With the 2014 World Cup about to kick off in Brazil, Onion Sports breaks down the 11 teams to watch during the tournament.
BRAZILStrength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment
Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of teamâs performance
Roster: Contains a record seven âNext Peleâs
World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries
Official Team Suffix: â-inhoâ
THE NETHERLANDSStrength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks
Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches
Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm
Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman
Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for playersâ names over 3,000 pages in length
GERMANYStrength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium
Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel
Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach
Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47
Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group
Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team
SPAINStrengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball
Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659
Conjugation: yo Españo; tĂș Españas; Ă©l/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españåis; ellos/ellas Españan
Average Age Of Team: Sum of every playerâs age divided by number of players on roster
Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it
Fun Fact: 23-man team currently countryâs biggest employer
ENGLANDStrength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries
Weakness: Insists on âWourld Cupâ spelling
Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking
David Beckham: Nope
Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney
Most Famous Fan Chant: âEn-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, Itâs Only A Gameâ
FRANCEStrengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage
Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations
Roster: 23 assholes
Formation: Whatever feels right
Players Youâll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever
Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
GHANAStrength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams
Weakness: Crippling survivorâs guilt during knockout stages
Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best
Every Playerâs Backstory: Inspiring
Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue
ARGENTINAStrengths: Has a player youâve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call
Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS
Lionel: Messi
Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke
Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the F**k out
Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into Englandâs goal
UNITED STATESStrength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes
Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English
Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who wonât murder them if they lose
Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now
Playing Style: Losing
FIFA World Ranking: 14
Actual World Ranking: 37
ITALYStrengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match
Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks
Also Known As: The blue team
Boring As F**k: Yup
Gesturing Style: Animated
Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands
Chances Your Friend Will Break Out His Italy Jersey From 10 Years Ago And Suddenly Act Like He Knows About Soccer: Incredibly high
PORTUGALStrength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts
Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest
Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys
Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil
World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament
As you'd expect, a not so serious article from The Onion. Seemingly for the average American that doesn't know a lot about football, but funny nonetheless. Loved the Ghana one especially.
