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      Jokes Thread

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      dorveishique
      • Guest
      Jokes Thread
      Sep 06, 2006 09:26:48 pm
      offtopic found on internet but it's damn funny :)))

      Why it is good to be a man?

      1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
      2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
      3. Your last name stays put.
      4. The garage is all yours.
      5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
      6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
      7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
      8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
      9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
      10. Same work... more pay.
      11. Wrinkles-add character.
      12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
      13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
      14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
      15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
      16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
      17. One mood, ALL the damn time.  
      18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
      19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
      20. You can open all your own jars.  
      26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
      27. No maxi-pads.
      28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.  
      29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
      30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
      31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
      32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
      33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.


      Some funny Questions and Answers.

      1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
      A: Gifted.

      2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
      A: "What Men Know About Women."

      3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: One ... men will screw anything.

      4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
      A: He eats beans for dinner.

      5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
      A: We don't know .... it's never happened.

      6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
      A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

      7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
      A: E.T. phoned home.

      8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
      A: I can do better.

      9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
      A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.

      10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
      A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

      11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
      A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

      12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
      A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".

      13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
      A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".


      Some major funny ifs.

      1.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
      2.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
      3.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
      4.Why is abbreviation such a long word?
      5.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
      6.Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.".
      7.Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
      8.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
      9.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
      10.If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
      11.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
      12.If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
      13.Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
      14.Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
      15.You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
      16.Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


      About Wifes.

      1.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
      2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
      3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
      4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
      5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
      6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
      7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".


      Blonde one liners...

      I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
      1. she called me to get my phone number.
      2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
      3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
      4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
      5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
      6.she tried to drown a fish.
      7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
      8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
      9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
      10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
      11.she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


      Boy, I am luffin' here

       
           
       
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      Good old JC
      • Forum Didi Hamann
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      • 289 posts | -1 
      Time off - awesome freshy jokes!
      Reply #1: Sep 13, 2006 05:21:00 pm
      she got run ova by a parked car....


      That stuff is f-ing brill mate thanks for the laughs
      Madzz Adzz
      • Forum Billy Liddell
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      Time off - awesome freshy jokes!
      Reply #2: Oct 04, 2006 10:25:23 pm
      more please. i love those jokes. hahahaha :P  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:
      lfc kid
      • Forum David Johnson
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      Time off - awesome freshy jokes!
      Reply #3: Oct 04, 2006 10:29:38 pm
      nice 1 m8 ;D
      scousesaz06
      • Forum Igor Biscan
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      Time off - awesome freshy jokes!
      Reply #4: Oct 05, 2006 09:47:09 am
      25 things that make u feel like a man  ;D


       1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

       

      2,C ALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

       

      3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

       

      4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

       

      5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as u thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

       

      6, DRINKING UP - Specifically,r ising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" ands triding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

       

      7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

       

      8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

       

      9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

       

      10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

       

      11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

       

      12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

       

      13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

       

      14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is af eminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

       

      15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

       

      16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

       

      17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms withm irrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,w e'll make do with the aisles.

       

      18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

       

      19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

       

      20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

       

      21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one handr esting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

       

      22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

       

      23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

       

      24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

       

      25, CALLING YOUR MATE A **** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
      The Fallen Soldier
      • Forum Legend - Benitez
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      • 1,137 posts | 89 
      Time off - awesome freshy jokes!
      Reply #5: Oct 06, 2006 11:45:47 pm
      lmao rotfl now that is f**king humour total class luv it ;D
      EddieC
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      Jokes Thread
      Reply #6: Mar 13, 2007 12:50:15 pm
      A place to put all your jokes so I can nick them & look dead funny to all my mates  ;D

      I'll start us off:


      Alex Ferguson goes to Rafa & says ' Rafa, in your first 2 seasons you've won the CL & the FA Cup, we've only won the Carling Cup. How do you do it?'

      Rafa replies 'Easy, I use intelligent players, look at this' He calls Gerrard over 'Steve, who's the child of your father, child of your mother, but not your sister not your brother?'

      Quick as a flash, Stevie says 'Thats easy, it's me'

      Later that day, Ferguson pulls Rooney over in training: 'Wayne, who's the child of your father, child of your mother, not your sister not your brother?'

      'That's a tough one' says Wayne 'give me until the end of training'

      Wayne's racking his brains but he can't come up with the answer. During training he asks Louis Saha, who's puzzled too, but eventually says 'I've got it, child of my father, child of my mother, not my sister not my brother. It's me isn't it?'

      At the end of training, Rooney goes running over to Ferguson all excited 'Gaffer, Ive got it. Child of my father, child of my mother, not my sister not my brother...... It's Louis Saha!'

      'No it's not you idiot' Ferguson replies 'It's Steven Gerrard!'

       :D :D :D
      Venison 86
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #7: Mar 14, 2007 09:23:09 pm
      The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
      Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
      In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup."
      Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

      Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?
      A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.



      « Last Edit: Mar 14, 2007 09:24:16 pm by Venison 86 »
      mrtommo
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #8: Mar 14, 2007 09:36:35 pm
      85% of Manchester men have had sex in the shower

      the other 15% haven't been to prison yet  ;)
      smigger15
      • Forum Legend - Paisley
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #9: Mar 14, 2007 09:38:54 pm
      85% of Manchester men have had sex in the shower

      the other 15% haven't been to prison yet  ;)

       ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #10: Mar 14, 2007 09:39:10 pm
      Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.

      Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
      A: A Man U fan is a real dick

      mrtommo
      • Forum Legend - Fagan
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #11: Mar 14, 2007 09:41:27 pm
      Q - what's the difference between a Man Utd fan and a circumcised penis ?

      A - the Man Utd fan is a complete pr1ck
      smigger15
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #12: Mar 14, 2007 09:41:45 pm
      2007 Tax Code

      The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is
      due to  the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10%
      of the time it is hard up,  20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the
      time it is in the hole.  On top of that, it  has two dependents and they
      are both nuts!

      HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed
      according to size.

      The brackets are as follows:
        10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
        8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
        5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
        3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

      Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

      Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

      PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION


      Venison 86
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #13: Mar 14, 2007 09:45:00 pm
      Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
      A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Anfield
      banksiemagic
      • Forum David Johnson
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #14: Mar 14, 2007 10:27:53 pm
      Kenny 'The King' Dalgliesh was having a bit of bedroom trouble with the missus. He needs some advice so he pops along to see his old chum John 'Digger' Barnes.

      "you're good with the birds" The King says to Barnsey, "what's your secret?"

      "well Kenny" replies Digger "jutht before I go in to do the buithneth, I go into the bathroom, take out the old fella & thlap it 3 timeth on the think - that theemth to do the trick!"

      "Wow!" says The King "I'll give it a go!"

      That night, with Marina in bed, The King heads up the stairs but before getting in, he goes into the bathroom and as instructed, takes out his schlong and slaps it 3 times on the sink!

      Just after the 3rd slap, Marina shouts out "is that you Barnsey?!"


      « Last Edit: Mar 14, 2007 10:29:07 pm by banksiemagic »
      JD
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #15: Mar 15, 2007 12:26:32 am
      A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.

      She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.

      She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.



      Did you hear about the blind skunk?
      Fell in love with a fart.




      A man walks in to the B&Q and picks up a can of fly spray.
      "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
      "No, it kills them."
      « Last Edit: Mar 15, 2007 12:30:15 am by JD »
      Johnnowhite
      • Forum Alf Arrowsmith
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #16: Mar 15, 2007 04:26:34 pm
      Bloke goes to the doctors in Newcastle and says to the doc "Man, ah'm worried sick. Ah'm sweating chocolate from under me arms and it smells of coconut."
      The doc takes a look and says "Why, man, it's boun' tae".
      Court LFC
      • LFC Reds Subscriber
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #17: Mar 15, 2007 05:51:39 pm
      85% of Manchester men have had sex in the shower

      the other 15% haven't been to prison yet  ;)

      HAHAHAHA!! Quality!!
      tomarto
      • Forum Jason McAteer
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #18: Mar 15, 2007 06:41:47 pm
      Alex Ferguson goes  in the dressing room and says  im geting some new faces in what do you think lads

      rooney puts his hand up and says can i have one
      graham135uk
      • Forum Emlyn Hughes
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      • “Liverpool are magic. Everton are tragic.”
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #19: Mar 15, 2007 08:17:34 pm
      A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

      This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

      AussieRed
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #20: Mar 15, 2007 08:53:27 pm
      Twelve Catholic priests were about to be ordained.
      The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

      Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual
      purity.

      The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she
      danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

      Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up...... and set off all the other bells!
      RED1028
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #21: Mar 15, 2007 10:50:31 pm
      Cracking idea having a joke thread EddieC, top bloke, can see this being a popular thread... here's my first offering...

      Police arrested two kids in our street yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
       
      Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

      A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

      This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

      Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat b***ard!"

      Thank you and good night.
      batman0077
      • Forum Billy Liddell
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #22: Mar 16, 2007 02:03:03 am
      Cracking idea having a joke thread EddieC, top bloke, can see this being a popular thread... here's my first offering...

      Police arrested two kids in our street yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
       
      Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

      A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

      This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

      Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat b***ard!"

      Thank you and good night.


      YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm horrible at jokes so keepem comin mates. ;D
      tomarto
      • Forum Jason McAteer
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      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #23: Mar 16, 2007 02:40:40 am
      not a joke but it was funny. I got arrested the other day for winding a pig up at 3oclock in the morning he asked what my name was.

      (pig) where you going
      (me) home why
      (pig) dont be funny lad whats your name
      (me) tom
      (pig) tom what
      (me) tom arto why like whats up
      (pig) dont take the piss whats your name
      (me) tom
      (pig) tom what
      (me) no tom arto not what
      (pig) last chance funny c--t. whats your name
      (me) ok its henry
      (pig)  henry who
      (me) vonstinkerhophphen

      then he jumped on me like hulk hogan and started trying to wrestle me to the floor haha so funny took 4 of them and 2 tins of pepper spray  to get me in a van I was only winding him up.  he was like david Moyes couldnt take a joke f***ing pig. anyway got done for breach of the peace  resisting arrest and failing to give my name to an officer of the law whats this country coming to was funny tho his face. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
      « Last Edit: Mar 16, 2007 02:41:53 am by tomarto »
      AussieRed
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      • You'll Never Walk Alone
      Re: Jokes Thread
      Reply #24: Mar 16, 2007 03:21:39 am
      apologies to Johnnowhite ;D


      The latest questions out of the Manchester United edition of Trivial Pursuit.

      You will have the advantage after reading these, prior to playing the
      game.

      The game is offered free to Manchester United supporters who can read,
      production is currently at 6.


      Q. Two Manchester United supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?

      A. Society.

      Q. What does a Manchester United supporter use as a contraceptive?

      A. His personality.

      Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Manchester United supporter?

      A. Granny.

      Q. What do you call a Manchester United supporter in a suit?

      A. The defendant.

      Q. Why did the Manchester United supporter cross the road?

      A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

      Q. What do you call a female Manchester United supporter in a white tracksuit?

      A. The bride.

      Q. If you are driving and you see a Manchester United supporter on a bike, why
      should you try not to hit him?

      A. It might be your bike.

      Q. What's the first question during a Manchester United supporter quiz night?

      A. What you looking at?

      Q. Two Manchester United supporters in a car without any music - who is
      driving?

      A. The policeman!

      Q. Why is three Manchester United supporters going over a cliff in a Ford a
      shame?

      A. Because a Ford has four seats.

      Q. What do you say to a Manchester United supporter with a job?

      A. Big Mac please.

      Quick Reply