Jokes Thread

not a joke but it was funny. I got arrested the other day for winding a pig up at 3oclock in the morning he asked what my name was.

(pig) where you going
(me) home why
(pig) dont be funny lad whats your name
(me) tom
(pig) tom what
(me) tom arto why like whats up
(pig) dont take the piss whats your name
(me) tom
(pig) tom what
(me) no tom arto not what
(pig) last chance funny c--t. whats your name
(me) ok its henry
(pig)  henry who
(me) vonstinkerhophphen

then he jumped on me like hulk hogan and started trying to wrestle me to the floor haha so funny took 4 of them and 2 tins of pepper spray  to get me in a van I was only winding him up.  he was like "The Chosen One" couldnt take a joke f***ing pig. anyway got done for breach of the peace  resisting arrest and failing to give my name to an officer of the law whats this country coming to was funny tho his face.

apologies to Johnnowhite


The latest questions out of the Manchester United edition of Trivial Pursuit.

You will have the advantage after reading these, prior to playing the
game.

The game is offered free to Manchester United supporters who can read,
production is currently at 6.


Q. Two Manchester United supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What does a Manchester United supporter use as a contraceptive?

A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Manchester United supporter?

A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Manchester United supporter in a suit?

A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Manchester United supporter cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Manchester United supporter in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Manchester United supporter on a bike, why
should you try not to hit him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Manchester United supporter quiz night?

A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Manchester United supporters in a car without any music - who is
driving?

A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Manchester United supporters going over a cliff in a Ford a
shame?

A. Because a Ford has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Manchester United supporter with a job?

A. Big Mac please.

Alcohol Honesty

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." 

well done eddiec, i like this post

apologies to Johnnowhite

As you say Aussie mate, no worries.
Heard 'em all anyway when it was told about Liverpool fans (in the Manc version !!)

'Cos I can't post yet here's one for yous....


Peter was over-worked and completely forgot about Valentine's day much to his wife's disgust (and his great regret)

"You're going to have to make amends and tomorrow morning I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in 6 seconds", she bellowed.

The next morning she opened the curtains and sure enough, there in the drive was a small box complete with a red bow. It was much smaller than she expected, but full of excitement she hauled herself downstairs and opened the box.











Inside was a new set of bathroom scales.

Peter expects to be eating solid food again within the next few days.
Subject: Airline Maintenance - Why Should We Tremble



After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
The pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.

Never Let it be said that Quantas ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
Marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is reassuring to note that Qantas is the only major airline
In the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-landing very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: No live bugs in stock.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent rate.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing - after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and behave more seriously.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
Pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm horrible at jokes so keepem comin mates.

A 9 month pregnant Dublin girl calls her mother in a state bordering on desperate and says "Ma, me waters are after breaking. What'll I do?"

"Ah now steady girl" says her Ma. "Where are you ringing from?"


Came the reply...........




















"From me snatch to me ankles."

Murphy calls to visit his mate Paddy who has a broken leg,
Paddy says to him ' me F'in feet are F'in freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
Murphy replies ' no bother mate ' and nips upstairs where he finds Paddy's 2 stunning 19 year old daughters.
Murphy says to them ' your Dad sent me up to have sex with you both'
' F' off you liar ' was the reply
' I'll prove it to you both ' Murphy replies and shouts down to Paddy ' Both of them Paddy ? '
Paddy shouts back ' Of caurse both of them, what's the use of F'in one of them !! 

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo

A fella walks in the pub with a dog and says £50 to anyone who can give my dog a command that it obeys.

A lad shouts "I'll have some of that. back in a minute."

He comes back in with a pound of best steak , throws it in front of the dog and says "Eat it."

Dog looks at his master who's looking away so the dog just ignores the steak. The owner picks up his winnings and repeats the same challenge.


Another guy says go on then mate but give us  2 minutes and I'll be back.
He comes back in with a scraggy cat and throws it at the dog and shouts "fetch it." Dog behaves exactly as he did the last time and looks at his master who just ignores everything going on.

With another £50 notes in his pocket, he's just about to leave when a voice shouts out "I'll have some of your money mate."
He looks round to see  a little old fella of about 70  sat in the corner near the fire.

"No Dad, don't want to take your money off yer - it wouldn't be right" says the dog's owner.

The old man says "Don't you be worrying about that,son" and slaps £50 on the table. OK says the dog-owner - don't say I never gave yer a chance.

The old fella walks over to the dog, picks it up, throws it on the fire and shouts "Gerroff!!!"

hahaha im wettin me keks at some of these!! im sh*te at jokes so now i can sound like the funny man with all my mates!

Man has problem with PC & calls the help line. this is the conversation that followed....

"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really! Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too F***ing stupid to own a computer!"

Not a joke but just as funny...

 This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
(The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  Your call.  :  

Two blondes walk into a building....you would have thought one of them would have noticed it.
terrible I know

Two blondes walk into a building....you would have thought one of them would have noticed it.


Sorry Tallfc, but that must the worsted  joke i have ever read, so in its own way, it funny.
Are ya havin' a Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this...   

In   a  hospital's  Intensive  Care  Unit,   patients  always  died  in  the  same   bed,  on  Sunday  morning,  at  about    11:00  a.m.,  regardless  of  their   medical  condition.
   

This   puzzled  the  doctors  and  some  even   thought  it  had  something  to  do   with  the  supernatural.   No  one   could  solve  the  mystery  as  to   why  the  deaths  occurred  around 11:00   a.m.  On  Sunday,  so  a  worldwide   team  of  experts  was  assembled  to   investigate  the  cause  of  the   incidents.
   

The   next  Sunday  morning,  a  few  minutes   before  11:00  a.m.  ,   all  of  the  doctors  and  nurses   nervously  waited  outside  the  ward   to  see  for  themselves  what  the   terrible  phenomenon  was  all  about.    Some  were  holding  wooden  crosses,   prayer  books,  and  other  holy   objects  to  ward  off  the  evil   spirits.
   

Just   when  the  clock  struck   11:00  ,   Pookie  Johnson,  the  part-time  Sunday   sweeper,  entered  the  ward  and   unplugged  the  life  support  system   so  he  could  use  the  vacuum   cleaner.
   

Having   a  Bad  Day?
 
The   average  cost  of  rehabilitating  a   seal  after  the  Exxon  Valdez  Oil   spill  in    Alaska  was  $ 80,000.00.    At  a  special  ceremony,  two   of  the  most  expensively  saved   animals  were  being  released  back   into  the  wild  amid  cheers  and   applause  from   onlookers.

A   minute  later,  in  full  view,  a   killer  whale  ate  them   both.
   

Still   think  you  are  having  a  Bad   Day?

A   woman  came  home  to  find  her   husband  in  the  kitchen  shaking   frantically,  almost  in  a  dancing   frenzy,  with  some  kind  of  wire   running  from  his  waist  towards  the   electric  kettle.   Intending  to  jolt   him  away  from  the  deadly  current,   she  whacked  him  with  a  handy   plank  of  wood,  breaking  his  arm   in  two  places.   Up  to  that   moment,  he  had  been  happily   listening  to  his  Walkman. 
   

STILL   think  you're  having  a  Bad   Day?
   

Two   animal  rights  defenders  were  protesting   the  cruelty  of  sending  pigs  to   a  slaughterhouse  in    Bonn ,     Germany .    Suddenly,  all  two  thousand  pigs   broke  loose  and  escaped  through  a   broken  fence,  stampeding  madly. 

The   two  helpless  protesters  were  trampled   to  death.
   

What??   STILL  having  a  Bad   Day?

Iraqi   terrorist  Khay  Rahnajet  didn't  pay   enough  postage  on  a  letter  bomb.    It  came  back  with  "Return  to   Sender"  stamped  on  it.   Forgetting   it  was  the  bomb,  he  opened   it  and  was  blown  to  bits. 
   
  There   now,  feeling  better? 

Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone." His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"

As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!"

a man is driving down a country lane when his car splutters to a halt. he gets out & opens up the hood. he has a look but not being much of a mechanic, he can't work out what the problem is. all of a sudden he hears a voice say "it's the carburetta, carburetta's fu**ed!" the man looks round but no one is in sight! all he can see is a white horse in the field! thinking he's hearing things, the man looks back to his engine. again the voice says " carburetta is full of sh*t, clean it out!" mystified, the man again looks round but only sees the white horse in the field. he checks out the carburetta & sure enough it is all blocked up with sh*t! he gives it a clean & the engine starts first time. disturbed by his experience, he speeds off & stops at the first villiage he comes across, runs into the pub & asks for a large brandy to settle his nerves. noticing his agitation, the barman asks if he's all right? the man recounts his story about the white horse. "ah" the barman replies, "you been lucky there! lucky it wasn't the black horse!" "why's that?" asks the man. the barman tells him "the black horse knows fu*k all about cars!"

I'm not a repository of jokes but yours are side-splitting ;-D

A man walks into a clock shop, sees a beautiful assistant and wanders over to her.

The man boldy unzips his trousers and gets his tackle out.

Horrifed the girl says "This is a clock shop not a cock shop!"

"I know," he replies, "Well get 2 hands and a face on this then...!"   

 

A friend of mine has been suffering with anorexia but I have given her the National Helpline number, it's 08080 121212, I repeat Oh ate nothing, ate nothing, want to, want to, want to.  :

Some day in the future: Alex Ferguson dies and comes to Heaven. (Dont ask me how that could happen, the story does not tell.) Well up there, he meet up with St. Peter in the entrance, the famous Pearly Gates, and St. Peter give him a warm welcome, 'Alexander, Alexander, great to finally see you! You're mostly awaited. Please come with me.' Ferguson, alittle dazed, not used to the friendly tone, follows St. Peter into Paradise. There St. Peter fetch an angel and tells it to escort Ferguson to where he's gonna stay. Obediently in company with the angel, "Fergie" walk the streets of Heaven, gazing at all the gold, silver and  marble. 'Know this must be a bit odd to you, all this golden stuff, but you'll get used to it,' the angel says gentle. They're walking on, passing houses and huge parks, castles and monuments. 'Here's where Elvis live,' the angel explain. 'And this is John Lennon's place.' And after passing several celebrities like Winston Churchill, Princess Di, Mother Theresa, William Shakespeare, all being nice smiling to Ferguson, they finally slow down. 'We're here,' the angel says. 'The sports quarters.' Looking around they see marvellous buildings, all in different colors and shapes. 'You're gonna live here, in the football region. Your closest neighbour is Matt Busby and we're hoping to see Arsene Wenger up here some day soon, we got a house ready for him. But check out yours.' Alex Ferguson looks at his home to be, he cant believe his eyes. It's a large mansion, red and white and a huge Manchester United flag out in the front court. 'T-t-thank you,' Ferguson says. 'Is all of this really mine?' 'All yours, mate. Feel like home,' the angel laughs and is about to leave. Then "Fergie" looks up, and not far away on this big cloud, he sees this great castle, no palace, also in red and white. There's gold and silver, diamonds around the portholes and in all of the posts around and from every tower on the building there's flags and banners waving in the wind, all saying LIVERPOOL FC. Ferguson gasps, he can hear "You'll never walk alone" coming out from one of the windows! 'What is this?!' He turns around to the angel. 'Why the hell has Rafa Benites a bigger house than me?!?' The angel looks at "Fergie", a bit confused. 'Benites?' he says. 'Thats not Benites' house. Thats God's house.'

WHY, WHY, WHY......

why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the battries are dead?

why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money ?

why do people believe you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say paint is wet?

why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

why does Superman stop bullets with his chest ,but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

why do Kamikaze pilots have helmets?

whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

if people evoled from apes,why are there still apes?

why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

why do people always return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

why do people keep running over string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,then reach down ,pick it up,examine it,put down again to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

how do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

when we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankles with a shopping trolley ,then apologizes for doing so,Why do we say "Its alright?"Well its not,so why dont we say "That hurt you stupid idiot?"

why is it when we try to stop something from falling off a table ,you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try keep the house as warm as it was in summer,when in summer all we did was complain about the heat?

how come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

AND THE BEST TILL LAST!


The stastistics on sanity are that one in four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness.....think of your three best friends ........if they are all ok....then its YOU

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man,

"Son, want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted,

"No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure."

The pension expert said that would be okay, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c0ck was missing.

He knew about the  fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a c0ck?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY c0ck?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

WHY, WHY, WHY......

why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the battries are dead?

why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money ?

why do people believe you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say paint is wet?

why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

why does Superman stop bullets with his chest ,but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

why do Kamikaze pilots have helmets?

whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

if people evoled from apes,why are there still apes?

why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

why do people always return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

why do people keep running over string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,then reach down ,pick it up,examine it,put down again to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

how do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

when we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankles with a shopping trolley ,then apologizes for doing so,Why do we say "Its alright?"Well its not,so why dont we say "That hurt you stupid idiot?"

why is it when we try to stop something from falling off a table ,you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try keep the house as warm as it was in summer,when in summer all we did was complain about the heat?

how come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

AND THE BEST TILL LAST!


The stastistics on sanity are that one in four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness.....think of your three best friends ........if they are all ok....then its YOU

on a similar note.....

why doesn't superglue stick to the inside of the tube?!

why do 24 hour garages have locks on the door?!

how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?!

if all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?!

why isn't the word 'phonetical' spelt phonetically?!

imagine a world with no hypothetical situations!

Hey guys and gals this is a JOKES thread not a science thread  Stick to the subject.... :

And hopefully returning back to the subject...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.'
He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'
I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "Have you got anything for wind?"
He said  "Yes" and gave me a kite.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

Best masturbation I ever had...
I was pounding away, sweat on my forehead, and then I came. Wonderful.
And then the man in the shop said,  'Are you going to buy that magazine?'

And finally, after 2 humiliating defeats to Arsenal:
Micheal Jackson was reported to have been interested in signing for Liverpool.
He said "The thought of being spanked at home by 11 kids was very tempting".

And with that I think the JOKES THREAD is back on track... lets keep it that way!

That's it the water molecules. I feel well stupid now

"Best masturbation I ever had...
I was pounding away, sweat on my forehead, and then I came. Wonderful.
And then the man in the shop said,  'Are you going to buy that magazine?'"

..Lovely!

"And finally, after 2 humiliating defeats to Arsenal:
Micheal Jackson was reported to have been interested in signing for Liverpool.
He said "The thought of being spanked at home by 11 kids was very tempting"

Everyone was loving this after those few days :'( *Aaargh* I got so much abuse!!

Heres a few oldies!!

John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

One day John got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you.... but the girl said "NO! "

John said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call .

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "HE USED COINS!!!"

Gary Neville walks into old trafford with a bag in his hand

security say, Gary whats in the bag

Gary replies a gun

security say thank god i thought you'd brought your boots for a minute
Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves desperate for a wee.
As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.
Thier task continued they continue to stagger home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her a*se that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!"