A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a Refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong!!!!!
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
SOMEHOW I THINK THE SAME WILL HAPPEN WITH SMIGGS AFTER SHE'S HAD STELLA
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Small Panties
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he Turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried To dig it
out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He
Called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they Became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home With
her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date
said he could get the peanut out. The young man Told the father to sit
down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up The father's nose and told
him to blow hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and Yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going To be when he
grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
program called: WIFE/ GIRLFRIEND
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version
1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In
addition, Wife 1.0installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please
help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
________________________
___________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking
that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM..
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and
work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper
use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software called Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary
With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
NO its 468 5731.....