Liverpool Football School

Haha, that's boss, well in DLS. 

I love your stories!

Would like another one when we have a trophy please!!!

In my opinion, best one yet that.

I'd + you if I wasn't on my phone so maybe someone can + you on behalf of me!

Very, very good.

Just read them all. Genius is all I can say mate. Gotta love Lucas.

Cockney Mafia

As the boys started another day of Liverpool Football School, Mr Woy Hodgson noticed a few concerns by some of the lads.

Woy: "I have noticed a few concerns by some of you lads."

Carragher: "That's because there's more f***in' Cockneys at the club than Scousers."

Woy: "And that bothers you does it Cawwagher?"

Carragher: "Of course it f***in' bothers me. A Scouse club bein' run by the Cockney Mafia."

Agger: "And ruined by the Yankee Mafia."

Carragher: "Good point that Dan."

Woy: "What do you want me to do about it then?"

Carragher: "Get Terror, Turkey, Giro and Johnno down here."

Woy: "Who?"

Carragher: "Shelvey, Konchesky, Cole and Johnson."

Aurelio: "What was with the dodgy names?"

Carragher: "Shelvey is as bald as a coot so we nicknamed him Terror as the leader of the baldies in the Wanderers is called Terror. Konchesky was gonna be called Chili as in chili con carne but Turkey is also in the Wanderers and a baldie at some point and we thought Paul Konturkey sounded better than Chill Konchesky. Joe Cole is called Giro as Nat King Cole is Cockney rhyming slang for the dole and that's what Liverpool is most famous for. Johnno is pretty self explanatory."

Kuyt: "Hiz name iz not Johnno. It iz homeboy in itz G."

Johnson: "Iz right blood."

Kuyt: "So callz him by hiz proper namez Carragher."

Carragher: "Shut the F**k up Curly. I'm in no mood for you."

Spearing: "Me neither."

Kuyt: "Who azked youz Squeak?"

Spearing: "I asked meself soft lad."

Reina: "You can get put away for talking to yourself you know Squeak."

Cole: "You Scousers do my nut in."

Carragher: "I'll do you in you southern tw*t if you talk about Scousers like that again."

Johnson: "Just you tryz it Carra. We've got Giro'z back in it G."

Kuyt: "Courze. Giro Gangzta iz one of ma bloodz."

Konchesky: "What about me bruv?"

Johnson: "You as well Turk. You iz blood. Terror to."

Carragher: "You think you Cockneys' could handle Scousers? Well, in language you might understand, lets 'ave it."

Konchesky: "You're out of your league bruv, stand on me."

Darby: "'ell do more than stand on you if you speak like that round 'ere."

Konchesky: "Whose this geezer eh bruv?"

Cole: "Beats me. Bet he's never had a ruck in his life though."

Spearing: "'e'll ruck you."

Shelvey: "Shut it you before I hit you round the canister."

Cole: "Then I'll break your gregory."

Johnson: "I'll stand on your plates of meet."

Konchesky: "Before I make you brown bread."

Reina: "He prefers white with a bit of jam."

Spearing: "You tell them Pep."

Cole: "Lets just do him in boys."

The Cockney Mafia (and Dirk Kuyt) make their way towards Spearing until Sotirios Kyrgiakos stands up behind Spearing.

Kyrgiakos: You mess with the Squeak, you mess with the Bubble."

Cockney Mafia: "Right."

Kyrgiakos: "Now before I turn ugly...

Reina: "Too late."

Kyrgiakos: "Fair point...

Reina: "You don't have any."

Kyrgiakos: "Another fair point. This time can I finish a sentence?"

Reina: "Depends how long the court sentence you for and how much of the stretch you actually do."

Kyrgiakos: "I suppose so. But as I was saying to you Cockney Mafia, until my attitude turns ugly I suggest you leave my little Squeak alone."

The Cockney Mafia nod and make their way back to their corner of the room, meanwhile new boy Raul Meireles is being taught English by David Ngog. Ngog shows Meireles a picture of a hammer

Ngog: "Hammer."

Meireles: "Hammer sandwich?"

Ngog: "No not a hammer sandwich. Hammer."

Meireles: "My hamster?"

Ngog: "No not your hamster, how can I bang a nail in with you hamster? Well I could try."

Meireles: "Que?"

Lucas: "How come you never tried to teach me English Dave?"

Jovanovich: "Probably because you arrived before him."

Maxi: "Talk about stating the obvious."

Jovanovich: "What did you say Argie?"

Jovanovich flies off the handle while Maxi turns as white as a ghost.

Maxi: "Nothing I didn't say nothing."

Jovanovich: "You better not have."

Aurelio: "Do you have problems controlling your anger Milan?"

Jovanovich: "I'll have problems with you if you carry on."

Aurelio too realised this was probably a good time to be quiet.

Carragher: "Lot of use you were."

Gerrard: "You talking to me mate?"

Carragher: "Yes I'm talkin' to you "captain"."

Gerrard: "What's up like?"

Carragher: "You saw those Cockneys tryin' to F**k us over and you just sat here doin' nothin'."

Torres: "Not quite nothing Carra. Torres says zipping his kecks back up

Carragher: "At least you know what a dick looks like Stevie, now I can show you a c**t because four of them were tryin' to get us before."

Gerrard: "I'm sorry Carra, I had my hands full."

Reina: "And mouth by the sounds of things."

Carragher: "Those Cockneys try anythin' an' they'll 'ave their mouths full of me fist."

Spearing: "Eh Carra."

Carragher: "What mate?"

Spearing: "Just been thinkin'...

Reina: "We heard the wheels going round."

Spearing: "No seriously...

Reina: "I was serious."

Carragher: "For once."

Reina: "Nah I was serious when I said Stevie had his mouth full as well."

Reina and Carragher laughed while Spearing was still trying to get what he wanted to say out.

Darby: "Come on Jay, spit it out."

Reina: "That's what Stevie was saying to Nando."

Agger: "Uncalled for that one Pep."

Reina: "I know, they'd only just had one in the bogs."

Spearing: "Listen to me."

Carragher: "'urry up Squeak."

Spearing: "Now we 'ave Terror and Turkey, shouldn't Marty be called Peewee?"

Darby: "Why like?"

Spearing: "Cos she's the Baldies' lady in the Wanderers."

Darby: "But Marty isn't the Cockneys' lady."

Spearing: "No but we've got two Marty's, just tryin' to make it easier."

Kyrgiakos: "Good try Squeak."

Agger: "Who is the other Marty?"

Spearing: "Marty Kelly."

Carragher: "Keep up Squeak, 'e was christened Don when we went the Krazy'ouse on Satdee."

Spearing: "Why?"

Carragher: "MK Dons but I do like the idea of Skrtel bein' called Peewee. Just kinda suits 'im doesn't it."

Spearing: "See."

Skrtel: "Does this...erm...mean...I have...a nick...nick...nickname."

Carragher: "Aye lad, you're now Peewee."

As the lads christened Peewee in typical Scouse fashion - plenty of whiskey and bottles of brown - the Cockney Mafia were plotting a plan they were going to execute in midweek against some Romanian side.

To see if the Cockney Mafia execute their plan or in fact the Scousers and Cockneys can get actually get along tune in on Thursday.

Great Stuff

Well boys and girls we're back, mainly due to the fact that I'm rather bored and it's been a while. Over a year since we were informed of what's going on at Liverpool Football School, so I think it only fair we see what the latest at the School is.

New Classmates, New Teachers, New Headmasters, Same Childish Humour

J.W.Henry: "Well boys, we know it's been a long time since the School shut down but due to the previous teachings, we weren't going to allow you to embarrass us and therefore closed for just over a year before allowing you to return to the public domain. It's also taken us the last nine months to understand a single word Mr Dalglish says and we've been trying to understand the general consensus of this game soccer."

Carragher: "It's called footy."

J.W.Henry: "Ah yes, thank you buddy. It's taken us a while to understand "footy" but we think we've got there in the end. We've been watching videos of Everton and that's helped us because it showed us exactly how it shouldn't be played. Now I'm going to leave you in the hands of Mr Dalglish as I'm sure he has plenty of work for you to do. Mr Dalglish?"

Mr Dalglish mumbles.

Robinson: "What did 'e say la?"

Carragher: "Why you actin' Scouse Robbo lad. You're a f***in' wool from Warrington."

Flanagan: "Leave him Carra lad, we're all Scouse at this club."

Gerrard: "Is right Flanno, we're all Red regardless of our location."

Carragher: "Trust the Knowsley lad to agree."

Flanagan: "Carra you soft c**t you're from Sefton. Squeak is more Scouse than you."

Jay "Squeak" Spearing looks all smug.

Carragher: "Keep goin' Flanno an' I'll f***in' tw*t ya."

Maxi: "Some boys have all the luck."

Carragher: "Say somethin' then did ya Rod?"

Maxi: "Me? I never speak out of turn."

Carragher: "Good cos I'll tw*t you an' all."

Maxi: "In that case I spoke an awful lot Jamie Baby."

Carragher jumps up to hit Maxi while the new North-East mafia becomes the center of discussion among the Scousers and associates.

Kelly: "So what d'ya lads reckon of the newbies."

Gerrard: "Jordy seems alright, not sure on Ten though."

Robinson: "How can a f***in' Mackem be called Geordie?"

Reina: "Don't think he had much choice in what his parents called him to be fair Robbo."

Spearing: "Good point Pepe lad. And Ten's alright ya know Stevie. Dead clever by all accounts."

Gerrard: "So was Insua an' look what 'appened there."

Kelly: "You've turned dead Scouse again since that tw*t Torres left Stevie."

Gerrard: "'e didn't like me usin' me accent. Said he's always preferred the well spoken English as opposed to fluent Scouse."

Kelly: "Cheeky f***in' c**t."

Flanagan: "F**k 'im.

A voice from underneath Jamie Carragher says "I will."

Gerrard: "Just forget 'im. We've got the bitters next, that's what we gotta focus on."

Spearing: "D'ya reckon I'll play or will Kenny stick with Apple."

Reina: "So it's a sticky apple?"

Flanagan: "Very good Pepe. What else you get for Christmas other than Jimmy Tarbuck's joke book?"

Reina: "Your mother. And trust me she was no virgin Mary."

Flanagan and Reina get into a fight while class gangsters Dirk and Glen try to recruit new long distance runner Seb Co(ates)

Kuyt: "Sappin' Seb blood. I iz nicknamingz you Lord as Lord Coe ya dig blood."

Coates, already finding English difficult to understand now has Scouse and Gangster Dutch to try and understand as well as his manager who speaks an entire different version of English to anyone else at the club. So he just smiles at Kuyt.

Kuyt: "Stick with me an' ma main man GJ an' ya'll be finez Lord. In that right GJ man?"

Johnson: "Damn straight Curlz."

Kuyt: "Reckonz we needz some new boyz to GJ. Got me eyez on Chriztmas Carroll."

Johnson: "He ain't gangsta blood. Truzt me. I seez him wiv England an' he'z not gangsta."

Kuyt: "But he'z been inzide an' kickz shitz out of girlz in Newcaztle blood."

Johnson: "He'z a drunk Curlz not gangsta."

Kuyt: "Alrightz GJ man. I truztz ya judgementz. Lordz you in man?"

Coates, still looking like he's made a mistake in sitting in the company of Kuyt and Johnson, again just smiles.

Henderson: "You boys got a nickname yet?"

Downing: "Yeah I've been called Ten."

Skrtel: "B...bu...but you were number nin....nin...nineteen."

Downing: "I believe it's in reference to Ten Downing Street."

Skrtel: "What's that?"

Downing: "Is he serious?"

Bellamy: "Apparently. I've been here before and he wasn't but I've heard that he's not the sharpest tool in the box."

Skrtel: "I'm not a...I'm not a...I'm not a tool Taff."

Bellamy: "That's more than debatable Marty."

Downing: "What's your nickname anyway Jordan?"

Henderson: "From what I can make out it's Jordy Mackem."

Downing: "Original bunch these Scousers then."

Bellamy: "Don't knock them Ten. They're a good laugh."

Downing: "I don't doubt that Taff, just not very original with nicknames. What's Luis' nickname?"

Bellamy: "Statue."

Skrtel: "But...but..."

Bellamy: "He's not a statue Marty, thank you for that insight."

Skrtel looks all pleased with himself while the vast majority of the lads (and most reading this probably) are trying to work out why Luis Suarez' nickname is Statue.

Bellamy: "I'll let one of the Scousers explain this one as it's more a Scouse thing."

Gerrard: "I'll take it as captain. Luis' nickname is Statue because one of the most famous meeting points in Liverpool is the Statue on top of Lewis' in town."

Lucas: "I still don't have a nickname."

Spearing: "So f***in' what Lukey."

Lucas: "But I've become an important member of the team so I should have a nickname should I not."

Spearing: "No you f***in' shouldn't, so shut the F**k up."

Downing: "Like I said earlier, very original these Scousers."

The Scousers and associates end up scrapping with the North East, South American and Dutch Gangsters mafia.

Dalglish: mumbles that only Adam, Wilson and Clarke can understand.

However it did seem something like "stop fighting with one another and instead F**k those bitter tw*ts tomorrow cos that's what's more important".

Stay tuned for tomorrow's victory party which may not actually appear tomorrow as our masterful comical, and oh so modest, genius writer is meant to be in town tomorrow night.

wtf....?

Another good one Billy well done mate,can't wait for the next episode on the Everton victory.

Brendan Is The Boss

With the first real exam of the new school term just a few days away, Headmaster Henry wanted all students in so he could get the message across to them of what was expected. It was also a chance for new teacher, Mr Rodgers, to put his expectations across to the pupils.

JWH: "Howdy partners, I hope y'all had a swell summer. Mine was awesome. But now we're back to business with the Liverpool Red Sox Soccer Club. And this season guys, we expect you to win the Premiership World Series and Super Europa League Bowl. Now we know there's a bit of discontent about Penny Dog Leash being sacked but we've hired an even awesomer head coach in Brandon Dodgers who I'm sure y'all will love. So without further ado let me introduce you to Mr. Brandon Dodgers, your new head coach."

Mr. Rodgers makes his way to the front of the assembly hall and addresses his class.

Rodgers: "Firstly, I want everyone to know my name is Brendan Rodgers spelled B A S T A R D. And anyone who forgets that, will be kindly reminded. Either by myself or one of my friends over in Northern Ireland where they know a fair bit about kind reminders."

Enrique: "I'd like to see him try that with me."

Mr. Rodgers leaves his post on the stage, walks up to Jose Enrique and plants a headbutt on him knocking Enrique to the ground with a broken nose. Mr. Rodgers then returns to the stage to continue.

Rodgers: "Anyone else want to see me try?"

Reina: "Only if it's on Enrique again Sir."

Rodgers: "No, I think he's learned his lesson. Have the rest of you learned whose boss around here?"

All: "Yes Sir."

Rodgers: "Good, because I'm not evil or vindictive I just like people to know their place. When it's time to be serious, I expect everyone of you to be serious. When it's time to play, that's when you can piss about until your hearts content. Understand?"

All: "Yes Sir."

Rodgers: "Good. Now that's the minimum I expect from you, I expect you to follow my instructions and show me, your classmates, your fans and the rest of the school respect. If you do that for me, I'll face the critics for you. Anyone who fails to show respect will be straight out the door and not welcomed into my class again. So remember that. Now I believe there's some new boys you haven't yet met, so let me introduce Fabio Borini and Joe Allen. Before we start any lessons today, I want you to take a thirty minute break to interact with your new classmates. Show them around, get them up to speed on how things work at Liverpool Football School and above all else, show them the respect that they show you."

The class break out onto the yard. Glen Johnson, now leader of the Gangsta Crew with Dirk "Curly" Kuyt leaving during the summer quickly takes to Fabio Borini under his wing as a new recruit. While Joe Allen gets dragged away with Lucas Leiva.

Johnson: "S'appenin' holmes?"

Borini: "Mamma mia."

Johnson: "Yeah man, me'z to. Youz speakz any Englizh?"

Borini: "Here I go again."

Johnson: "Okayz itz a start holmes. But we gotta gangzta you upz man. Gotza give you a gangzta name to homie. You likez the name Fab Yo."

Borini: "My, my."

Johnson: "I takez that az a yez. Now lizten up Fab Yo, we gotza recruitz some new blood. I'm finkin' Shelvey an' Jonez. Whatcha fink?"

Borini: "How can I resist you?"

Johnson: "Iz da right anzwer. Followz me Fab Yo."

So while GJ and Fab Yo go recruiting, Joe Allen soon discovers that Lucas only likes to talk about Lucas.

Lucas: "Do you remember the time I played against Swansea?"

Allen: "Yes boyo I do."

Lucas: "Yeah me to, I was very good that game mind you I'm very good every game. You won't stand much chance of playing when I'm fit because I'm the best student this club has. I know I sound arrogant saying that but I'm only being honest aren't I?"

Allen: "I haven't really had time to judge if you're the best or not."

Lucas: "Well I am."

Allen: "I was considered the best at Swansea."

Lucas looks disgusted at Joe Allen's remark and makes his way over the South American Posse along with Luis "Grand Wizard" Suarez, "Lord" Seb Coates and Alexander "Cricket" Doni.

Coates: "What's up Lukey?"

Lucas: "I can't believe that new boy Allen."

Coates: "Why, what's he done?"

Lucas: "Alls he wants to talk about is him. I was telling him how I'm the hardest working student in this school and he cuts right across me to talk about himself some more. I can't stand people who only want to talk about themselves. Well I won't be talking to him again that's all I can say."

Suarez: "Shame he isn't black then he could have been Taffy Negro."

Coates: "You've been told not say that word again."

Suarez: "OK I won't say Taffy anymore."

They continued to discuss Joe Allen, Luis Suarez' racist traits and why the F**k Alex Doni is even here. Meanwhile, Joe Allen had found himself with "The Brits", "The Cockney Crew" and "North East Mafia" or in other words - Charlie Adam, Danny Wilson, Joe Cole, Jonjo Shelvey, Raheem Sterling Andy Carroll, Jordan Henderson and Stuart Downing.

Adam: "You got a nickname yet Joe?"

Allen: "No boyo."

Adam: "We'll sort that out won't we Dan?"

Wilson: "Aye, ock aye."

Allen: "So what are all your nicknames?"

Adam: "Gummy."

Wilson: "Jock."

Cole: "Was Flash but changed now to Froggy."

Shelvey: "Terror."

Sterling: "Moss."

Carroll: "Christmas."

Downing: "Ten."

Henderson: "Jordy Mackem."

Allen: "I'm anxious to find mine out."

Adam: "Just don't let Lukey name you, he'll probably name you Lucas The Second."

Allen: "I've already had that encounter."

Carroll: "Don't worry about it Joe."

Allen: "So who does the nicknaming?"

Cole: "It's usually the ginger beer Carragher. He's the one up the frog and toad there."

Cole points over the yard towards Carragher who is surrounded by Gerrard, Reina, Agger, Skrtel, Kelly, Spearing, Robinson and Flanagan.

Carragher: "So what are we gonna call the new boys?"

Kelly: "Gladbach?"

Carragher: "Explain Don?"

Kelly: "Well he's called Joe, he's Welsh and the famous Kop banner about another Welsh Joe - Joey Jones - said "now he's Munchen Gladbach". Clever huh?"

Skrtel: "I don't...erm...get...that joke...erm...Don."

Reina: "Well that proves your point doesn't it Don?"

Gerrard: "I like it Don but I think we could do better."

Kelly: "Any suggestions?"

Spearing: "We need a new Bubble and he's the same height as me, plays the same position."

Carragher: "Good point that Squeak."

Robinson: "So it's a toss up between Gladbach and Bubble is it la?"

Flanagan: "Robbo stop being Scouse you wool."

Robinson: "Alright kidda, calm down calm down."

Spearing: "Both of you calm down."

Flanagan: "Don't you f***in' start lad, Robbo's Scouser than you are."

Spearing: "But we're both better students than you Flanno so sit down."

Flanagan sits down, hanging his head in shame.

Gerrard: "Come on what's it gonna be - Gladbach or Bubble?

Carragher: "Gladbach."

Kelly: "Gladbach."

Gerrard: "Well I like Bubble."

Spearing: "Me to Stevie. Bubble."

Robinson: "Bubble."

Reina: "Gladbach."

Skrtel: "Erm...Joe."

Reina: "We'll flip a coin for him."

Gerrard: "Flanno?"

Flanagan sits in silence, still sulking.

Reina: "Flip a coin for him as well."

Gerrard: "Dan?"

They all look round to Agger who has been silent throughout.

Gerrard: "Danny? Gladbach or Bubble?"

Agger remains silent.

Carragher: "What the fucks up with 'im?"

Gerrard: "Looks like sutton is playin' on 'is mind."

Carragher: "Well 'e better snap the F**k out of it before I start playin' the drums on 'is mind."

Gerrard: "Dan, what's up lad?"

Agger: "I'm leaving boys."

Carragher: "Are you F**k."

Agger: "No, Carra I'm really leaving. Mummy and Daddy told me today."

Carragher: "Leaving for where?"

Agger: "Warmer climate."

Gerrard: "Like Spain or Italy?"

Agger: "No, Manchester."

Carragher: "Are you F**k Danny lad, you're stayin' put there alright. No f***in' chance you're goin' to that shithole. An' if ya do lad, I'll f***in' tw*t ya next time I see ya."

Agger: "I don't want to go."

Spearing: "Well don't go then Danny."

Agger: "It's not that simple Squeak. They say I have to if I want to further my education."

Reina: "Further your education? Look at Skrtel, he's thick as sh*t and gets along just fine."

Gerrard: "Now isn't the time Pep."

Kelly: "He's only tryin' to lighten the mood Stevie."

Gerrard: "I know Don, but not now. This is serious."

Carragher: "It's more than f***in' serious. 'ave you spoke to the teachers and headmaster about it Dan?"

Agger: "Yes. They said it might be better if I did leave so the School could get some new books, computers and maybe even some foreign exchange students without the headmaster having to dip his hand into his own pocket."

Carragher: "f***in' yank."

Agger: "It's not their fault. I just need to think about it on my own. Tell Sir, I've gone home will you Carra?"

Carragher: "Alright lad, but don't be leavin' ok?"

Agger: "I'll think about it.

As Agger left via the Paisley School Gates, the bell rang and at last the class started their lessons. Firstly with Geography where they discussed the benefits of visiting Amsterdam in May, then it was music where Luis Suarez' rendition of Pretty Fly For A White Guy kicked up a media storm, thirdly was maths were Mr. Rodgers counted the class to discover he was one short until Jay Spearing announced that being one short was nothing, he'd been at least one short his entire life. The fourth lesson of the day was RE where the class discussed the ways and means of Robbie Fowler. And finally they had the pleasure of PE and today's sport was dodgeball in which Suarez hit his own teammates - Sterling and Johnson - just to ensure they went out while Flanagan and Robinson got into another fight after Robinson said "is right" upon catching the ball.

Then just as the lads were getting changed to go home, Martin Skrtel turned to Reina and said "eh, I'm not...erm...th..thi..thi ck as...erm...sh*t."

Tune in again shortly though for another edition of Liverpool Football School which will be full of even more bollocks that makes no F***ing sense at all.

DLS my mate, that was friggin brilliant 

A massive plus for you 

I loved this line.....Carragher: "Are you F**k Danny lad, you're stayin' put there alright. No f***in' chance you're goin' to that shithole. An' if ya do lad, I'll f***in' tw*t ya next time I see ya."


 

Agger: "I'll think about it.

 

DLS, just seen this now mate...another masterpiece from you, well deserving of a +.

A masterpiece DLS. +1 for you Master Dunlop.

 Well done Billy,it is a pity the transfer thread cannot be as entertaining,cheers+1

Countdown To Kickoff Part 1

As the new school term edges closer, the doors to Liverpool Football School open once again to get a sneak preview of what Mr Rodgers, Mrs Pascoe and Mike "Eminem" Marsh have done to prepare to boys for the new school year.

The three teachers are in the staff room playing cards with Headmaster Henry. Henry has just won a hand.

Henry: "Touchdown."

Rodgers: "Not everything in sport is a touchdown, Sir."

Henry: "Home run."

Rodgers: "I give up with him besides I've got a class to run."

Henry: "Slam dunk the punk."

Mr Rodgers leaves the staff room and enters his classroom where School Prefect Steven Gerrard is giving the boys some words of advice.

Gerrard: "Listen, now that Carra has finally graduated from this school, I'm running this place."

Agger: "With all due respect Stevie but you can pipe the F**k down. This is my yard now and you answer to me. I'm calling the shots and if you've got a problem with it then we can outside and have a straightener."

Gerrard: "No that's ok Danny, you can run the place."

Agger: "Good. Well firstly I want the new boys to introduce themselves. We will then have a think about nicknames for you all. And when I see we, I obviously mean my boys."

Lucas: "Does that include me?"

Agger: "Does it F**k so pipe down Lukey before I put a pipe up your arse."

Borini: "Ooh kinky."

Agger walks up to Borini and flattens him with an elbow to the jaw.

Agger: "Anyone else got any smart arse comments to make?"

There's a hush among the room.

Agger: "Thought not. Right Toure you first. Tell us all about yourself."

Toure: "My name is Kolo Toure, I'm from the Ivory Coast, I've won the School Championship a few times and I'm expecting my free bus pass any day now."

Agger: "OK, now Alberto."

Alberto: "I'm Luis Alberto, I sing concerto, came from Sevilla to bring you joy. I'm five eleven, I'm football heaven, I will take your breath right away."

Agger: "Interesting, very interesting. Aspas, you next."

Aspas: "Bull fighting, paella, si."

Agger elbows Aspas for making, what he conceives to be, a smart arse comment. It is in fact just the ignorance of the soft b***ard writing this drivel.

Agger: "Mignolet, you're up now. Speak."

Simon Mignolet is too busy eating a combination of Brussels sprouts and Belgian chocolate.

Agger: "I suggest you share that chocolate round with my boys if you know what's good for you."

Mignolet does know what's good for him and hands on chocolate to Agger, Gerrard, Martin "Don" Kelly, Jay "Squeak" Spearing, Andre "Norm" Wisdom, Martin "Dunce" Skrtel and Luis "Statue" Suarez. The rest of the class mumble in disappointment.

Agger: "You have a word with them Don."

Kelly: "Right you lot aren't happy, well we're going to be kind enough to give each clique the chance to name one of the new boys. So the UK Crew, what do you think Kolo's nickname should be?"

Gangster Glen, Raheem "Pound" Sterling, Jordan "Jordy Mackem" Henderson, Stewart "Ten" Downing, Joe "Woody" Allen and Danny "Dance" Sturridge discuss possible names. They finally come up with a name for the new Ivorian number 4.

Johnson: "Me an' ma crew finkz he should ba called Mint az in Mint Polo ye digz Agger man? And mint iz a Manc word which iz where we gotz 'im from innit. Gotz 'im from da Trafford Centre."

Agger: "But his name isn't Polo, it's Kolo. And we aren't having any F***ing reference to that shithole city of Scumchester. So you and your phony crew failed."

Raheem Sterling interrupts to rap reggae style to Agger.

Sterling: "Nah Agger man, you know that I can, name the new boy, it'll give you joy. Because I'm gonna call him this and then a that, Carra would have called him a c**t and then a tw*t. But the nickname for this Kolo, certainly isn't Polo, instead we're going to call the old timer with the belly, a good old Scouse name and that is Auntie Nelly."

Agger: "Explain."

Sterling: "Well it's easy Dan man. Toure is from the Ivory Coast yeah? Ivory Coast is famous for it's elephants right? The world's most famous elephant is Nelly the Elephant. Every Scouse family has a Nelly in it. Make sense?"

Agger and his boys discuss it and agree that it's good enough. Sterling, as a reward, get's a chocolate Brussels sprout.

Kelly: "OK SAS, you can name the Alberto lad."

The South American Superstars consisting of Lucas "Lukey" Leiva, Philippe "Plod" Coutinho and "Lord" SEB COats discuss it until Lukey takes it upon himself to announce a decision he's personally made.

Lucas: "I've decided to name him Lukey the Second because I believe I'm the perfect role model for him. I should be the one to guide him.

Lucas gets another elbow to the mush from Agger.

Agger: "Plod, Lord, do you two have any better suggestions?"

Coutinho: "We chose Sunshine simply because the song he sang earlier was to the tune of You Are My Sunshine. And he's from Spain where it's always sunny."

Agger: "Not great but it'll do. Norm, you tell that fat c**t Enrique to get a move on with Aspas' name."

Norm Wisdom just walks over to Enrique and intimidates him.

Agger: "Good lad Norm. So what have you decided on Fat Boy?"

Enrique: "I kept it simple and decided on Cloud. As he's wearing number 9 and the famous saying of cloud nine.

Agger: "That's it? Well I suppose it'll do until we come up with something better.

Enrique looks pleased with himself. Mr Rodgers finally makes his presence in the classroom known.

Rodgers: "I'm glad to see you getting along with the new boys but I don't like this clique thing. We're meant to be one team aren't we?"

Spearing: "Yeah boss but we can't understand a word Johnno is sayin' so there's no point us sittin' with 'im."

Rodgers: "Sorry but who are you?"

Kelly: "He's Squeak, boss. You tried losin' 'im last term but 'e's too loyal so 'e came back."

Rodgers: "Oh yes I remember now. So are we ready to learn now?"

Mignolet: "I didn't get my nickname."

Mignolet throws a strop, dropping his chocolate sprouts all over the floor.

Gerrard: "ere lad pick that up now, Stan ain't gonna be 'appy cleanin' it up.

Mr Rodgers looks as puzzled as anybody as to who Stan is until it's quietly explained to him by teacher's pet Joe Allen that as Mike Marsh's initials are m and m, he's been dubbed Eminem by some but as that's not really something you'd shout, it got altered to one of Eminem's songs in Stan. Mr Rodgers still looked confused.

Kelly: "Anyway you can have a choice of nickname, do you want Simple or Sprout?"

Skrtel: "I...fort...I...fort...I fort I was d...d...da simple...one"

Kelly: "Good f***in' point Dunce. You're Sprout then Simon."

Mignolet: "OK, ok, ok."

Rodgers: "Now that's decided, maybe we can get some work done?"

The class start with Maths where they have to count the number of times Coutinho keeps the ball up in the air. Skrtel guesses at 5 (the highest number he's aware of), Lucas simply states he'd have done more and Johnson says he was too busy beat-boxing to notice.

Rodgers: "So nobody can tell me the number?"

Allen: "I got it to 45, 276 Sir."

Rodgers: "Well done Joesph. Gold star for you."

Kelly: "First gold star Wales has had since Tom Jones' tan went wrong."

Rodgers: "Silence. Now, next up is English but judging by what I've heard in here so far there's no point in that. So we'll skip straight onto PE."

The boys go and have a game of football, except Brad Jones who plays cricket on his own as it's the only way an Aussie will win a cricket
match this summer. The bell rings and the day is done but before he lets them go, Mr Rodgers has a few words for them all.

Rodgers: "It's been a very productive day for us today but this is only the beginning, we've got a lot more work to do before we're ready for the tests we've got coming up. Don't worry though, I have every faith in every single of this group. I think you're all very, very capable of great things if you stick to the philosophy I'm trying to implement. But this is a very, very good group of boys. So I'll let you all go home now and think about how you can improve. Because you're all improving all the time. Goodbye boys."

The boys leave in their various groups.

Headmaster Henry runs out from the school and dances in front of the school gates, much to the surprise and amusement of the class.

Henry: "I just beat Mr Warner and Mr Ayre in the World Series of Snakes and Ladders. Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown."

Agger: "Taking pride in beating Ayre?"

Borini: "Ooh kinky."

Agger is refrained from elbowing Borini by his boys. They explain it wouldn't look good in front of the Headmaster.

Henry: "Can't stop boys, got the Super Duper Fish Bowl competition up next."

Nobody has any idea what that is but they go to watch anyway.

There may, though probably won't, be further information of the Super Duper Fish Bowl 2013 in the next edition of Liverpool Football School.

Brilliant Billy. Laughing my arse off here. Love the Brad Jones bit...smartarse. 

 Once again well done Bily.

Quality.

World Cup Day 1

While the doors of Liverpool Football School are closed for the time being, there are some of the lads who have gone to Summer School over in Brazil. And despite Anfield HQ being closed, there is still some work being done to recruit new pupils for the upcoming term.

We pick up our story with England. (and for the record, as I'm a Liverpool fan on a Liverpool forum, the England team will primarily revolve around the Liverpool players)

Gerrard: "Right lads, dis is de start of de World Cup. An' I 'aven't got another World Cup left in me so yis better perform at this one.

Head Boy Gerrard glares at Shrek Rooney, Chris SmallDing, Phil Joans and Fanny Welbeck. Dross Barkley, Leighton Bainestard and Phil Slagielka also kop a glare from the Head Boy

Gerrard: "Now the way we're gonna win is very easy. Gangsta Glen an' Flanno as full backs. Me an' 'Endo in the middle. Sterlin' Pound in the hole. Danny Dance an' Ciggy up top. Ciggy is the nickname for Liverpool's newest pupil Rickie Lambert - Ciggy as a nickname came about after the well known brand of ciggys Lambert & Butler. The rest of yis can work 'round us. If you come to Liverpool tho' Adam Lambanana ye will be guaranteed a startin' spot.

Hodgson: "Erm Gewwawd, I didn't pick Flanno for my team in Bwazil."

Gerrard: "I don't give a F**k what you did, Flanno is playin'. Understand?

Hodgson cowers in the corner and nods.

Flanno: "Is right Stevie lad. F**k off ShawtHouse.

Flanagan, in typical Scouse fashion, steals the shirt Luke Shaw is wearing right off the back of the Southampton School pupil.

Gerrard: "Any other off you cu*ts got somethin' to say 'bout de side I picked?"

There's a deafening silence around the England boys before they go into their own little groups.

Lallana: "Erm Stevie..."

Henderson: "It's Mr Gerrard to you son. You haven't earned the right to call him Stevie."

Johnson: "Eazy Jordy boy, leave my homie alone. He'z a coolz motherfucker ain't ya Adamz."

Lallana: "I think so. But anyway Stevie, Mr Gerrard, Sir, can I ask you something?"

Gerrard: "Ye just 'ave lad."

Stevie and his cronies giggle at the joke.

Lallana: "Oh yes. Lallana laughs nervously. But why did you call me Adam Lambanana?"

Gerrard: "Because if you join us at Liverpool, you'll 'ave to get a nickname won't ye? And some of the most eye catching landmarks in Liverpool is the Lamb Bananas. Your name kinda fits it. So you're Adam Lambanana. Any other problems?"

Lallana: "Oh no Stevie, Mr Gerrard, Sir. That cleared it up perfectly.

Sturridge: "Let me get this right tho Lambanana. You support the bitter blue b***ard sh*te don't you?"

Suddenly, Flanagan, Lambert and Gerrard begin cracking their knuckles

Lallana: "No, no, no. My dad does but Rickie taught me better."

Flanagan: "Who de F**k iz Rickie?"

Gerrard: "Ciggy."

Flanagan: "Well why de F**k did 'e call 'im Rickie? Iz 'e a dick'ead?"

Henderson: "Aye he must be Flanno."

The England players continue to discuss various topics, while with the Uruguay squad Luis Suarez is getting the last remains of flesh out of his teeth with a pickaxe while locked in his special container box.

Back on Merseyside discussions about potential new pupils is on everybody's mind.

Rodgers: "I think it'd be a good idea if I went to Brazil and viewed the boys themselves."

Marsh: "I don't know about Brazil, but if you did that in Kirkby you'd get your F***ing head panned in."

Rodgers: "Well we'll send one of the yanks, they're more lenient with that sort of thing. Whereas we collect stamps in this country, they collect that sort of thing."

Marsh: "Nobody in Kirkby collects f***in' stamps. Socks yes, stamps no."

Rodgers: "Not everything in the world revolves around Kirkby though."

Marsh: "The Kirkby circular does. (I'm not sure if there is a Kirkby circular by the way, it just fitted for the joke)

Rodgers: "Oh Eminem just F**k off."

Pascoe: "Now now gents, don't get angry with each other. Let's all have a cup of tea."

Rodgers: "What good is a cup of tea gonna be in this scenario Mrs Pascoe?"

Pascoe: "A cup of tea helps every situation. That's all Putin needs, he just needs a nice brew."

Marsh: "That'd make 'im Brewtin."

Rodgers: "Oh god, we're making tea jokes now?"

Marsh: "Don't blame me you stuck up Irish c**t, blame the dick'ead who is writing all this drivel. He was gonna make other political tea references but after Barack Obamchar, he couldn't come up with anymore so decided to scrap the whole f***in' lot."

Rodgers: "Maybe we can get back to discussing who'd be a good addition to this group."

Henry: "Touchdown."

Rodgers: "No Sir, touchdown is not relevant at this point."

Henry: "Oh sorry, it must be home run time."

Rodgers: "No Sir, it's not home run time either. Or slam dunk, extra innings or bottom of the ninth. Whatever the F**k they mean. This is a proper sport so it's probably for the best if you keep quiet in all discussions surrounding this sport. You just sign the cheques. Clear?

Henry: "Hell yeah."

Rodgers: "Thank F**k for that, so anyway, I was thinking about us recruiting Lovren. What do you think?"

Henry: "I think Michael Jordan from the Bulls (see I do have some knowledge of American sports ) would be much better draft pick in the off season.

Rodgers: "No sir, you're back to those silly sports. Michael Jordan does not play football..."

Henry: "What about Tom Brady then?"

Rodgers: "No he doesn't play football either."

Henry: "He does."

Rodgers: "No he plays rugby with extra padding. Just stay quiet Sir, please."

John W Henry does as he's told as he goes back to his own office, puts on his gimp mask from his wife as she tortures the poor soul. Mr Rodgers, Mrs Pascoe and Eminem continue their discussion over some tea and biscuits.

Back in Brazil, England are struggling with the heat because Jon Flanagan has nicked the air conditioning. Raheem Sterling has got nappy rash and won't take his afternoon nap.

Gerrard: "Right we're gettin' close to kick off now, so what's the plan?"

The rest of the class answer as one

Everybody: "Do it The Liverpool Way."

Gerrard: "You finally get it. At F***ing last. Right now all F**k off."

The class is dismissed.

And don't forget if you wish to watch the World Cup you are well within your right to. If you don't want to watch it then you are well within your right to not have an opinion on anything else you miserable cu*ts.

Thanks mate, I love these.

Great stuff Billy.

Missed these Billy. Nice one, mate.