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      Liverpool Football School

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      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Liverpool Football School
      Aug 25, 2008 03:41:08 pm
      As the new school term starts and all the boys are back in school at Melwood after their holidays to Beijing, the school’s leading teacher Mr Benitez can finally get back to teaching the lads a thing or two.

      Benitez: “Diego? Yes. Andrea? Yes. Steven? Yes. Sami? Yes. Daniel? Yes. John? Where’s John? Has anybody seen Riise?”

      Dossena:   “You sent him to Rome sir, I am his replacement. You said we’ll pick him up May when we visit Rome. Remember?”

      Benitez:   “That’s right. Well done, here’s a gold star”


      As Benitez’ new assistant Mr Pelligrino handed Dossena his gold star, Benitez continued with his register. He then sent the lads to go and get a meal from the school canteen before the lessons started. The school had hired a new dinner lady in the summer as well, one by the name of Sam Lee.

      Lee:   “Alright you lot calm down, calm down. You’ll all get fed so just wait. There’ll be no pushing in my queue.”

      The class finished there morning breakfast and returned to class where the first lesson of the day was maths. Mr. Benitez split the class into pairs based on their squad number. Resident class bully Jamie Carragher was paired with new French student David N’Gog while the class idiot Martin Skrtel ended up with Steven Irwin who himself is only fresh out nursery.
       
      The aim of the lesson was for one player to keep the ball up without it bouncing and for the other to count the number of keep ups his partner did. Mr. Benitez and Mr. Pelligrino sent the lads off to work.


      Carragher: “Listen here N’Frog you better tell that beardy tw*t and curly haired tosser that I got 750 keep ups alright?”

      N’Gog:   “But that would be lying.”

      Carragher:   “Either you do it or you get my foot in your arse. Understand?”

      N’Gog:   “Oui”


      The class finished and Benitez called them all over so he knew how his class got on

      Benitez:   “Right, N’Gog, how many did Carragher get?”

      N’Gog:   “erm…it was…erm…750”


      Carragher sat smiling smugly as Benitez looked suspicious.

      Benitez:   “Is that right James? Did you get that many?”

      Carragher:   “Of course I did. You think I’m incapable of everything you.”

      Benitez:   “None of your lip James or you’ll get detention. Now how many did David get?”

      Carragher:   “15”

      Benitez:   “We’ll have to work with you David. That’s not good enough. Next we’ll see how Fernando and Steven got in”


      Steven and Fernando were sat on the floor holding hands and gleefully stood up.

      Torres:   “Steven got 267 and every one was controlled beautifully”

      Gerrard:   “Nando got 267 as well. We do everything the same”


      The two best friends sat down still holding hands.

      Benitez:   “OK next we’ll have Irwin and Skrtel. Steven how many did Martin get?”

      Irwin:   “He got 329 sir.”

      Benitez:   “Not bad. Martin how about Steven?”

      Skrtel:   “uh I lost count after 3 sir. But he got more than 3 sir. I know that.”

      Benitez:   “You were meant to learn the numbers during the summer holidays. That’s it Martin, you’re staying behind today.”


      The second lesson of the day was geography.

      Benitez:   “Right class, come on settle down. Today we’re going to take a look at Birmingham”

      Hyypia:   “How come we never take a look at Finland la?”

      Benitez:   “Don’t be stupid Hyppia. Since when have Aston Villa played their home games in Finland? Detention for being stupid.”


      The rest of the lesson was very quiet. The class seemed afraid to speak. Benitez sent the class to their next lesson, which was cookery. Dinner lady Sam Lee took this lesson.

      Lee:   “Right you lot we’re going to learn what food is healthy and the right diet for young boys like you.”

      Alonso:   “Paella is good.”

      Lee:   “Very good Xabi. Does anybody know any more?”

      Gerrard:   “Me mam always cooks us Scouse sir. That’s full of veg.”

      Lee:   “Very good Stevie. Scouse is one of the healthiest meals you can eat.”

      Keane:   “That’s a rip off Irish stew.”

      Carragher:   “Shut it paddy. Scouse is the original. You copied us.”

      Lee:   “OK calm down, calm down you lot. We’re going to cook chicken soup today. Start off with something easy.”


      The lesson finished early with Jamie Carragher holding Robbie Keane’s head in his bowl of chicken soup. It was the class snitch Yossi Benayoun who told Sam Lee about the incident.

      It was then dinnertime. The lads queued up with Jamie Carragher and Robbie Keane at opposite ends of the queue, with Carragher at the front obviously. As the lads delved into their dinner, Pepe Reina and Javier Mascherano were trading sarnies.

      The bell rang and the lads had to make their way back to class for afternoon registration. Before fourth lesson which political history.


      Benitez:   “Right now you’re all here we can start the next lesson no? I want you all compact and close together in this lesson. Politics and sport shouldn’t mix, especially Tom Hicks and George Gillett. They are two bas**rds. Lesson over.”

      The final lesson of the day was sport. Which just saw the lads play football.

      Benitez:   “OK lads it was a good day, with one or two problems. It was the usual suspect who was causing most of the trouble though. Skrtel don’t forget you’re staying behind and Hyppia you've got detention. So stay put.”

      The home time bell rang and the rest of the lads ran for their bus.
      JD
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #1: Aug 25, 2008 03:43:13 pm
      I bet Rafa would love it if it was like that!
      aw1
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #2: Aug 25, 2008 04:08:05 pm
      Funny stuff McCartney. :D :D
      gareth g
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #3: Aug 25, 2008 04:12:57 pm
      Liddell mate you thought all that up while listening to the Who?
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #4: Aug 25, 2008 04:37:46 pm
      Liddell mate you thought all that up while listening to the Who?

      Well, music always helps me think and when it's one of me fave albums then it helps me think even better


      :D cheers Yoko.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #5: Aug 25, 2008 09:08:04 pm
      Very good DLS, your not just a poet :D
      Swinton
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #6: Aug 25, 2008 09:12:06 pm
      Haha brilliant DLS. :D
      AussieRed
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #7: Aug 26, 2008 01:57:56 am
      DLS very funny stuff mate. You been smoking Don Rafael's socks?  ;D
      Darth Joe
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #8: Aug 26, 2008 08:12:39 am
      Excellent stuff! Come up with more, mate!
      LauraMc
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #9: Aug 26, 2008 11:11:33 am
      Haha...thats brilliant! :D
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #10: Aug 26, 2008 11:45:55 am
      The second day of the new term but already some of the kids weren't getting to school on time. Three of the lads were late this morning, Jermaine Pennant, Steve Finnan and Andriy Voronin. Mr. Benitez wanted to know what was happening with his class

      Benitez:   "Right you three why are you late?"

      Pennant:   "I was left in Blackburn sir."

      Finnan:   "I was left in Birmingham sir."


      Mr. Benitez began to sweat and his voice began to crack as he asked Voronin where he'd been

      Benitez:   "What about you Andriy where have you been?"

      Voronin:   "I was left in the freezer sir"


      Mr. Benitez began to look round suspiciously while Jamie Carragher hid his face hoping not to catch the stare of his teacher

      Benitez:   "Well at least you're all back safely. Now lets get on with some work. The first lesson today will be metalwork. It's four to a table don't forget but after yesterday's regrettable incident Keane and Carragher will be separated. Now get to your tables."

      Steven Gerrard sprinted hand in hand with Fernando Torres to the table where Jamie Carragher sat. Captain of the class Gerrard knew nobody would pick on him while he was near Carragher. Sami Hyypia also sat on the same table as Carragher. Meanwhile at the far end of the class, Pepe Reina, the class clown, began juggling hammers. Unfortunately one hit Dirk Kuyt on the nose, nobody could tell the difference though.

      Skrtel:   "Dan, what's this thing again?"

      Agger:   "How many times Marty, it's a file. You file things with it."

      Skrtel:   "Oh yeah I remember now."


      Skrtel began to file his nails while Agger sat there watching is disbelief.

      Benitez:   "OK that's it lads. Time to put your tools away and this time put them in the cupboard Spearing, not your coat pocket so you can flog them down Bold Street tomorrow. Nothing major went wrong."

      As the rest of the lads made their way to second lesson, which today was languages, Yossi Benayoun caught up with his teacher and informed Mr. Benitez about Reina throwing a hammer at Dirk Kuyt as well as Jay Spearing pocketting two glue-guns and a chisel. Mr. Benitez was furious but told Benayoun to hurry off to the next class.

      Benitez:   "Today's language is going to be Spanish."

      Hyypia:   "That's out of order that lad. I mean how come we never learn Finnish like. You know what I mean kidda"

      Benitez:   "Because how many of us are going to go to Finland. Detention for you again Hyypia. We're learning Spanish, OK?."

      Hyypia:   "Si Si."

      Benitez:   "Very funny smart arse you've just earned yourself extra homework which you can do by not coming on the trip to Birmingham with us. Back to the lesson, I want the first half of the lesson to be very calm. Don't rush in, take your time learning this. Especially you Alvaro. Then in the second half of the class I want to see you be creative. Show some flair."


      While Mr. Benitez was talking, Jamie Carragher was texting his mate. He had his phone under the table so teacher couldn't see. Yossi Benayoun did and signalled so to Mr. Benitez

      Carragher:   "Watch when we get outside. I'm gonna repaint West Derby with ya.

      Yossi Benayoun began to cry. Mr. Benitez gave Carragher detention upon hearing the threat.

      Hyypia:   "Yes Carra lad. We've both got detention now. 'Kin joke in it?"

      Carragher:   "Piece of piss Sam. Not even gonna do it. There's a party in Walton tonight, you coming?"

      Hyypia:   "Sound lad. Who's party is it?"

      Carragher:   "It's Stevie's ex. You know the fit one, what's her name. Jenny someone or other"


      Fernando Torres stood up in shock when he heard this and his eyes began to fill up

      Torres:   "You're s...you're str...YOU'RE STRAIGHT? How could you?"

      Benitez:   "OK everyone shut up and get on with the work. Oh and by the way Carragher you will be doing that detention tonight. As will you Hyypia."


      All the lads, beside Carragher, got on with their work. Carragher just sat there swinging on his chair looking up at the clock. The bell rang and it was time for third lesson which was art and was taken by Maurico Pelligrino. However Carragher and Hyypia had decided to bunk off and go home early.

      Pelligrino:   "I see we're one or two short today. Never mind we can do without them. Now what I want from you today is to draw a new kit for a new club. OK lets start. 

      The lads started their work. Fabio Aurelio's new club was called "Set Piece Experts FC" while Mascherano's was called "Monster Munch". Andriy Voronin's new side was called "I love my Ponytail FC". The most colourful kits came from Lucas Leiva and Nabil El Zhar. Lucas' long curls of yellow and blue really blended well together, while El Zhar's orange with a purple rim seemed to impress the teacher.

      Then the dinner time bell went and Andrea Dossena flew through through the class and down the hall to get there first. He is obviously a man who likes his food.


      Dossena:   "What's on the menu today Sam? Pasta or pizza?"

      Lee:   "Pie and chips all round mate."


      Dossena looked disappointed while Robbie Keane was over the moon.

      Spearing:   "Sam I've got no dosh mate, me mam spent it all in the bingo last night. Couldn't let us off could ya mate?"

      Lee:   "Yeah no worries Jay. I know what ya mam's like when she gets in that bingo. Tell her the Lacoste tracky from the catalogue has come though. It's in ours, I'll run round with it tonight.

      Spearing:   "Sound Sam. Chips look nice and all."


      Spearing sat down and next in line was Charles Intandje.

      Intandje:   "Erm, I appear to be a bit short of money today. Is it possible to let me off?

      Lee:   "No it isn't you conning b***ard now pay up or get out the queue."


      Intandje had to leave the canteen while the rest of the lads sat down to their dinner.

      The bell rang and it was time for afternoon registration. Carragher and Hyypia had returned as well so Mr. Benitez didn't know they'd bunked off.


      Benitez:   "Well it's good to see you're all still here. Don't forget you two you're staying behind for detention."

      Carragher:   "Hardly likely to forget, you keep reminding us."

      Benitez:   "Don't push your luck Carragher. Now get out your RE books. It's time class started".


      All the lads got out their Religious Education books because it appeared to be everybody's favourite lesson. Mainly because it was the teacher banging on about God and very little work had to be done. It proved to be the case again today. After nursery teacher Gary Ablett had spoken for a good forty minutes, the class had only got down the date before the bell rang again for fifth lesson. Fifth lesson was as always games. Again Mr. Benitez allowed his class to play football so they could get some practice in before they played a Belgian school tomorrow.

      The class didn't end on a high note however. Jamie Carragher broke Yossi Benayoun's nose after headbutting the Israeli student. What made in worse was they were on the same team.


      Benitez:   "Right that's it Carragher, get inside. Detention for you for the rest of the week. Hyypia get in as well. You two aren't going anywhere. "

      Carragher and Hyypia walked in laughing with one another while the rest of the lads left for home. Steven Irwin's mam was waiting in the car to pick him, Steven Darby and Jay Spearing up.
      « Last Edit: Aug 26, 2008 12:16:13 pm by County_Rd_Kopite »
      AussieRed
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #11: Aug 26, 2008 12:03:38 pm
      DLS can't wait for the 3rd installment....get smoking writing  :D
      LFC Viking
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #12: Aug 26, 2008 04:39:22 pm
      Quality DLS, Can't wait for part 3!  :D
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #13: Aug 26, 2008 04:43:07 pm
      I don't know why I've got Sami Hyypia speakin as a scouser. Only thing I can think of is he's been here for so long so he must of picked up some of our language.
      josser
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #14: Aug 26, 2008 04:55:49 pm
      great craic .when u starting the book
      LFC Viking
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #15: Aug 26, 2008 04:57:28 pm
      I don't know why I've got Sami Hyypia speakin as a scouser. Only thing I can think of is he's been here for so long so he must of picked up some of our language.

      I think it's funny that he has a scouse accent!
      It's like Hamann, Gerrard and that taught him English and now he's got a hint of scouse in his voice when he speaks! :D
      Swinton
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #16: Aug 26, 2008 05:05:21 pm
      Classic!
      Part 3, cant wait :)
      Semple
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #17: Aug 27, 2008 12:57:27 am
      This has made my night- love the way you have Carra as the bully.  The best bit for me was when Torres gets up and says to stevie g "your straight!". Classic- made me laugh soo much.
      « Last Edit: Aug 27, 2008 01:02:08 am by Semple »
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #18: Aug 27, 2008 01:07:53 am
      Looking forward to reading the 3rd part of it, great stuff DLS
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #19: Aug 27, 2008 01:38:49 am
      IMPORTANT NOTICE PLEASE READ.

      AFTER I WAS INFORMED THAT A WORD IN THE PART TWO POST MAY HAVE BEEN UNSUITABLE FOR SOME READERS I MUST APPOLOGISE IN ADVANCE TO ANY OFFENCE YOU TAKE TO THIS POST. IT'S DONE AS A JOKE AND NO HARM IS MEANT. THE SEXIST LANGUAGE IS HOW TEENAGE LADS SPEAK. THE HOMOSEXUAL NATURE BETWEEN TORRES AND GERRARD IS AGAIN A LAUGH AND I'M NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS. ANY SWEAR WORDS USED ARE FALSE OF HABBIT AS MY LANGUAGE IS A DISGRACE IN THAT SENSE. THE "RACIST" WORD USED IN PART TWO WILL NOT BE USED AGAIN AND AGAIN APOLOGIES IF IT DID OFFEND YOU. OK HOPE YOU ENJOY.


      The third day of term saw the class go on their first day out. They were treated to a football match with a Belgian side called Standard Liege. The match would be played at Anfield.

      Every member of the class arrived at school to see if they were allowed to go on the trip because it was only whom Mr. Benitez decided to take that would go. There was places for 21 students although only 18 would manage to be part of the match. Mr. Benitez began to read out the list of names he’d selected.


      Beniez:   "Diego, Andrea on the bus, Sami you're very lucky to be going, Daniel Agger, Keane, Gerrard, Torres, Aurelio, Alonso, Yossi, Arbeloa, Kuyt, Babel, Insua, Carragher make sure you behave yourself, N'Gog, Reina, Spearing, Plessis, Darby and finally Skrtel. Now before I confirm this as the 21, do you all have your kits?"

      The lads all gave a definitve yes. Although a voice from the back cried out

      Skrtel:   "I've got no boots though sir"

      Benitez:   "Well it's too late now, borrow Hyypia's he's not going to be playing anyway."


      The fortunate 21 kids all got on the bus and took up their seats. Carragher, Hyypia, Spearing, Darby and Agger claimed the back seat. Gerrard and Torres were next to each other, surprisingly. Benayoun was sat beside Mr. Benitez. The rest of the lads all found other seats to sit on.

      Spearing:   "Eh Carra how did ya get on with that Jenny girl last night lad?"

      Carragher:   "Nailed her didn't I. She was gagging for it an all. Poor old Sami had to make do with Kerry Cantona."


      The back seat starts to laugh

      Hyypia:   "So what if she's a dog la, she's got some decet knockers on her. Plus I did her from behind so didn't have to look at the face."

      Darby:   "That's cruel that Sam. If she had the decency to shag a ugly git like you, you could at least let her see you."


      The back seat again to laugh in hysterics.

      Benitez:   "Quiet down you lot."

      Carragher:   "Or what?"

      Benitez:   "Right who said that? Come on who was it?"


      The entire back row pointed and said Kuyt. Mr. Benitez took Kuyt down to the front of the bus with him, while the back row sat laughing again.

      Torres:   "Oh aren't these streets horrible Steive? Where's all the beautiful scenery you promised me?"

      Gerrard:   "I'm looking at it."
      Gerrard said lost in Torres' eyes.

      The bus continued it's journey but Mr. Benitez didn't have a quiet trip. Along with Dirk Kuyt at the front of the bus, he now had Fabio Aurelio and Xabi Alonso for playing cards. Yossi Benayoun also informed teacher that Emiliano Insua was chewing, so the young Agentine was at the front of the bus as well.

      The conversations continued amongst the rest of the kids.


      Agger:   "Oi Chubs give us some crips you greedy sod."

      Dossena:   "Get your own."

      Spearing:   "Oi greaseball do as your told and throw them crisp over here before I have to get them meself and chin you the way past."

      Dossena:   "You don't frighten me."

      Carragher:   "He might not, but I will. Now throw them crisp over and make sure they're smoky bacon."

      Dossena:   "No. You're not having my food."


      Jay Spearing got up and slapped Dossena on the back of the head and got five packet of crisp.

      Carragher:   "Good lad Jay, soft Itai, who does he think he is?"

      Hyypia:   "One of the crew obviously lad."


      Spearing put two of the packets under his shirt.

      Spearing:   "Look Ste's ma, wrinkly tits."

      Darby:   "Oh so you've looked have ya?"

      Agger:   "Half of Lime Street's looked mate."


      Again the back seat started laughing uncontrollably.

      Benitez:   "We'll be there soon so quiet. I've got my hands full as it is, now shut up."

      Carragher:   "Or what?"

      Benitez:   "Right who said that? Come on who was it?"


      The back row pointed and said Cavalieri. Benitez took Cavalieri down to the front of the bus where he joined Kuyt, Aurelio, Alonso, Insua, Babel and Keane. Babel and Keane had been moved to the front after Benayoun had seen them with a FHM magazine.

      The bus continued driving through the streets of Liverpool with Sam Lee at the wheel. It finally pulled up outisde the ground and the entire side got off and went into the dressing room.


      Benitez:   "Right the starting elven is Reina in goal. Carragher right back...

      Carragher:   "No I'm playing centre back. We decided that last term."

      Benitez:   "As I was saying Reina in goal. Arbeloa right back. Carragher and Skrtel centre back. Dossena left back. Kuyt right wing. Alonso and Gerrard in the middle. Benayoun left wing. Torres and Keane up front. The three missing out are Hyypia, Darby and Spearing. The rest of you are on the bench."

      Spearing:   "Hang on a minute sir, me, Ste and Sam didn't do anything wrong on the bus why do we miss out? Half the lads had to sit beside you on the bus, but they get in? That's out of order that la, you've got favourites. Not on at all. Victimisation that."

      Darby:   "Well said Jay, come 'ed let's sod off into the crowd. We're not wanted here."

      Spearing:   "You coming Sam?"

      Hyypia:   "Yeah, too right lad. He's a 'kin joke"


      Spearing, Darby and Hyypia left in frustration.

      Benitez:   "OK lads, we need to win but just make sure you don't lose. That's more important, now go out there and perform. Steven would you mind giving a motivational speech?"

      Benitez left the room and Gerrard rose.

      Gerrard:   "It's simple, give me the ball because I'm great and then I'll find the lovely Fernando who'll score. Simple. Anyone got anything to add?"

      Carragher:   "Yeah me, if we don't win I'm gonna batter everyone of you, especially you, you little grass."

      Gerrard:   "Right that's it lets go out and there do what we can.


      The lads left the dressing room and walked out onto the pitch and the rest of this episode you can see tomorrow at 20:05 on ITV1.



      « Last Edit: Aug 27, 2008 01:51:18 pm by dunlop_liddell_shankly »
      AussieRed
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #20: Aug 27, 2008 10:51:59 am
      I'm in stitches :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
      LFC Viking
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #21: Aug 27, 2008 01:40:41 pm
      Haha, it keeps getting better!


      Torres:   "Oh aren't these streets horrible Steive? Where's all the beautiful scenery you promised me?"

      Gerrard:   "I'm looking at it."
      Gerrard said lost in Torres' eyes.


      That bit had me laughing for ages :D
      Good work DLS, hope you keep writing!
      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #22: Aug 27, 2008 01:55:29 pm
      Glad you're all enjoying it. Must admit some of it has made meself laugh as well, especially Vornin being locked in a freezer.

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