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      Jokes Thread

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      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #598: Jun 03, 2008 02:04:09 pm
      cheers AJ & RedPuppy :ernaehrung004:
      MsGerrard
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #599: Jun 03, 2008 02:23:06 pm
      Aussie Red..........I've been catching up on all your jokes this morning since I've been away, what on earth have you been drinking :lmao: had me in stitches anyway :laugh:

      Cheers mate.
      Bpatel
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #600: Jun 03, 2008 02:45:06 pm
      When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
      When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
      In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
      When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
      When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
      When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
      I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

      **********************************************************************************************
      One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
      MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
      SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
      MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
      SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
      MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
      SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
      MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #601: Jun 04, 2008 06:11:07 am
       ::)

       :lmao: :lmao:

      excellent Bpatel
      smigger15
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #602: Jun 05, 2008 09:49:30 pm

          LOVE MAKING

          The Italian says, 'When I've a finished a makina DA love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
          6 inches above a DA bed in ecstacy.'

          The Frenchman replies. Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and Zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz    mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in Pure ecstasy.

          The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the Ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my Weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.'
      Bpatel
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #603: Jun 06, 2008 10:01:02 am
      Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
      A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
      ********************************************************************************

      After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
      "If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.
      So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
      A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.
      "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.
      "Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.
      The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"
      ***********************************************************************************************************************

      While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
      Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
      Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #604: Jun 06, 2008 12:47:56 pm
      Great jokes Bpatel how are we by the way ?





       An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

      The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
      I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy,' and that's why. I'm in such good shape.' I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of whiskey and all is well.'

      'Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

      "Who said my Dad's dead?"

      The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

      "He's 100 years old", says the Old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Irish and he's a golfer, too.

      "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

      "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

      Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

      "He's 118 years old", says the Old Irish golfer.

      The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

      "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

      At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

      "Who said he wanted to?"

       

      Bpatel
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #605: Jun 06, 2008 12:56:51 pm
      Great jokes Bpatel how are we by the way ?

      Thanks.  ;D

      I am fine, just relaxing and sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. My next exam is the 16th June and can't be bothered to start revising for it, I've got plenty of time left.
      You?
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #606: Jun 06, 2008 01:03:30 pm
      ???
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #607: Jun 06, 2008 01:03:31 pm
      Sat on my balcony here in suuny Spain topping up my tan !
       I have just got my new car, so I'm ready for picking my daughter and wife up from school in 2hrs, we shouldn't have got it whilst sunday so will be a surprise for them !
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #608: Jun 06, 2008 01:05:50 pm
      ??? you been smoking Don's socks fizzby?
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #609: Jun 06, 2008 01:09:30 pm
      don't need socks out here AJ ! Too F***ing warm  ;D
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #610: Jun 06, 2008 01:25:05 pm
      Sat on my balcony here in suuny Spain topping up my tan !
       I have just got my new car, so I'm ready for picking my daughter and wife up from school in 2hrs, we shouldn't have got it whilst sunday so will be a surprise for them !

      What's the punchline?

      don't need socks out here AJ ! Too F***ing warm  ;D

      Spliff?
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #611: Jun 06, 2008 01:26:56 pm
      i'ts not a joke AJ it's a reply to Bpatel  ;D
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #612: Jun 06, 2008 01:29:21 pm
      Oh I see sorry it went on a new page and just looked like you posted a new joke like.
      Bpatel
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #613: Jun 07, 2008 12:45:12 pm
      The Worst Hijacking

      We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.
      On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
      "We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
      "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

      ************************************************************************************

      In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer.
      "Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
      AussieRed
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #614: Jun 09, 2008 01:15:17 am
      Buy or Rent?   
      I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. 

      After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
      Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
      On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's ( Governor of New York) call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?
      But...
      Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).
      Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
      Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

      ***********************************************************************************************

      TAKING A  WOMAN TO BED 


      What is the  difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?   



      At 8 -- You  take her to bed and tell her a story. 



                     
      At 18 -- You  tell her a story and take her to bed.   






      At 28 -- You  don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.







      At 38 -- She  tells you a story and takes you to bed. 






      At 48 -- She  tells you a story to avoid going to bed.





      At 58 -- You  stay in bed to avoid her story.   







      At 68 -- If  you take her to bed, that'll be a story!







      At 78 -- What  story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???   

       


       
       


       
       


       
       

       
       


       
       
       




      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #615: Jun 09, 2008 10:53:41 am
      A woman knelt infront of a mirror and said to her husband I'm so fat and ugly, pay me a compliment !
      the husband said your eyesight is superb !
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #616: Jun 09, 2008 01:54:44 pm
      A woman knelt infront of a mirror and said to her husband I'm so fat and ugly, pay me a compliment !
      the husband said your eyesight is superb !

      ;D that's a good one
      frizzby5
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #617: Jun 09, 2008 01:58:19 pm
      A man walks into a bar and see's this georgeous woman and say's "I'd love to get inside your knickers "
      the woman replies "I've already got arsehole in there thanks" !
      Bpatel
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #618: Jun 09, 2008 02:26:59 pm
      A woman knelt infront of a mirror and said to her husband I'm so fat and ugly, pay me a compliment !
      the husband said your eyesight is superb !

      I like that one. 


      A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
      An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
      The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
      The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
      "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
      *************************************************************************************

      Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
      The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
      The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
      The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.
      "STRAWBERRIES ????"
      "Yes, Strawberries."
      He is told "But they are out of season!"
      "So, I'll wait."
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #619: Jun 09, 2008 03:21:12 pm
      what was the first dinosaur in Liverpool called? DoYouThinkHeSawUs.

      Dizzy Munchkin
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #620: Jun 09, 2008 07:22:56 pm
      An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.  The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

      Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

      Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

      Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In France , we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

      The Englishman listens in silence.

      The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

      Englishman: "Of Course."

      Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

      "We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."

      After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

      Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

      Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

      Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

      Englishman: "We don't.  In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."



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