"The Chosen One" gets used to life with Everton FC after the Tesco deal
‘Canna have a price on a packet of peas?’ shouts Everton manager, "The Chosen One", to his midfield star and shelf-stacker, Phil Neville, as the three to five shift draws to an end in the Everton branch of Tesco. For the fourth time in the hour, the manager is complaining that the barcodes are failing to scan on the tills installed in Everton’s new multimillion pound stadium and hypermarket. For Moyes, it’s just another day with ‘the toffees’, as the locals like to call their team, but life in a new home is proving more than a little sticky.
Fans are equally unimpressed. One keen Everton supporter had queued for an hour to buy twelve bottles of White Lightening Cyder. ‘Terrible service,’ he says as Moyes struggles to get his till open. ‘You expect this from some of those teams that has just come up from mini mart status but this is the Everton Tesco we’re talking about. Our midfield is full of quality vegetables.’
As another tiring weeks comes to an end, Moyes admits that he’s been finding it hard to run a football team and do shifts on the checkout. ‘I can never get the damn machines to work,’ he admits. ‘Sometimes I wish we just had a little more money and better facilities such as a hand scanner and a set of those digital scales.’
Moments later, Neville returns without the price of peas but with the price for half a pound of fresh tuna. Moyes looks tired and dispirited. ‘I’m looking forward to strengthening the team in January,’ he says. ‘I’ve got a couple of solid players I’m hoping to lure from the local Sainsburys. Their names are Doris and Brenda. Asda are also after them but I’ve got an advantage since I’ll be promising them plenty of chance to play up front with Andy Johnson.
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