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      Jokes Thread

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      what-a-hit-son
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      • @MrPrice1979
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4750: Jul 25, 2014 12:42:14 am
      "Does my bum look big in this?" Asked my wife.

      "Yes it does," I replied, "That's a three seater couch you've just squeezed into you fat tw*t."
      what-a-hit-son
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      • @MrPrice1979
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4751: Jul 25, 2014 12:42:39 am
      Sorry ladies.
      MsGerrard
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4752: Jul 25, 2014 09:03:27 pm

      Are you really WAHS?? pmsl xx
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4753: Jul 26, 2014 12:04:58 am
      On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
      St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
      The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
      'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
      'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
      St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
      'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?'
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4754: Jul 28, 2014 01:13:45 pm
      A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
      There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
      There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
      But, she doesn't mention this to him.
      They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
      She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
      The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
      The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says --
      'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4755: Jul 29, 2014 07:51:46 pm
      (Warning potential offensive joke)

      Mohammed and Jesus sitting in the dark,  who changes the light bulb?
      Neither, Jesus can't do it, he has two big holes in his hands,  and Mohammed likes it to be dark when he molests the children!  :couch:
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4756: Jul 31, 2014 08:51:55 pm
      A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
      On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
      "What?" said the puzzled groom.
      "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
      "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
      Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
      Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
      Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
      Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
      Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
      Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
      Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
      Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
      Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
      "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
      "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4757: Aug 11, 2014 02:21:13 am
      I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
      I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.
      He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:
      "F**k off Gates, I'm in a meeting."
      Roddenberry
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4758: Aug 23, 2014 11:12:27 pm
      I'm all for the empowerment of women, it's great that, though more needs to be done, equal rights exist, I just wish some ladies I know would stop confusing 'Girl Power' with being a bi*ch.
      fletch_rox
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      • JFT96
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4759: Sep 01, 2014 11:22:00 am
      What is Brad Pitt's evil twin called?

      Bad Pitt

       :f_whistle:
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4760: Sep 20, 2014 12:20:56 pm
      A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
      Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the f**k up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
      AussieRed
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4761: Sep 30, 2014 02:01:55 pm
      A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his “Old chap standing to attention”.




      The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

      However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.

      The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

      The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

      So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

      A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

      As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his “old chap” sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

      His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, ‘That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
       
      With tears in his eyes he replied, ‘I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse’.
      AussieRed
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4762: Sep 30, 2014 02:05:23 pm
      Son said to Dad. “I'm Gay.”
      Dad looks at his other son and said. “What about you”?
      Other son said. “Me too, Dad”.
      Dad said. “F**k me, doesn't anyone in this ‘frickin’ family like Pussy”?
      The Daughter said. “I do”.
      gareth g
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4763: Oct 01, 2014 02:58:36 pm
      Nice one Ian  :lmao: :lmao:
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4764: Oct 01, 2014 06:40:18 pm
      A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.

      A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB". This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.

      Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" but the German keeps on coming. He aims again "BANG BANG BANGITY BANG" and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts "STAB STAB STABBITY STAB" the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. As he lies there dying the German slows down and comes back for a look. He finds our hero lying crushed on the ground asking how this happened. He laughs, turns around and runs off, resuming his shouts of "TANK TANK TANKITY TANK".
      CoutinhoRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4765: Oct 02, 2014 09:57:55 pm
      got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

      Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

      She said, "Yes you are."

      I said, "No I'm f**king not."

      She said, "Can you tell the time?"

      I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."

       
      A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
      "Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
      "Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
      "A pound," the barman replied.
      "A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
      The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
      The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
      The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
       
       
      THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
      1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
      2. Nope, no more booze for me!
      3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
      4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
      5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
      6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
      7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
      8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
      9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
      10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

       
      A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

      His granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

       
      A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
      "You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
      "Yeah, why? How do you know?"
      "You left your wheelchair at the pub."
      6stringer
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4766: Oct 02, 2014 10:15:25 pm
      I see Apple have just released a phone exclusively for sale in Scotland ...

      Its called the "Aye Phone"  :D
      Roddenberry
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4767: Oct 03, 2014 12:44:38 am
      I see Apple have just released a phone exclusively for sale in Scotland ...

      Its called the "Aye Phone"  :D

      Shouldn't that be the och aye phone?  Geordie version the why aye phone? The Welsh the Dai Phone?  The explaining for the 100th time to your parents/grandparents how to use it the sigh phone?
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4768: Oct 04, 2014 08:15:50 am
      or for the mathematicians and fat bas**rds the PI(E) phone.

      Undertakers, the Die phone.
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4769: Oct 05, 2014 04:31:45 pm
      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4770: Oct 24, 2014 10:11:54 pm
      Did you hear about the Irish exorcism? They had to call the Devil to Get the priest out of the child!
      Darth Joe
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4771: Oct 27, 2014 09:23:14 am
      Four women were having a chat one day and they began bragging about their sons.

      The first woman said: "My son is a priest. When people come to see him they call him "Father".

      The second woman: "Well my son is bishop. So when people greet him they have to say "Your Lordship".

      The third woman: "My son is an archbishop. People say "Your Excellency" when they address him."

      The fourth woman: "Well none of your sons can compare to mine, when people see him they say "Oh my God!"
      Roddenberry
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4772: Nov 15, 2014 09:35:01 am
      I'm increasingly despairing of today's society, a few years ago we had the paediatrician beaten up because inbred thickos didn't know the difference between that word and paedophile, this week an ornothologist got gay bashed for admitting he had a Cockatoo.

      I know people were worried that that idiotic fan may have gotten enough money to fly that stupid anti-Rodgers banner over Anfield with a plane.  Having to watch the game on TV, I was far more concerned and annoyed by the Michael Owen drone.

      If I was a Coeliac on a gluten free diet and my girlfriend got a yeast infection, what's the worse that could happen?

      GeorgeRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4773: Nov 24, 2014 10:04:54 pm
      A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

      Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

      Son: At school.

      The robot slaps the son.

      Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

      Dad: Which one?

      Son: Kung Fu Panda.

      The robot slaps the son again.

      Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

      Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

      The robot slaps the Dad.

      Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

      The robot slaps the mom...
      LFCexiled
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4774: Jan 25, 2015 11:40:31 am
      How many paedophiles can you fit into a cabinet?

      Ask Thatcher.

      ;D

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