got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm f**king not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
His granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."