Jokes Thread

A bloke on holiday in Scotland walks into a café with a notice which says, we serve anything you order. He asks the waiter for Loch Ness monster on toast. The waiter returns saying sorry sir, we've run out of bread.

Lionel Rich Tea 

Breaking news: The Energizer bunny has been arrested. Charged with battery apparently.

Breaking news: The Energizer bunny has been arrested. Charged with battery apparently.

Hendo?

Breaking news: The Energizer bunny has been arrested. Charged with battery apparently.

Think that's bad?... The Peelers arrested two young bucks 'round my way yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



  Taxi!

BREAKING NEWS: Dotmund boss Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job ....although his brother Klipperty has expressed an interest

José Mourinho is curious how Arsène Wenger’s team went on such a magnificent unbeaten run, so he decides on a visit to Arsenal’s training ground to see how Wenger trains his players.
After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. “Well, it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally”. Of course Mourinho wants an example, so Wenger asks Mesut Özil to come over. He asks: “Özil, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is not difficult,” Özil answers immediately, “Of course that is me.” “You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp,” Wenger says to Mourinho.
Mourinho, who wants to be the next “Invincibles”, decides to bring this into his training the next day. He calls Fernando Torres over. “Fernando, I have a question for you,” he says, “He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?” “My God, José,” is Torres' reply, “That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night?” Mourinho agrees with the one-night postponement.
So that night Torres decides to call Didier Drogba. He has been at Chelsea, so maybe he knows something about these questions. “Didier, maybe you know the answer to this question: he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is easy, that is me!” says Drogba.
So the next day Torres walks full of confidence to Mourinho. Mourinho asks: “Fernando, do you know the answer to my question now?” “Yes it was actually very easy,” he says, “Is it Didier Drogba?”
Mourinho answers, “No of course not you stupid b***ard. It’s Mesut Özil.”

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout : Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a F**k up!

A priest is fishing a local watering hole one afternoon and catches an odd looking fish. The guy down the shore explains it’s called a Sonofabitch fish. The priest is not amused but the fisherman swears it is correct. When he gets back to the church rectory the priest gives the fish to the groundskeeper to clean and says “Here’s a Sonofabitch we can have for dinner!” “FATHER!” he gasps, and the priest explains that’s the real name of the fish. The groundskeeper later gives the fillets to the head nun and says “You can cook this Sonofabitch for dinner.” “MY DEAR SIR!” she exclaims, and the groundskeeper chuckles and agrees it’s an odd name but is truly correct.

That evening during dinner the pope himself stops in for a surprise visit and takes a seat at the table. “This is the most wonderful fish!” the pope exclaims. “I caught the Sonofabitch!” says the priest; “I cleaned the Sonofabitch!” barks the groundskeeper; “Yes, and I cooked the Sonofbitch!” announces the nun. Nodding, the pope looks around the table slyly and says “You know what? You fuckers are alright.”

Three men are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.

"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits. "Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing. The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay... There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition. The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief. "No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel. "What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats. "No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!" "Then what's your problem?" "I just passed my wife and she was on rollerskates!"

"Forgive me father for I have sinned," "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the F***ing putt didn't you?"

That's brilliant mate + for you. On the golf theme:

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

As Spain bow out they blamed the weather, it was to Chilie

Got this new after-shave called "Breadcrumbs"
Sure it sounds funny, but the Birds love it!!

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" and "fosforous" up to 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments wil enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem vil hav finali kum tru.

A man walks into a bar, he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!"
Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in.
"Vodka and tonic please mate"
"Here's an apple."
"I don't want a f***in' apple mate, I want a..."
"Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer.
He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"
Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"
A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate".
"Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"
"Any flavour?" Asks the third man.
"Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman.
"In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"
"Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple.
The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.
"EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like sh*t!!"
"TURN IT AROUND!!"

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

Getting worse, Glitter, Harris, Saville et al and now Blue Peter badge winners are coming forward saying Petra, Goldie, Bonnie and Shep humped their legs.

A man was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug b***ard!"

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can't break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?"
The teacher replies "I'll do what I can"
Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties.
On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!"
She says "You're on!" and lifts her dress to reveal she isn't wearing any panties at all!
Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling.
The teacher ecstatically calls his father. "Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!"
The father is astounded. "How'd you do that?" he asks.
"Well, Johnny's been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn't wear any, so he lost the bet!"
A long string of curses comes over the phone.
Teacher asks "What's wrong? Didn't I do it right?"
Dad answers "Just this morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the day was out!"

I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup. 

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.