Less Than A Week To Go
With only six days to go until Liverpool Football School's opening test against Arsenal's Football School, new teacher Woy Hodgson wanted to go over the plan for beating Arsenal.
Woy: "So how will we beat Awsenal?"
Carragher: "By scorin' more goals than them."
Woy: "Well yes Cawwagher that is is wight, but I was hoping for some answers to how that would happen."
Spearing: "By puttin' the ball in the net more times than them."
Woy: "Again that is wight Spearing but how?"
Spearing: "You're the teacher lad, shouldn't you know?"
Woy: "I do know, I want to know if you know."
Darby: "Are you teachin' us or we teachin' you?"
Reina: "Ten to one we have to teach him."
Woy: "What was that Weina?"
Reina: "Well what do you expect?"
Woy: "Even money."
Agger: "That's stretching it a bit Boss."
Woy: "Maybe you're wight Agger."
Agger: "Nah I'm left footed me Boss."
Woy: "Wight."
Agger: "No left."
Woy: "Left."
Agger: "Right."
Carragher: "Dan leave it lad, don't confuse him anymore."
Agger: "Already Carra. Sorry Boss."
Woy: "That's OK Agger. I accept your apology."
Kelly: "So what are we doing today Boss?"
Woy: "Well firstly I'd like you to welcome the new boys to the class and then we'll see who has done the homework I set them."
Kelly: "What new boys?"
Woy: "Cole, Jovanovich, Wilson and Auwelio."
Carragher: "Aurelio isn't knew, thought we'd seen the back of that c**t."
Agger: "Must be joking Carra. We can't give away the sh*t Brazilians."
Lucas: "Does that include me?"
Spearing: "What the F**k do you think Lukey?"
Lucas: "I think I'm highly talented."
Spearing: "And I think Cilla Black would be a great shag but it doesn't make it true."
Kuyt: "Oi Titch, don'tz be dizzin' ma hoe Cilla. She iz a shag in it G?"
Johnson: "Gangbangz that bi*ch."
Kuyt: "Iz right G. Whatz ya homeboy Cole like G?"
Johnson: "He'z one of uz blood."
Kuyt: "More memberz of the crew da betterz."
Johnson: "Exactly."
Aquilani: "I still don't understando a wordo you two sayo."
Kuyt: "What blood?"
Carragher: "'e said 'e can't understand you or Johnno."
Kuyt: "It'z eazier to underztandz than Scouze."
Johnson: "Definately G."
Aquilani: "I don't agreeo with thato."
Kuyt: "Who the fuckz azked you Docko?"
Carragher: "Who the F**k asked you to open your mouth in the first place you curly haired ginger wannabe dutch gangster c**t?"
Lucas: "I did."
Carragher turns round and decks Lucas.
Carragher: "Well ya f***in' shouldn't of lad."
Woy: "Now Cawwagher there will be no violence in my classroom."
Reina: "Looks like you're a bit late there Boss."
Woy: "Well there'll be no more."
Reina: "You might wanna tell that to Bubble and Squeak who are kicking the sh*t out of Aurelio."
Mr Hodgson turns round to see Reina is right. Spearing and Kyrgiakos are indeed putting Aurelio into the treatment room. (again)
Woy: "Stop now. Evewybody sit down."
The lads sit, well most of them do. Lucas and Aurelio lie on the floor.
Woy: "I want you to welcome Joe Cole. Joe would you like to say a few words?
Cole: "Cushty. I'd just like to say thanks to everybody. Though it was a bugger to find, the cab driver went up the wrong frog making me walk for miles. My plates are in agony now."
Johnson: "You doez look cream crackered Joez."
Cole: "I am bruv."
Woy: "Thank you Joe."
Joe Cole goes to sit down while at the back at the room murmours of "another southern cockney c**t" can be heard.
Woy: "Who'd like to speak next? Wilson or Jovanovich?
Wilson: "Aye I will."
Woy: "OK Danny, come on up."
Wilson: "I'm Danny Wilson. Eighteen from Glasgow..."
Reina: "It's not Blind Date lad."
Kuyt: "Don'tz you speakz about ma Cilla'z show."
Reina: "Don't even start on me Curly because I will just tw*t you."
Kuyt sits down with his crew.
Wilson: "Aye OK Blind Date. Like I was saying I'm from Glasgow so if any of you try anything with me, I'll clobber you."
Ayala: "Doesn't clobber mean clothes?"
Pacheco: "That's what I thought."
Carragher: "Scouse to the core you two."
Wilson: "Aye clothes. Just letting you know that's all."
Woy: "Thank you Danny. I think you are best sitting with the rest of the central defenders."
Wilson goes to sit with Carragher, Agger, Skrtel and Kyrgiakos. They welcome him to the centre half club.
Woy: "OK Jovanovich, you're up now.
Jovanovich: "Yes thank you. I am Milan."
Spearing: "You're a city?"
Jovanovich: "No my name is Milan."
Carragher: "Not another one, we had enough Milan's with Baros."
Gerrard: "He was a greedy c**t him wasn't he Carra lad."
Carragher: "Almost as bad as Chubby Doss."
Gerrard: "He still phones me and asks if I can send him some of Alex's homemade cake."
Carragher: "As long as that's all 'e wants off Alex."
Jovanovich: "As I was saying..."
Carragher: "Don't be interuptin' me an' Stevie lad. That's not a good start."
Gerrard: "Let him go on Carra, might get out of here a bit quicker."
Torres: "I thought you liked it up there."
Gerrard: "I do Nando, but I meant this classroom."
Torres: "Oh, silly me."
Jovanovich: "My name is Milan. And I'm from Serbia. And I am a good player."
Reina: "Talk about in depth discussion."
Woy: "Thank you Milan. I think it's best if you sit with David N'Gog."
Spearing: "N'Frog? Why?"
Woy: "Because he can help Milan settle in."
Darby: "Poor Milan."
Woy: "That'll do Dawby. Now did you do your homework?"
Darby: "You said me an' Squeak didn't 'ave to because we were too busy nickin' Jermaine Beckford's new 'ouse."
Woy: "Ah yes, I wemember. Cawwagher, have you done your music homework?"
Carragher: "Yeah."
Woy: "Come on then."
Carragher and the rest of his group make their way to the front of the class.
Lee: Liverpool FC is 'ard as 'ell. United, Tottenham, Arsenal. Watch my lips, and I will spell. Cos they don't just play, but they can rap as well."
All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."
Carragher: "Alright Stevie."
Gerrard: "Sound as a pound."
Carragher: "I'm cushty la but there's nothin' down."
Gerard: "The rest of the lads ain't got it sussed."
Both: "We'll 'ave to learn them to talk like us."
Cavalieri: "I'm rapping now, I'm rapping for fun. I'm your goalie, your number one. You can take the mick, don't call me a clown. Any more lip and you're going down."
Carragher: "Alright ace, we're great me and you."
Gerrard: "But the other lads don't talk like we do."
Carragher: "No they don't talk like us do they though la."
Both: "We'll 'ave to learn them to talk prop pa."
All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."
Babel: "You two Scousers are always yapping, I'm gonna show you some serious rapping. I come from da Holland my name is Ry Babel when I do ma tricks I leave them in a rabble."
Gerrard: "'ows 'e doin' the Jamaican rap?
Carragher: "'e's from just south of the Ajax gap."
Gerrard: "'e gives us stick about the English Dutch divide."
Carragher: "Yeah they got drugs."
Both: "But we got the side."
Aquilani: "I came to England looking for fame. So come on Hodgson give me a game. I've sat on the bench paid my dues and my fees. I am a Roman Soldier but my wife disagrees."
Lee: "They've won the League, bigger stars than Dallas. They've got more silver than Buckingham Palace. Nobody knows quite what to expect, when the Red machine is in full effect. Well Jamie C sure can rap, it's about time he had an England cap. So come on Fab Capello, he's the man. Cos if anyone can...
All: "Carra can, Carra can, Carra can, Carra can, Carra can."
Lee: "Liverpool FC is 'ard as 'ell."
Reina: "We're Spanish lads."
Ayala: "Siesta to."
Torres: "There's four of us."
Pacheco: "And only two of you."
Reina: "So if you want no trouble."
Torres: "And don't want a slap."
Four Spainiards: "You'd better teach us the Anfield rap."
Insua and Maxi: "Don't forget the Argies."
Agger: "And me the great Dane."
Johnson: "And I'm from London mate so what's your game."
Insua, Maxi, Agger, Johnson: "Well you two Scousers are always squawking, but we just let our feet do the talking."
Carragher: "Our lads come from all over the place."
Gerrard: "They talk dead funny but they play dead great."
Carragher: "Well now we've gotta learn them to talk real cool."
Both: "The song you gotta learn if you live in the pool."
All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."
All: "YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE."
The lads go to sit down.
Woy: "That was weally, weally good lads. Gold stars all wound."
Carragher: "Is right boss."
Woy: "Now before you all leave, one final thing. How are we going to beat Awsenal?"
Carragher: "By outplaying them. The way Liverpool were."
Gerrard: "Yeah, we fear nobody. We invented football and we'll show Arsenal how it should be played."
Woy: "I like the sound of that lads. In six days time, you will show why Pass and Move is the Liverpool Groove."
Carragher: "Gettin' in with the Reds' songs already Boss. Is right la."
Woy: "It feels good to be Scouse."
With that thought ringing in their ears, Mr Woy Hodgson sent the boys home to prepare for the test against Arsenal Football School. And hopefully the famous Liverpool pass and move will return to the Premiership this weekend.
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