Jokes Thread

What does a Chelsea fan do when they win the champions league?


Turns off the playstation.

classic kelv78 :     

Jose Mourhino goes to the doctors,

"Doctor, you will have to give me some viagra"
"Why?" Replies the Doc
"Because I cant get past a Semi!"

Joke of the year courtesy of Mr Mourinho

'Chelsea were the best team over 120 minutes'

 

An oldie but a goldie......... well worth the read..........


The year is 2007 and little bluenose Wayne is talking to his bluenose DAD.

SON "Dad, my mates in school told me that Liverpool won the European Cup for the 5th time in 2005 - are they right dad?

DAD "Yes son, it's true, but they were dead lucky son, all the way through the tournament"

SON "Why dad?"

DAD "Well in the group stages ....."

SON "What dad, did they have a team from Azerbaijan, Israel, and Ireland in their group?"

DAD "Well no, they had Monaco, Deportivo la Coruna, and Olympiakos"

SON "Well they still sound like 3 easy teams to me dad"

DAD "Actually Monaco reached the final the year before, Olympiakos had won their league 7 times out of the previous 8 seasons, and Deportivo finished above the galacticos of Real Madrid in their league".

SON "Jeez dad, that sounds like quite a difficult group then".

DAD "yeh I suppose your right son, but they were still lucky - it took a mighty shot by Gerrard against Olympiakos to get through".

SON "oh is that the goal were your hero Andy Gray goes berserk shouting "you beauty, you beauty, what a hit son, what a hit!!!!"

 

DAD "yes son it is"

SON "oh ok. Well what happened in the last 16 dad, who did they draw?"

DAD "Bayer Leverkusen"

SON "Bayer who?"

DAD "Exactly son, but they had beaten Real Madrid 3-0 at home, and won their group that included Dinamo Kiev and Roma too."

SON "bloody hell dad, they sound good".

DAD "yes, I suppose you're right son"

SON "so did they win on away goals or something"

DAD "errrrr, no, they won both legs 3-1 each"

SON "oh - well who next then dad"

DAD "Juventus"

SON "How the f#ck did they get past them Dad?"

DAD "Well they did - they won 2-1 at home, and cruised to a 0-0 away draw without Juve having hardly any chances".

SON "were Juve sh#t at that time - had all their decent players gone or something?"

DAD "well actually they still had players like Del Piero, Nedved, Ibrahimovic, Thuram, and Buffon in the side. And they won Serie A a few weeks later."

SON "wow, they beat the Italian champions elect - which piss easy team did they get in the semi then?"

DAD "Chelsea"

SON "Chelsea - for f#cks sake - what a piss easy draw - they've won nothing, Everton have won more than them".

DAD "well that season they won the Premiership with a record number of points and the League Cup but the Red ****s didn't let them score in 180 minutes of football"

SON "Jesus Christ - so Liverpool beat the English Champions elect too"

DAD "yes son, they bloody well did".

SON "so after all that I suppose all the good teams had been knocked out"

DAD "not quite son, AC Milan awaited them in the final"

SON "no way - aren't they the 2nd most successful team in the competition's history".

DAD "yes son they are"

SON "so were Liverpool lucky because Milan had all their good players out with injuries"

DAD "no - they had Shevchenko, Crespo, Maldini, Nesta, Cafu, Kaka, Stam, Dida, Gattuso, Pirlo, and Seedorf".

SON "your 'avin a laff"

DAD "it gets worse son, Milan were cruising 3-0 up at half-time".

SON "what happened, did they have 3 men sent off in the second half, how did Liverpool get back into the game?"

DAD "no, Milan had no men sent off, the Red ****s scored 3 goals in 6
minutes"

SON "against the best defence in Europe"

DAD "yes!!!, against the best defence in Europe"

SON "so what happened next - extra time?"

DAD "yes son, and Dudek made the luckiest save ever to stop a Shevchenko shot from a yard"

SON "why was it lucky dad - did it hit him on the arse, nose, shoulder or something"

DAD "no son, his hand"

SON "well aren't goalies meant to save shots with their hands"

DAD "yeah but that's besides the point"

SON "then what"

DAD "penalties!"

SON "English teams are crap at penalties"

DAD "not this f#ckin time they weren't - they only missed one. And that's how Liverpool became the luckiest team to win the European Cup".

SON "but I bet when they brought the cup home there was hardly anyone to watch as all Liverpool fans live anywhere but Liverpool you say. How mny was there, 5,,000 or so?"

DAD "1 million people lined the streets".

SN "so let's get this straight dad - Liverpool had 3 good teams in their group, they then knocked out a team who had beaten Real Madrid 3-0, they then knocked out the future Serie A champions, then knocked out the future Premiership champions, before coming back from 3-0 down to at the 2nd most successful club in Europe. And then the whole opulation of Liverpool came out to welcome them home!!!!

DAD "that about sums it up son"

SON "dad?"

DAD "yes son"

SON "can I have a Liverpool shirt for my birthday next week, and can you stop calling me Wayne - I'm Stevie from now on"

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper
according to
lights and darks
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband
along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note
to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long
loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes
until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body
wash. Rinse
conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair
in super
absorbent
towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.
If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the
woo-woo
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the
size of
your
wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Stick head out
of shower
to
admire and laugh at it in the mirror.
 
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of
tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
wife,
pull off
towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound
again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Have a great day! Oh,
and.....

Woo-Woo!!!
 

have you been hiding in my bathroom! !

Man Utd squad and their WAGS are believed to be in the West End today auditioning for the parts of Danny and Sandy.....

It's a last ditch attempt to play in Grease....

Man Utd squad and their WAGS are believed to be in the West End today auditioning for the parts of Danny and Sandy.....

It's a last ditch attempt to play in Grease....

  Love it!!

Champions League semi finalists losers Manchester United and Chelsea will play a third placed play off game. It will be played on the 19th May at the new Wembley. Its called the FA Cup Final


Following the recent controversy concerning GMTV competitions.
Manchester United today annouced they are to sue UEFA for allowing them
to enter a competition they too had no chance of winning

Following the recent controversy concerning GMTV competitions.
Manchester United today annouced they are to sue UEFA for allowing them
to enter a competition they too had no chance of winning

too true...

>I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W
>
>and standing in line at the check out.
>
>
>
>The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
>
>
>On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
>
>again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
>
>hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in
>
>intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
>IVs
>in both arms.
>
>
>
>I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
>
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
>
>one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
>nutritionally
>complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
>
>enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
>
>
>
>Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
>
>because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
>
>sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
>
>
>I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
>
>hard as he staggered out the door.
>
>
>
>Stupid bi*ch... why else would I buy dog food??
>

Fella walks into the pub, and orders a pint from the barman. The barman pours his drink, but cant take his eyes off this bloke, because although he's a huge, muscular guy, he has a head the size of a tennis ball. After a few more pints, the barman finally ask the guy about this unusual affliction. "well" he replies, " It all happened a few years ago, when I was in the Navy"..........." we were going round the Cape Of Good Hope, when we ran into a terrible storm, and the next thing I remember I was waking up on a dessert Island......... the only survivor. Well eventually I got my sh*t together, built a shelter, sorted out food and made some sort of life for myself, whilst awaiting rescue. Then one morning I went down to the beach, as I did most days, looking for any passing ships. When out of the corner of my eye, I noticed, what looked like a body lying washed up on the beach. I quickly raced over to help, and to my amazement, what I thought was a body. Turned out to be an ailing Mermaid. Well I dragged her up out of the surf and quickly administered the kiss of life and after about 5 minutes, she finally came round. Well as you can imagine, she was over joyed with the Fact that I'd saved her life, and by way of gratitude. She said she could grant me 3 wishes. Wish number one was easy, three years I'd been there, so three years supply of the Pink Echo so I could catch up on my beloved Liverpool Football Club, was my first choice. My second wish was beer, as far as the eye could see, there were crates and crates of lager. Finnally I built up enough courage to make my third and final wish. Three years I've been here, I told her, and in all that time I haven't had as much as a sniff of any sex whatsoever. So for my final wish, would it be alright if we made love for the rest of the day. Alas she poured scorn over my final request " unfortunately she told me, I am a mermaid, therefore human sex is impossible" "well" I said "how about a little head" !!!!!
A snowman shouts over to his pal in the next garden " aye mate can you smell carrots?"

this is pretty funny, hope some of you try it if you haven't seen it before:


>Follow the instructions below.. Its a HOOT!!!!
>
>Google will probably find this out and fix it pretty quickly.
>
>How do people find this stuff?
>
>Follow these steps [in order of course]
>
>1. go to www.google.co.uk
>
>2. click on maps
>
>3. click on get directions
>
>4. go from " new york " to " london , england "
>
>5. scroll down in the directions to number 24
>
>6. have a laugh 

now thats a challenge 

maybe David Walliams could try it for comic relief if he made a million for crossing the channel he could get enough to end world hunger

In connection with the burglary of Pepe Reinas house during 2nd leg of champions league semi final, police have announced they are looking to speak to Mr F.Lampard of London whose where abouts between 7:45 and 10:15 on the night in question are completely unknown

In connection with the burglary of Pepe Reinas house during 2nd leg of champions league semi final, police have announced they are looking to speak to Mr F.Lampard of London whose where abouts between 7:45 and 10:15 on the night in question are completely unknown

sorry mate but he's got an alibi now, He was seen in Steven Gerrard's back pocket between those hours.

sorry mate but he's got an alibi now, He was seen in Steven Gerrard's back pocket between those hours.

Must have been a big pocket ,have you seen the size of FAT FRANK...

Yeh hes huge

this is pretty funny, hope some of you try it if you haven't seen it before:


>Follow the instructions below.. Its a HOOT!!!!
>
>Google will probably find this out and fix it pretty quickly.
>
>How do people find this stuff?
>
>Follow these steps [in order of course]
>
>1. go to www.google.co.uk
>
>2. click on maps
>
>3. click on get directions
>
>4. go from " new york " to " london , england "
>
>5. scroll down in the directions to number 24
>
>6. have a laugh 

Brilliant 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can
bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about
it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend  only $150?"  The man replied, "Long ago a man died
here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can
bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about
it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend  only $150?"  The man replied, "Long ago a man died
here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

 

Ireland's Best Joke of 2006

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the

teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my

mum said it was contagious."

 

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

 

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says

there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

 

Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next

door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad

says it will take the contagious.