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      RedWilly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #30: Mar 16, 2007 06:20:39 pm
      hahaha im wettin me keks at some of these!! im sh*te at jokes so now i can sound like the funny man with all my mates!
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #31: Mar 16, 2007 08:48:26 pm
      Man has problem with PC & calls the help line. this is the conversation that followed....

      "Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"

      "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

      "What sort of trouble?"

      "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

      "Went away?"

      "They disappeared."

      "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

      "Nothing."

      "Nothing?"

      "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

      "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

      "How do I tell?"

      "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

      "What's a sea-prompt?"

      "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

      "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

      "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

      "What's a monitor?"

      "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

      "I don't know."

      "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

      ....."Yes, I think so."

      "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

      ....."Yes, it is."

      "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

      "No."

      "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

      ....."Okay, here it is."

      "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

      "I can't reach it."

      "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

      "No."

      "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

      "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

      "Dark?"

      "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

      "Well, turn on the office light then."

      "I can't."

      "No? Why not?"

      "Because there's a power outage."

      "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

      "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

      "Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

      "Really! Is it that bad?"

      "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

      "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

      "Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer!"
      RED1028
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #32: Mar 16, 2007 10:33:57 pm
      Not a joke but just as funny...

       This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
      (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

      Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

      Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

      Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

      Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

      Canadians:
      No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. :angry-smiley-034:

      Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.  >:(

      Canadians:
      This is a lighthouse.  Your call.  :o ::) :laugh:  :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014: :ernaehrung004:
      Tallfc
      • Forum Phil Thompson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #33: Mar 16, 2007 11:26:01 pm
      Two blondes walk into a building....you would have thought one of them would have noticed it.
      terrible I know :laugh:
      graham135uk
      • Forum Emlyn Hughes
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      • “Liverpool are magic. Everton are tragic.”
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #34: Mar 17, 2007 07:32:26 am

      Two blondes walk into a building....you would have thought one of them would have noticed it.


      Sorry Tallfc, but that must the worsted  joke i have ever read, so in its own way, it funny. ;D ;D ;D
      Are ya havin' a Bad Day?
      Well, then, consider this...   

      In   a  hospital's  Intensive  Care  Unit,   patients  always  died  in  the  same   bed,  on  Sunday  morning,  at  about    11:00  a.m.,  regardless  of  their   medical  condition.
         

      This   puzzled  the  doctors  and  some  even   thought  it  had  something  to  do   with  the  supernatural.   No  one   could  solve  the  mystery  as  to   why  the  deaths  occurred  around 11:00   a.m.  On  Sunday,  so  a  worldwide   team  of  experts  was  assembled  to   investigate  the  cause  of  the   incidents.
         

      The   next  Sunday  morning,  a  few  minutes   before  11:00  a.m.  ,   all  of  the  doctors  and  nurses   nervously  waited  outside  the  ward   to  see  for  themselves  what  the   terrible  phenomenon  was  all  about.    Some  were  holding  wooden  crosses,   prayer  books,  and  other  holy   objects  to  ward  off  the  evil   spirits.
         

      Just   when  the  clock  struck   11:00  ,   Pookie  Johnson,  the  part-time  Sunday   sweeper,  entered  the  ward  and   unplugged  the  life  support  system   so  he  could  use  the  vacuum   cleaner.
         

      Having   a  Bad  Day?
       
      The   average  cost  of  rehabilitating  a   seal  after  the  Exxon  Valdez  Oil   spill  in    Alaska  was  $ 80,000.00.    At  a  special  ceremony,  two   of  the  most  expensively  saved   animals  were  being  released  back   into  the  wild  amid  cheers  and   applause  from   onlookers.

      A   minute  later,  in  full  view,  a   killer  whale  ate  them   both.
         

      Still   think  you  are  having  a  Bad   Day?

      A   woman  came  home  to  find  her   husband  in  the  kitchen  shaking   frantically,  almost  in  a  dancing   frenzy,  with  some  kind  of  wire   running  from  his  waist  towards  the   electric  kettle.   Intending  to  jolt   him  away  from  the  deadly  current,   she  whacked  him  with  a  handy   plank  of  wood,  breaking  his  arm   in  two  places.   Up  to  that   moment,  he  had  been  happily   listening  to  his  Walkman. 
         

      STILL   think  you're  having  a  Bad   Day?
         

      Two   animal  rights  defenders  were  protesting   the  cruelty  of  sending  pigs  to   a  slaughterhouse  in    Bonn ,     Germany .    Suddenly,  all  two  thousand  pigs   broke  loose  and  escaped  through  a   broken  fence,  stampeding  madly. 

      The   two  helpless  protesters  were  trampled   to  death.
         

      What??   STILL  having  a  Bad   Day?

      Iraqi   terrorist  Khay  Rahnajet  didn't  pay   enough  postage  on  a  letter  bomb.    It  came  back  with  "Return  to   Sender"  stamped  on  it.   Forgetting   it  was  the  bomb,  he  opened   it  and  was  blown  to  bits. 
         
        There   now,  feeling  better? 
      Redandproud
      • On Trial

      • 4 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #35: Mar 17, 2007 10:49:31 am
      Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone." His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"

      As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!"
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
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      • 234 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #36: Mar 17, 2007 08:43:22 pm
      a man is driving down a country lane when his car splutters to a halt. he gets out & opens up the hood. he has a look but not being much of a mechanic, he can't work out what the problem is. all of a sudden he hears a voice say "it's the carburetta, carburetta's fu**ed!" the man looks round but no one is in sight! all he can see is a white horse in the field! thinking he's hearing things, the man looks back to his engine. again the voice says " carburetta is full of sh*t, clean it out!" mystified, the man again looks round but only sees the white horse in the field. he checks out the carburetta & sure enough it is all blocked up with sh*t! he gives it a clean & the engine starts first time. disturbed by his experience, he speeds off & stops at the first villiage he comes across, runs into the pub & asks for a large brandy to settle his nerves. noticing his agitation, the barman asks if he's all right? the man recounts his story about the white horse. "ah" the barman replies, "you been lucky there! lucky it wasn't the black horse!" "why's that?" asks the man. the barman tells him "the black horse knows fu*k all about cars!"
      « Last Edit: Mar 17, 2007 08:45:27 pm by banksiemagic »
      betterman
      • Forum Erik Meijer
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #37: Mar 18, 2007 12:01:07 pm
      I'm not a repository of jokes but yours are side-splitting ;-D
      RED1028
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      • 1,392 posts | 92 
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #38: Mar 18, 2007 05:09:44 pm
      A man walks into a clock shop, sees a beautiful assistant and wanders over to her.

      The man boldy unzips his trousers and gets his tackle out.

      Horrifed the girl says "This is a clock shop not a cock shop!"

      "I know," he replies, "Well get 2 hands and a face on this then...!"  :o  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

       :ernaehrung004: :food-smiley-005:

      A friend of mine has been suffering with anorexia but I have given her the National Helpline number, it's 08080 121212, I repeat Oh ate nothing, ate nothing, want to, want to, want to.  ::)
      « Last Edit: Mar 18, 2007 05:23:03 pm by RED1028 »
      Watt
      • Forum Ian Callaghan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #39: Mar 21, 2007 05:13:01 am
      Some day in the future: Alex Ferguson dies and comes to Heaven. (Dont ask me how that could happen, the story does not tell.) Well up there, he meet up with St. Peter in the entrance, the famous Pearly Gates, and St. Peter give him a warm welcome, 'Alexander, Alexander, great to finally see you! You're mostly awaited. Please come with me.' Ferguson, alittle dazed, not used to the friendly tone, follows St. Peter into Paradise. There St. Peter fetch an angel and tells it to escort Ferguson to where he's gonna stay. Obediently in company with the angel, "Fergie" walk the streets of Heaven, gazing at all the gold, silver and  marble. 'Know this must be a bit odd to you, all this golden stuff, but you'll get used to it,' the angel says gentle. They're walking on, passing houses and huge parks, castles and monuments. 'Here's where Elvis live,' the angel explain. 'And this is John Lennon's place.' And after passing several celebrities like Winston Churchill, Princess Di, Mother Theresa, William Shakespeare, all being nice smiling to Ferguson, they finally slow down. 'We're here,' the angel says. 'The sports quarters.' Looking around they see marvellous buildings, all in different colors and shapes. 'You're gonna live here, in the football region. Your closest neighbour is Matt Busby and we're hoping to see Arsene Wenger up here some day soon, we got a house ready for him. But check out yours.' Alex Ferguson looks at his home to be, he cant believe his eyes. It's a large mansion, red and white and a huge Manchester United flag out in the front court. 'T-t-thank you,' Ferguson says. 'Is all of this really mine?' 'All yours, mate. Feel like home,' the angel laughs and is about to leave. Then "Fergie" looks up, and not far away on this big cloud, he sees this great castle, no palace, also in red and white. There's gold and silver, diamonds around the portholes and in all of the posts around and from every tower on the building there's flags and banners waving in the wind, all saying LIVERPOOL FC. Ferguson gasps, he can hear "You'll never walk alone" coming out from one of the windows! 'What is this?!' He turns around to the angel. 'Why the hell has Rafa Benites a bigger house than me?!?' The angel looks at "Fergie", a bit confused. 'Benites?' he says. 'Thats not Benites' house. Thats God's house.'
      « Last Edit: Mar 21, 2007 05:17:20 am by Watt »
      Tallfc
      • Forum Phil Thompson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #40: Mar 21, 2007 10:31:00 am
      WHY, WHY, WHY......

      why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the battries are dead?

      why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money ?

      why do people believe you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say paint is wet?

      why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

      why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

      why does Superman stop bullets with his chest ,but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

      why do Kamikaze pilots have helmets?

      whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

      if people evoled from apes,why are there still apes?

      why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

      why do people always return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

      why do people keep running over string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,then reach down ,pick it up,examine it,put down again to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

      why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

      how do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

      when we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankles with a shopping trolley ,then apologizes for doing so,Why do we say "Its alright?"Well its not,so why dont we say "That hurt you stupid idiot?"

      why is it when we try to stop something from falling off a table ,you always manage to knock something else over?

      In winter why do we try keep the house as warm as it was in summer,when in summer all we did was complain about the heat?

      how come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

      AND THE BEST TILL LAST!


      The stastistics on sanity are that one in four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness.....think of your three best friends ........if they are all ok....then its YOU
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 5,557 posts | 233 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #41: Mar 21, 2007 01:27:25 pm
      The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

      They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

      The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

      The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

      The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man,

      "Son, want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."

      The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

      The Marine general insisted,

      "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure."

      The pension expert said that would be okay, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

      "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

      "Vietnam," the general replied.

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



      The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

      One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c0ck was missing.

      He knew about the  fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

      During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a c0ck?"

      All the men stood up.

      "No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?"

      All the women stood up.

      "No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"

      Half the women stood up !

      "No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY c0ck?"


      Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
      « Last Edit: Mar 21, 2007 01:31:07 pm by EddieC »
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
      • **

      • 234 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #42: Mar 21, 2007 08:41:59 pm
      WHY, WHY, WHY......

      why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the battries are dead?

      why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money ?

      why do people believe you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say paint is wet?

      why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

      why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

      why does Superman stop bullets with his chest ,but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

      why do Kamikaze pilots have helmets?

      whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

      if people evoled from apes,why are there still apes?

      why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

      why do people always return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

      why do people keep running over string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,then reach down ,pick it up,examine it,put down again to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

      why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

      how do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

      when we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankles with a shopping trolley ,then apologizes for doing so,Why do we say "Its alright?"Well its not,so why dont we say "That hurt you stupid idiot?"

      why is it when we try to stop something from falling off a table ,you always manage to knock something else over?

      In winter why do we try keep the house as warm as it was in summer,when in summer all we did was complain about the heat?

      how come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

      AND THE BEST TILL LAST!


      The stastistics on sanity are that one in four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness.....think of your three best friends ........if they are all ok....then its YOU


      on a similar note.....

      why doesn't superglue stick to the inside of the tube?!

      why do 24 hour garages have locks on the door?!

      how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?!

      if all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?!

      why isn't the word 'phonetical' spelt phonetically?!

      imagine a world with no hypothetical situations!

      « Last Edit: Mar 21, 2007 08:43:39 pm by banksiemagic »
      RED1028
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #43: Mar 22, 2007 06:22:36 pm
      Hey guys and gals this is a JOKES thread not a science thread  :( Stick to the subject.... ::)

      And hopefully returning back to the subject...

      Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
      Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

      I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
      I said "Are you two an item?".

      I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.'
      He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'
      I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

      Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

      When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

      I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
      From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

      I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "Have you got anything for wind?"
      He said  "Yes" and gave me a kite.

      I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
      I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

      Best masturbation I ever had...
      I was pounding away, sweat on my forehead, and then I came. Wonderful.
      And then the man in the shop said,  'Are you going to buy that magazine?'

      And finally, after 2 humiliating defeats to Arsenal:
      Micheal Jackson was reported to have been interested in signing for Liverpool.
      He said "The thought of being spanked at home by 11 kids was very tempting".

      And with that I think the JOKES THREAD is back on track... lets keep it that way! ;) :D
      « Last Edit: Mar 22, 2007 06:25:41 pm by RED1028 »
      Nicola
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #44: Mar 22, 2007 07:31:51 pm
      That's it the water molecules. I feel well stupid now :(

      "Best masturbation I ever had...
      I was pounding away, sweat on my forehead, and then I came. Wonderful.
      And then the man in the shop said,  'Are you going to buy that magazine?'"

      ..Lovely!

      "And finally, after 2 humiliating defeats to Arsenal:
      Micheal Jackson was reported to have been interested in signing for Liverpool.
      He said "The thought of being spanked at home by 11 kids was very tempting"

      Everyone was loving this after those few days :'( *Aaargh* I got so much abuse!!
      Glenbuck
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #45: Mar 22, 2007 09:40:23 pm
      Heres a few oldies!! ;D

      John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

      One day John got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you.... but the girl said "NO! "

      John said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
      I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

      She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

      Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call .

      Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

      She said "HE USED COINS!!!"


      Gary Neville walks into old trafford with a bag in his hand

      security say, Gary whats in the bag

      Gary replies a gun

      security say thank god i thought you'd brought your boots for a minute

      Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves desperate for a wee.
      As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
      The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.
      Thier task continued they continue to stagger home.
      Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
      " You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her a*se that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!"
      Nicola
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #46: Mar 22, 2007 09:49:14 pm
      HAHAHAAH I love them!!
      Rafa La Bamba
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #47: Mar 22, 2007 10:43:52 pm
      Heres a few oldies!! ;D

      John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

      One day John got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you.... but the girl said "NO! "

      John said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
      I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

      She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

      Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call .

      Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

      She said "HE USED COINS!!!"

      Hahaha feckin joker ;D
      RED1028
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #48: Mar 23, 2007 12:20:11 am
      John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...
      :D :D :D Fantastic!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

      An English teacher is discovering how her class of 8 year olds are coping with grammar, especially the use of long words in sentences.

      She asks "Does anyone know any long words and can they put them in a sentence with an explanation for the class?"

      "Miss, miss, miss!" said a young girl. "Yes Emily! What is your word in a sentence with an explanation?"

      "When I get to school the teacher does registration. That means she checks who is present or absent."

      "Very good Emily! Anyone else?" said the teacher.

      "Me Miss, me, me!" shouted Katie. "My Dad was disappointed his horse came last in it's race. Disappointed means failed to fulfill the hopes or expectations of, in this case my Dads' hopes and expectations were that he had hoped his horse had a better finishing position but it didn't so he was disappointed!"

      "Amazing Katie, very good!" said the teacher in awe. " Wow! Anyone else?"

      Silence for a moment then Johnny stuck his hand up. "I've got one," he said.

      "Contagious," he said proudly.
      "There was a storm what blew our neighbors' fence over and my Dad said
      "It'll take that c*nt ages to put it back up!"
      « Last Edit: Mar 23, 2007 12:22:31 am by RED1028 »
      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 5,557 posts | 233 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #49: Mar 23, 2007 11:11:30 am
      A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
      "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

      His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
      "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

      The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
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      • 234 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #50: Mar 23, 2007 03:02:31 pm
      man gets caught by the farmer having sex with one of his sheep. the farmer takes the man off down to the local police station where he is interviewed......

      PC: this sheep you were having it off with, was it male or female?
      man: it was female of course - what do you take me for - a pervert?!
      « Last Edit: Mar 23, 2007 03:04:15 pm by banksiemagic »
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #51: Mar 25, 2007 12:16:34 am
      Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
      saying: 

      "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

      "OH NO!"  the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

      His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
      president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

      'How many is a Brazillion ??!'
      batman0077
      • Forum Billy Liddell
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      • 564 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #52: Mar 25, 2007 05:42:26 am
      Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
      saying: 

      "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

      "OH NO!"  the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

      His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
      president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

      'How many is a Brazillion ??!'

      welcome to america

      ok, i got a good one... two men walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

      i know, i'm not funny.
      Rafa La Bamba
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      • 3,895 posts | -157 
      • In Rafa We Trust
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #53: Mar 25, 2007 01:20:13 pm
      A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

      Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down. ...

      EddieC
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      • 5,557 posts | 233 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #54: Mar 25, 2007 03:14:58 pm


       :D :D :D
      Red-Paul
      • Forum Youth Player

      • 9 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #55: Mar 26, 2007 04:58:59 pm
      A Quickie

      A three legged dog limps into a saloon and looks round and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw
      I'll get me coat
      Venison 86
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      • 5,156 posts | 205 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #56: Mar 26, 2007 06:25:12 pm
      David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
      Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
      "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
      "Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

      AussieRed
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      • 14,910 posts | 2538 
      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #57: Mar 26, 2007 10:11:35 pm
      The Irish
       
       
       Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
      His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
      "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
      " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
      "That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
      "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
      "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
      That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


      **********************************************************************************************************
      An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
      of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
      A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
      "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
      "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
      "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
      "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
      "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
      "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


      ***********************************************************************************************************

      Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
      "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
      "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
      "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
      "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
      I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
      Finally, she looked up at Tim.
      "How did it happen, Tim?"

      "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

      "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
      "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



      ************************************************************************************************************

      Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
      He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
      She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
      The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
      She says, "That he did, Father."
      The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
      She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


      *********************************************************************************************************

      AND THE BEST FOR LAST

      A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
      The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
      Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
      The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either
      Venison 86
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      • 5,156 posts | 205 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #58: Mar 26, 2007 10:22:03 pm
      An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

      "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

      "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

      "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite

                                                                                                                                                                 
       
      Red-Paul
      • Forum Youth Player

      • 9 posts |
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #59: Mar 28, 2007 08:44:50 am
      Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.One said to the other "That there gal is having a bad time!"

      The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"

      "You bet,"  Said the first guy,and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.

      He said, "Can you speak?"

      She again shook her head no.With that,he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,with great relief.

      Back to his friend,he said "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver always works."
      « Last Edit: Mar 28, 2007 08:46:51 am by Red-Paul »

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