Another game, another injury, the future's looking grim for a certain Fabio Borini. After being likened to Philip Degen for his frailty it is now in no doubt that he is even weaker than Degen himself.
But alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel for Borini as it seems it wasn't the landing or the collission with Kyle Bartley that caused the injury yesterday but somebody who shouldn't have been on the pitch at all. (Billy Bluebottle - Suspect is the one at the rear, not the one getting it in the rear)
Step forward Billy Bluebottle, what has he got to do with this i hear you ask?. Well, Mr. Borini claims that Billy flew into his shoulder while he was going down, which caused the shoulder injury. Borini is now using www.claims4negligence.co.uk
as he looks to claim compensation from Billy Bluebottle due to gross negligence.
Billy has claimed that he knew nothing of the accidental collision and was merely flying about looking for chicken sh*t to feed on. After speaking to Liverpool Football Club's Head Groundsman Terry Forsyth it was confirmed that the new bio fertilizers do contain 25-30% chicken sh*t and sometimes it doesn't always dilute purely and can leave chicken sh*t gravy granules on top of the grass if not watered.
Billy has apologised for the collision if it did indeed occur, but he states categorically that he felt nothing at all so he doesn't see how it could be his fault. Billy stated, " I was just flying around looking for some dried chicken sh*t and i saw a piece so i went for it, at no point did i feel any contact with anyone. I have put a bit of weight on recently, i'm up to 12 micrograms now so maybe my love handles cushioned the blow, i can't say for sure. I've been coming to Anfield for 8 days now and i like it here, i'll die in the next 16 to 17 days so i'd like to be allowed to feed here until then."
As Billy is not officially an employee of Liverpool Football Club there are a few grey areas to explore. Borini may have to take him to a Civil Court unless he can reach an out of court settlement with Billy before it goes to trial. Also, upon examining the live match footage there are clearly 2 flies in the vicinity when the collision occurs. There is also the life span of the fly to take into consideration, they live between 10 - 25 days on average.(Harry Housefly - Suspect No. 2)
The other suspect found in the live match footage is Billy's best mate, Harry Housefly. He was unavailable for comment and is believed to have fled the city amid fears of retribution from local SWAT teams. His wife Tina Tsetse Fly had this to say. "He came home after the game yesterday and told me he was leaving. There was a half eaten pigeon turd on the pavement and he didn't even sniff it. He loves pigeon sh*t, so when he passed that up i knew there was something going on. He told me he had to get out of town. He didn't even say goodbye to the larvae, the selfish c**t."
Borini will be looking to settle this quickly but Billy said he'll take it all the way. "I'm dead in 17 days time so i'll go for an adjournment or claim insanity, he'll get f**k all out of me. I live for approximately 25 days, who the f**k is going to give me a job?, i doubt i'd even qualify for part time work either, he can f**king whistle for it. All i've got to my name is an old stainless steel toilet seat at the Recycling Centre in Bootle, he can have that when i'm gone and be f**king grateful for it."
An independent medical specialist said it could be a very serious injury to Fabio. "The average weight of a fly is 12 micrograms but it's the speed that the fly was travelling at that will determine whether this is going to be bruising, fracture or clean break. We have analysed Fabio's skeletal data and have calculated that if the speed of the fly was greater than 1 mph it will be severe bruising, 2 mph will be hairline fracture and over 2.5 mph will definitely result in a clean break. We know that Billy and Harry have a top speed of 4.5 mph so it all depends how eager they were to get at that chicken sh*t."
Dr Bollockski then went on to add this, "Collision data is so hard to prove in a court of law, we can't be exact or definitive, we can only calculate the probability. We will be using modern technology to calculate both the speed of Fabio and the fly when the collision occurred. We had a similar problem when Philip Degen broke his metatarsal bone in a collision with a corner flag at Melwood. We couldn't produce enough definitive proof so the CPS dropped the assault charge against the corner flag due to insufficient evidence. If i was Fabio i'd take the out of court settlement, stainless steel toilet seats are back in vogue."
Latest news in is that Harry and Billy have been taking part in brutal underground illegal tag team wrestling matches which will only fuel the latest rumours that this was a vicious tag team assault and premeditated. If you see Harry then the police have warned members of the public not to approach him, he could be extremely violent. Phone your local police station and they will dispatch a SWAT team to your house. It is still unclear whether Borini had any previous dealings with Harry and Billy, who have strong family links to the underground drug world. Click Here For Full Uncut Article