apologies to Johnnowhite
As you say Aussie mate, no worries.
Heard 'em all anyway when it was told about Liverpool fans (in the Manc version !!)
'Cos I can't post yet here's one for yous....
Peter was over-worked and completely forgot about Valentine's day much to his wife's disgust (and his great regret)
"You're going to have to make amends and tomorrow morning I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in 6 seconds", she bellowed.
The next morning she opened the curtains and sure enough, there in the drive was a small box complete with a red bow. It was much smaller than she expected, but full of excitement she hauled herself downstairs and opened the box.
Inside was a new set of bathroom scales.
Peter expects to be eating solid food again within the next few days.
Subject: Airline Maintenance - Why Should We Tremble
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
The pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
Never Let it be said that Quantas ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
Marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is reassuring to note that Qantas is the only major airline
In the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-landing very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: No live bugs in stock.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing - after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and behave more seriously.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
Pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm horrible at jokes so keepem comin mates.
A 9 month pregnant Dublin girl calls her mother in a state bordering on desperate and says "Ma, me waters are after breaking. What'll I do?"
"Ah now steady girl" says her Ma. "Where are you ringing from?"
Came the reply...........
"From me snatch to me ankles."