People tell me it gets easier over time but it doesn’t feel that way, feels like it’s getting worse. The more time goes on the more I’m blaming myself. I feel stuck in a hole of depression and there’s no way out.
I’m desperate to get her back, the brief times we’ve spoken or seen each other I have had to put on a brave face. I have no chance if I’m begging and pleading with her, trying to convince her. I’m trying to change myself for the better but it’s easier said than done when every second of the day is my mind torturing me.
We messaged a bit but she was making it clear she didn’t want to and a week or so ago she ripped me to pieces saying her mind is made up, we won’t get through it, her feelings have changed etc and all I was replying with was questions to try and understand where it went wrong. I still don’t know but I do blame myself for things I said in the build up to it which upon reflection, were unnecessary and were probably the tipping point for any doubts she had. She was saying how low she felt in life and lost and I ignored it with my own stresses, became overwhelmed and wrongly aimed it at her.
The thought of her moving on and being with someone else sooner or later, someone else making her happy, having their hands on her, making her smile etc rips me apart.
I don’t really use my phone now; I’m doing a no contact period with her, one of my best mates said it might give her the chance to miss me so if I don’t have my phone on me, it takes away the temptation to just quickly message her.
But I’m not confident, it’s just going to make it easier for her to get over me and she’s already once said that she’s doing ok without me. But, what have I got to lose at this point? She’s already left me.
I just pray that after a period of no contact, it gives us both chance to heal and we are able to reconnect but I have about 0.5% confidence in that happening - she’ll probably just tell me she’s speaking to someone else by that point.
I feel trapped in a hole of unhappiness with constant fear and there’s not even a glimmer of light.
Sorry once again that I’ve still not gotten back to the messages from people, I will do so, I just can’t be using my phone much at the moment.