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      Jokes Thread

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      zz19a
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4850: Dec 18, 2018 10:04:25 am
      A family was at the dinner table. Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

      Surprised father  answered--
      'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?
      In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.?
      After 50, they are like onions'.?

      Son--'Onions?'?'
      Father---Yes, you see them and they make you cry.😭'?

      This made his wife and daughter mad😡.
      So d daughter said--Mom, how many kinds of 'penises' are there??

      The mother smiled and answered-- 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.?In his 20's, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard? In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch🌴, flexible but reliable.?
      After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'?

      Daughter-A Christmas tree?
      Mom-'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.😝😂

      Merry Xmas in advance
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4851: Jan 16, 2019 04:11:27 pm


      Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
      But she belonged to someone else...

      One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
      her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
      have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

      Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
      the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
      time you pick it up. "

      She thought for a moment and said that she would have
      to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
      boyfriend and told him the story.

      Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
      money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
      Pants down."

      So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
      goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
      girlfriend to call.

      Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
      asks what happened.

      She responded, "The b***ard used coins!"
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4852: Jan 19, 2019 09:54:27 am
      Had to phone my boss this morning to tell him I won't be in,
      I explained that I had a wee cough,
      "You have a wee cough" he said.
      "Thanks" I said,
      "See you next week".
      clint_call01
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4853: Feb 20, 2019 03:56:52 pm
      BEER, FISHING, SEX &GOLF:

      A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

      The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
      "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
      "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
      "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
      "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
      "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
      "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
      "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
      "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
      The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
      The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4854: Jun 11, 2019 10:25:47 pm
      Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you should have heard the abuse I got!
      So I told them next time get your own f**king sausages
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4855: Jun 28, 2019 12:37:27 pm
      Mate's wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband
      "what do i do?"

      hubby says "I'm no expert but i wouldn't f**king spank him"
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4856: Jun 28, 2019 12:53:56 pm
      Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't haven't it, I am a c*nt and she really does want me to f**k off.
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4857: Jul 04, 2019 11:56:33 pm
      This will brighten up your day 😂😂😂😂

      It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
      When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

      At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
      The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
      At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

      She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
      "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

      "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
      "I asked him what to give you".
      He said, "F**k-him. Give him a fiver."

      She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
      clint_call01
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4858: Aug 21, 2019 07:33:57 pm
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4859: Jan 08, 2020 05:25:33 pm
      My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

      'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

      My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

      We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
      ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

      My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

      We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
      'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

      'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
      'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

      I looked at her and said,
      'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.'

      My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4860: Jan 18, 2020 07:08:06 pm
      During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners,

      asks the students:

      "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

      Michael?"

      Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

      Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

      Teacher: "What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

      Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

      Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good

      manners?"

      Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after dinner. "
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4861: Jan 23, 2020 10:48:05 pm
      A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

      The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

      They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

      At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

      "You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

      The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

      "My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

      The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

      "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks on time."
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4862: Jan 24, 2020 08:38:54 pm
      There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
      He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
      After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
      If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

      The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
      Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
      He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
      He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
      The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

      Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

      Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
      She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
      Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
      Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

       
      Why ???

       

       
      OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

       

       
      Think about it !!!
       

       
      You're going to love this !!!
       
       
       

       
      Everyone knows..

       

       
      You can't kill Two Birds

       

       
      With

       
      OneStone !!😂😂😂😂😂
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4863: Jan 27, 2020 04:43:16 pm
      Sunday Morning Sex

      Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

      If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

      make a doctor's appointment.

      I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
                                                                       
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4864: Feb 03, 2020 11:16:26 pm
      VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND and maybe in the world!
      John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

      That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

      He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

      She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
      John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

      "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

      The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

      She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
       
       
      YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEND THIS ON.
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4865: Feb 15, 2020 07:45:17 am
      My best rugby moment:
      The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
      The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
      Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
      After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
      'So, does that make you feel good' she asked.
      'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
      'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
      I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
      'How do you feel now,' she purred.
      'OK,' I replied.
      Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before'
      Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
      The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up the field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
      "Ahhh" she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
      My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet
      She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t'
      'I certainly have,' I answered,
      'I missed the kick.'
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4866: Feb 15, 2020 08:19:56 am
      Just booked a table for Valentines for me and the Mrs.  I can see it all ending in tears though, she’s f**king sh*t at Snooker !
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4867: Feb 15, 2020 09:19:55 am
      Just booked a table for Valentines for me and the Mrs.  I can see it all ending in tears though, she’s f**king sh*t at Snooker !

      Old ones still the best
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4868: Feb 15, 2020 10:47:33 pm
      A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

      He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

      The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

      'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

      'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.

      'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

      'Yeah right' says the scouser.

      'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

      'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

      'Where am I from ?'

      'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

      ‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

      ' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

      'Yes and who did they play?'

      'Leeds United' again without blinking

      'And the score?'

      '2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

      'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

      'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

      Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

      He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

      He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

      The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

      'How'.

      The memory man squints at the scouser.

      'Flying header in the six yard box.'
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4869: Feb 16, 2020 09:34:19 pm
      The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

      Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

      OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

      Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

      A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

      The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

      The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

      After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

      So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

      Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

      'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.👀😂🤣
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4870: Feb 16, 2020 09:42:02 pm
      The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

      Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

      OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

      Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

      A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

      The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

      The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

      After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

      So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

      Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

      'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.👀😂🤣

       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      Dadorious
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4871: Feb 16, 2020 10:12:21 pm
      Man City.
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4872: Feb 21, 2020 09:29:09 am
      A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

      The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

      Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

      You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

      Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your

      willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

      The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance

      compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing

      is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

      The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how

      many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your

      wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a

      nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one

      before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might

      be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

      The man agrees to talk with his wife.

      The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken

      with your wife?"

      "I have," says the man.

      "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

      "We're having granite worktops"
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4873: Feb 21, 2020 09:35:58 am
      >> At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
      >>
      >> While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
      >> “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
      >>
      >> “Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
      >>
      >> “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
      >>
      >> “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”
      >>
      >> “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
      >>
      >> “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
      >>
      >> “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr**k.”
      >
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4874: Feb 21, 2020 09:43:33 am


      A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
      Dear Maggie
      I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
      I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
      When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
      Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
      I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
      All my love,
      Patrick
      P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

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