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      Jokes Thread

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      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4875: Feb 28, 2020 04:05:42 pm
      The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

      Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

      The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh*t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4876: Feb 28, 2020 04:07:07 pm
      A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

      You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

      So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

      Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

      She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

      'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

      So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

      Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

      'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

      She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

      'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

      Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

      PLEASE NOTE:

      To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

      The first floor has wives that love sex.

      The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

      The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4877: Apr 14, 2020 10:07:41 pm
      Before all this lockdown I was barred from the gym for knocking out a member of staff, I overheard my wifes instructor say "she has a good clean snatch"......
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4878: Apr 20, 2020 08:58:48 pm
      Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

      "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
      Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

      The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
      "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

      The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
      "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

      The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

      Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

      The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4879: Apr 21, 2020 07:09:10 pm
      God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

      The woman said she would try her best.

      God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

      “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer, and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right there and then.

      “ They don’t like that in heaven”, said God.

      The woman replied: “ They’re not too happy about it in Lidl either!”
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4880: Jul 01, 2020 02:23:38 pm
      Just bought a facemask in the shape of a ducks head?......fits the bill I suppose.

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