Liverpool Football School

When is part 4?

whenever I get over tonight's performance. So possibly in a month or so Nah I'll try and work on it tonight, the idea I've got so far is just the journey home on the bus although I can see Carra hitting a few of the lads

Probably the first time i have wanted more after reading. Its sensational DLS, quite the talented man.

The stuff that comes out their mouths is hilarious, i've been laughing for quite abit now.

Oh and you do know, your little stories may be fun now but we want more and when a demanding crowd wants more, you give more, and more and MORE! Your screwed chap

I printed it out the other day and showed it to me mam and dad, who both said it was very funny...not often they praise me anyway me mam said it'd be great as a comic book so if there's any good artists out there who wanna try, help yourselves. I would try and draw it meself but I tried drawing a lampost once and it looked like an unwell cow

anyway I'm about to settle down to write the next part now.

Torres:   "Oh aren't these streets horrible Steive? Where's all the beautiful scenery you promised me?"

Gerrard:   "I'm looking at it." Gerrard said lost in Torres' eyes.

Haha classic DLS Still laughing at that now! 

The lads sat motionless in the dressing room after the game. They knew they hadn't played well and were all dreading Mr. Benitez' assembly. The teachers walked in.

Benitez:   "Well that was great lads. We got through to the group stage in the most important competition so I'm looked on as a great teacher. Well done lads. It's now time to get on the bus."

Carragher:   "Ang on a minute sir, I've got something to say. We a total disgrace tonight, we owe our friends and family out there a massive apology. They deserve their money back. Nobody except Pepe played well out there. We can't be happy with ourselves and there's a few in here who need to take a long hard look at themselves. They need to realise they are coming to best school in the world, so they should do something to actually deserve it. I'm really ashamed of the side tonight. We're better than that and need to show it.

The class murmered in agreement. Mr. Benitez decided to send the class onto the bus. It was the same seating arangements as it was going to the ground.

Aurelio:   "Excuse me Xabi but do you think we did under perform tonight?"

Alonso:   "I say old chap what kind of question is that for the time of night. I've got a terrible migrane because that rapscallion Carragher constantly hurled abuse at me tonight. I just want to doze off for forty winks if you'd be so kind"

Aurelio:   "But did we under perform?"

Alonso:   "Look dear Fabio, I've just explained that I don't want to talk about it. Would you just let it drop please?"

Aurelio:   "Yeah but did we play that badly?"

Alonso:   "Look dickhead, I don't want to F***ing talk about it so shut the F**k up."

Fabio Aurelio quickly went silent. While conversations around the bus continued.

Spearing:   "Eh Carra, that was a sh*te performance mate. Don't know how we won. Pep was sound, so was you and Marty but those two on the wings, fucks sake. Curley's a jammy b***ard scoring that goal. As for the drowned rat, he is useless. Send him back to Israel.

Agger:   "It wasn't all bad Jay, we did manage to nick Greaseball's Rolex."

Spearing:   "Aye I know lad, that's going into Park Road market next Tuesday. Earn some decent bread for that. Might even be able to afford me mam that new bog she wants."

Darby:   "I got some auld fella's wallet from the crowd. Had a couple of ton in there. Wanna come the chippy?"

Carragher:   "I can't be arsed lads. I'm too pissed off. I need to hit someone. Where's Voronin?"

Hyypia:   "Still the freezer probably."   

The back row laughed and even Carragher raised a smirk.

Babel:   "Robbie you still got that mag?"

Keane:   "No, sir took it off me."

Babel mumbled under his breath. Meanwhile Fernando Torres had fallen asleep in Steven Gerrard's arms.

Kuyt:   "Alvaro shut up blood, I can't hear me latest 50 Cent CD. It's meant to be a sick. Can't wait to get back to me pad to put on the boom box"

Carragher:   "Oi curley you shut the F**k up. Just because you scored doesn't mean you're god's gift. Now sit down and belt up."

The bus continued to drive while more and more of the kids fell asleep.

Lee:   "We're only twenty minutes from home now Raf, you better wake everyone up.

Benitez:   "Yeah OK Sam. COME ON YOU LOT TIME TO WAKE UP, WE'RE NEARLY HOME."

Torres:   "What time is it love?"

Gerrard:   "Just coming up to 11."

The bus pulled up and all the lads began making their way home.

Darby:   "Come 'ed lads lets go the chippy. I'll buy."

Carragher:   "Yeah alright lad, I'll come with you."

Hyypia:   "Yeah me too. Egg fried rice for me Ste."

They bumped into Pepe Reina while in the chippy and decided to go for a drink with him.

Reina:   "Carra, I know where the grass lives you know mate. Wanna go brick his windows?"

Carragher:   "Nah you're alright mate. I'm just gonna have a quite drink tonight. Calm meself down."

Reina, Carragher, Darby, Agger, Spearing and Hyypia remained in the pub for another two hours but they laughed throughout the 120 minutes. Something they didn't do at Anfield earlier in the night. They then said their goodbyes and left for thier homes.

apologies for the latest one, isn't that funny, but me mind is more on the Champions League draw.

Great stuff dls, enjoying them very much,thanks.

Day four of the school term and again there were no lessons, instead it was an assesment day. They were assessing the performance against Standard Liege.

Benitez:   "Right we didn't play well lads, but we got the right result in the end. Dirk Kuyt you were excellent throughout and what a genius I am by leaving you on. That was a great decison by me."

Kuyt:   "Is right blood. It's a Dutch ting."

Benitez:   "erm...yes Dirk it was a Dutch thing."

Carragher:   "Curley was sh*te all game. Gets one goal an all of a sudden he's a hero? Not in my books."

Benitez:   "Don't use that language in here James."

Carragher mumbles under his breath.

Benitez:   "You've already got detention for the rest of the week James, don't push it any further. Right now, does anybody else have anything to say?"

Hyypia:   "Yeah me sir, I thought Pepe was sound in goal, he's the reason we won. He was boss. He played well when Finland 'ad a game against Spain last year. Me mam said he was fit an all."

The class starts laughing and Reina begins to blush.

Benitez:   "We're not talking about Finland though are we Hyypia? Detention for you."

El Zhar:   "You've got to play me more sir. I'm better than Benayoun."

Benayoun:   "No you're not, is he sir? I'm good aren't I sir?"

Benitez:   "Yes Yossi offers us something different and has very good game intelligence. Particuarlly in the first half."

Benayoun:   "See."

El Zhar:   "It's only because you're a suck up."

Yossi Benayoun begins to cry.

Benitez:   "El Zhar appologise now."

Carragher:   "Nah don't Nab, you've done sod all wrong. Stand your ground lad."

Spearing:   "Yeah, don't say sorry Nabil. You were right."

Benitez:   "Either appologies or you can join Carragher, Hyypia AND SPEARING on detention."

El Zhar:   "I'll have detention then."

Benitez:   "Right the four of you are staying behind tonight. Anyone else want to pick on Yossi?"

Alonso:   "Steady on squire, we haven't even had the cherry yet."

Benitez:   "Perhaps you're right Xabi, lets get back to the match."

Alonso:   "Now ain't that nice."

The class continued to discuss the match while Daniel Agger fell asleep.

Benitez:   "AGGER WAKE UP NOW."

Daniel Agger shot up and looked round.

Benitez:   "You can join the other four on detention. Looks like I'm going to have a lot of company tonight."

Hyypia:   "Get in there Dan, you're with us. Only need Darbs now and the entire crew is on."

Darby:   "You wish Sam. I'm an angel me."

Benitez:   "Darby you've just earned yourself detention, no speaking when the video is on."

Hyypia and Spearing broke out laughing.

The video of the match stopped.

Benitez:   "As you can tell we played very well out wide and our full backs were very compact, well done. Steven and Fernando you were a bit quiet, what happened?"

Gerrard:   "I wasn't fit sir."

Torres:   "I was worried about Steive sir."

Benitez:   "That's fair enough lads. OK go and get something to eat then return here for another look at my, I mean, your performance last night."

The class dismissed and headed towards the canteen. The chase was led by Andrea Dossena unsurprisingly.

Dossena:   "Sam, I'll have two plates of spaghetti bologneses, three pizzas and a bottle of Turin's finest wine.

Lee:   "Here you are Andy, two pie and chips."

Dossena:   "Ringraziarla."

Lee:   "Do you actually have any bread today Charles?"

Itandje:   "erm...aren't you meant to provide the bread?"

Lee:   "Do you have money?"

Itandje:   "Well you see the truth is Carragher forced me to give him my lunch money."

Lee:   "Get out of the line. One for having no money and two for saying the word lunch. It's called dinner."

Spearing:   "Alright Sam, me mam's gonna pay for the tracky next week when her giro comes through, in the meantime give us a pie dinner mate. Cheers."

The rest of the lads sat down and ate their dinner before making their way back to class.

Benitez:   "Welcome back lads, we're only going to have a short look back at the main incidents of the match again before you can home, well some of you can go home."

Carragher:   "You're a sly b***ard you. Some nasty comments you use. I wish their teacher chinned you last night."

Benitez:   "Well he didn't because he'd know I'd tw*t him."

The class erupted with whistles and aplauses. Benitez smirked and sent the lads home on a high note. The five with detentions were detained though.

Quality stuff DLS

Parts 4 and 5 are really good DLS, the last bit about Rafa in part 5 was funny

Excellent, they just keep getting better and funnier. 

Little catch up on everybody's involvement (simply so I know who to write about a bit more)

staff
Hicks/Gillett - headmasters
Parry - deputaty head
Benitez - teacher
Pelligrino - assistant teacher
Lee - dinnerlady/bus driver
------------------------------------
kids
carragher - class bully
hyypia - loyal to finland but speaks like a scouser, carra's mate
spearing - junior bully
darby - spearing's mate
agger - wants to look hard so hangs round with the bullies
reina - class clown, everyone likes him
gerrard - in love with torres
torres - in love with gerrard
benayoun - grass
kuyt - thinks he's some gangster rap artist
babel - obssessed with porn (don't know why)
dossena - greedy b***ard
intandje - never has any money for his dinner
alonso - posh speaking english accent
n'gog - gets bullied by carra
el zhar - does as he's told by spearing
skrtel - class idiot
-----------------

finnan, pennant, keane, voronin, cavalieri, plessis, degen, arbeloa haven't really got a part yet, but I'll try an find them one soon.

anyway, ta for the the praise (i think it's gone to me head) and hope you continue to enjoy.

DLS, you ever thot about writing a book or a comedy?

i'd like to know what the team would make of these school days if they read them.

DLS, you ever thot about writing a book or a comedy?

many times, then I start and me mind goes blank. This is easy 'cos it's about Liverpool but anythin else an I'm lost as sea.

DLS fantastic stuff...can't wait till the next class 

many times, then I start and me mind goes blank. This is easy 'cos it's about Liverpool but anythin else an I'm lost as sea.

Maybe write a book about Liverpool?

Friday was the final day of the school week but Friday's often a day just full of games. This Friday was no different.

The day started in the usual way with Mr. Benitez taking the register. Once he finished he spoke.

Benitez:   "Well we're all here except Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. Does anybody know where they are?"

Pelligrino:   "Excuse me Mr. Benitez."

Benitez:   "Yes?"

Pelligrino:   "Steven is in hospital nursing the groin injury."

Benitez:   "Well what about Torres?"

Pelligrino:   "He's nursing Steven."

Benitez:   "Well at least we know where they are. Now that's sorted we can get on with the day.

Benitez sent the lads off to play football.

Lucas:   "How come we've only got 10 players? Where's Babel?"

Keane:   "He's locked himself in the bog with a nuts mag."

Mascherano snarled and growled.

Skrtel:   "uh, what's a nuts mag?"

Alonso:   "Oh Martin you really are an idiot. A nuts magazine is a glossy magazine containing people of the female form wearing very little clothing."

Skrtel:   "I don't get you."

Arbeloa:   "That's OK Marty cos I got you babe"

Carragher:   "Oi will you lot shut up and actually play."

The lads turned in fear and started playing football. Ryan Babel joined them a few moments later.

Hyypia:   "Eh Carra ya comin to town tonight lad?"

Carragher:   "Aye no probs mate. Could do with a couple of drinks. Jay and Darbs comin?"

Hyypia:   "Probably. Wanna ask Pepe?"

Carragher:   "Yeah lad. He's sound him.  Good laugh."

Spearing:   "You goin to town Carra?"

Carragher:   "Yeah Jay. What about you?"

Spearing:   "Too right, I'm gonna pull tonight an all."

Arebloa:   "Somewhere in the air tonight"

Spearing:   "What's wrong with you lad."

Carragher:   "He sings random songs from a word you say."

Spearing:   "What a f***in div. He right in the head?"

Arbeloa:   "Head, shoulders, knees and toes."

Carragher:   "Guess not."

The games ended and Mr. Benitez gathered all the lads together.

Benitez:   "OK that was a good session. At least there wasn't any broken noses this time was there Carragher?"

Carragher rolled his eyes.

Benitez:   "Now I want everyone in bed early tonight and back here tomorrow for the coach trip down to Birmingham. We're meeting Steve Finnan down there who were still trying to expell from school."

Insua:   "Sir is it ok to take a book to read on the coach?"

Benitez:   "Of course it is, as long as it's not one of Ryan Babel's books."

Insua:   "No sir it's a book about nuclear physics."

Spearing:   "What a tit."

Benitez:   "Spearing detention."

Carragher:   "On you Jay."

Benitez:   "Carragher you're joining him anyway for breaking Yossi's nose earlier, so I'd keep quiet if I was you."

Hyypia:   "You've just be 'ad off there Carra."

Carragher:   "So 'av you Sam, you're on detention now."

Benitez:   "No he isn't James. So you're wrong again."

Hyypia broke into hysterical laughing."

Spearing:   "He's doing that just to prove you wrong Carra. For some reason he doesn't like you."

Carragher:   "Probably cos I shagged Jenny the other day after he'd been after her."

Spearing and Carragher started laughing.

Benitez:   "Everyone else go. Spearing and Carragher stay put before I lose my temper"

Keane:   "If you lose it sir, I can find you a new one. I can get my hands on anything."

Benitez:   "You can get your hands on detention. Congratulations."

Carragher:   "Join the team Rob, you're not that bad a lad after all."

Keane:   "Cheers Carra, lets put the past behind us."

Carragher:   "Yeah sound lad. No point holding grudges."

Spearing:   "That mean you're gonna forgive the grass Carra?"

Carragher:   "Not on your life mate. He's a pr**k."

Benitez:   "OK that's it now quiet. Just shut up."

The three went quiet but continued smirking to one another. The rest of the class had left a lot earlier.

Half an a hour later Mr. Benitez let the three on detention go.

is there going to be a 2nd school week?

Always brings a smile to my face.

I've got the bus journey down to Villa already started, just touching it up a bit.

is there going to be a 2nd school week?

as long as people want this to continue, I'll continue writing. After all who am I to disappoint my adoring public?

It was 10 am on the dot and all the lads had turned up to see if they were part of Mr. Benitez' plans for the trip to Birmingham.

Benitez:   "OK it's good to see you here all so early but Steven you shouldn't have bothered, you're in no condition to be playing. I'm sorry but you'll have to stay behind, I'm going to send Sami Hyypia in your place. You shouldn't be going at all Hyypia, but you're the only other option. So get on. The rest of the side is Cavlieri, Dossena, Agger, Keane, Torres, Aurelio, Alonso, Yossi, Arebloa, Kuyt, Babel, Mascherano, Lucas, Insua, Carragher, N'Gog, Reina, Spearing, El Zhar and Darby. Obviously three of you will miss out but the other 18 will be in the squad."

The back was again claimed by Spearing, Carragher, Agger, Darby and Hyypia all of whom were nursing hangovers from the previous night. Fernando Torres sat alone reading the card Gerrard had given him for Valentine's Day.

Carragher:   "Did ya pull anyone last night then Jay?"

Spearing:   "Pulled a f***in hernia lad, that girl was was somethin else. Non stop for three hours."

Darby:   "That girl, don't you even remember her name?"

Spearing:   "Do you?"

Darby:   "Why should I remember her name?"

Spearing:   "Cos you had a go with her after me."

Darby:   "Did I? F**k I was wasted last night la, don't remember a thing. If that copper hadn't woken me up this morning I wouldn't of made it on time. I'd still be asleep on that bench."

Hyypia:   "Bench? What was ya doin on a bench lad?"

Darby:   "Tryin to get a kip."

Agger:   "Why didn't you go home?"

Darby:   "Cos I didn't know me left from right never mind tryin to get home. Where did you four end up anyway?"

Spearing:   "I ended up in Sevvy Park with sick all around me."

Carragher:   "I managed to blag me way into some auld biddy's house. Comfy bed, sh*te sex."

Hyypia:   "I went home but had to kip on the front step. Me mam wouldn't let me in. Said she didn't like me drinkin. Cheeky cow."

Agger:   "I went home an all lads. Fell up the stairs three or four times though."

Darby:   "Sounds like we all had an eventful night home then."

Spearing:   "Wha' abar Pepe anyway? 'Ow did he get on?"

Hyypia:   "He left with that blonde haired girl last night."

Spearing:   "He pulled her? Jammy b***ard, no wonder he's smilin today."

The conversations on the back row varied between topics. Then Diego Cavalieri shoued out.

Cavalieri:   "OI ROBBIE, DID YOU GET THE DVD I ASKED FOR?"

Keane:   "Yeah no sweat Dee, but before I hand it over where's the cash?"

Cavalieri:   "It's in my bank. I promise I'll get it out when we reach Birmingham."

Keane:   "Well you can have the DVD when we reach Birmingham as well."

Carragher:   "Cav, you shout like that again you Brazilian c**t an I'll tw*t ya. Already got a bangin 'eadache, don't need you makin worse."

Cavalieri:   "Yes I'm sorry. I just want my DVD."

Hyypia:   "Well pay him and you can."

Spearing:   "Wha' DVD is it?"

Keane:   "Can't say Jay. Confidetential infomation. Can't reveal what my clients ask for."

Agger:   "Probably some Salza video or something."

Cavalieri:   "No it's nothing like that at all."

Spearing:   "Wha' is it then Cav?"

Cavalieri refused to answer.

Spearing:   "You tha' embarrassed by it? F**k, must be some shitty film."

Cavalieri:   "I'm not embarrassed, I just don't want to speak to the likes of you."

Hyypia:   "Watch you're f***in mouth Cav or I'll come over and kick the sh*t out of ya. Cheeky tw*t. Who do ya think you are lad?"

Benitez:   "OK that's enough you lot. I've already got Babel at the front of the bus for looking at pornography again. I can easily have some more."

Arbeloa:   "More than a woman, more than a woman to me."

Benitez:   "Alvaro get to the front. Don't you dare try and make me look stupid."

Arbeloa moved to the front of the bus instantly and the conversations died out for a while until El Zhar's voice broke the silence.

El Zhar:   "Eh Chubs you got any more pizza left?"

Dossena:   "Yes, thank you."

El Zhar:   "Can I have some?"

Dossena:   "No."

Spearing:   "Don't be arlarse Chubs, just give him some."

Dossena:   "No, my mama mia made me the this. It's all I have for the journey."

El Zhar:   "A 36 inch pizza and you can't give me any?"

Dossena:   "If I give you any there won't be enough for me. I'll starve."

Darby:   "36 inches? You greedy b***ard Chubs. That's not right that."

El Zhar:   "Just one piece."

Dossena:   "No. This is mine, you should bring your own."

Kuyt:   "Is right Chubs. Deese youngstas don't tink of a ting. Day tink we'll provide for dem. Don't feed dem blood."

Dossena:   "Thank you Curley."

Carragher:   "Shut the F**k up Kuyt Diddy. It's nothin to do with you."

Kuyt:   "Is nuttin to do wiv you either blood. Hyprocrite."

Carragher:   "You wanna make it somethin to do with me?"

Kuyt went silent and sat back down in his seat

Carragher:   "Didn't think so. So just stay sat down you blert. And Chubs give Nab some grub lad."

Dossena:   "It's all gone. I have no food."

El Zhar:   "You've ate it all? You're a greedy f**ker you la."

The back row started laughing again.

Hyypia:   "Christ almighty that's the best laugh I've 'ad in a while. A forigner tryin to sound Scouse.

The conversations raged on while Insua read his book on nuclear physics and Torres was re-reading his Valentine's card from Gerrard.

Lucas:   "I say Masch, what do you think of my painting? It's meant to be the Liver Bird."

Mascherano snarled and growled.

Lucas:   "As bad as that? Mr Pelligrino what do you think of my drawing?"

Pelligrino:   "I think it's wonderful Lucas. It looks just like the Empire State building."

Lucas:   "Oh it was meant to be the Liver Bird."

Pelligrino:   "Well in that case, it was a good effort."

Arbeloa:   "Good golly miss molly."

Keane:   "Eh Lukey, I can get you some art lessons you know. My mum's mate's husband's step daughter's real dad's second wife is a hell of a teacher in art. She's cheap as well. Want me to set it up?

Lucas:   "Thanks Robbie, but I'm OK honestly."

Keane:   "OK mate, just thought I'd offer."

The bus pulled up outside Villa Park.

Lee:   "This is it boss. Time to head off.

Benitez:   "Yeah thanks Sam. You're a good driver no? Come on lads, time to get off and get changed."

The team left and headed for the changing rooms.

And the outcome of this episode can be seen tomorrow on Sky Sports 1 at 4pm.