Jokes Thread

Two old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football and we played together for many years. Do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says "If it's at all possible, I'II do it."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
A couple of nights later, Mike is awakened by a flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike..
Mike..
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly.
"Mike. It's me, Joe.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
*'*Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven, all our old friends who died before us are here, too and we're all young again. Best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
'*That's fantastic," says Mike. "What could possibly be the bad news? "
*You're in the team for Saturday."

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" and
that also ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mother has one and she says it eats F***ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"