Trending Topics

      Next match: LFC v Spurs [Premier League] Sun 31st Mar @ 4:30 pm
      Anfield

      Today is the 21st of March and on this date LFC's match record is P18 W9 D0 L9

      Jokes Thread

      Read 303361 times
      0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
      Magillionare
      • Official LFC Reds Sig Maker. Lives on Sesame Street.
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,710 posts | 2182 
      • Hold on a minute, John Wayne hasn't arrived yet.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4800: Apr 29, 2016 06:43:43 pm
      Woke up this morning to a tap on my door... Funny sense of humour my Plummer has
      ORCHARD RED
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 8,098 posts | 1316 
      • 5 Times!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4801: May 02, 2016 07:31:49 pm


      Made me laugh! Probably sums up my sense of humour!
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4802: May 11, 2016 01:35:44 pm
      A five year old girl is usually driven to school by her grandfather but this particular day he had a cold so the girl's granny stepped in.

      That night the little girl told her parents the ride to school with granny was quite different.

      ''What made it different'' asked her parents.

      ''Oh'' she replied ''granny and me never saw a single tosser, blind b***ard, foreign pr**k or w**ker on the way to school today''.
      higgy_sham
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
      • *****

      • 2,243 posts | 279 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4803: May 11, 2016 01:42:04 pm
      A five year old girl is usually driven to school by her grandfather but this particular day he had a cold so the girl's granny stepped in.

      That night the little girl told her parents the ride to school with granny was quite different.

      You not going to finish that joke off, Stuey?

      Up there with one of my favourites  ;D

      EDIT: Apologies, you just did.
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4804: May 11, 2016 01:43:26 pm
      You not going to finish that joke off, Stuey?

      Up there with one of my favourites  ;D

      EDIT: Apologies, you just did.

      Posted before I finished mate.
      higgy_sham
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
      • *****

      • 2,243 posts | 279 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4805: May 11, 2016 01:45:26 pm
      Posted before I finished mate.

      Remember my oul' boy telling me that years ago. Loved it then, love it now.  :D
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4806: May 11, 2016 02:55:30 pm
      Remember my oul' boy telling me that years ago. Loved it then, love it now.  :D

      The arl ones are the best mate.
      clint_call01
      • King Live Match Starter
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 8,674 posts | 1860 
      • Ynwa... lfc till I die !
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4807: Jul 20, 2016 10:09:18 pm
      A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
      She found herself seated next to a nice priest, whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
      "Of course my child, what can I do for you?"
      "Here is the problem: I bought myself a new sophisticated body hair removal gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie," the priest responded, frowning.
      "You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," she said, and she gave him the tool.
      The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs, he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
      "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
      Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
      The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

      Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4808: Aug 12, 2016 12:20:18 pm
      Paddy says to Murphy ''my mate came of his motorbike today''.

      ''Oh really'' says Murphy.

      ''yes he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye'' says Paddy.

      ''F***ing hell'' says Murphy, ''no wonder he came off''.
      what-a-hit-son
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,101 posts | 3166 
      • @MrPrice1979
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4809: Sep 16, 2016 02:03:10 am
      Sorry...



      Guy walks into a pet shop and says: "I'm after a pet, but not just any pet. I want a special one."

      Pet shop assistant replies: "Great timing. I've just got this cock sucking frog in.

      Guy: "F**k off, no way this frog sucks off."

      Pet shop assistant gets the frog out and passes it to the man and says: "Have a try."

      The man drops his pants and sure enough the frog gets his mouth around his cock and gives him the best suck of his life.

      "I'll take it" the guy says.

      Guy gets home and goes straight to his wife with the frog: "F***ing hell love you'll never believe what I've got here" as he drops his pants.

      The frog performs and the guy comes in the frog's mouth after another amazing blow job.

      His wife says: "And what the f**k do you want me to do about that?"

      Guy replies: " Teach it to cook and f**k off."
      nikos
      • Forum Sami Hyypia
      • ***

      • 467 posts | 57 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4810: Sep 16, 2016 10:09:11 am
      A needle says to another when a hedgehog becomes visible from some distance: ''At last, bus is arriving''.
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4811: Oct 03, 2016 09:54:31 am
      A Manchester school teacher asks her class ''which team they support, raise your hand if it's Man Utd'' she says.

      The whole class raised their hands except for one child.
      She said to the boy ''John which team do you support''?
      ''I support the mighty Liverpool FC'' said John.

      The teacher asked him why.
      ''My mam and dad are both from Liverpool, they support Liverpool and so do I'' said the lad.

      ''Well that doesn't necessarily mean you have to copy them, what if your father was a junkie and your mother was a whore''?
      Quick as a flash John replied ''then I'd support Man U like the rest of you smelly bas**rds''.
      « Last Edit: Oct 03, 2016 10:10:40 am by stuey »
      nikos
      • Forum Sami Hyypia
      • ***

      • 467 posts | 57 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4812: Oct 03, 2016 10:59:37 am

      The whole class raised their hands except for one child.
      She said to the boy ''John which team do you support''?
      ''I support the mighty Liverpool FC'' said John.

      Ha, ha so Stuey this means in a Manchester school classroom there are more Lfc fans than Man city! Pathetic!
      « Last Edit: Oct 03, 2016 11:21:02 am by nikos »
      6stringer
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 1,866 posts | 410 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4813: Oct 17, 2016 11:12:09 am
      One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

       "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

       "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto
       and we won, so I bought it with my share of the
       winnings."

       A week later, his wife comes home with a long
       shiny fur coat.

       "Where did you get the coat?" her husband asks.

       She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and
       we won again, so I bought it with my share of the
       winnings."

       Another week later, his wife comes home,
       driving a flaming Ferrari, "How could you afford
       that car?" her husband asks.

       You guessed it: her share of the lotto winnings.

       That night, the wife asks her husband to run her
       a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
       When she enters the bathroom, she finds there
       is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.

      "What's this?" she asks her husband.

      "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your
       lotto ticket wet, do we?"

       ;D
      Magillionare
      • Official LFC Reds Sig Maker. Lives on Sesame Street.
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,710 posts | 2182 
      • Hold on a minute, John Wayne hasn't arrived yet.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4814: Oct 22, 2016 08:44:56 am
      A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

      The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the husband.

      "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
      AJ
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
      • *****

      • 6,310 posts | 82 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4815: Nov 10, 2016 11:47:50 pm
      A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

      The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the husband.

      "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

      Brilliant! love this one
      what-a-hit-son
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,101 posts | 3166 
      • @MrPrice1979
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4816: Nov 11, 2016 07:27:07 am
      Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

      The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

      The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

      Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

      Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

      Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer
      nikos
      • Forum Sami Hyypia
      • ***

      • 467 posts | 57 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4817: Feb 04, 2017 08:01:58 am
      Fat, bald men are the best lovers according to research conducted by team of American fat, bald scientists.
      Beerbelly
      • Banned
      • *****

      • 6,983 posts | 2054 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4818: Feb 04, 2017 08:58:24 am
      Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

      The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

      The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

      Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

      Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

      Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer

       ;D
      Magillionare
      • Official LFC Reds Sig Maker. Lives on Sesame Street.
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,710 posts | 2182 
      • Hold on a minute, John Wayne hasn't arrived yet.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4819: Feb 04, 2017 04:46:30 pm
      Simon Mignolet
      Frankly, Mr Shankly
      • Forum Legend - Paisley
      • *****

      • 19,436 posts | 4837 
      • YNWA
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4820: Feb 05, 2017 01:05:44 am
      bad boy bubby
      • Forum Legend - Paisley
      • *****

      • 14,536 posts | 3140 
      • Better Red Than Dead @KaiserQueef
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4821: Mar 07, 2017 06:14:24 pm
      So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray... 😆
      FATKOPITE10
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 9,693 posts | 1603 
      • Liverpool fc give me tourettes
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4822: Mar 11, 2017 08:47:59 pm
      So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray... 😆

      His other brother didn't eat meat, he was called veggie kray
      clint_call01
      • King Live Match Starter
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 8,674 posts | 1860 
      • Ynwa... lfc till I die !
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4823: Jul 20, 2017 10:16:11 am
      zz19a
      • The Mighty REDS 19
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
      • *****

      • 3,168 posts | 115 
      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4824: Jul 20, 2017 10:19:08 am
      Magillionare
      • Official LFC Reds Sig Maker. Lives on Sesame Street.
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 14,710 posts | 2182 
      • Hold on a minute, John Wayne hasn't arrived yet.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4825: Jul 20, 2017 02:40:28 pm
      A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

      "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

      The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

      He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
      Beerbelly
      • Banned
      • *****

      • 6,983 posts | 2054 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4826: Oct 01, 2017 06:21:00 am
      Scotia
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 8,173 posts | 2291 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4827: Oct 04, 2017 10:16:07 am
      I hate it when people ask me about my wife’s job. I always tell them it’s hard to say what she does for a living.

      She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
      stuey
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • *****
      • 33,328 posts | 3141 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4828: Oct 23, 2017 03:23:43 pm
      Irish 911 call:
      An Irish lady is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidently shoots him.

      Irish woman: "It's my husband, I was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot him, I think I've f**king killed him".

      Operator: "Please calm down ma'am, can you please make sure your husband is actually dead"?

      *click*  bang.

      Irish woman: "OK I've done that, what now"?

      Baconbutty
      • Forum John Aldridge
      • **

      • 110 posts | 22 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4829: Dec 19, 2017 01:37:11 am
      A fella called Pete is walking through a park one day in the summer when he spots an ice cream van with a sign saying: “We sell EVERY flavour ice cream in the world!”

      Pete walks over and asks if it’s true, if the man behind the counter really is selling EVERY flavour ice cream in the world.

      “Whatever you want, I’ve got!” replies the ice cream man.

      “Ok”, says Pete, “I’ll have sausage and bacon please.”

      Much to Pete’s surprise, the ice cream man hands him a double scooped ice cream cone and says: “£2 please.”

      Pete hands the man £10 and while he’s waiting for his change, has a lick of the ice cream. He can’t believe it when he tastes it; he actually can taste the sausage. He tries another bit but there’s no taste of bacon and he tells the ice cream man.

      “Turn it round” he says. And again much to Pete’s surprise , it really does taste like bacon.

      “Wow, what else have you got?” Asks Pete.

      “Anything you can think of, I’ve got.”

      “Ok then” says Pete, “I’ll have fish and chips please”

      The man hands over another double scooped ice cream and says: “This ones a special, it’s £3. I’ll get your change”.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and it really does taste like chips. But he can’t taste the fish. When he tells the ice cream man, who’s looking through his till for Pete’s change, he shouts: “Turn it round!”

      Pete turns the ice cream around and tastes the other scoop. He’s right; it really does taste like fish.

      “Told you!”, says the ice cream man, “I’ve got EVERY single flavour you can think of behind this counter”.

      “Ok then”, says Pete and he leans over and whispers: “what about fanny?”

      “I’ve already told you, mate” says the ice cream man, “I’ve got every single flavour ice cream behind this counter. That’ll be £5 for the fanny flavour though.”

      He pulls a tub of ice cream out his freezer and grabs a cone from a box above it and makes Pete another double scoop ice cream and hands it over.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and, much to his dismay, it doesn’t taste like fanny at all. In fact, he thinks, it’s the worst flavour ice cream in the world: it tastes like sh*t.

      “Wait a minute fella, this is horrible this. It doesn’t taste like fanny! It tastes like sh*t!” He shouts.

      The fella behind the counter shouts back: “TURN IT ROUND!”

      Quick Reply