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      The Onion's guide to World Cup teams

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      The Onion's guide to World Cup teams
      Jun 11, 2014 10:04:13 pm
      World Cup Teams To Watch

      With the 2014 World Cup about to kick off in Brazil, Onion Sports breaks down the 11 teams to watch during the tournament.

      Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment

      Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance

      Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s

      World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries

      Official Team Suffix: “-inho”

      Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks

      Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches

      Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm

      Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman

      Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length

      Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium

      Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel

      Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach

      Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47

      Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group

      Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team

      Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball

      Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659

      Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan

      Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster

      Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it

      Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer

      Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries

      Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling

      Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking

      David Beckham: Nope

      Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney

      Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”

      Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage

      Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations

      Roster: 23 assholes

      Formation: Whatever feels right

      Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever

      Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time

      Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams

      Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages

      Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best

      Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring

      Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue

      Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call

      Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS

      Lionel: Messi

      Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke

      Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the f**k out

      Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal

      Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes

      Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English

      Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose

      Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now

      Playing Style: Losing

      FIFA World Ranking: 14

      Actual World Ranking: 37

      Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match

      Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks

      Also Known As: The blue team

      Boring As F**k: Yup

      Gesturing Style: Animated

      Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands

      Chances Your Friend Will Break Out His Italy Jersey From 10 Years Ago And Suddenly Act Like He Knows About Soccer: Incredibly high

      Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts

      Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest

      Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys

      Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil

      World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament,36253/

      As you'd expect, a not so serious article from The Onion. Seemingly for the average American that doesn't know a lot about football, but funny nonetheless. Loved the Ghana one especially.
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      Re: The Onion's guide to World Cup teams
      Reply #1: Jun 11, 2014 10:12:57 pm
      :lmao: Love The Onion

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      Re: The Onion's guide to World Cup teams
      Reply #2: Jun 12, 2014 12:49:38 pm

      'Ronaldo, 10 other guys.'

      Not too far from the truth!

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