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      Hopeless or heartless?

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      ruthcity
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      Hopeless or heartless?
      Mar 06, 2019 10:26:21 am
      Dear fellow fans,

      I need some opinion from you. Feel free to opine on this situation. Judge would be too strong a word.

      Please give your opinion about my friend
      Prologue - Background about my friend

      1) My friend is overly ambitious of his kid and he believes being excellent academically for his child is the only way to make himself a very proud and happy parent.

      2) His high expectations of his little one is nothing short of coming in first in his entire academic standard. Any other ranking is unacceptable and will not do. He would make sure his own child pay for not achieving his desired outcome, including verbal abuse.

      The child is quite a good student academically

      3) The child used to top his school when he was small but fell behind the top student by a small bit after that. Due to my friend's extreme pride, those were the worst years for him, as other parents would troll him for his child's weak results. His neighbour rubbed it in as well. And best of all? That neighbour's kid himself was, and still is, worse than hopeless. Eating humble pie destroyed his pride entirely.

      4) In recent years, his child started to do better academically. But my friend's expectations of the child grew even more ambitious to the point that the kid is expected to nail every single test question in style, let alone getting the answers correct. A best guess, lucky correct answer would be highlighted as not good enough and unacceptable for my friend. He would be onto his child over every sign of weakness. He'd grow impatient on the boy over the smallest mistakes. Needless to say, my friend is NEVER happy with his child, due the boy's imperfections. I have never seen him praise the boy or celebrate the boy's little successes or small progress he makes academically, because my friend is too perfectionist and outcome focused.

      So much pride at stake

      5) He takes issue with the teachers' errors too, who would sometimes chalk off points for correct answers and award points to his classmates for answering questions wrongly. He never liked his boy to score lower than any of his schoolmates. As such, he is never ever happy with the teachers. Losing out to classmates is never an option with so much of his pride at stake.

      6) He hired one of the best tutors in the region to tutor his child. Half the time, he would flare up and demean the tutor when the test results are not perfect. He has time and again told me that this tutor is not good enough and has been thinking letting him go from the moment he hired the tutor. In truth, I have seen the tutor help the boy progress.  In this upcoming final exams, the boy has a good chance of even topping his entire cohort this year. Maybe the tutor is still performing below my friend's expectations.

      The no nonsense disciplined parent

      7) My friend is very proud of himself as a strict, no nonsense parent and believes that his child is so disciplined academically that he himself is the envy of all other parents. That also meant that he is never satisfied with is own child, because he meant it well for the boy. My friend is only happy when the boy obtains a perfect score for his tests and nails every question in style. Only then, his ego and hunger for the kid's success is stoked well and good. The next imperfect moment in the next test would spell hell and more abuse for the poor kid.

      8) These days, my friend's temper has gotten worse. He looks grumpy and bitter because the final exams are near and the boy has shown signs of losing out to his classmates. The poor boy gets critised and pushed so hard to study everyday that I see the boy getting mentally destroyed. No wonder he hasn't been concentrating, sleeping and eating well. His dad doesn't care about these things. Only results matter!!!

      What happened last night

      9) Last night, my friend told me that his anxiety has gotten so much to him that he started to believe that his child is never good enough. The verbal abuse he gave to the boy when things go wrong and the negative labels he placed on his own child led him to truly believe that his child is rubbish.

      10) In his rebellion, the boy challenged my friend to disown him and take his classmate - whom my friend thinks would do better at the final exams - as his own son instead. The boy also hit back by saying that my friend never loved him as a son, but was made to be a tool of his father's pride. My friend responded by telling his son that he is so rubbish that he doesn't see his son becoming the top student in this year's final exams. Issuing challenges, reverse motivation, disciplined and no nonsense approach is my friend's style. Come on boy, prove to your dad that you're not rubbish.

      Why do I have this kind of friend?

      11) My friend confided in me and told me he kind of written his kid off and was prepared to let his kid walk alone leading up to his final exams. But if his son makes the top student, he would re-appear to celebrate with his son and love him back. It would be against the odds, because one parent is a bookmaker, and the other parents are placing bets that my friend's son would not make top student this year.

      Why is my friend so hard on his own son?

      12) Make no mistake. They boy is way better than most of his peers. Just terrible and rubbish by his father's standards, as the expectation is to nail all the questions in style every single time. My friend is not perfect himself. Yet he sets expectations like sky's the limit. He has made loads of mistakes over his lifetime yet expects his son to be God like.

      How should I respond to my friend?

      13) It appears having the perfect student in his child is the only and ultimate goal in his life, when at the end of the day, it's just studies and results. There's more to life than getting upset and moaning every single day. In fact, I'm getting tired of hearing him moan everyday - "The child could have attained this or that score" in whichever test that has well and truly past. "Everybody is useless" except my friend himself. "We need to change this, that and everything (especially the tutor)" for the better. I've had enough hearing these things!

      Epilogue

      14) As we lead up to the boy's final exams, my friend has become more and more anxious, upset and unforgiving for his son's past mistakes. I see fear, anger and bitterness are eating his heart out. I know there's a lot at stake for my friend. But is this all necessary, and at the end of the day, emotionally worth it as a person (or parent for my friend's case)? No wonder some kids commit suicide for achieving less than a perfect score... If the kid fails badly in his final exams, I'd probably go on to say that my friend probably played a key part in his son's failure. 

      Friends, if you have any opinion, feel free to air - as a third person, a parent, a child, a student, another ordinary person on the Kop, or even a reader reading about my poor friend. I'd like to know how you feel after reading this.
      « Last Edit: Mar 06, 2019 11:56:28 am by racerx34 »
      higgy_sham
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #1: Mar 06, 2019 11:00:14 am
      Your friend sounds like a c**t in my opinion.
      Shabs
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #2: Mar 06, 2019 11:59:31 am
      Your friend sounds like a c**t in my opinion.

      Sounds..?

      Think your being polite Higgy..

      brezipool
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #3: Mar 06, 2019 01:11:16 pm
      Your friend sounds like a c**t in my opinion.

      About sums it up aye.
      The Real Donavan Ried
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #4: Mar 06, 2019 03:31:59 pm
      It is only natural to want what is best for your kids, and to want them to achieve better than you have, but what he/she needs to understand is not every child is academically gifted.

      His or her talents my lay elsewhere. It could be sports, they may be hands on, bricklaying, plastering. It may be in patient care, Police of fire fighter. Not all are well paid, although some bricks are earning £200-£300 per day.

      Your friend needs to sit down with his kid and find what it is the kid wants to do, and support them in that decision...
      Kids don't always know what it is they want to become until their late teens, but as long as they put the work in then they can still achieve it   
      David Wright
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #5: Mar 06, 2019 04:40:27 pm
      The more pressure your friend puts on his son, the less likely he is to achieve his goal. Every person has own level of ability, in whatever career they choose to take. Quite frankly I think that your friend sounds a very obnoxious person, who maybe heading for a major downfall in life, unless he changes his priorities.
      Magillionare
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #6: Mar 06, 2019 08:49:11 pm
      Feel sorry for the kid
      fckmediocrity
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #7: Mar 06, 2019 09:20:52 pm
      Coming from the kid in your story that's all grown up now your friend should be locked away and even though this may seem extreme to most growing up in this kind of environment is pure mental torture and will mess up your self esteem and future relationships.
      He'll grow up resenting his father and everything he stands up for including his academic values and the father will be the bitter old man regretting that he messed up his kid for a piece of paper; f**k him and also f**k those parents that live through their kids accomplishments.
      Billy1
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #8: Mar 06, 2019 09:21:26 pm
      The kid will probably leave home as soon as he is able,the kids father will probably die a lonely old man.You can help your kids and point them in the right direction but you cannot run their lives for them.
      brezipool
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #9: Mar 07, 2019 08:48:51 am
      My kids are top of their class, I only see them at weekends, the ex has never let me interact with the schools, even use her name at school (very annoying) but they been doing so well I've never felt the need to upset things.

      My ex and myself have never forced anything on them, just encourage them to do the best they can, and follow what they enjoy.

      To my surprise my daughter who has never been the one who seemed to enjoy school work as much as her brother has now disclosed she is perusing physics as a route for college & Uni. Im amazed and chuffed. ;-)

      Putting too much pressure on kids is the wrong way to go definitely, be there for them, when they need you and encourage them and support them.
      heimdall
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #10: Mar 07, 2019 10:08:14 am
      You have extremely poor taste in friends. My heart bleads for the poor kid who will grow up to be a very fu**ed up individual, drugs low self esteem etc, unless he has astonishing levels of self belief which it doesn't sound like he has.
      Him rebelling against his father is an encouraging sign though, you should encourage that as much as possible and take the kid's side, if the Dad wins this rebellion and crushes the Son's spirit he'll be lost, in fact they both will.

      "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
      Magillionare
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #11: Mar 07, 2019 07:23:10 pm
      My kids are top of their class, I only see them at weekends, the ex has never let me interact with the schools, even use her name at school (very annoying) but they been doing so well I've never felt the need to upset things.

      My ex and myself have never forced anything on them, just encourage them to do the best they can, and follow what they enjoy.

      To my surprise my daughter who has never been the one who seemed to enjoy school work as much as her brother has now disclosed she is perusing physics as a route for college & Uni. Im amazed and chuffed. ;-)

      Putting too much pressure on kids is the wrong way to go definitely, be there for them, when they need you and encourage them and support them.

      I'm not wanting to open a can of worms but I'm pretty sure it's illegal for her to not allow you to interact with schools. If you ask for duel correspondence you will get it and there's nothing legally she can do from my knowledge.
      Dadorious
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #12: Mar 07, 2019 07:40:35 pm
      Your mates a complete bellend. Tell him to lighten the f**k up and let the kid enjoy being just that a kid.
      RC9
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #13: Mar 07, 2019 08:01:31 pm
      If I was you I would speak to your friend first and be like, you need to take a step back and actually think about what the pressure your putting on your son could actually be doing to your relationship with him. Let him know your concerns maybe in his head he has normalized the behavior and hearing that he is in the wrong and could actually be harming his relationship with his son will be the moment where it clicks that he needs to lighten up.

      More importantly, maybe see if the kid is ok if you ever go to see him, ask how Schools going and if he seems stressed let him know, being the top student in class doesn't make or break you, there are numerous of successful individuals today who didn't even go to university, let alone be top of their class.

      It's a tough situation you're in but the situation that kid's in is a lot worse, so f**k your friends feelings and do what you deem to be right.
      brezipool
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #14: Mar 07, 2019 09:08:17 pm
      I'm not wanting to open a can of worms but I'm pretty sure it's illegal for her to not allow you to interact with schools. If you ask for duel correspondence you will get it and there's nothing legally she can do from my knowledge.

      I know. I can get it, actually went through lawyers etc years ago. I get report cards etc. And If I really pushed I could get more info from teachers and get to parents nights and such, but shes a sensitive soul, and her getting upset only upset my kids, so was not worth the hassle pushing for more school interaction, especially when kids are doing so great and happy.

      Its all good.
      Magillionare
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      Re: Hopeless or heartless?
      Reply #15: Mar 07, 2019 09:30:38 pm
      I know. I can get it, actually went through lawyers etc years ago. I get report cards etc. And If I really pushed I could get more info from teachers and get to parents nights and such, but shes a sensitive soul, and her getting upset only upset my kids, so was not worth the hassle pushing for more school interaction, especially when kids are doing so great and happy.

      Its all good.

      Fair enough mate, best not to rock the boat when it's going well.

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