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      Jokes Thread

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      andylfcynwa
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4784: Oct 04, 2015 04:12:50 pm
      What's the difference between England
      And a tea-bag

      A tea-bag stays in the cup longer

      Boom boom .
      bigears
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4785: Oct 17, 2015 09:30:19 pm
      Paddy and Mary decided to spice up their sex lives , lets have a 69 says Mary  . i don't know what that is says Paddy but i'll give it a go . Lie down there and i'll sit on yer face says Mary , as she does so she farts in Paddys face , i'm sorry Paddy it just came out we'll go again . She tries again but she farted again in Paddys face . Paddy jumped up and says F**k that sh*t i'm not doing that 67 more times .
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4786: Oct 17, 2015 11:43:54 pm
      Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

      "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

      "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
      Firepool
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4787: Oct 25, 2015 01:55:03 am
      A teacher asked the students about who was Manchester United fans.
      All raised their hands except one little girl .
      The teacher asked, " Why are you not a Manchester United fan? "
      " I am a Liverpool fan "
      " Why are you a Liverpool fan? "
      " My father is Liverpool fan and my mother 's Liverpool fan , so therefore I am a Liverpool fan " .
      The teacher says " Thats is no reason .
      "Think about if your father was an idiot and your mother was an idiot , what would you be then? "
      "THEN would have been a Manchester United fan! "
      nevilsarim
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4788: Nov 03, 2015 07:53:15 am
      I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Damm it!

       :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4789: Dec 26, 2015 12:13:32 pm
      beardo number 7
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4790: Jan 07, 2016 02:00:45 pm
      An american man a japanese man and an irishman are all sitting nude in a sauna without a stitch on,suddenly theres a ringing sound but theres nothing in the room at all except for these 3 men. The american says "its ok guys its just my mobile phone? I had it surgically implanted in my arm".Irishman thinks Bee jesus thats bloody clever. It all goes quiet again when theres a loud beeping noise coming from the japanese man."Velly solly" says the japanese man,"its a pager impranted in my head" At this stage the irishman feels a bit daft for not having anything so technologically advanced. He goes out and comes back in with a strip of toilet paper stuck between the cheeks of his arse? "would ya look at that" he says "i,m gettin a fax
      FL Red
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4791: Jan 07, 2016 03:49:30 pm
      Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

      "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

      "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

      You'd figure a silly foreigner would shop at Wal-Mart. ;)
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4792: Jan 07, 2016 05:31:21 pm
      You'd figure a silly foreigner would shop at Wal-Mart. ;)

       :laugh:
      bad boy bubby
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4793: Mar 25, 2016 09:03:06 am
      The Brown paper bag, under the table, in the painting 'The Last Supper'?









       

      Judas's Carryout.


      Taxi.  :f_whistle:
      nikos
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4794: Apr 01, 2016 07:10:39 pm
      Chubby bloke wants to lose weight so he visits a weight loss centre applying a revolutionary 4 level method.Has his weight checked at the reception and gets instructed to proceed to the first storey where he would go through the level 1 of the method.

      As he exits the lift finds a flat, presses the doorbell as instructed and waits. After 9-10 seconds οf anticipation the door opens and a sexy half naked beauty emerges and lustfully beckons. ''Goodness'' he thought ''business with plesure, why not?" as he entered, just nodded and settled for a  ''morning'' endeavouring to hide his excitement. ''the drill is you chase me sir and if you catch me you f**k me, you have 30 minutes.After that and if you haven't cought me a bell goes and you must stop". Go! He runs after her but she was too fast, too agile for him leaping over the sofa, the chairs etc like a kangaroo and our fella without noticing the first 10 mins were gone, then another 10 and then another and therefore on the 30th the bell goes and they both stop. Out of breath  and dripping sweat all over he says ''i'd give up anyway you are running like hell, i'm exhausted". Ok she replies go down at the reception and have your weight checked please, i'm sure you have lost some weight". ''Hope so" he responds and does as he was told to, noticeably disappointed.

      At the reception he steps on the scale and voila' minus 2 pounds!!!iAfter being warmly congratulated was asked if he was happy with the result said of course but he would like to lose some more weight as he explained. They told him that in than case he should proceed to the level 2 and so he does.

      Storey 2,flat, doorbell even sexier lady answers, even more excited our hero. Same procedure ''if you catch me f**k me'' Go!,only this time it was 40 minutes that unfortunately elapse without success. Bell rings,almost dropped with fatigue he hears the lovely woman saying things he already knew.

      Groundfloor, reception, weight minus another 2 pounds, thrilled! " but i need to lose more" so level 3, third storey,even sexier lady than the other two,same rules "if you catch me you f**k me", 45 mins Go! and more effort put by our bloke but with the same result after the bell.

      Reception -1.5 pounds, ''but i need to lose a few more pounds'' ''Well in this case sir you must try our level 4 the ultimate'' as they called it.

      So he ascends on the 4ht storey finds a flat door ajar being sure that this would be the ''ultimate'' woman he we was about to see overwhelmed with ...enthusiasm. Reluctantly walks into the dimly lit flat, takes 2 steps, then another 2 and all of the sudden the a huge,hairy, brutal guy appears out of nowhere (must had been hiding behind the flat door), slams the door, locks it and says ''look mate no time,no bells, no bullshit in here if i catch you i f**k you. Go''!   
      « Last Edit: Apr 02, 2016 04:08:49 pm by nikos »
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4795: Apr 29, 2016 06:43:43 pm
      Woke up this morning to a tap on my door... Funny sense of humour my Plummer has
      ORCHARD RED
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4796: May 02, 2016 07:31:49 pm


      Made me laugh! Probably sums up my sense of humour!
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4797: May 11, 2016 01:35:44 pm
      A five year old girl is usually driven to school by her grandfather but this particular day he had a cold so the girl's granny stepped in.

      That night the little girl told her parents the ride to school with granny was quite different.

      ''What made it different'' asked her parents.

      ''Oh'' she replied ''granny and me never saw a single tosser, blind b***ard, foreign pr**k or w**ker on the way to school today''.
      higgy_sham
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4798: May 11, 2016 01:42:04 pm
      A five year old girl is usually driven to school by her grandfather but this particular day he had a cold so the girl's granny stepped in.

      That night the little girl told her parents the ride to school with granny was quite different.

      You not going to finish that joke off, Stuey?

      Up there with one of my favourites  ;D

      EDIT: Apologies, you just did.
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4799: May 11, 2016 01:43:26 pm
      You not going to finish that joke off, Stuey?

      Up there with one of my favourites  ;D

      EDIT: Apologies, you just did.

      Posted before I finished mate.
      higgy_sham
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4800: May 11, 2016 01:45:26 pm
      Posted before I finished mate.

      Remember my oul' boy telling me that years ago. Loved it then, love it now.  :D
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4801: May 11, 2016 02:55:30 pm
      Remember my oul' boy telling me that years ago. Loved it then, love it now.  :D

      The arl ones are the best mate.
      clint_call01
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4802: Jul 20, 2016 10:09:18 pm
      A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
      She found herself seated next to a nice priest, whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
      "Of course my child, what can I do for you?"
      "Here is the problem: I bought myself a new sophisticated body hair removal gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie," the priest responded, frowning.
      "You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," she said, and she gave him the tool.
      The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs, he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
      "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
      Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
      The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

      Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4803: Aug 12, 2016 12:20:18 pm
      Paddy says to Murphy ''my mate came of his motorbike today''.

      ''Oh really'' says Murphy.

      ''yes he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye'' says Paddy.

      ''F***ing hell'' says Murphy, ''no wonder he came off''.
      what-a-hit-son
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4804: Sep 16, 2016 02:03:10 am
      Sorry...



      Guy walks into a pet shop and says: "I'm after a pet, but not just any pet. I want a special one."

      Pet shop assistant replies: "Great timing. I've just got this cock sucking frog in.

      Guy: "F**k off, no way this frog sucks off."

      Pet shop assistant gets the frog out and passes it to the man and says: "Have a try."

      The man drops his pants and sure enough the frog gets his mouth around his cock and gives him the best suck of his life.

      "I'll take it" the guy says.

      Guy gets home and goes straight to his wife with the frog: "F***ing hell love you'll never believe what I've got here" as he drops his pants.

      The frog performs and the guy comes in the frog's mouth after another amazing blow job.

      His wife says: "And what the F**k do you want me to do about that?"

      Guy replies: " Teach it to cook and F**k off."
      nikos
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4805: Sep 16, 2016 10:09:11 am
      A needle says to another when a hedgehog becomes visible from some distance: ''At last, bus is arriving''.
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4806: Oct 03, 2016 09:54:31 am
      A Manchester school teacher asks her class ''which team they support, raise your hand if it's Man Utd'' she says.

      The whole class raised their hands except for one child.
      She said to the boy ''John which team do you support''?
      ''I support the mighty Liverpool FC'' said John.

      The teacher asked him why.
      ''My mam and dad are both from Liverpool, they support Liverpool and so do I'' said the lad.

      ''Well that doesn't necessarily mean you have to copy them, what if your father was a junkie and your mother was a whore''?
      Quick as a flash John replied ''then I'd support Man U like the rest of you smelly bas**rds''.
      « Last Edit: Oct 03, 2016 10:10:40 am by stuey »

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