changing room

Cost: helping players in and out of bath/shower

   

Coming out the closet are you mate? 

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: LondonRed

Age: 37

Position:  (Super?) Sub

Unique skills: laughing out loud whilst attempting the impossible

Minutes: 20 max

Cost: Taxi fare home...body will be aching too much to walk

Things I won't do: Suck my thumb when I score

Favourite word or phrase: 'ave itt!

   

Coming out the closet are you mate? 

No point being shy with all those hunky guys around 

Name: Brian

Age: 31

Position: Goal but Pepes ok so Ill do that Alonso role that apparently is what were missing!!

Unique skills: I actually have this mad ability to pass to a team mate.

Minutes: id do the 90 by operating in the centre circle for most of it

Cost: I'll play for free but will want putting up for the weekend in Liverpool and most of me ale bought for me

Things I won't do: but on a " Idont want to be here" face when things are going bad

Favourite word or phrase: go and ask me boll**

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: RacerX(Imagine the shirt sales)

Age: 30

Position: Deep Lying Playmaker

Unique skills: Love a crunching tackle ( ooh err ) and long diagonal passes that find my team mates.

Minutes: 97mins

Cost: Large whiskey and coke and a night out on the town afterwards

Things I won't do: Alcopops. Roll around on the ground after a tackle

Favourite word or phrase: Yes I do think I am an undervalued member of the current playing staff... oh wait..
                                     I mean... Babel get your f**king finger out
[/quote]

   

Coming out the closet are you mate? 

Red 'Debs' is a female mate. 

Some comedy ones in here!

Red 'Debs' is a female mate. 

Some comedy ones in here!

Thanks for saving my blushes Kenny.

Name: Matt but I'll use my Greek name, Mattmcgpapadopolous, just to be awkward.

Age: 21, wii fitness age of about 51.

Position: Attacking, defensive minded centre forward on the wing.

Unique skills: I can do loads of keepy uppy's, and play the tin whistle - half time entertainment.

Minutes: Perhaps 30, if I feign injury to take a breather.

Cost: A packet of Bikers and a packet of Rollers.

Things I won't do: Won't release my autobiography until my playing career is over.

Favourite word or phrase: I love lamp.

Red 'Debs' is a female mate. 

You'll be a great addition to the squad. Good defensive tackle...good looking out!

On the other hand...

Name:  Debs

Unique skills: Can shout really loudly

 

How loud? And at 50, will you still be able to grind out results?

Name: BOS

Age: 24

Position: Right winger

Unique Skills: quicker and better first touch than current right winger

Minutes: 66 if im playing well, 90 mins if having a stinker(Benitez policy not mine)

Cost: free jersey each season

Things I won't do: run slower than Insua

Favourite word or phrase: where is your control Kuyt?

You'll be a great addition to the squad. Good defensive tackle...good looking out!

On the other hand...
 

How loud? And at 50, will you still be able to grind out results?

Scarily loud, so loud they won't dare not be winning at full time.

Name: Kevinho (in a pinch I will try to convince Rafa I'm brazilian so I can take Lucas' place)

Age: 24 (but I'm really 20 on the Dominican Republic calendar)

Position: Central Mid, or holding the referees' ears when Torres is talking

Unique Skills: I have to poop before every match, so I'll get my stinker out early

Minutes: 45 minutes as a central mid, the other 45 as an aerial target once we stop having Midfielders

Cost: All I ask is Fellaini's address so I can shave that god awful afro

Things I won't do: foul someone just outside of the box like Mr. Lucas

Favourite word or phrase: Are you sure you're Brazilian? Prove it.

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: bad

Age: 49

Position: RW or LW

Unique skills: a) My bowels move faster than Insua & b) I've passed Kidney Stones further than Lucas has passed a ball.

Minutes: 8 (ish)

Cost: Chicken Bhuna, Naan & Pilau Rice

Things I won't do: Suck vomit through a sweaty sock (again)

Favourite word or phrase:  "Sweating like a Gerbil in a Gay Bar."

Name               The Gern.
Age                         Too old
Position                    Centre Mid.
Unique Skills.             Solid Tackleing/ Forward Passing.
Minutes.                   15  Running  10 Jogging  5 strolling.
Cost                        Anything offered and a half time cuppa
Thing I won't do.        Pull out of tackles. 
Favourit word or phrase.  Get up you whinging b***ard, it's only a broken leg.

Loving the responses so far.

Rafa's going to have a busy weekend sifting through all the talent available in this thread.

Giz a game Rafa
-I don't suffer the same colour blind condition effecting a lot of the squad
-I can pass a ball forward
-I'll wear my boots on the right feet obviously this is the reason Kuyt couldn't trap a bag of cement and finds the opposition more than his team mates
- I'll make Rafa better tea or whatever the F**k Insua Lucas and Kuyt make him during the week to get in the team.
-I'll play shi**er than any player so as to be kept on for the 90 minutes, constantly tripping over the ball finding touch with my passes, trapping the ball further than I can kick it and if all else fails get it back to Carragher so he can see can he clear the ground with one of his long passes

 

Name:  Yank

Age: 38

Position: Bench.  Not into the whole running for 90+ minutes thing. So…the bench.  Perfect. Just give me one of those oversized puffy jackets and a water bottle and I’ll be set.

Unique skills: Cool Adamantium claws come out of my knuckles when I’m angry. 

Downfalls: American. Sorry for that whole George Bush thing…. If it makes a difference I never voted for him.

Cost: negotiable. I am a Yank so I will need some health insurance and free doctor stuff. Plus, a cool old Mini like Mr. Bean drove.

Things I won't do: Call my teammates “Tossers”.  Because, actually  I don’t even know what that word means.   When sitting on the bench I wont constantly ask Aquilani  “ What are you doing”?  I wont fake a penalty and fall down like I was shot with a rifle, only because I’m on the bench and that might look weird. Unless I actually was shot with a rifle in that case I would need the free medical stuff you have in England.

Favourite word or phrase:  c**t.  It seems to be used a lot in England. It really adds to a conversation when you call someone a “c**t”. Love it.

If it makes a difference I never voted for him.

You might be an American but you've got the sarcasm of a scouser.

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: Daz

Age: 21

Position: Midfield

Unique skills: kicking the living sh*t out of the opposition without the ref seeing, and passing to a fellow red

Minutes: however long the match is

Cost: Free...and unopposed access to H&G's office with a Machete in my hands

Things I won't do: Give up

Favourite word or phrase: Man the f*ck up you soft sh*te!!!

Come on ladies I can't believe I'm the only female to have done this.