Jokes Thread

love it   



DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab
a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son.'

Thats the best I've heard in a long time!!

Whats the population of Austria? A lot more than youd think.

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bi*ch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, was in France in a strawberry crushing competition I came second. First place went to a woman with no legs...... jammy c**t.

DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab
a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son.'

Anesthesiologist business card:

When you care enough to sleep with the very best.

**************************************

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

 

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

 

 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

 

 

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit please back in.'

**************************

 

 

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed'

**************************

 

 

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

**************************

 

 

On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

 

 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

 

 

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

**************************

 

 

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

 

 

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

 

 

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

 

 

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

 

 

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff'

**************************

 

 

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

 

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

 

 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

 

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

 

 

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

 

 

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

 

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

 

 

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

 

 

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak

Interesting Year 1981
    1. Prince Charles got married

    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

    3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket) tournament

    4. The Pope Died

 

  Interesting Year 2005

    1. Prince Charles got married

    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

    3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket) tournament

    4. The Pope Died

 

  Lesson Learned?

  The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

Love the signs frizzby

OH my godddd you guys made me laugh so much AussieRed you are coming up with some quality jokes mate

Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m sooo hungry, what can we eat?”

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, “How about some Baskin Robbins?”
*************************************************************************

Q:What do a rooster and a blond have in common?
A:The rooster says “cockoldoodledoo” and the blond says,” any cock ull do”

I don't get that robins one

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she
lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves
would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
 
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a
dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a
pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron
sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following
letter:...........
 
________________________ ________________________ _________________
Dear Sasha,
 
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are
easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
 
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to
wash it since she began wearing them.
 
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you
again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit
because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
 
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
 
All my love
 
Ron.
 
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.

 

I don't get that robins one

Nor me

A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."



Some sheep farmers in mid-Wales have formed a society of teetotalers.

There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time.

One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.



An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New
Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their
first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he
leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my
country......" The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards,
calling out the same words. Then the New Zealanders ripped the
parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and
cried, "I am doing this for my country

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.


In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Making me smile , AJ  cheers !

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

I don't get that robins one

Its an ice cream company/shop.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

love it 

A Chinese man, white American, and African American are on a plane.
Midway through the flight they realise that there is too much weight on board the plane, and decide to throw off one item each.
The Chinese man went first an calmy picked up a bag of rice, and threw it out the plane.
He explained to the other two, that there was so much rice in his country, one bag wouldn't hurt.
The others thought that his logic was good.
So the African American following by example picked up some dirty rags
Explaining to the others he said 'well there's so much like this that we don't need anymore in my neighbourhood'
Then the white American walks up to the African American and picks him up and throws him out the window.
The Chinese man was amazed, but the white American calmly explained 'there's so many of them in my country, one less won't hurt'

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,  'Where in the
hell  have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a  tattoo.'


'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'


'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.


'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.


'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'


'Well, one, I like to watch my  money grow.


Two, once in a while I like to play with my  money.


Three, I like how money feels in my hand.


And,  lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.


________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________

Two ladies talking in heaven:
 
     
1st woman:     Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman:    Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?   

1st woman:     I Froze to Death.

2nd woman:    How Horrible!   

1st woman:     It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:    I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:     So, what happened?

2nd woman:    I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:     Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.



 


 

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

*************************************************************************
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

I'm in stitches!

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men walk up to the top of a really really tall building, and all decide to throw something they don't want off the edge.
The first man throws off an axe, and runs down the bottom to see if anything happened.
When he reachs the bottom he sees a young girl crying, he says 'What's wrong?'
She replies 'An axe fell out of the sky and hit my daddy, and he's bleeding everywhere'
The second goes, and throws off a bowling ball.
He rushes down to the bottom to see what happened and when he gets there he sees a young boy crying.
He approaches the boy and says 'Whats wrong son?'
The boy replies 'A bowling ball dropped from the sky and squashed my Mum'
The third man throws off a grenade, before rushing to see what happened.
He reachs the bottom and sees a young girl in hysterics.
He says 'What happened?'
She replies, 'I farted and my friends house blew up.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

There are three dolls in a man's life.
 
His daughter is his 'Baby Doll'.
 
His girlfriend is his 'Barbie Doll.
 
His wife is his 'Panadol'.




A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year'.





A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection
that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year'.

Love this one, so true!   

Aussie, Excellent as usual