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      Jokes Thread

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      nikos
      • Forum Alan Hansen
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4807: Oct 03, 2016 10:59:37 am

      The whole class raised their hands except for one child.
      She said to the boy ''John which team do you support''?
      ''I support the mighty Liverpool FC'' said John.

      Ha, ha so Stuey this means in a Manchester school classroom there are more Lfc fans than Man city! Pathetic!
      « Last Edit: Oct 03, 2016 11:21:02 am by nikos »
      6stringer
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4808: Oct 17, 2016 11:12:09 am
      One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

       "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

       "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto
       and we won, so I bought it with my share of the
       winnings."

       A week later, his wife comes home with a long
       shiny fur coat.

       "Where did you get the coat?" her husband asks.

       She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and
       we won again, so I bought it with my share of the
       winnings."

       Another week later, his wife comes home,
       driving a flaming Ferrari, "How could you afford
       that car?" her husband asks.

       You guessed it: her share of the lotto winnings.

       That night, the wife asks her husband to run her
       a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
       When she enters the bathroom, she finds there
       is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.

      "What's this?" she asks her husband.

      "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your
       lotto ticket wet, do we?"

       ;D
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4809: Oct 22, 2016 08:44:56 am
      A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

      The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the husband.

      "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
      AJ
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4810: Nov 10, 2016 11:47:50 pm
      A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

      The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the husband.

      "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

      Brilliant! love this one
      what-a-hit-son
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      • t: @MrPrice1979 i: @klmprice101518
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4811: Nov 11, 2016 07:27:07 am
      Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

      The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

      The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

      Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

      Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

      Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer
      nikos
      • Forum Alan Hansen
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4812: Feb 04, 2017 08:01:58 am
      Fat, bald men are the best lovers according to research conducted by team of American fat, bald scientists.
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4813: Feb 04, 2017 08:58:24 am
      Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

      The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

      The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

      Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

      Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

      Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer

       ;D
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4814: Feb 04, 2017 04:46:30 pm
      Simon Mignolet
      Frankly, Mr Shankly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4815: Feb 05, 2017 01:05:44 am
      bad boy bubby
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4816: Mar 07, 2017 06:14:24 pm
      So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray... 😆
      FATKOPITE10
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4817: Mar 11, 2017 08:47:59 pm
      So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray... 😆

      His other brother didn't eat meat, he was called veggie kray
      clint_call01
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      • Ynwa... lfc till I die !
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4818: Jul 20, 2017 10:16:11 am
      zz19a
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4819: Jul 20, 2017 10:19:08 am
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4820: Jul 20, 2017 02:40:28 pm
      A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

      "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

      The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

      He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4821: Oct 01, 2017 06:21:00 am
      Scotia
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4822: Oct 04, 2017 10:16:07 am
      I hate it when people ask me about my wife’s job. I always tell them it’s hard to say what she does for a living.

      She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4823: Oct 23, 2017 03:23:43 pm
      Irish 911 call:
      An Irish lady is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidently shoots him.

      Irish woman: "It's my husband, I was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot him, I think I've F***ing killed him".

      Operator: "Please calm down ma'am, can you please make sure your husband is actually dead"?

      *click*  bang.

      Irish woman: "OK I've done that, what now"?

      Baconbutty
      • Forum John Aldridge
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4824: Dec 19, 2017 01:37:11 am
      A fella called Pete is walking through a park one day in the summer when he spots an ice cream van with a sign saying: “We sell EVERY flavour ice cream in the world!”

      Pete walks over and asks if it’s true, if the man behind the counter really is selling EVERY flavour ice cream in the world.

      “Whatever you want, I’ve got!” replies the ice cream man.

      “Ok”, says Pete, “I’ll have sausage and bacon please.”

      Much to Pete’s surprise, the ice cream man hands him a double scooped ice cream cone and says: “£2 please.”

      Pete hands the man £10 and while he’s waiting for his change, has a lick of the ice cream. He can’t believe it when he tastes it; he actually can taste the sausage. He tries another bit but there’s no taste of bacon and he tells the ice cream man.

      “Turn it round” he says. And again much to Pete’s surprise , it really does taste like bacon.

      “Wow, what else have you got?” Asks Pete.

      “Anything you can think of, I’ve got.”

      “Ok then” says Pete, “I’ll have fish and chips please”

      The man hands over another double scooped ice cream and says: “This ones a special, it’s £3. I’ll get your change”.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and it really does taste like chips. But he can’t taste the fish. When he tells the ice cream man, who’s looking through his till for Pete’s change, he shouts: “Turn it round!”

      Pete turns the ice cream around and tastes the other scoop. He’s right; it really does taste like fish.

      “Told you!”, says the ice cream man, “I’ve got EVERY single flavour you can think of behind this counter”.

      “Ok then”, says Pete and he leans over and whispers: “what about fanny?”

      “I’ve already told you, mate” says the ice cream man, “I’ve got every single flavour ice cream behind this counter. That’ll be £5 for the fanny flavour though.”

      He pulls a tub of ice cream out his freezer and grabs a cone from a box above it and makes Pete another double scoop ice cream and hands it over.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and, much to his dismay, it doesn’t taste like fanny at all. In fact, he thinks, it’s the worst flavour ice cream in the world: it tastes like sh*t.

      “Wait a minute fella, this is horrible this. It doesn’t taste like fanny! It tastes like sh*t!” He shouts.

      The fella behind the counter shouts back: “TURN IT ROUND!”

      ConzS
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4825: Jan 21, 2018 12:03:37 am
      Hearing Klopp wants to take the team away for a holiday to Spain and asked Robertson if he had any euros in his pocket and he said nope just sterling still.
      Red fox
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4826: Jan 28, 2018 06:22:44 pm
      Went for s job interview the other day. They asked me how I view lesbian relationships....

      In 3D apparently wasnt  the right answer...
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4827: Jan 29, 2018 03:42:51 pm
      If someone attempts to shoot  President Trump would his bodyguard shout "Donald, duck"?
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4828: Jan 29, 2018 08:45:03 pm
      My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

      Good man, terrible geologist.
      Red fox
      • Forum Youth Player

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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4829: Jan 31, 2018 07:18:36 am
      John , what should we get mom for mothers day?  Last year we bought her a chair....

      John - Lets make it electrical.... ;)

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