Weekend Lash Before Monday's Match
With a trip to Wigan Athletic Football School on Monday, the boys decided to go out for a night on the town. It's alright for some in it?
Benitez: "Right lads I want to be in Wigan by 7 tomorrow morning, so don't get too wasted tonight because I won't be waiting for you."
Carragher: "It's alright boss, a few of us goin' up to Wigan tonight. So we'll meet ya there."
Aurelio: "Why are you going to Wigan Carra?"
Carragher: "Cos it saves us 'avin' to find our way there tomorrow lad. We can just get pissed tonight an then we're already there."
Spearing: "It's f***in' sh*te in Wigan though Carra lad, be better goin' to Speke than Wigan."
Agger: "Well you go to Speke Jay, we're all going to Wigan."
Spearing: "Don't start gettin' lippy Dan. Up until last year you thought Speke was called John Lennon."
Agger: "Stop trying to act the big man Jay, it doesn't suit you."
Darby: "Both of ya stop arguin' for fucks sake. We're goin' for a good arl fashioned piss up. So grab ya dough cos we're buyin' a round each."
Carragher: "Bubble, you comin'?"
Kyrgiakos: "Yes please thank you."
Aurelio: "Why do you call him Bubble?"
Darby: "Bubble an' squeak - Greek."
Carragher: "I reckon we need a squeak."
Kelly: "That's gotta be you Jay."
Spearing: "Ah I don't mind lad, at least I've got a nickname now."
Reina: "It's about the only new name you will get tonight Squeak."
Spearing: "I f***in' hope so. You seen the kip of the birds in Wigan?"
Skrtel: "Why...don't the...birds...have...win gs in...Wigan?"
Spearing: "Nah Marty mate, more muzzles and tails."
Reina: "And a couple considered too life like for 101 dalmatians."
Carragher: "Oh leave it lads, we're goin' for the ale not the birds."
Darby: "That's all good an' well Carra mate but even the ale is a bit rough in Wigan."
Reina: "Why do you think the girls where those muzzles."
Carragher: "Oh well F**k youse then, I'll go on me own if I 'ave to."
Carragher storms down the road and flags a taxi to take him to Lime Street. Feeling guilty the rest of the lads jumped in another taxi although they pushed Aurelio out and left him standing on his todd. Meanwhile some of the other lads where in Liverpool's City Centre.
Kuyt: "Diz iz da life in it boyz. No workz on a weekend. I couldz get uzed to dis man."
Johnson: "Is right Dutch Diddy."
Kuyt: "Howz ya leg homeboy?"
Johnson: "Itz on da mend bro, on da mend."
Aquilani: "I've been injured you knowo"
Riera: "Si si."
Aquilani: "I too am on the mendo."
Kuyt: "Datz good dat iz Docko."
Riera : "Si si."
Aquilani: "Thank you Curleyo. It means a lot to me to know I have the support of my team mateso."
Kuyt: "Youze have our supportz in dat right G."
Johnson: "Too right Diddy bro."
Pacheco: "I wish I'd gone to Wigan now."
Kuyt: "Well whyz didn't you den Checs."
Pacheco: "I don't look old enough to get in the clubs."
Kuyt: "You gotz in here didn't you. Whatz da difference blood?"
Pacheco: "This is Sayers."
Johnson: "He doez have a pointz Diddy."
Kuyt: "He doez G, he doez."
Aquilani: "The food is quite nice here though but not up to Italian standard is ito."
Lucas: "I can cook better than in here."
Sayers Girl: "Well become a F***ing cook then you soft F***ing c**t cos you can't F***ing play football you tit."
As the girl continues ranting in her scally Scouse accent, one of her 20 necklaces dips into the chocolate fountain shortly followed by a dollop of fake tan off her arm.
Insua: "Excuse me Miss."
Sayers Girl: "What?"
Insua: "The amount of fake tan you have on that body of yours, and now in the chocolate fountain, can be extremely dangerous for your health and now quite possibly ours.
The Sayers Girl looked confused by Insua's sentence. Probably due to the fact that it didn't contain a single swear word.
Sayers Girl: "Do you think you're F***ing clever do you?"
Insua: "Well yes, but that's beside the point. My intelligence isn't in question here but both of us may be seeking health advice should you continue wearing that tan and should it continue falling into the food that I had planned on eating."
Sayers Girl: "Well if you don't F***ing like it, don't F***ing eat it soft lad. It's not F***ing rocket science is it?"
Insua: "Nor is it healthy."
Kuyt: "Just leavez it Brainz lad. Like she said, don'tz eatz it if you don'tz likez it."
Sayers Girl: "She has a F***ing name you ginger c**t."
Kuyt: "Sorry baby girl, whatz your name?"
Sayers Girl: "It's Paris."
Insua: "So is the capital of France."
Sayers Girl: "So F***ing what like."
Insua: "I was just saying."
Sayers Girl: "Well don't. Or I'll come over there and slap you one."
Kuyt: "I likez her style."
Johnson: "Me to bro."
Insua: "Well I don't, I think I'll go to Subway instead. See you lads in a bit."
Insua left Sayers and headed off for the nearest Subway. Pacheco, Aquilani and Riera soon follow suit. As they walked up the road they saw Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres having a nice meal for two in this fancy little restraunt.
Gerrard: "This seems ok doesn't it Nando."
Torres: "Yeah Stevie it does."
Gerrard: "It's not too loud and it's quite cheap."
Torres: "Oh I'm only worth a cheap restraunt am I?"
Gerrard: "Of course not and please lets not argue tonight Nando. Just for once lets have a quiet peaceful night."
Torres: "Ok I'm sorry. Just don't antagonise me."
Gerrard: "I'll do my best."
Torres: "I should hope so."
Waiter: "Would you like to order sir?"
Gerrard: "I'll have the sweetcorn soup to start and then steak and chips."
Waiter: "Certainly sir, how would you like your steak?"
Gerrard: "Well done if you don't mind."
Waiter: "Of course not sir. And for you sir?"
Torres: "Oh I'll have the tomato soup to start followed by the fish and boiled potatoes please."
Waiter: "What fish would you like?"
Torres: "A dead one."
Waiter: "Very amusing sir, but would you like cod, haddock, plaice or trout?"
Torres: "Plaice."
Waiter: "Thank you sir. Would you like another bottle of wine?"
Torres: "No we've promised we won't whine tonight."
Waiter: "How about some beer then?"
Torres: "No thank you."
Gerrard: "No, we'll just wait for the food if that's ok."
The waiter nods and allows Gerrard and Torres to continue their conversations. The topics of which they discussed varied from politics to football to music to the restraunt itself. Once the food arrived however, they were too busy feeding each other to talk.
The lads who'd decided on a trip to Wigan had arrived there by now.
Reina: "Masch would of felt at home here."
Carragher: "Well 'e isn't 'ere so lets just enjoy it eh?"
Spearing: "Yeah come on lads, we're 'ere now so let 'ave a good night."
Darby: "Alright, where to first?"
Reina: "Back home gets my vote."
Carragher: "f***in' go then lad."
Darby: "You alright Carra, you've been snappy all f***in' night."
Spearing: "Yeah why 'ave ya been so eager to get 'ere?"
Kelly: "Probably got somethin' on 'aven't ya lad."
Carragher: "Don't start givin' me any cheek cos you three ain't even earned that right yet."
Darby: "Calm down lad, we just wanna know what's up with ya."
Agger: "Leave him alone, he just wants a good night."
Spearing: "'ere?"
Agger: "Yes here."
Spearing: "Bollocks. 'e's got some other reason for bein' 'ere 'im."
Carragher: "Yeah I 'ave Squeak."
Spearing: "Go 'ed then, tell us."
Carragher: "I'm leavin' 'ome and there's a place up 'ere for grabs. I'm gonna 'ave a mooch at it while we're 'ere like."
Darby: "What the F**k are you movin' for soft lad?"
Carragher: "It's the boss, 'e doesn't want me anymore. What with Bubble, Dagger, Marty an' MK. I'm not needed so he's chuckin' me out."
Spearing: "Come off it mate, you're goin' nowhere."
Carragher: "Nah it's straight Squeak, 'e's told me."
Kelly: "I suppose Curley 'as 'ad 'is in put on it."
Spearing: "'asn't our Sam said anythin'?"
Carragher: "'e tried but Sir weren't havin' any of it."
Darby: "F**k 'im lad. Right if you are movin' it won't be for a couple of months anyway so I say tonight we 'ave a proper good piss up for Carra.
The lads agreed and off they went to the nearest club. As expected there was a couple of muzzles, tails and a whole lot of barking but the lads managed to get past the Manchester Bingo party and onto the dancefloor.
Back home in Liverpool Insua, Aquilani, Riera and Pacheco had finished their Subway and headed off for a club of their own only to walk past an alleyway to find Paris, Kuyt and Johnson having, well this a family thread so I can't say - only insinuate. I can however confirm Paris was still swearing and her fake tan, as well as other things, was coming off her body at a much quicker rate than back in workplace.
As night time passed and dawn broke the lads staggered to the coach where Mr Benitez was waiting for them.
Benitez: "Have a good night last night Yossi?"
Benayoun: "Yes sir, definately sir. I stayed in and watched the television sir."
Benitez: "All night?"
Benayoun: "Yes sir, certainly sir. All night sir."
Benitez: "What did you do Dirk?"
Kuyt: "I can't rememberz Sir. I wokez up with sauzagerollz down ma jeanz doh so I tinkz it'z waz good. Waz it G?"
Johnson: "I tinkz so bro, doh my mind ain'tz up to tinking to much. You dig?"
Kuyt: "Yeah G man, i digz ya."
Benitez: "Well that sounds like an eventful night, anybody know how the others got on in Wigan?"
Pacheco: "Jay text me last night Sir."
Benitez: "Oh Daniel, what did it say?"
Pacheco: "It said sir, that he won best of show. I'm not sure what he meant by that."
Benitez: "You'll have to ask him later. Right now come along, all on the bus we've got to get to Wigan."
And off they went to Wigan. If you wish to see the ending of this show tune into ESPN tomorrow night.
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