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      Jokes Thread

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      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4770: Oct 24, 2014 10:11:54 pm
      Did you hear about the Irish exorcism? They had to call the Devil to Get the priest out of the child!
      Darth Joe
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4771: Oct 27, 2014 09:23:14 am
      Four women were having a chat one day and they began bragging about their sons.

      The first woman said: "My son is a priest. When people come to see him they call him "Father".

      The second woman: "Well my son is bishop. So when people greet him they have to say "Your Lordship".

      The third woman: "My son is an archbishop. People say "Your Excellency" when they address him."

      The fourth woman: "Well none of your sons can compare to mine, when people see him they say "Oh my God!"
      Roddenberry
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4772: Nov 15, 2014 09:35:01 am
      I'm increasingly despairing of today's society, a few years ago we had the paediatrician beaten up because inbred thickos didn't know the difference between that word and paedophile, this week an ornothologist got gay bashed for admitting he had a Cockatoo.

      I know people were worried that that idiotic fan may have gotten enough money to fly that stupid anti-Rodgers banner over Anfield with a plane.  Having to watch the game on TV, I was far more concerned and annoyed by the Michael Owen drone.

      If I was a Coeliac on a gluten free diet and my girlfriend got a yeast infection, what's the worse that could happen?

      GeorgeRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4773: Nov 24, 2014 10:04:54 pm
      A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

      Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

      Son: At school.

      The robot slaps the son.

      Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

      Dad: Which one?

      Son: Kung Fu Panda.

      The robot slaps the son again.

      Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

      Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

      The robot slaps the Dad.

      Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

      The robot slaps the mom...
      LFCexiled
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4774: Jan 25, 2015 11:40:31 am
      How many paedophiles can you fit into a cabinet?

      Ask Thatcher.

      ;D
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4775: Jan 25, 2015 11:46:22 am
      At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
      Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
      "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
      The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
      "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4776: Mar 09, 2015 10:05:38 am
      82 year old Ernie is on his death bed with his wife Doris by his side:

      He says,

      'Dear Doris, when we were first courting in our prime at 22, I slipped off my roller skates and broke my collar bone.

      And Doris, you were there by my side to comfort me.

      Doris, when we went out for our anniversary meal at the age of 32, I got food poisoning and you were there by my side.

      Doris, when I was 37 you were there by my side when I crashed the car into a lamp post and you comforted me and looked after me.

      Doris, when I was 42 do you remember when I was cleaning the windows and fell off the ladder only to break my wrist, you were there by my side.

      Doris, when I was 44 you were there when I was given the horrible news of my sister's death, again you were there, by my side.

      Doris when I was 54 and was diagnosed with prostate cancer, you were there by my side.

      Doris, when I was 63 and was given the all clear from prostate cancer I came down with pneumonia and you were there, by my side.

      Doris, when I was 69 and started to get the awful pain that arthritis brings, you were there by my side.

      Doris, when I was 74 and slipped over on the icey path only to break my ankle, you were there by my side.

      Doris, I am now 82 and on my death bed....

      Doris, your nothing but a f**king jinx.
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4777: Mar 09, 2015 11:28:25 am
      xSkyline
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4778: Mar 09, 2015 11:46:35 am
      Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
      'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
      Edna always replied,
      'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
      One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
      'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
      To this, Edna replied,
      "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
      The pilot overheard the couple and said,
      'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
      Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
      The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
      When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
      'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
      Buddy replied,
      'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4779: Apr 11, 2015 08:07:31 am

      A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

      A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

      A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

      Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

      A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
       


      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4780: Apr 11, 2015 08:23:04 am
      I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Damm it!
      zz19a
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4781: Apr 11, 2015 08:28:45 am
      I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Damm it!

       :mad: :mad: :mad: :lmao:
      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4782: May 10, 2015 11:08:20 pm
      David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
      The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
      So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
      A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
      'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'
      A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
      'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
      The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
      'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
      Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
      'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
      'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either


      What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
      Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
      Roddenberry
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4783: May 10, 2015 11:37:56 pm
      What's green & empty?

      Orville's arse.
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4784: May 11, 2015 10:06:19 am
      Jimmy returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
      doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.


      Given the prognosis, Jimmy
      asks his wife for sex.
      Naturally, she agrees, so
      they make love.
      About 6 hours later, the
      husband goes to his wife and says,
      'Honey, you know I now have
      only 18 hours to live.
      Could we please do it one
      more time?'
      Of course, the wife agrees,
      and they do it again.
      Later, as the man gets into
      bed, he looks at his watch
      and realizes that he now has
      only 8 hours left.
      He touches his wife's
      shoulder and asks,

      'Honey, please... just one
      more time before I die.'

      She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
      and they make love for the third time.

      After this session, the wife
      rolls over and falls asleep.

      Jimmy, however, worried about his
      impending death, tosses and turns,
      until he's down to 4 more hours.

      He taps his wife, who rouses.
      'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


      Do you think we could...'
      At this point the wife sits up and says,
      'Listen Jimmy, enough is enough. 
      I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'


      bad boy bubby
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4785: May 11, 2015 10:18:30 am
      David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class...

      Why didn't David Cameron pick his kids up from school?














      'Cause he's a c**t.

      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4786: May 11, 2015 10:33:57 am
      Mick was having a cuppa tea and reading his morning newspaper, when all of a sudden he heard all this yelling in the next room. So he gets up to investigate, he sees Paddy yelling into an empty envelope:

      "Paddy, what the feck are you yelling into an empty envelope for?"

      "I'm trying to send a fecking voicemail Mick"
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4787: May 22, 2015 07:56:27 pm
      What's green & empty?

      Orville's arse.

      PMSL !! :lmao: :lmao:
      Laughing so much I had to get my wife to read it as opposed to reading it to her !
      bad boy bubby
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4788: Jul 28, 2015 06:05:45 pm
      If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it does a hipster buy it's album?
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4789: Oct 04, 2015 04:12:50 pm
      What's the difference between England
      And a tea-bag

      A tea-bag stays in the cup longer

      Boom boom .
      bigears
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4790: Oct 17, 2015 09:30:19 pm
      Paddy and Mary decided to spice up their sex lives , lets have a 69 says Mary  . i don't know what that is says Paddy but i'll give it a go . Lie down there and i'll sit on yer face says Mary , as she does so she farts in Paddys face , i'm sorry Paddy it just came out we'll go again . She tries again but she farted again in Paddys face . Paddy jumped up and says f**k that sh*t i'm not doing that 67 more times .
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4791: Oct 17, 2015 11:43:54 pm
      Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

      "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

      "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
      Firepool
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4792: Oct 25, 2015 01:55:03 am
      A teacher asked the students about who was Manchester United fans.
      All raised their hands except one little girl .
      The teacher asked, " Why are you not a Manchester United fan? "
      " I am a Liverpool fan "
      " Why are you a Liverpool fan? "
      " My father is Liverpool fan and my mother 's Liverpool fan , so therefore I am a Liverpool fan " .
      The teacher says " Thats is no reason .
      "Think about if your father was an idiot and your mother was an idiot , what would you be then? "
      "THEN would have been a Manchester United fan! "
      nevilsarim
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4793: Nov 03, 2015 07:53:15 am
      I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Damm it!

       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4794: Dec 26, 2015 12:13:32 pm
      beardo number 7
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4795: Jan 07, 2016 02:00:45 pm
      An american man a japanese man and an irishman are all sitting nude in a sauna without a stitch on,suddenly theres a ringing sound but theres nothing in the room at all except for these 3 men. The american says "its ok guys its just my mobile phone? I had it surgically implanted in my arm".Irishman thinks Bee jesus thats bloody clever. It all goes quiet again when theres a loud beeping noise coming from the japanese man."Velly solly" says the japanese man,"its a pager impranted in my head" At this stage the irishman feels a bit daft for not having anything so technologically advanced. He goes out and comes back in with a strip of toilet paper stuck between the cheeks of his arse? "would ya look at that" he says "i,m gettin a fax
      FL Red
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4796: Jan 07, 2016 03:49:30 pm
      Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

      "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

      "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

      You'd figure a silly foreigner would shop at Wal-Mart. ;)
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4797: Jan 07, 2016 05:31:21 pm
      You'd figure a silly foreigner would shop at Wal-Mart. ;)

       :laugh:
      bad boy bubby
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4798: Mar 25, 2016 09:03:06 am
      The Brown paper bag, under the table, in the painting 'The Last Supper'?









       

      Judas's Carryout.


      Taxi.  :f_whistle:
      nikos
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4799: Apr 01, 2016 07:10:39 pm
      Chubby bloke wants to lose weight so he visits a weight loss centre applying a revolutionary 4 level method.Has his weight checked at the reception and gets instructed to proceed to the first storey where he would go through the level 1 of the method.

      As he exits the lift finds a flat, presses the doorbell as instructed and waits. After 9-10 seconds οf anticipation the door opens and a sexy half naked beauty emerges and lustfully beckons. ''Goodness'' he thought ''business with plesure, why not?" as he entered, just nodded and settled for a  ''morning'' endeavouring to hide his excitement. ''the drill is you chase me sir and if you catch me you f**k me, you have 30 minutes.After that and if you haven't cought me a bell goes and you must stop". Go! He runs after her but she was too fast, too agile for him leaping over the sofa, the chairs etc like a kangaroo and our fella without noticing the first 10 mins were gone, then another 10 and then another and therefore on the 30th the bell goes and they both stop. Out of breath  and dripping sweat all over he says ''i'd give up anyway you are running like hell, i'm exhausted". Ok she replies go down at the reception and have your weight checked please, i'm sure you have lost some weight". ''Hope so" he responds and does as he was told to, noticeably disappointed.

      At the reception he steps on the scale and voila' minus 2 pounds!!!iAfter being warmly congratulated was asked if he was happy with the result said of course but he would like to lose some more weight as he explained. They told him that in than case he should proceed to the level 2 and so he does.

      Storey 2,flat, doorbell even sexier lady answers, even more excited our hero. Same procedure ''if you catch me f**k me'' Go!,only this time it was 40 minutes that unfortunately elapse without success. Bell rings,almost dropped with fatigue he hears the lovely woman saying things he already knew.

      Groundfloor, reception, weight minus another 2 pounds, thrilled! " but i need to lose more" so level 3, third storey,even sexier lady than the other two,same rules "if you catch me you f**k me", 45 mins Go! and more effort put by our bloke but with the same result after the bell.

      Reception -1.5 pounds, ''but i need to lose a few more pounds'' ''Well in this case sir you must try our level 4 the ultimate'' as they called it.

      So he ascends on the 4ht storey finds a flat door ajar being sure that this would be the ''ultimate'' woman he we was about to see overwhelmed with ...enthusiasm. Reluctantly walks into the dimly lit flat, takes 2 steps, then another 2 and all of the sudden the a huge,hairy, brutal guy appears out of nowhere (must had been hiding behind the flat door), slams the door, locks it and says ''look mate no time,no bells, no bullshit in here if i catch you i f**k you. Go''!   
      « Last Edit: Apr 02, 2016 04:08:49 pm by nikos »

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