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      Jokes Thread

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      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4825: Jul 20, 2017 02:40:28 pm
      A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

      "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

      The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

      He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
      Beerbelly
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4826: Oct 01, 2017 06:21:00 am
      Scotia
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4827: Oct 04, 2017 10:16:07 am
      I hate it when people ask me about my wife’s job. I always tell them it’s hard to say what she does for a living.

      She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4828: Oct 23, 2017 03:23:43 pm
      Irish 911 call:
      An Irish lady is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidently shoots him.

      Irish woman: "It's my husband, I was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot him, I think I've f**king killed him".

      Operator: "Please calm down ma'am, can you please make sure your husband is actually dead"?

      *click*  bang.

      Irish woman: "OK I've done that, what now"?

      Baconbutty
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4829: Dec 19, 2017 01:37:11 am
      A fella called Pete is walking through a park one day in the summer when he spots an ice cream van with a sign saying: “We sell EVERY flavour ice cream in the world!”

      Pete walks over and asks if it’s true, if the man behind the counter really is selling EVERY flavour ice cream in the world.

      “Whatever you want, I’ve got!” replies the ice cream man.

      “Ok”, says Pete, “I’ll have sausage and bacon please.”

      Much to Pete’s surprise, the ice cream man hands him a double scooped ice cream cone and says: “£2 please.”

      Pete hands the man £10 and while he’s waiting for his change, has a lick of the ice cream. He can’t believe it when he tastes it; he actually can taste the sausage. He tries another bit but there’s no taste of bacon and he tells the ice cream man.

      “Turn it round” he says. And again much to Pete’s surprise , it really does taste like bacon.

      “Wow, what else have you got?” Asks Pete.

      “Anything you can think of, I’ve got.”

      “Ok then” says Pete, “I’ll have fish and chips please”

      The man hands over another double scooped ice cream and says: “This ones a special, it’s £3. I’ll get your change”.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and it really does taste like chips. But he can’t taste the fish. When he tells the ice cream man, who’s looking through his till for Pete’s change, he shouts: “Turn it round!”

      Pete turns the ice cream around and tastes the other scoop. He’s right; it really does taste like fish.

      “Told you!”, says the ice cream man, “I’ve got EVERY single flavour you can think of behind this counter”.

      “Ok then”, says Pete and he leans over and whispers: “what about fanny?”

      “I’ve already told you, mate” says the ice cream man, “I’ve got every single flavour ice cream behind this counter. That’ll be £5 for the fanny flavour though.”

      He pulls a tub of ice cream out his freezer and grabs a cone from a box above it and makes Pete another double scoop ice cream and hands it over.

      Pete tastes the ice cream and, much to his dismay, it doesn’t taste like fanny at all. In fact, he thinks, it’s the worst flavour ice cream in the world: it tastes like sh*t.

      “Wait a minute fella, this is horrible this. It doesn’t taste like fanny! It tastes like sh*t!” He shouts.

      The fella behind the counter shouts back: “TURN IT ROUND!”

      althebest1
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4830: Dec 28, 2017 06:12:37 pm
      My six foot blonde beautiful Swedish neighbour came round yesterday complaining about things going missing off her washing line and threatened to call the police.
      I nearly sh*t her pants.  :D
      ConzS
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4831: Jan 21, 2018 12:03:37 am
      Hearing Klopp wants to take the team away for a holiday to Spain and asked Robertson if he had any euros in his pocket and he said nope just sterling still.
      Red fox
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4832: Jan 28, 2018 06:22:44 pm
      Went for s job interview the other day. They asked me how I view lesbian relationships....

      In 3D apparently wasnt  the right answer...
      stuey
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4833: Jan 29, 2018 03:42:51 pm
      If someone attempts to shoot  President Trump would his bodyguard shout "Donald, duck"?
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4834: Jan 29, 2018 08:45:03 pm
      My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

      Good man, terrible geologist.
      Red fox
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4835: Jan 31, 2018 07:18:36 am
      John , what should we get mom for mothers day?  Last year we bought her a chair....

      John - Lets make it electrical.... ;)
      FL Red
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4836: Jan 31, 2018 12:14:11 pm
      We might as well merge this thread with the Transfer one.....bigger laughs in that one today I reckon...
      Red fox
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4837: Feb 03, 2018 08:34:38 am
      "Someone stole my car last night"

      "Wow...did you call the police?"

      "Yes...It's not them..."
      clint_call01
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4838: Mar 19, 2018 06:33:08 pm
      Kopite78
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4839: Jul 18, 2018 08:58:26 am
      Two blokes are walking around an airport slightly distressed
      One says the the other

      You ok mate?

      Not sure, I can't find my Mrs

      Me either, I'm looking for mine too... what's yours look like?

      Well she's 22, blonde, blue eyes, size 8, fake boobs, real deep tan.. walking round in shorts and a boob tube.... What about yours?

      F**k her... let's look for yours
      Magillionare
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4840: Jul 18, 2018 11:26:58 am
      One, two, three four five, once I caught a fish alive.

      Six, seven, eight nine ten, I'm barred from Deep Sea World again.
      zz19a
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4841: Jul 18, 2018 04:06:54 pm
      *In a "Mental Hospital" of 38 patient's, a journalist asks the Doctor: How do you determine whether to admit a mental patient or not to?*

      *Dr: "Well, we fill a bathtub with water and then give the patient;*

      *(a). a  teaspoon,*
      *(b). a glass,*
      *(c). a bucket,*

       *and ask them to empty the bathtub."*


      *Journalist: "Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger."*


      *Dr: "No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you!"*

      ........................ ................
      *😀😀 You also thought of the bucket, didn't you? Please go to bed No. 40 ! 😝*

      *Forward quickly... There are still some beds available !!*
      *😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 put a smile to ur face  don't frown😜👈.*
      zz19a
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4842: Aug 27, 2018 06:07:38 am
      The following is one of the best jokes I have ever read: "It's really funny!

      An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

      Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

      Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

      After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

      Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.

      His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

      After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

      The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.
      So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.


      The Arab replied :

      "Ya habibi !!,
      I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?" RIGHT😀😀?
      heimdall
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4843: Aug 27, 2018 09:29:05 am
      The following is one of the best jokes I have ever read: "It's really funny!

      An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

      Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

      Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

      After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

      Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.

      His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

      After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

      The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.
      So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.


      The Arab replied :

      "Ya habibi !!,
      I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?" RIGHT😀😀?

      Is that one of Corbyn's favourites? ;-)
      Jimsouse67
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4844: Aug 31, 2018 12:36:59 pm
      Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
      After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
      The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
      Jimsouse67
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4845: Aug 31, 2018 12:50:37 pm
      My 5 year old son was playing in the garden when he sees two spiders. He asks me, "is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"

      "No son, there is no mummy longlegs, only daddy longlegs"

      I felt quite proud of my answer, until he stomps on them and says, "we'll have none of that gay sh*te  in our f**king garden"
      Jimsouse67
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4846: Aug 31, 2018 10:47:11 pm
      I was banging this lady on her kitchen table when we heard a car coming up the drive.

      She said, "quick, it's my husband, try the back door."

      Thinking back, I should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
      zz19a
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4847: Sep 22, 2018 05:55:23 pm
      ✨Definitely joke of the day 😂😂😂.
      Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

      "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
      Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

      The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
      "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

      The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
      "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

      The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

      Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

      The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

      🔥Have a nice weekend Bro.😄
      el batez
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4848: Nov 18, 2018 08:47:22 am
      I was walking through town and noticed a girl standing on a corner,
      I asked "are you a hooker if so why don't you just sell drugs".
      she replied "Cos I can wash my crack and sell it again".
      beardo number 7
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #4849: Nov 27, 2018 12:51:24 pm
      My gorgeous lesbian neighbour came around today with my Christmas present 🎁 only a f***in Rolex! Then I remembered what I said when she asked what I wanted for Christmas “I wanna watch” 🤓

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