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      Jokes Thread

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      Nicola
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #46: Mar 22, 2007 09:49:14 pm
      HAHAHAAH I love them!!
      Rafa La Bamba
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #47: Mar 22, 2007 10:43:52 pm
      Heres a few oldies!! ;D

      John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

      One day John got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you.... but the girl said "NO! "

      John said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
      I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

      She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

      Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call .

      Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

      She said "HE USED COINS!!!"

      Hahaha feckin joker ;D
      RED1028
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #48: Mar 23, 2007 12:20:11 am
      John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...
      :D :D :D Fantastic!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

      An English teacher is discovering how her class of 8 year olds are coping with grammar, especially the use of long words in sentences.

      She asks "Does anyone know any long words and can they put them in a sentence with an explanation for the class?"

      "Miss, miss, miss!" said a young girl. "Yes Emily! What is your word in a sentence with an explanation?"

      "When I get to school the teacher does registration. That means she checks who is present or absent."

      "Very good Emily! Anyone else?" said the teacher.

      "Me Miss, me, me!" shouted Katie. "My Dad was disappointed his horse came last in it's race. Disappointed means failed to fulfill the hopes or expectations of, in this case my Dads' hopes and expectations were that he had hoped his horse had a better finishing position but it didn't so he was disappointed!"

      "Amazing Katie, very good!" said the teacher in awe. " Wow! Anyone else?"

      Silence for a moment then Johnny stuck his hand up. "I've got one," he said.

      "Contagious," he said proudly.
      "There was a storm what blew our neighbors' fence over and my Dad said
      "It'll take that c*nt ages to put it back up!"
      « Last Edit: Mar 23, 2007 12:22:31 am by RED1028 »
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #49: Mar 23, 2007 11:11:30 am
      A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
      "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

      His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
      "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

      The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
      banksiemagic
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #50: Mar 23, 2007 03:02:31 pm
      man gets caught by the farmer having sex with one of his sheep. the farmer takes the man off down to the local police station where he is interviewed......

      PC: this sheep you were having it off with, was it male or female?
      man: it was female of course - what do you take me for - a pervert?!
      « Last Edit: Mar 23, 2007 03:04:15 pm by banksiemagic »
      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #51: Mar 25, 2007 12:16:34 am
      Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
      saying: 

      "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

      "OH NO!"  the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

      His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
      president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

      'How many is a Brazillion ??!'
      batman0077
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #52: Mar 25, 2007 05:42:26 am
      Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
      saying: 

      "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

      "OH NO!"  the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

      His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
      president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

      'How many is a Brazillion ??!'

      welcome to america

      ok, i got a good one... two men walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

      i know, i'm not funny.
      Rafa La Bamba
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #53: Mar 25, 2007 01:20:13 pm
      A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

      Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down. ...

      EddieC
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #54: Mar 25, 2007 03:14:58 pm


       :D :D :D
      Red-Paul
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #55: Mar 26, 2007 04:58:59 pm
      A Quickie

      A three legged dog limps into a saloon and looks round and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw
      I'll get me coat
      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #56: Mar 26, 2007 06:25:12 pm
      David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
      Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
      "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
      "Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #57: Mar 26, 2007 10:11:35 pm
      The Irish
       
       
       Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
      His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
      "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
      " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
      "That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
      "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
      "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
      That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


      **********************************************************************************************************
      An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
      of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
      A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
      "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
      "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
      "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
      "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
      "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
      "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


      ***********************************************************************************************************

      Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
      "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
      "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
      "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
      "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
      I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
      Finally, she looked up at Tim.
      "How did it happen, Tim?"

      "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

      "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
      "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



      ************************************************************************************************************

      Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
      He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
      She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
      The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
      She says, "That he did, Father."
      The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
      She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


      *********************************************************************************************************

      AND THE BEST FOR LAST

      A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
      The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
      Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
      The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either
      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #58: Mar 26, 2007 10:22:03 pm
      An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

      "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

      "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

      "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite

                                                                                                                                                                 
       
      Red-Paul
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #59: Mar 28, 2007 08:44:50 am
      Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.One said to the other "That there gal is having a bad time!"

      The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"

      "You bet,"  Said the first guy,and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.

      He said, "Can you speak?"

      She again shook her head no.With that,he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,with great relief.

      Back to his friend,he said "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver always works."
      « Last Edit: Mar 28, 2007 08:46:51 am by Red-Paul »
      Johnnowhite
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #60: Mar 28, 2007 04:08:59 pm
      Little Jewish bloke was crossing the busy road in New York when he's hit by a yellow cab. A passing Catholic priest witnesses the whole thing and seeing the battered and crumpled body of the old Jew lying in the road he rushes out to offer comfort.
       
      Says the priest whilst blessing the old fella "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit?"

      The old Jew opens one eye and says "Here I am dying and you're asking me riddles?"



      An old fella of 94 rushes into the confessional box and shouts "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I fu**ed the arse off two 22 year old waitresses this morning for a couple of hours."

      The priest says "You're a disgrace - what kind of Catholic are you?"

      The old fella replies "I'm not a Catholic - I'm Jewish."

      The priest says "Well what are you in here for telling me?"

      The old fella says "Telling YOU? I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
      « Last Edit: Mar 28, 2007 04:09:42 pm by Johnnowhite »
      mrtommo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #61: Mar 28, 2007 08:12:17 pm
      Eskimo on holiday in Wales, suddenly the car he is driving breaks down.
      So he rings for the A.A.
      After a while, the A.A. man turns up and starts to examine the engine,
      "You've blown a seal" he tells the eskimo,
      "Fcuk you" replies the eskimo, "you sh4g sheep !!"
      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #62: Mar 28, 2007 08:53:39 pm
      Half time England 0 Andorra 0 hilarious the biggest joke on this thread
      Red-Paul
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #63: Mar 29, 2007 07:28:46 pm
      A Liverpool Fan walking along the beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a genie.
      I will grant you three wishes said the genie.But there is a catch.
      What catch ? the man asked
      The genie replied,Every time you make a eish every man utd fan in the world will recieve double the wish you were granted.
      Well I can live with that!No problem replied the man.
      What is your first wish asked the genie
      Well I always wanted a Ferrari
      POOF ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man
      Now every Man Utd fan in the world has two Ferraris said the genie.Next Wish?
      I'd love a million pounds replied the man
      POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet
      Now every Man Utd fan has two million pounds said the genie
      Well that's okay as long as I've got my million replied the man
      What is your third and final wish?
      The man thought long and hard and finally said,Well you know I've always wanted to donate a Kidney.....
      mrtommo
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #64: Mar 29, 2007 07:50:10 pm
      A Liverpool Fan walking along the beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a genie.
      I will grant you three wishes said the genie.But there is a catch.
      What catch ? the man asked
      The genie replied,Every time you make a eish every man utd fan in the world will recieve double the wish you were granted.
      Well I can live with that!No problem replied the man.
      What is your first wish asked the genie
      Well I always wanted a Ferrari
      POOF ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man
      Now every Man Utd fan in the world has two Ferraris said the genie.Next Wish?
      I'd love a million pounds replied the man
      POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet
      Now every Man Utd fan has two million pounds said the genie
      Well that's okay as long as I've got my million replied the man
      What is your third and final wish?
      The man thought long and hard and finally said,Well you know I've always wanted to donate a Kidney.....

      quality mate.
      Rafa La Bamba
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #65: Mar 29, 2007 08:52:47 pm
      A Liverpool Fan walking along the beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a genie.
      I will grant you three wishes said the genie.But there is a catch.
      What catch ? the man asked
      The genie replied,Every time you make a eish every man utd fan in the world will recieve double the wish you were granted.
      Well I can live with that!No problem replied the man.
      What is your first wish asked the genie
      Well I always wanted a Ferrari
      POOF ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man
      Now every Man Utd fan in the world has two Ferraris said the genie.Next Wish?
      I'd love a million pounds replied the man
      POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet
      Now every Man Utd fan has two million pounds said the genie
      Well that's okay as long as I've got my million replied the man
      What is your third and final wish?
      The man thought long and hard and finally said,Well you know I've always wanted to donate a Kidney.....

      Thats the best on here so far, the humor prize goes to you :laugh:
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #66: Mar 29, 2007 09:33:05 pm
      Come in number 10....

      After argentina's attempt to retire diego maradonna's number 10 shirt was rejected by FIFA, the Argentinian manager has allocated the shirt to the third goalkeeper, meaning that the argentine number 10 will be allowed to use his hands.

      No change there then.


      Ulrika Jonson was caught masturbating with a mobile phone the other day... Not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her then!


      Q: What is the difference between everton and Foot And Mouth?
      A: Foot And Mouth made it to Europe!!!!!!!


      At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Tesco's on Saturday - that is of course unless you're an everton fan!

       
      A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.


      The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "everton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

       
      British Rail have decided to start sponsoring everton. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.


      Our club manager won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall. He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said, "Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."
      Rafa La Bamba
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #67: Mar 29, 2007 10:12:30 pm
      On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

      The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

      "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

      After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"


      ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ _________


      How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

      Scroll Down. --->

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

      <----- Scroll Up.

      ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________

      A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

      "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

      She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

      The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

      She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

      "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

      ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ _____________

      A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
      stev_17
      • Forum David Johnson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #68: Mar 30, 2007 12:15:34 am
      A liverpool fan was driving home after thrashing man utd 3-0. The liverpool fan saw a preist asking for a ride home and decided its the only right thing to do. As he was driving the preist home, he saw a man utd fan walking in the street. He was tempted to run the scum over, so he speed up to him until he was about to hit him, then suddenly remebered the preist was in the back, so he quickly swerved away and narrowly missed him but there was still a loud bang. The liverpool fan said to the preist "im sorry father i almost hit that person", the preist replied "dont worry i hit the f**ker with my door!!"

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