Countdown To Kickoff Part 1
As the new school term edges closer, the doors to Liverpool Football School open once again to get a sneak preview of what Mr Rodgers, Mrs Pascoe and Mike "Eminem" Marsh have done to prepare to boys for the new school year.
The three teachers are in the staff room playing cards with Headmaster Henry. Henry has just won a hand.
Rodgers: "Not everything in sport is a touchdown, Sir."
Henry: "Home run."
Rodgers: "I give up with him besides I've got a class to run."
Henry: "Slam dunk the punk."
Mr Rodgers leaves the staff room and enters his classroom where School Prefect Steven Gerrard is giving the boys some words of advice.
Gerrard: "Listen, now that Carra has finally graduated from this school, I'm running this place."
Agger: "With all due respect Stevie but you can pipe the F**k down. This is my yard now and you answer to me. I'm calling the shots and if you've got a problem with it then we can outside and have a straightener."
Gerrard: "No that's ok Danny, you can run the place."
Agger: "Good. Well firstly I want the new boys to introduce themselves. We will then have a think about nicknames for you all. And when I see we, I obviously mean my boys."
Lucas: "Does that include me?"
Agger: "Does it F**k so pipe down Lukey before I put a pipe up your arse."
Borini: "Ooh kinky."
Agger walks up to Borini and flattens him with an elbow to the jaw.
Agger: "Anyone else got any smart arse comments to make?"
There's a hush among the room.
Agger: "Thought not. Right Toure you first. Tell us all about yourself."
Toure: "My name is Kolo Toure, I'm from the Ivory Coast, I've won the School Championship a few times and I'm expecting my free bus pass any day now."
Agger: "OK, now Alberto."
Alberto: "I'm Luis Alberto, I sing concerto, came from Sevilla to bring you joy. I'm five eleven, I'm football heaven, I will take your breath right away."
Agger: "Interesting, very interesting. Aspas, you next."
Aspas: "Bull fighting, paella, si."
Agger elbows Aspas for making, what he conceives to be, a smart arse comment. It is in fact just the ignorance of the soft b***ard writing this drivel.
Agger: "Mignolet, you're up now. Speak."
Simon Mignolet is too busy eating a combination of Brussels sprouts and Belgian chocolate.
Agger: "I suggest you share that chocolate round with my boys if you know what's good for you."
Mignolet does know what's good for him and hands on chocolate to Agger, Gerrard, Martin "Don" Kelly, Jay "Squeak" Spearing, Andre "Norm" Wisdom, Martin "Dunce" Skrtel and Luis "Statue" Suarez. The rest of the class mumble in disappointment.
Agger: "You have a word with them Don."
Kelly: "Right you lot aren't happy, well we're going to be kind enough to give each clique the chance to name one of the new boys. So the UK Crew, what do you think Kolo's nickname should be?"
Gangster Glen, Raheem "Pound" Sterling, Jordan "Jordy Mackem" Henderson, Stewart "Ten" Downing, Joe "Woody" Allen and Danny "Dance" Sturridge discuss possible names. They finally come up with a name for the new Ivorian number 4.
Johnson: "Me an' ma crew finkz he should ba called Mint az in Mint Polo ye digz Agger man? And mint iz a Manc word which iz where we gotz 'im from innit. Gotz 'im from da Trafford Centre."
Agger: "But his name isn't Polo, it's Kolo. And we aren't having any F***ing reference to that shithole city of Scumchester. So you and your phony crew failed."
Raheem Sterling interrupts to rap reggae style to Agger.
Sterling: "Nah Agger man, you know that I can, name the new boy, it'll give you joy. Because I'm gonna call him this and then a that, Carra would have called him a c**t and then a tw*t. But the nickname for this Kolo, certainly isn't Polo, instead we're going to call the old timer with the belly, a good old Scouse name and that is Auntie Nelly."
Sterling: "Well it's easy Dan man. Toure is from the Ivory Coast yeah? Ivory Coast is famous for it's elephants right? The world's most famous elephant is Nelly the Elephant. Every Scouse family has a Nelly in it. Make sense?"
Agger and his boys discuss it and agree that it's good enough. Sterling, as a reward, get's a chocolate Brussels sprout.
Kelly: "OK SAS, you can name the Alberto lad."
The South American Superstars consisting of Lucas "Lukey" Leiva, Philippe "Plod" Coutinho and "Lord" SEB COats discuss it until Lukey takes it upon himself to announce a decision he's personally made.
Lucas: "I've decided to name him Lukey the Second because I believe I'm the perfect role model for him. I should be the one to guide him.
Lucas gets another elbow to the mush from Agger.
Agger: "Plod, Lord, do you two have any better suggestions?"
Coutinho: "We chose Sunshine simply because the song he sang earlier was to the tune of You Are My Sunshine. And he's from Spain where it's always sunny."
Agger: "Not great but it'll do. Norm, you tell that fat c**t Enrique to get a move on with Aspas' name."
Norm Wisdom just walks over to Enrique and intimidates him.
Agger: "Good lad Norm. So what have you decided on Fat Boy?"
Enrique: "I kept it simple and decided on Cloud. As he's wearing number 9 and the famous saying of cloud nine.
Agger: "That's it? Well I suppose it'll do until we come up with something better.
Enrique looks pleased with himself. Mr Rodgers finally makes his presence in the classroom known.
Rodgers: "I'm glad to see you getting along with the new boys but I don't like this clique thing. We're meant to be one team aren't we?"
Spearing: "Yeah boss but we can't understand a word Johnno is sayin' so there's no point us sittin' with 'im."
Rodgers: "Sorry but who are you?"
Kelly: "He's Squeak, boss. You tried losin' 'im last term but 'e's too loyal so 'e came back."
Rodgers: "Oh yes I remember now. So are we ready to learn now?"
Mignolet: "I didn't get my nickname."
Mignolet throws a strop, dropping his chocolate sprouts all over the floor.
Gerrard: "ere lad pick that up now, Stan ain't gonna be 'appy cleanin' it up.
Mr Rodgers looks as puzzled as anybody as to who Stan is until it's quietly explained to him by teacher's pet Joe Allen that as Mike Marsh's initials are m and m, he's been dubbed Eminem by some but as that's not really something you'd shout, it got altered to one of Eminem's songs in Stan. Mr Rodgers still looked confused.
Kelly: "Anyway you can have a choice of nickname, do you want Simple or Sprout?"
Skrtel: "I...fort...I...fort...I fort I was d...d...da simple...one"
Kelly: "Good f***in' point Dunce. You're Sprout then Simon."
Mignolet: "OK, ok, ok."
Rodgers: "Now that's decided, maybe we can get some work done?"
The class start with Maths where they have to count the number of times Coutinho keeps the ball up in the air. Skrtel guesses at 5 (the highest number he's aware of), Lucas simply states he'd have done more and Johnson says he was too busy beat-boxing to notice.
Rodgers: "So nobody can tell me the number?"
Allen: "I got it to 45, 276 Sir."
Rodgers: "Well done Joesph. Gold star for you."
Kelly: "First gold star Wales has had since Tom Jones' tan went wrong."
Rodgers: "Silence. Now, next up is English but judging by what I've heard in here so far there's no point in that. So we'll skip straight onto PE."
The boys go and have a game of football, except Brad Jones who plays cricket on his own as it's the only way an Aussie will win a cricket
match this summer. The bell rings and the day is done but before he lets them go, Mr Rodgers has a few words for them all.
Rodgers: "It's been a very productive day for us today but this is only the beginning, we've got a lot more work to do before we're ready for the tests we've got coming up. Don't worry though, I have every faith in every single of this group. I think you're all very, very capable of great things if you stick to the philosophy I'm trying to implement. But this is a very, very good group of boys. So I'll let you all go home now and think about how you can improve. Because you're all improving all the time. Goodbye boys."
The boys leave in their various groups.
Headmaster Henry runs out from the school and dances in front of the school gates, much to the surprise and amusement of the class.
Henry: "I just beat Mr Warner and Mr Ayre in the World Series of Snakes and Ladders. Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown."
Agger: "Taking pride in beating Ayre?"
Borini: "Ooh kinky."
Agger is refrained from elbowing Borini by his boys. They explain it wouldn't look good in front of the Headmaster.
Henry: "Can't stop boys, got the Super Duper Fish Bowl competition up next."
Nobody has any idea what that is but they go to watch anyway.
There may, though probably won't, be further information of the Super Duper Fish Bowl 2013 in the next edition of Liverpool Football School.