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      Jokes Thread

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      • The Mighty REDS 19
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4850: Dec 18, 2018 10:04:25 am
      A family was at the dinner table. Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

      Surprised father  answered--
      'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?
      In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.?
      After 50, they are like onions'.?

      Father---Yes, you see them and they make you cry.😭'?

      This made his wife and daughter mad😡.
      So d daughter said--Mom, how many kinds of 'penises' are there??

      The mother smiled and answered-- 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.?In his 20's, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard? In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch🌴, flexible but reliable.?
      After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'?

      Daughter-A Christmas tree?
      Mom-'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.😝😂

      Merry Xmas in advance
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4851: Jan 16, 2019 04:11:27 pm

      Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
      But she belonged to someone else...

      One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
      her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
      have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

      Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
      the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
      time you pick it up. "

      She thought for a moment and said that she would have
      to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
      boyfriend and told him the story.

      Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
      money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
      Pants down."

      So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
      goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
      girlfriend to call.

      Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
      asks what happened.

      She responded, "The b***ard used coins!"
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4852: Jan 19, 2019 09:54:27 am
      Had to phone my boss this morning to tell him I won't be in,
      I explained that I had a wee cough,
      "You have a wee cough" he said.
      "Thanks" I said,
      "See you next week".
      • King Live Match Starter
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4853: Feb 20, 2019 03:56:52 pm

      A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

      The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
      "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
      "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
      "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
      "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
      "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
      "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
      "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
      "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
      The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
      The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
      • Forum Legend - Dalglish
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4854: Jun 11, 2019 10:25:47 pm
      Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you should have heard the abuse I got!
      So I told them next time get your own f**king sausages
      • Forum Kevin Keegan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4855: Jun 28, 2019 12:37:27 pm
      Mate's wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband
      "what do i do?"

      hubby says "I'm no expert but i wouldn't f**king spank him"
      • Forum Kevin Keegan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4856: Jun 28, 2019 12:53:56 pm
      Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't haven't it, I am a c*nt and she really does want me to f**k off.
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4857: Jul 04, 2019 11:56:33 pm
      This will brighten up your day 😂😂😂😂

      It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
      When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

      At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
      The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
      At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

      She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
      "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

      "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
      "I asked him what to give you".
      He said, "F**k-him. Give him a fiver."

      She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

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