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      Jokes Thread

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      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4876: Nov 07, 2020 09:23:02 pm
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4877: Nov 07, 2020 10:06:13 pm
      A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

      The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

      They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

      At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

      "You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

      The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

      "My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

      The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

      "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks on time."

      Too much, too cute!!! ha ha
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4878: Nov 19, 2020 10:42:51 pm
      When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
      When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
      In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
      When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
      When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
      When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
      I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

      **********************************************************************************************
      One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
      MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
      SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
      MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
      SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
      MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
      SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
      MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"


      Golden  ;D ;D ;D ;D :lmao:
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4879: Nov 29, 2020 10:25:42 pm
      The ever changing influence of VAR on the modern game!
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4880: Dec 04, 2020 08:24:37 pm
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4881: Dec 12, 2020 07:30:56 pm
      A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband’s temper.

      The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

      The woman says: “ Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. “It scares me.”

      The doctor says,” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

      Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

      The woman says: “ Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband starting losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

      The doctor says:” The water itself does nothing  it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
      shabbadoo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4882: Dec 12, 2020 07:38:31 pm
      A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband’s temper.

      The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

      The woman says: “ Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. “It scares me.”

      The doctor says,” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

      Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

      The woman says: “ Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband starting losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

      The doctor says:” The water itself does nothing  it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

      😂
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4883: Dec 12, 2020 07:55:07 pm
      Tommy got kicked out of class today.

      The teacher asked him, if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Jane, £5 to Clair, and £5 to Katie, what would you have?

      Apparently....Three blowjobs and enough or a kebab was the wrong answer!
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4884: Jan 28, 2021 09:03:01 pm
      I had a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning out-of-the-blue'

      We lost track of time, chatting about the wild times we used to enjoy together.

      I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

      "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

      "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

      She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

      "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

      She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

      She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

      Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

      So I told her to f**k off.
      shabbadoo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4885: Jan 28, 2021 09:07:23 pm
      Matip.
      what-a-hit-son
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4886: Apr 16, 2021 02:46:21 am
      As my jizz dropped down my wife’s chin, I looked her in the eyes and asked “do you like that?”

      “No” she replied. “What the f**k is in this sandwich?!”
      what-a-hit-son
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4887: Apr 16, 2021 02:47:56 am
      I remember last time I was on a caravan holiday with the mrs ..
      "Any chance of a blow job?" I whispered to the mrs when we were in bed.
      "For f**k's sake!" she said, "My sister is in the bed over there!"
      "Good point," I said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"....
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4888: May 12, 2021 08:29:29 pm
      An English bloke went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor:
      "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
      The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the shrapnel."
      "What's the bad news?" Asked the hunter.
      "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shrapnel damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
      "Well I guess that isn't too bad." The hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
      "Not exactly." Answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes!"!
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4889: Jun 06, 2021 09:01:27 am
      Jennifer, a manager at Bunnings, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

       

       The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

       

       The first man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

       

       "That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir?" she asked the second man.

       

       “Hmmm... let me see "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

       "Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

       

       She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

       "Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.

       

      "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

       

       Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. "It 's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

       

       Turning to Russ, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

       Old Russ replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."

       

       "WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

       

       "Oh sure," said Russ. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself.."

       

      Russell is now working at a Bunnings near you!
      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4890: Jul 20, 2022 08:00:08 pm
      After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
      About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
      As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
      I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
      The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be f**king stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
      I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fu**ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4891: Aug 04, 2022 09:05:45 am
      Can't help but think it's true.
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4892: Aug 04, 2022 10:07:04 am
      Can't help but think it's true.

      Any excuse to hoist prices, we were told off shore oil would benefit consumers but what did they do? Sell the sites to other countries!
      We pay the highest price for fuel in the world.
      waltonl4
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4893: Aug 04, 2022 01:10:38 pm
      Any excuse to hoist prices, we were told off shore oil would benefit consumers but what did they do? Sell the sites to other countries!
      We pay the highest price for fuel in the world.

      if they had just passed on their increased Costs then there Profit would remain similar to last years but they have passed on the Costs and added more to add to their already huge profits we are being right Royally screwed left right and centre.
      Keith Singleton
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4894: Aug 04, 2022 07:31:06 pm
      After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
      About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
      As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
      I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
      The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be f**king stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
      I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fu**ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."

      Just made my day that.  :lmao:
      Harrisimo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4895: Sep 11, 2022 11:31:18 am
      Old joke  always makes me laugh.

      Scruffy little kid at the back of the class..." Miss I haven't gorra pencil"

      Prim & propper.." No Johnny, we say...Miss I can't find my pencil..Miss may I have a pencil.. Miss we have no pencils.. Miss they're no pencils..."

      Johnny..." Well 'ooose got all the fucken pencils then.."
      bigbob75
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4896: Nov 17, 2022 10:22:14 am
      An elderly  couple, who were both widowed, had been going  out with
      each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided
      it was  finally time to get married.  Before the  wedding, they went
      out to dinner and had a long  conversation regarding how their
      marriage  might work.  They discussed finances,  living arrangements
      and so  on.
      Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
      subject of their physical relationship.
       'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
       'I would like  it infrequently' she  replied.
       The old  gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over  towards
      her and whispered  -  'Is that one  word or two?'

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