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      Liverpool Football School

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      dunlop liddell shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #253: Apr 20, 2010 03:20:13 pm
      Tonight Crouchie. Promise.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #254: Apr 20, 2010 03:29:14 pm
      Your a good man ;)
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #255: Apr 20, 2010 04:35:35 pm
      just read through every one (took a long time) but worth it  :tv_happy:

      very good and had me creased up.realy good read great work ,very talented  8)

      looking forward to the next
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #256: Apr 20, 2010 05:03:50 pm
      DLS, you reckon you do another? The scene is set for another installment with the road trip to Spain via France. No pressure ;)

      That would be good!
      looking forward to it...
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #257: Apr 21, 2010 01:39:14 am
      Here, There and Everywhere

      As the areoplanes were all out of action, the boys of Liverpool Football School headed off to Madrid in a very unusual way. Although not all travelled in the same way, with most of the staff and kids travelling via bus, Albert Riera was told by Mr. Benitez to either swim of F***ing sink.

      Benitez: "Now lads, I know this is going to take a while but please do not get restless. It'll be as difficult for me and the rest of the staff as it will be for you."

      Carragher: "Bollocks it will. You'll be able to kip without Skrtel's sleeptalking in your ear."

      Agger: "Skrtel's been left behind Carra lad, he's grounded remember."

      Carragher: "Oh is 'e? Sound then. A good night's kip is well in order."

      Agger: "Did you bring the ale mate?"

      Carragher: "Too right. I got the essentials."

      Agger: "A good drink always helps us."

      Kyrgiakos: "Never did me any harm."

      Reina: "You do some harm to anybody who tries to stop you though in it Bubble."

      Kyrgiakos: "Oh yes. Nobody gets in my way."

      Kuyt: "I iz up for gettingz in yourz way."

      Johnson: "Nah don't G, he'll killz you. Lookz at that lookz in hiz eye."

      Kuyt: "Hiz good eye or the one thatz twitchingz."

      Johnson: "Neither G, he'z well madz."

      Kuyt: "Wait till he triez it wiv a gangzta likez me."

      Kelly: "To be 'onest Curley, 'e'd make mince meat of ya."

      Agger: "Word."

      Kuyt: "Oi Aggerz, you ain't gangzta. Don'tz you be sayingz word again blood."

      Agger: "Or F***ing what you curley haired Dutch wannabe gangster c**t?"

      Kuyt: "Or I phonez some of the boyz fromz the bad streetz of Holland. And me an' ma homeboy GJ willz fuckz you."

      Carragher: "That a fact is it Curley? Well let's f***in' 'ave it lad."

      Johnson: "Leavez it G, leavez it."

      Kuyt sits back down his seat.

      Agger: "Word. Do as your told."

      Ngog: "Don't tell me what to do, nobody tells me what to do.

      Kyrgiakos: "Nobody said anything to you Dave."

      Agger: "He's a F***ing weird one him."

      Carragher: "He's quoting Boys From The Blackstuff. Yosser says it."

      Kyrgiakos: "How does he know?"

      Ngog: "Bloody evening school at Walsall tech that's how I know."

      Everybody turns to Carragher, who looks blank. Obviously Carragher isn't as up to date with Auf Weidersehen Pet as he is with Boys From The Blackstuff.

      Agger: "Seems dead quiet without Squeak and Ste D doesn't it."

      Kyrgiakos: "Yeah I miss my little Squeak."

      Agger: "What happened to Ste D?"

      Carragher: "No c**t knows, just disappeared like."

      Reina: "Philly D kidnapped him and threw him down the cellar."

      Carragher: "Straight up Pep?"

      Reina: "Nah not all the time, up, down, sideways and any other way from what he said."

      Carragher: "One sick b***ard you Pep lad. Want sortin' out ya really do."

      Agger: "Funny, that's what your mum said last night Carra."

      Reina: "Well she's used to Philly putting her in those positions as well isn't she."

      Carragher's blood started to boil and quickly turned the subject onto somebody else.

      Carragher: "'ere look at Stevie lad. Looks proper lost doesn't he."

      Reina: "He's not the only one, since when did Texas become a stopping off point to Madrid?"

      Lee: "Since I decided it f***in' was alright. Got a f***in' problem with my f***in' drivin' 'ave ya?"

      Reina: "No Sam."

      Lee: "Good, now sit down at stop f***in' moanin'."

      Reina: "Yeah Carra, Stevie looks proper lost."

      Carragher: "You alright there Stevie lad?"

      Gerrard: "Yeah I'm sound ta."

      Carragher: "Sure?"

      Kuyt: "He saidz he'z alright Carra. So leavez him be."

      Carragher: "Shut the F**k up before I knock you the F**k out."

      Kuyt: "You tinkz you standz a chance wiv a gangzta likez me."

      Carragher walks over and smashes Kuyt's face against the window of the bus. (Kuyt looked much better afterwards)

      Carragher: "Yeah I reckon I stand a decent chance lad. Now come 'ead Stevie lad, cheer up. Nando'll be alright."

      Gerrard: "But what if isn't?"

      Carragher: "'e will be though mate. 'e's only got a dodgy knee."

      Gerrard: "He didn't look too good when I went to see him though Carra."

      Carragher: "That's because you went to see 'im the day some little c**t from Norris Green decided to nick 'is 'air gel."

      Gerrard: "I know."

      Reina: "Chrissy Lawler's nephew is bald though."

      Carragher: "That's why nobody knows why 'e nicked it. But you know Noggsy, nick anything that's not nailed down."

      Gerrard: "Can't steal my Nando's heart though."

      Carragher: "That's the spirit Stevie lad, so cheer the F**k up cos we've got one 'ell of an exam this Thursdee."

      Gerrard: "I'm well up for it now Carra."

      Reina: "Well that'll please Nando."

      Gerrard: "Usually does like."

      Some strange noises from the toilets started happening around this time as well.

      Reina: "Seems like Babel is up for it an' all."

      Carragher: "Give it one for me Ry."


      Carragher: "Good lad."

      Agger: "Never gives it a rest does he."

      Cavalieri: "Neither would you if yours was his size."

      Agger: "One, who the F**k are you and two, how the F**k do you know what size Ryan Babel's cock is?"

      Cavalieri: "One, I'm Pepe's understudy. Oh what a position to be. And two, I've had the pleasure of sharing a shower with Ryan."

      Carragher: "f***in' twisted c**t you lad."

      Cavalieri: "I think you'll find the word is bent, not twisted.

      Lucas: "Am I twisted c**t?"

      Reina: "F**k off Lukey, you don't turn forwards to be twisted."

      Lucas: "I don't understand."

      Reina: "The word forwards? We know."

      Benitez: "That'll do Reina."

      Reina: "Two forwards is more than you like isn't it Boss."

      Benitez: "I said that'll do Reina. One more comment and you'll be spending all of the time in Tokyo down here beside me."

      Cavalieri: "Some boys have all the luck."

      Benitez: "Right that's it. Here at the front of the bus Reina. Now."

      Agger: "That wasn't Pep though Sir."

      Benitez: "Did I ask for your opinion Agger?"

      Agger instantly shuts up while Reina sulks to the front of the bus beside Mr. Benitez and Yossi "the grass" Benayoun.

      Gerrard: "Eh, Docko, you up for Thursday?"

      Aquilani: "Yeso."

      Gerrard: "That's if you play like."

      Aquilani: "Well sooner or later I've got to get a game haven't I skippero."

      Gerrard: "You'd imagine, but it's hard to tell sometimes."

      Aquilani: "I quite agreeo. Thought I'd have been given some matches by nowo."

      Gerrard: "Not to worry mate, you'll still be celebrating with us in Hamburg."

      Aquilani: "I thought we were going to Madrido."

      Reina: "We were but with Sam's driving it's better to just go straight to Hamburg."

      Reina gets a slap around the back of his head from Mr. Benitez and then one from Mr. Lee as he pulls up in the car park of Athletico Madrid's School.

      Carragher: "At last Sam. We've been 'ere, there and everywhere."

      Lee: "Better late than never though eh Carra lad."

      Carragher: "Suppose so, but we've got the rematch in 'alf an 'our."

      Lee: "Better 'urry the F**k up then and win 'adn't you."

      And with those words ringing in the ears of Jamie Carragher and the rest of the boys from Liverpool Football School off they went to tw*t Athletico Madrid by at least three goals to nil.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #258: Apr 22, 2010 12:46:36 am
      Quality, mate. Love the 'o's' in Aquilani's script :D

      And the Lucas thing :lmao:
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #259: Apr 22, 2010 02:10:17 am
      Good stuff again there Billy!
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #260: May 16, 2010 01:35:52 pm
      Off On A Jolly Up In South Africa

      With the domestic school season over, it was time for some of the boys to pack up for their holidays and some to go to their international schools.

      Carragher: "Now listen lads while we're out there we've gotta stick together. Forget the international sides, we're still Scousers or at least adopted Scousers so don't forget it."

      Kuyt: "Carra iz right bloodz. Muzt stickz together."

      Carragher: "That's right Curley. I know me an' you 'aven't always seen eye to eye like, but at a time like this I'm on your side lad."

      Kuyt: "That'z coz we're fambo."

      Johnson: "Iz right gangzta."

      Agger: "Do you really wanna hang around with them two Carra?"

      Carragher: "We're all together Danny lad. Regardless of nationality, we're all Liverpool underneath. Our fans appreciate that, so it's about time the f***in' players did an' all."

      Agger: "And we're all gonna look out for each other are we? Anybody messes with the Bubble or Einstein, we'll steam in there."

      Carragher: "Who in their f***in' right mind is gonna tangle with Bubble or Einey?

      Kyrgiakos: "Yeah, nobody will mess with me or Marty Skrtel."

      Skrtel: "Erm...yeah."

      Kyrgiakos: "We'll have all of them in it Einey."

      Skrtel: "Two...f...f...F***ing left."

      Agger: "Don't you mean right Einey?"

      Reina: "Depends which side of the pitch he's on I suppose."

      Carragher: "You're about are you Pep?"

      Reina: "I'll be there don't you worry Carra. Gonna be a four week piss up."

      Carragher: "That's the spirit."

      Reina: "It'll be more than just spirits lad."

      Kuyt: "Me and ma man Babel havez taken somez beerz."

      Reina: "I think tea would be more suited to Babel the way he carries on."

      Carragher: "I 'eard 'e was on the pull for Winnie."

      Kuyt: "Nah bloodz, you mizheard him. He saidz he'z on the pull for Whoopi."

      Agger: "Goldberg?"

      Reina: "Well it's hardly gonna be cushion is it lad?

      Skrtel: "I've erm...packed...erm...a whoopee."

      Agger: "Cushion?"

      Reina: "Well it's hardly gonna be a Goldberg is it?

      Just as Reina says that, Skrtel pulls out the film Ghost starring Whoopi Goldberg and Patrick Swayze.

      Skrtel: "Sea."

      Agger: "Ah not so full of yourself now are you Pep."

      Reina: "No but if Ry sees that, his fist will be."

      As the lads giggled, although some found the thought disgusting yet couldn't help but imagine it, the plane flew into the continent of Africa.

      Torres: "Stevie will you promise me two things?"

      Gerrard: "Sure."

      Torres: "Well this time when you play a F***ing sh*t back pass will you make sure it's for me?"

      Gerrard: "I don't play sh*t back passes."

      Torres: "Come off it Stevie, that one for England against France which allowed Henry to score. And then that one a few weeks back allowing Drogba to score."

      Gerrard: "They were one offs."

      Torres: "Two one offs? So can you lay it off for me this time?"

      Gerrard: "Do you really think England will get far enough to face Spain?"

      Torres: "Good point."

      Gerrard: "What was the second thing anyway?"

      Torres: "Oh yeah, can you not go anywhere near Skrek if he scores in South Africa?"

      Gerrard: "What?"

      Torres: "Well I've heard all the rumours about you two."

      Gerrard: "Look, why would I want Shrek when I already have Prince Charming?"

      As Torres blushed, the plane touched down with the boys leaving to venture South Africa. Mascherano growled at those in the airport, Kyrgiakos frightened those in the airport and Carragher robbed those in the airport. Ah, just like home the boys thought.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #261: May 16, 2010 01:49:20 pm
      Taking the piss out of England... Love it.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #262: May 16, 2010 08:40:23 pm
      Aww Gerrard-Torres man love!!

      Love it!

      haha nice one dls.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #263: May 18, 2010 03:09:52 am
      ;D how funny... love these DLS keep it up xo
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #264: May 18, 2010 01:43:47 pm
      Nice to have it back DLS...great stuff.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #265: May 18, 2010 06:40:42 pm
      Just read the last few. Nice work, Billy!
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #266: Jul 01, 2010 10:45:53 pm
      Welcome Woy

      As the new term started, Headmasters Hicks and Gillett announced that Woy Hodgson would be the new teacher of Liverpool Football School, as former teacher Rafa Benitez has gone to be a Scouse language teacher in Milan - that's in Italy apparently.

      Woy's days as a teacher start now.

      Hicks: "I wish to welcome Woy Hodgson to Liverpool Football School. And although all the kids aren't here at present, I'm sure those that are here will show him the up most respect."

      Carragher: "So we treat 'im the exact opposite to way we treat you."

      Hicks: "If you want to put it that way then yes."

      Carragher: "Won't be exactly 'ard, since we all think you and the rest of the school governors are cu*ts."

      Grumbles can be heard from Hicks' backside.

      Carragher: "What the F**k was that."

      Gillett's head pops out and then returns for another arse licking session.

      Hicks: "Ooooh, that's the spot Georgie Porgie. You certainly are my pudding and pie."

      Spearing: "You sick f***in' c**t."

      Darby: "This weren't on my timetable for the day."

      Carragher: "Need f***in' shootin' the pair of 'em."

      Hicks: "Right quiet. Me and Georgie are going back to the office to discuss a few things with Governors Purslow and Broughton. Meanwhile, I'm going to allow Woy to speak to you."

      Woy: "Thank you Mr Hicks...

      Carragher: "And Mistress Gillett."

      Woy: "From what I've seen Cawwagher, he's no Mistwess. But that's not for us to speculate. What is for us though is to weturn to the vewy top of the Pwemieship. We're the biggest club in world football, much bigger than Inter, and we need to show it. Now do you agwee or disagwee?"

      All: "Agree."

      Woy: "So who do we have here wight now?"

      Carragher: "There's me, Stevie, Squeak, Ste D, Marty K, Checks, Scouse, Brains, Philly D, Cav, Johnno, Nfrog, Docko, Uncle Albert, Grass, and Lukey. 'aven't missed anyone 'ave I lad?"

      Spearing: "Yeah me mate, Bubble."

      Carragher: "Oh sh*t yeah, there's Bubble to."

      Woy: "Well I'm not overly sure whose who at the moment. But I'm sure I'll get to grips with it."

      Spearing: "You'll be sound boss."

      Darby: "Yeah boss, no problems."

      Pacheco: "Me and Scouse will take you round town tonight if you want?"

      Ayala: "Thought we were going to Kozy's tonight for karaoke."

      Pacheco: "And the boss can come with us. Give us a rendition of Red Red Wine."

      Woy: "Well that's verwy genewous of you, erm Checks is it? But me and the wife would like a quiet night in if that's ok."

      Pacheco: "No worries boss. And yeah I'm Checks, Ayala is Scouse."

      Woy: "Are you enjoying the World Cup then Scouse?"

      Ayala: "Yeah boss, boss in it."

      Woy: "You can call me boss."

      Ayala: "No I meant the World Cup is boss."

      Woy: "Is what?"

      Ayala: "Boss."

      Woy: "What do you want?"

      Ayala: "Eh?"

      Gerrard: "As captain, I better explain this one. Here in Liverpool sir, the word boss is used to mean something is excellent. So what Danny is trying to say is that the World Cup has been excellent."

      Woy: "Well why didn't he just say that? I'm going to have my work cut out with him."

      Carragher: "I wouldn't start gettin' lippy first day boss. We can turn very easily."

      Woy: "I'm in charge, so I'll do as I like Cawwa."

      Carragher: "It's your funeral."

      Lucas: "Can it be my funeral?"

      Carragher: "If you're still 'ere at the end of August Lukey, I'll personally kill you."

      Lucas: "Why has everything you say got to be about me."

      Spearing: "Cheeky tw*t."

      Aquilani: "Quite agreeo Squeako."

      Woy: "I can speak Italian myself."

      Aquilani: "Reallyo?"

      Woy: "Yeso."

      Aquilani: "We should geto along quiet wello theno."

      Woy: "I should imagine we willo."

      Carragher: "That Italian seems easy enough to pick up."

      Insua: "Well actually Carra, it's slightly more difficult than what is being portrayed here but since our creator, as wonderful as he is, doesn't know a single word of Italian and has just used the stereotype that every Italian word ends in the letter "o". So he's just using English words and putting an "o" on the end. He thinks he is being clever and the dimwits at LFCReds think it is amusing, those like myself with an IQ of above 10 think it is not only offensive to Italians but also shows a distinct lack of respect."

      Carragher: "F**k off Brains. It's too early in the season for lectures."

      Insua: "I see you do not wish to be educated."

      Carragher: "Not right now thank you very much."

      Woy: "I agree with Brainso."

      Spearing: "You're really not endearing yourself to the right people here boss."

      Woy: "Are you saying that's an excellent thing to do or are you calling me boss?"

      Gerrard: "I'll clear this one up as well."

      Carragher: "Good lad Stevie."

      Gerrard: "If, here in school, the word "boss" is spelt with an upper case "b" then we can assume they mean you Boss. If it's spelt with a lower case "b" then we can assume the person is just stating something is good."

      Woy: "Ah wight. Thank you for cleawing that up Stevie."

      Gerrard: "It's my job as club captain. I don't like to be quiet in these situations."

      Kelly: "We've noticed Stevie."

      Gerrard: "You giving cheeky Marty?"

      Kelly: "As if I would."

      Gerrard: "You better not sunshine."

      Discussions continued around the class as Woy took stock of his first day as teacher. The occasional scream from the staff room was heard but only Woy seemed surprised, the class didn't flinch after all they were used to it from Ryan Babel.

      Woy: "Can I just have evewybody's attention for a minute. I want to thank you all for making me feel welcome hewe at Anfield. And I hope to have a good welationship with all of you."

      Carragher: "Wait till the rest of the boys get here Boss. Pep, Dags an' Skerts will give you a proper welcome."

      Darby: "Adopted Scouse style."

      Woy: "I look forward to it."

      Pacheco: "Come out with me and Scouse then Boss. Get you used to it because you won't know what's hit you when Pepe takes you out for a drink."

      The new manager agreed (or in his case agweed) and off he went with Pacheco and Ayala for a sing song. The rest of lads went home and we all here at Liverpool Football School HQ and LFCReds wish Woy the best of luck.
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #267: Jul 01, 2010 11:02:45 pm
          :lmao:   :lmao:   :lmao:       

       Brilliant DLS, Must have taken you all day, Now go to the back of the class!!                       
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #268: Jul 01, 2010 11:16:22 pm
      Why didn't anyone make fun of Rafa's accent?
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #269: Jul 01, 2010 11:35:43 pm
      Why didn't anyone make fun of Rafa's accent?

      Why would they when it is basically exactly the same to the others Spaniards we have speaking English?
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #270: Jul 01, 2010 11:37:38 pm
      Love it, Billy!  :D
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #271: Jul 02, 2010 11:32:58 am
      Why didn't anyone make fun of Rafa's accent?
      You mean like Kwalitee?  I think we did.  Get a grip.

      Well in Billy-o. ;)
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #272: Jul 02, 2010 03:58:04 pm
      Really good!
      Frankly, Mr Shankly
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #273: Jul 02, 2010 08:47:01 pm
      You mean like Kwalitee?  I think we did.  Get a grip.

      Well in Billy-o. ;)

      Alright! Jaysus!
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #274: Jul 02, 2010 09:19:47 pm
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      Re: Liverpool Football School
      Reply #275: Aug 10, 2010 01:38:35 am
      Less Than A Week To Go

      With only six days to go until Liverpool Football School's opening test against Arsenal's Football School, new teacher Woy Hodgson wanted to go over the plan for beating Arsenal.

      Woy: "So how will we beat Awsenal?"

      Carragher: "By scorin' more goals than them."

      Woy: "Well yes Cawwagher that is is wight, but I was hoping for some answers to how that would happen."

      Spearing: "By puttin' the ball in the net more times than them."

      Woy: "Again that is wight Spearing but how?"

      Spearing: "You're the teacher lad, shouldn't you know?"

      Woy: "I do know, I want to know if you know."

      Darby: "Are you teachin' us or we teachin' you?"

      Reina: "Ten to one we have to teach him."

      Woy: "What was that Weina?"

      Reina: "Well what do you expect?"

      Woy: "Even money."

      Agger: "That's stretching it a bit Boss."

      Woy: "Maybe you're wight Agger."

      Agger: "Nah I'm left footed me Boss."

      Woy: "Wight."

      Agger: "No left."

      Woy: "Left."

      Agger: "Right."

      Carragher: "Dan leave it lad, don't confuse him anymore."

      Agger: "Already Carra. Sorry Boss."

      Woy: "That's OK Agger. I accept your apology."

      Kelly: "So what are we doing today Boss?"

      Woy: "Well firstly I'd like you to welcome the new boys to the class and then we'll see who has done the homework I set them."

      Kelly: "What new boys?"

      Woy: "Cole, Jovanovich, Wilson and Auwelio."

      Carragher: "Aurelio isn't knew, thought we'd seen the back of that c**t."

      Agger: "Must be joking Carra. We can't give away the sh*t Brazilians."

      Lucas: "Does that include me?"

      Spearing: "What the F**k do you think Lukey?"

      Lucas: "I think I'm highly talented."

      Spearing: "And I think Cilla Black would be a great shag but it doesn't make it true."

      Kuyt: "Oi Titch, don'tz be dizzin' ma hoe Cilla. She iz a shag in it G?"

      Johnson: "Gangbangz that bi*ch."

      Kuyt: "Iz right G. Whatz ya homeboy Cole like G?"

      Johnson: "He'z one of uz blood."

      Kuyt: "More memberz of the crew da betterz."

      Johnson: "Exactly."

      Aquilani: "I still don't understando a wordo you two sayo."

      Kuyt: "What blood?"

      Carragher: "'e said 'e can't understand you or Johnno."

      Kuyt: "It'z eazier to underztandz than Scouze."

      Johnson: "Definately G."

      Aquilani: "I don't agreeo with thato."

      Kuyt: "Who the fuckz azked you Docko?"

      Carragher: "Who the F**k asked you to open your mouth in the first place you curly haired ginger wannabe dutch gangster c**t?"

      Lucas: "I did."

      Carragher turns round and decks Lucas.

      Carragher: "Well ya f***in' shouldn't of lad."

      Woy: "Now Cawwagher there will be no violence in my classroom."

      Reina: "Looks like you're a bit late there Boss."

      Woy: "Well there'll be no more."

      Reina: "You might wanna tell that to Bubble and Squeak who are kicking the sh*t out of Aurelio."

      Mr Hodgson turns round to see Reina is right. Spearing and Kyrgiakos are indeed putting Aurelio into the treatment room. (again)

      Woy: "Stop now. Evewybody sit down."

      The lads sit, well most of them do. Lucas and Aurelio lie on the floor.

      Woy: "I want you to welcome Joe Cole. Joe would you like to say a few words?

      Cole: "Cushty. I'd just like to say thanks to everybody. Though it was a bugger to find, the cab driver went up the wrong frog making me walk for miles. My plates are in agony now."

      Johnson: "You doez look cream crackered Joez."

      Cole: "I am bruv."

      Woy: "Thank you Joe."

      Joe Cole goes to sit down while at the back at the room murmours of "another southern cockney c**t" can be heard.

      Woy: "Who'd like to speak next? Wilson or Jovanovich?

      Wilson: "Aye I will."

      Woy: "OK Danny, come on up."

      Wilson: "I'm Danny Wilson. Eighteen from Glasgow..."

      Reina: "It's not Blind Date lad."

      Kuyt: "Don'tz you speakz about ma Cilla'z show."

      Reina: "Don't even start on me Curly because I will just tw*t you."

      Kuyt sits down with his crew.

      Wilson: "Aye OK Blind Date. Like I was saying I'm from Glasgow so if any of you try anything with me, I'll clobber you."

      Ayala: "Doesn't clobber mean clothes?"

      Pacheco: "That's what I thought."

      Carragher: "Scouse to the core you two."

      Wilson: "Aye clothes. Just letting you know that's all."

      Woy: "Thank you Danny. I think you are best sitting with the rest of the central defenders."

      Wilson goes to sit with Carragher, Agger, Skrtel and Kyrgiakos. They welcome him to the centre half club.

      Woy: "OK Jovanovich, you're up now.

      Jovanovich: "Yes thank you. I am Milan."

      Spearing: "You're a city?"

      Jovanovich: "No my name is Milan."

      Carragher: "Not another one, we had enough Milan's with Baros."

      Gerrard: "He was a greedy c**t him wasn't he Carra lad."

      Carragher: "Almost as bad as Chubby Doss."

      Gerrard: "He still phones me and asks if I can send him some of Alex's homemade cake."

      Carragher: "As long as that's all 'e wants off Alex."

      Jovanovich: "As I was saying..."

      Carragher: "Don't be interuptin' me an' Stevie lad. That's not a good start."

      Gerrard: "Let him go on Carra, might get out of here a bit quicker."

      Torres: "I thought you liked it up there."

      Gerrard: "I do Nando, but I meant this classroom."

      Torres: "Oh, silly me."

      Jovanovich: "My name is Milan. And I'm from Serbia. And I am a good player."

      Reina: "Talk about in depth discussion."

      Woy: "Thank you Milan. I think it's best if you sit with David N'Gog."

      Spearing: "N'Frog? Why?"

      Woy: "Because he can help Milan settle in."

      Darby: "Poor Milan."

      Woy: "That'll do Dawby. Now did you do your homework?"

      Darby: "You said me an' Squeak didn't 'ave to because we were too busy nickin' Jermaine Beckford's new 'ouse."

      Woy: "Ah yes, I wemember. Cawwagher, have you done your music homework?"

      Carragher: "Yeah."

      Woy: "Come on then."

      Carragher and the rest of his group make their way to the front of the class.

      Lee: Liverpool FC is 'ard as 'ell. United, Tottenham, Arsenal. Watch my lips, and I will spell. Cos they don't just play, but they can rap as well."

      All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."

      Carragher: "Alright Stevie."

      Gerrard: "Sound as a pound."

      Carragher: "I'm cushty la but there's nothin' down."

      Gerard: "The rest of the lads ain't got it sussed."

      Both: "We'll 'ave to learn them to talk like us."

      Cavalieri: "I'm rapping now, I'm rapping for fun. I'm your goalie, your number one. You can take the mick, don't call me a clown. Any more lip and you're going down."

      Carragher: "Alright ace, we're great me and you."

      Gerrard: "But the other lads don't talk like we do."

      Carragher: "No they don't talk like us do they though la."

      Both: "We'll 'ave to learn them to talk prop pa."

      All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."

      Babel: "You two Scousers are always yapping, I'm gonna show you some serious rapping. I come from da Holland my name is Ry Babel when I do ma tricks I leave them in a rabble."

      Gerrard: "'ows 'e doin' the Jamaican rap?

      Carragher: "'e's from just south of the Ajax gap."

      Gerrard: "'e gives us stick about the English Dutch divide."

      Carragher: "Yeah they got drugs."

      Both: "But we got the side."

      Aquilani: "I came to England looking for fame. So come on Hodgson give me a game. I've sat on the bench paid my dues and my fees. I am a Roman Soldier but my wife disagrees."

      Lee: "They've won the League, bigger stars than Dallas. They've got more silver than Buckingham Palace. Nobody knows quite what to expect, when the Red machine is in full effect. Well Jamie C sure can rap, it's about time he had an England cap. So come on Fab Capello, he's the man. Cos if anyone can...

      All: "Carra can, Carra can, Carra can, Carra can, Carra can."

      Lee: "Liverpool FC is 'ard as 'ell."

      Reina: "We're Spanish lads."

      Ayala: "Siesta to."

      Torres: "There's four of us."

      Pacheco: "And only two of you."

      Reina: "So if you want no trouble."

      Torres: "And don't want a slap."

      Four Spainiards: "You'd better teach us the Anfield rap."

      Insua and Maxi: "Don't forget the Argies."

      Agger: "And me the great Dane."

      Johnson: "And I'm from London mate so what's your game."

      Insua, Maxi, Agger, Johnson: "Well you two Scousers are always squawking, but we just let our feet do the talking."

      Carragher: "Our lads come from all over the place."

      Gerrard: "They talk dead funny but they play dead great."

      Carragher: "Well now we've gotta learn them to talk real cool."

      Both: "The song you gotta learn if you live in the pool."

      All: "Walk on, walk on. With hope, in your heart. And you'll never walk alone."


      The lads go to sit down.

      Woy: "That was weally, weally good lads. Gold stars all wound."

      Carragher: "Is right boss."

      Woy: "Now before you all leave, one final thing. How are we going to beat Awsenal?"

      Carragher: "By outplaying them. The way Liverpool were."

      Gerrard: "Yeah, we fear nobody. We invented football and we'll show Arsenal how it should be played."

      Woy: "I like the sound of that lads. In six days time, you will show why Pass and Move is the Liverpool Groove."

      Carragher: "Gettin' in with the Reds' songs already Boss. Is right la."

      Woy: "It feels good to be Scouse."

      With that thought ringing in their ears, Mr Woy Hodgson sent the boys home to prepare for the test against Arsenal Football School. And hopefully the famous Liverpool pass and move will return to the Premiership this weekend.

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