Trending Topics

      Next match: LFC v Fulham [Premier League] Sat 6th Mar @ 3:00 pm
      Anfield

      Today is the 1st of March and on this date LFC's match record is P19 W12 D4 L3

      Jokes Thread

      Read 345198 times
      0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4875: Feb 28, 2020 04:05:42 pm
      The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

      Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

      The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh*t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4876: Feb 28, 2020 04:07:07 pm
      A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

      You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

      So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

      Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

      She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

      'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

      So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

      Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

      'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

      She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

      'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

      Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

      PLEASE NOTE:

      To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

      The first floor has wives that love sex.

      The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

      The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
      el batez
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 8,738 posts | 152 
      • everyones friend.enemies none.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4877: Apr 14, 2020 10:07:41 pm
      Before all this lockdown I was barred from the gym for knocking out a member of staff, I overheard my wifes instructor say "she has a good clean snatch"......
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4878: Apr 20, 2020 08:58:48 pm
      Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

      "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
      Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

      The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
      "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

      The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
      "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

      The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

      Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

      The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4879: Apr 21, 2020 07:09:10 pm
      God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

      The woman said she would try her best.

      God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

      “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer, and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right there and then.

      “ They don’t like that in heaven”, said God.

      The woman replied: “ They’re not too happy about it in Lidl either!”
      el batez
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 8,738 posts | 152 
      • everyones friend.enemies none.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4880: Jul 01, 2020 02:23:38 pm
      Just bought a facemask in the shape of a ducks head?......fits the bill I suppose.
      el batez
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 8,738 posts | 152 
      • everyones friend.enemies none.
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4881: Sep 24, 2020 06:09:21 pm
      At my local.
      AJ
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 6,430 posts | 124 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4882: Nov 07, 2020 09:23:02 pm
      AJ
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 6,430 posts | 124 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4883: Nov 07, 2020 10:06:13 pm
      A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

      The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

      They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

      At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

      "You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

      The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

      "My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

      The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

      "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks on time."

      Too much, too cute!!! ha ha
      AJ
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 6,430 posts | 124 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4884: Nov 19, 2020 10:42:51 pm
      When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
      When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
      In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
      When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
      When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
      When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
      I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

      **********************************************************************************************
      One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
      MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
      SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
      MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
      SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
      MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
      SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
      MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"


      Golden  ;D ;D ;D ;D :lmao:
      AJ
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 6,430 posts | 124 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4885: Nov 29, 2020 10:25:42 pm
      The ever changing influence of VAR on the modern game!
      AJ
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 6,430 posts | 124 
      • Boom!
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4886: Dec 04, 2020 08:24:37 pm
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4887: Dec 12, 2020 07:30:56 pm
      A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband’s temper.

      The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

      The woman says: “ Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. “It scares me.”

      The doctor says,” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

      Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

      The woman says: “ Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband starting losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

      The doctor says:” The water itself does nothing  it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
      Shabs
      • Forum Legend - Shankly
      • ******

      • 25,851 posts | 3791 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4888: Dec 12, 2020 07:38:31 pm
      A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband’s temper.

      The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

      The woman says: “ Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. “It scares me.”

      The doctor says,” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

      Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

      The woman says: “ Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband starting losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

      The doctor says:” The water itself does nothing  it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

      😂
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4889: Dec 12, 2020 07:55:07 pm
      Tommy got kicked out of class today.

      The teacher asked him, if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Jane, £5 to Clair, and £5 to Katie, what would you have?

      Apparently....Three blowjobs and enough or a kebab was the wrong answer!
      bigbob75
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
      • ******
      • 795 posts | 166 
      • Let's talk about six
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4890: Jan 28, 2021 09:03:01 pm
      I had a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning out-of-the-blue'

      We lost track of time, chatting about the wild times we used to enjoy together.

      I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

      "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

      "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

      She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

      "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

      She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

      She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

      Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

      So I told her to f**k off.
      Shabs
      • Forum Legend - Shankly
      • ******

      • 25,851 posts | 3791 
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4891: Jan 28, 2021 09:07:23 pm
      Matip.

      Quick Reply