Liverpool Football School

Missed these Billy. Nice one, mate.

I was planning on doing one every day of the World Cup but I've been on the piss for the last five nights (and potentially again tonight). So the original plan went for a burton.

I was planning on doing one every day of the World Cup but I've been on the piss for the last five nights (and potentially again tonight). So the original plan went for a burton.

Could be even funnier with u being on the piss mate.

Can imagine the typos though...na F**k it....wait till yer sober.

World Cup Special: England return home, Suarez Trial

As the summer school in Brazil rolls on, some of the international schools have been kicked out for being atrociously poor. England's Headmaster, Woy Hodgson can be heard screaming "it's a disgwace" from where he is currently in hiding. The Liverpool Football School boys returned to Anfield, not all that bothered about their summer school performances because it's here at Anfield that it really matters.

Not all of Liverpool's boys have returned quite as early with "Simple" Simon Mignolet of Belgium, Mammy Sakho of France and Seb Co of Uruguay still there, while Luis Suarez is currently in a cage, sitting in a courtroom awaiting the verdict on his biting incident. (and back on day 1 of the World Cup, this writer did hint at this sort of conduct when he wrote that Suarez was getting the last bits of flesh out of his teeth ).

FIFA president Sepp Blather begins proceedings.

Blather: "Luis Psycho Suarez, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

Suarez growls at Blather.

Blather: "Have you anything to say before you are taken away to Slade Prison?"

Suarez: "No you F***ing horrible balding c**t. I'm not going to bite on your bait."

Suarez giggles at his own joke, while Blather rolls his eyes. Suarez is then escorted to the prison, where his room-mate will be "Iron" Mike Tyson who has also been sentenced for his third biting incident. Bruno, Holyfield and now he's bitten the head off his pet horse Rudolph.

Gerrard: "Look lads, wha' are we gonna do about our Luis? 'ow are we gonna get 'im out?"

Flanagan: "We can stop the police escort Stevie lad. I'll get the Anny Road Boys, you get the 'uyton Baddies, I'm sure Noggsy an' Crocky will be up for it an' all. Bootle Boys will be on our side as well lad."

Gerrard: "Yeah Flanno, all of them will be sound. The L8 Lads, Garston Gang and Speke Ammunition Soldiers will be there an' all. So that's that sorted but where can we 'ide 'im till the 'eat dies down?"

Johnson: "Howz aboutz in ma main man Skrtel'z gaff? None of da filf iz crazy enuff to lookz in dat motherfuckers house."

Gerrard: "That ain't a bad idea GJ. Right, you and your crew get Luis to Brain's 'ouse while we 'old off plod. Flanno and Ciggy, you're with me."

Flanagan & Lambert: "Sound."

Johnson: "Brainz, Dance, Pound, Danny Agg and Streaky Enrique wiv me."

Lucas: "What about me? Where am I going?"

Sterling: "You go to Brazil and F***ing stay there. You take Luis' place."

Lucas, finally feeling like he has an important role on the whole operation gets on the first flight back to his native Brazil. Halfway there though, he remembers that Suarez isn't in Brazil, he's on his way to Slade Prison in Cumbria.

Allen: "Me and Don Everly want to help as well boyo."

Gerrard: "You can help Dave, you too Don."

Allen: "Oh spectacular. How? What do you want us to do?"

Gerrard: "Well Don you look abar six and Dave you're about as tall as a six year old, so you two stop the police sayin' your lost and you need to find your mam."

Allen: "But Mammy is playing for France at summer school."

Flanagan: "They don't f***in' know that though do they? Fucks sake Dave. Put that fake Welsh accent on an' all you little c**t."

Toure: "So says the giant Flanagan."

Flanagan: "Say anythin' like that again Polo Puree an' I'll cut you down an' wear you on me feet."

Gerrard: "Fucks sake boys stop fightin' la. We're all in dis together innit."

Flanagan: "Sorry Stevie lad."

Lambert: "So are we movin' on with this now?"

Gerrard: "Yeah, come 'ead Ciggy. Flanno, get the car lad."

Johnson: "Boyz wiv me."

The boys break off into their own little crews to carry out the rescuing of Luis Suarez. Sturridge is already doing his victory dance. Lucas has landed in Brazil, asking how many of his fellow Brazilians know who he is (none seem to). All the while Suarez is trying to bite his way out of the cage he's put in, despite the electrical charge running through the bars.

Jones: "I hope they make it Polo."

Toure: "I'm not fussed Skippy, I won't be here next year anyway. Neither will you, so why you care."

Jones: "Good point. I'm surprised they didn't ask you to sort out the weapons, given your contacts with Gunners."

Toure: "They're Scouse though Skippy, they all know somebody who get them a piece."

Aspas: "How come they didn't all of us to be involved?"

Rodgers: "Well that's easy enough to answer I Spaz. Firstly, you've not got a character yet for the writer to make it funny with you being involved, secondly they don't know you exist, I mean come on I'm the headmaster and even I've forgotten about people like you, Borini and Alberto. I'd forgotten about Coates until he popped up at the summer school. And thirdly, given your track record on the pitch, you'd probably F**k this up as well so it's safer if you're well out of the picture."

Aspas: "Oh ok boss."

The boys are now in position.

Gerrard: "Glen, you an' your crew ready?"

Johnson: "We iz ready Stevie. Once you blowz the escort, we gonna snatch our Luiz and hide him safez and soundz."

Skrtel: "Isn't it usually the escort who blows you? That's what the last escort I had said anyway."

Sterling: "Brains what the F**k are you doing here? You're meant to be in your gaff waiting for us. Now move your plates up the frog you F***ing moby."

Skrtel trudges off, still thinking about the escort who "blew" him.

Johnson: "Therez been a hitch Stevie. Brainz followed uz downz here."

Gerrard: "f***in' dick'ead. Ah forget, it's now or never so we'll just 'ave to 'ope 'e gets to 'is 'ouse before we do. Right 'ere comes the escort. Dave, Don, you're up."

Allen and Coutinho walk out in front of the escort and stop it. They begin talking to the officers in the first car.

Gerrard: "Right move lads, go."

The Scousers from all over the city move in. Shooting police officers left right and centre while Johnson, Sturridge, Agger and Sterling get Suarez into the getaway car and off to Skrtel's house. Enrique had gone with them but got injured on the way and disappeared for the next six months.

Suarez and company arrive at Skrtel's house, unscathed.

Johnson: "Stevie, come in boy. You there Skipz?"

Gerrard: "Yeah, what is it lad?"

Johnson: "Allz good this end. Safez and soundz just likez I said."

Gerrard: "Good. We're all clear up this end to. Good work GJ. You and your crew."

Johnson: "You too Skipz. Rightz, see you all soon."

Gerrard: "Yeah la, tell someone to stay there with Luis though. And not Brains, that dozy c**t will probably call the police tellin' them there's a stranger in 'is 'ouse."

Johnson: "I'll getz ma man Pound on it."

Gerrard: "Sound. In a bit."

Gerrard, Flanagan and Lambert drive to pick up Joe Allen and Phil Coutinho, while Johnson explains to young Raheem that he's staying to look after Suarez.

Sterling: "I don't mind staying in his drum G but there ain't a pie and mash shop anywhere close."

Johnson: "Forgetz it Pound. Thiz iz only temp man."

Sterling: "Yeah alright. Keep your nut down when you leave though. Don't want the old bill recognising your boat."

Skrtel: "Are we going by boat?"

Sterling: "Are you having a bubble Brains?"

Skrtel tries to work out what Sterling means.

Johnson: "Lookz, we ain't gotz the timez for dis, we gotta go. You be ok here Pound?"

Sterling: "Yeah, me and Luis will be sweet.

And with that, the crew leave Skrtel's house, Sturridge still doing the victory dance, leave Sterling and Suarez to sit it out.

 

Love it Billy. Great stuff, mate.

Suarez Sanchez Swap

Mr Rodgers has called everybody available to Anfield for an urgent school meeting.

Rodgers: "Board members, fellow teachers, lads and cleaner Ayre, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you all."

Flanagan: "Everton have finally realised that the aim to game is to outscore your opponents, not out bore them?"

Rodgers fakes a smile while the rest of the assembly laughs.

Rodgers: "No Jon, this is serious."

Gerrard: "You got beat by Nigel Worthington as the greatest Northern Irish headmaster ever?"

Rodgers again smiles weakly while the others laugh.

Rodgers: "No lads, the thing is we have to give Psycho up. We have to turn him in."

Gerrard: "Turn 'im in? Who to?"

Lambert: "You've grassed 'im up 'aven't you?"

Rodgers: "Don't be ridiculous Richard. Of course I haven't. It's just Barcelona's School want to do a pupil exchange."

Flanagan: "Well f***in' exchange Joey Allen."

Rodgers: "Don't you think I tried that? I don't want Luis to leave anymore than you boys do but we have to."

Gerrard: "Well we don't know where 'e is anyway so ye can't 'ave 'im."

Skrtel: "He's in my house Stevie, don't you remember?"

Johnson: "Fuckz me Brainz, you dumb motherfucker. What'z you saying that'z for man?"

Skrtel: "Stevie said he didn't know where Psycho was so I was telling him."

Johnson: "Yeah but it'z meantz to be a f***in' secret innit? Rememberz? We told you don't tellz anybody."

Skrtel: "But Stevie already knows, I was just reminding him."

Sterling: "But you just told the boss where he is as well. And he'll now go and rat out Psycho."

Sterling proceeds to drink his bottle and then be burped by Mrs Pascoe.

Lucas: "All that hard work I done by going to Brazil all wasted."

Flanagan: "Pity you f***in' came back you dick'ead."

Allen: "Why are you always so angry boyo?"

Flanagan: "I grew up in Anfield you dozy c**t. Wouldn't you be f***in' angry?"

Allen: "I don't know, I grew up in the valleys. I'm an excellent choir singer."

Flanagan: "So f***in' what? What good is your singin' right now?"

Allen: "I'm just trying to lighten to mood boyo."

Flanagan: "Well go an' set yourself an' Lukey on fire, that'll lighten the 'ole f***in' room."

Gerrard: "Lads, lads calm down. So who do we get in this exchange?"

Rodgers: "A very good pupil named Alexis Sanchez."

Agger: "Alexis? That's a girls name isn't it?"

Lambert: "Oh f***in' great we've signed a bird."

Gerrard: "Tell me that isn't the case boss."

Rodgers: "No, I can safely tell you all that Alexis is all boy."

Johnson: "How da fuckz doez you knowz that?"

Rodgers: "Rolf Harris told me."

The lads laugh while governors Henry and Werner look at each other trying to work out who Rolf Harris is. They agree he must be a new scout that they just don't know.

Rodgers: "Now I know it's hard..."

Lambert: "So was Rolf."

Rodgers: "I'm sure he was. But we've got no choice boys, we have to swap Suarez for Sanchez. Now we can either transport him straight away, no complications or we can continue to pretend we don't know where he is. Which one?"

All of the lads agree that they aren't gonna rat Luis out.

Rodgers: "OK, just to let you all know Luis has sent us a secret message telling us he wants to leave."

Gerrard: "He wants to leave this school? F**k 'im then. He's in Skrtel's 'ouse boss. f***in' get rid of the c**t now."

Flanagan: "After all we've f***in' done for 'im an' all. c**t."

Henderson: "Let's not forget what he's done for us boys."

The Scousers all glare at Henderson.

Henderson: "Yeah you're right, he's a c**t pet."

Rodgers: "Right we'll get this deal done as soon as possible. In the meantime, show the new boys Adam and Emre around and treat them right.

The lads intergrate their new pupils into the school as the Suarez Sage rages on.

Brilliant Billy mate. Hope the Barca school pull out of the student exchange. 

Nice one Billy 

Brilliant thread. Well done DLS keep up the good work

Job Interviews (part 1)

With former teachers Mrs Pascoe and Mike Marshall Mathers being sacked in the last week, Liverpool Football School's headmaster, Mr Henry, senior teacher, Mr Rodgers, and school governors are holding interviews with potential replacements. First to be interviewed is Pako Ayestaran.

Henry: "Hello Pako, we'd like to discuss the possibility of you becoming our deputy teacher."

Pako: "Si, si. Sound."

Henry: "Firstly, how many points is a touchdown worth?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, that's American football, this is proper football."

Henry: "Oh yes, my mistake. Pako, how many bases must you cover for a homerun?"

Pako: "Si, si. Ye what?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, that's baseball. This is Liverpool FOOTBALL School. Remember?"

Henry: "Oh yes. Howdy, Pako."

Pako: "Si, si. Alright lad."

Henry: "What makes you qualified to join such an illustrious School as ours."

Pako: "Si, si. Cos I'm f***in' boss. An' I've been 'ere before ye know lad. Long before you like."

Rodgers: "Yes Sir, Pako knows the School very well having been a former teacher here. And he's worked with some of the very best around the world."

Henry: "You mean like the Packers or the Yankees or the Clippers?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, we're talking about a proper sport. Not ones where it takes ten hours to play a fifteen minute quarter because of hundreds of adverts."

Henry: "Ah adverts, we could put a slogan on your head. Everybody would be able to see that."

Pako: "Si, si. You try an' put anythin' on me head lad an' I'll dig yer."

Henry: "Dig me what exactly?"

Rodgers: "A brain mine with any luck."

Henry: "I already have one of those. That's where I play scrabble."

Rodgers: "Against yourself?"

Henry: "Hell yeah. I still lose though. I suppose your name is good for scrabble."

Pako: "Si, si. About a dozen."

Henry: "Wow, 20 points. Imagine that on a double word, treble letter. Wow. Let's hire you."

Rodgers: "Qualifications are not judged on scores of scrabble Sir."

Henry: "How do you think you got the job? It was you or Ian, unfortunately Ian only scores three."

Rodgers: "So it has nothing to do with how good I am?"

Henry: "Hell no. If we judged you on ability we'd be a laughing stock for hiring somebody so inept. At least we have some excuse by picking solely on scrabble."

Rodgers: "So what the hell am I doing here then?"

Henry: "Trust me dawg, we've been asking that for three years."

Rodgers: "Maybe it's best if I resign then."

Pako: "Si, si. I'm 'appy with that pal."

Rodgers: "Well I'm not. Get out."

Mr Henry starts to walk towards the door before being dragged back by Mr Rodgers.

Rodgers: "Not you!"

Pako Ayestaran leaves, as Jamie Carragher makes his way to the interview room.

Rodgers: "Ah Carra, how are you son?"

Carragher: "Sound boss, you?"

Henry: "You two have met before have you?"

Carragher: "I was only at the school for nearly twenty odd years, course we've met before."

Henry: Twenty years? My god you must be stupid."

Carragher turns round and plants a couple of right hooks on Mr Henry before heading towards the door.

Carragher: "I'll see meself out. In a bit boss."

Rodgers: "Ta ra Carra."

Rene Mulensteen is the third interviewee.

Rodgers: "Please Sir, this time try not to be disrespectful."

Mulensteen: "Thank you for this opportunity."

Henry: "Don't mention it man. The honour is ours isn't it Rene?"

Mulensteen: "I am Rene, Sir."

Henry: "That's good. He knows who he is."

Rodgers: "But you don't seem to know who I am, Sir."

Henry: "You're looking for a job with us aren't you?"

Rodgers: "No, I have the job."

Henry: "Confidence, I like it."

Rodgers: "No Sir, I actually already work here. It's Mr Mulensteen we're interviewing now."

Henry: "But he's far more qualified than you. He's worked for Man United Red Devil Sox."

Rodgers: "And I've worked for Watford Yellow Hornet Sox. But we're both trying to better ourselves aren't we Rene?"

Mulensteen: "Yes. It's just a shame, DRUGS, sorry about that. I have Dutch tourette's syndrome. I can't control, FREE SEX SHOW, it. Sorry."

Rodgers: "That's ok. I have sh*t syndrome. It's called Joe Allen. I can't help myself picking him."

Mulensteen: "So you understand, WINDMILLS, the problem I suffer with."

Rodgers: "Of course, I do."

Henry: "I suffer from sins in Rome as well."

Rodgers: "Sir, please remain quiet. Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it."

Henry: "In what?"

Rodgers: "Joe Allen."

Mulensteen: "I don't think I can work under these circumstances."

Rodgers: "I really don't blame you Rene. Thank you away."

Mulensteen: "CLOGGS."

Henry: "Was that Jürgen Klopp?"

Mr Rodgers shakes his head and walks out.

Interviews will resume on Wednesday, when this genius has free time on his hands again.

Job Interviews (part 1)

With former teachers Mrs Pascoe and Mike Marshall Mathers being sacked in the last week, Liverpool Football School's headmaster, Mr Henry, senior teacher, Mr Rodgers, and school governors are holding interviews with potential replacements. First to be interviewed is Pako Ayestaran.

Henry: "Hello Pako, we'd like to discuss the possibility of you becoming our deputy teacher."

Pako: "Si, si. Sound."

Henry: "Firstly, how many points is a touchdown worth?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, that's American football, this is proper football."

Henry: "Oh yes, my mistake. Pako, how many bases must you cover for a homerun?"

Pako: "Si, si. Ye what?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, that's baseball. This is Liverpool FOOTBALL School. Remember?"

Henry: "Oh yes. Howdy, Pako."

Pako: "Si, si. Alright lad."

Henry: "What makes you qualified to join such an illustrious School as ours."

Pako: "Si, si. Cos I'm f***in' boss. An' I've been 'ere before ye know lad. Long before you like."

Rodgers: "Yes Sir, Pako knows the School very well having been a former teacher here. And he's worked with some of the very best around the world."

Henry: "You mean like the Packers or the Yankees or the Clippers?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, we're talking about a proper sport. Not ones where it takes ten hours to play a fifteen minute quarter because of hundreds of adverts."

Henry: "Ah adverts, we could put a slogan on your head. Everybody would be able to see that."

Pako: "Si, si. You try an' put anythin' on me head lad an' I'll dig yer."

Henry: "Dig me what exactly?"

Rodgers: "A brain mine with any luck."

Henry: "I already have one of those. That's where I play scrabble."

Rodgers: "Against yourself?"

Henry: "Hell yeah. I still lose though. I suppose your name is good for scrabble."

Pako: "Si, si. About a dozen."

Henry: "Wow, 20 points. Imagine that on a double word, treble letter. Wow. Let's hire you."

Rodgers: "Qualifications are not judged on scores of scrabble Sir."

Henry: "How do you think you got the job? It was you or Ian, unfortunately Ian only scores three."

Rodgers: "So it has nothing to do with how good I am?"

Henry: "Hell no. If we judged you on ability we'd be a laughing stock for hiring somebody so inept. At least we have some excuse by picking solely on scrabble."

Rodgers: "So what the hell am I doing here then?"

Henry: "Trust me dawg, we've been asking that for three years."

Rodgers: "Maybe it's best if I resign then."

Pako: "Si, si. I'm 'appy with that pal."

Rodgers: "Well I'm not. Get out."

Mr Henry starts to walk towards the door before being dragged back by Mr Rodgers.

Rodgers: "Not you!"

Pako Ayestaran leaves, as Jamie Carragher makes his way to the interview room.

Rodgers: "Ah Carra, how are you son?"

Carragher: "Sound boss, you?"

Henry: "You two have met before have you?"

Carragher: "I was only at the school for nearly twenty odd years, course we've met before."

Henry: Twenty years? My god you must be stupid."

Carragher turns round and plants a couple of right hooks on Mr Henry before heading towards the door.

Carragher: "I'll see meself out. In a bit boss."

Rodgers: "Ta ra Carra."

Rene Mulensteen is the third interviewee.

Rodgers: "Please Sir, this time try not to be disrespectful."

Mulensteen: "Thank you for this opportunity."

Henry: "Don't mention it man. The honour is ours isn't it Rene?"

Mulensteen: "I am Rene, Sir."

Henry: "That's good. He knows who he is."

Rodgers: "But you don't seem to know who I am, Sir."

Henry: "You're looking for a job with us aren't you?"

Rodgers: "No, I have the job."

Henry: "Confidence, I like it."

Rodgers: "No Sir, I actually already work here. It's Mr Mulensteen we're interviewing now."

Henry: "But he's far more qualified than you. He's worked for Man United Red Devil Sox."

Rodgers: "And I've worked for Watford Yellow Hornet Sox. But we're both trying to better ourselves aren't we Rene?"

Mulensteen: "Yes. It's just a shame, DRUGS, sorry about that. I have Dutch tourette's syndrome. I can't control, FREE SEX SHOW, it. Sorry."

Rodgers: "That's ok. I have sh*t syndrome. It's called Joe Allen. I can't help myself picking him."

Mulensteen: "So you understand, WINDMILLS, the problem I suffer with."

Rodgers: "Of course, I do."

Henry: "I suffer from sins in Rome as well."

Rodgers: "Sir, please remain quiet. Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it."

Henry: "In what?"

Rodgers: "Joe Allen."

Mulensteen: "I don't think I can work under these circumstances."

Rodgers: "I really don't blame you Rene. Thank you away."

Mulensteen: "CLOGGS."

Henry: "Was that Jürgen Klopp?"

Mr Rodgers shakes his head and walks out.

Interviews will resume on Wednesday, when this genius has free time on his hands again.

Brilliant Billy ....  just brilliant .

Pako with a scouse accent.

Pako: "Si, si. You try an' put anythin' on me head lad an' I'll dig yer."



 

Job Interviews (Part 2)

Now that this genius is at a loose end as what to do with his time, he's remembered he promised you all the second part of this fascinating interview process to find a new assistant teacher at Liverpool Football School. Let's see how potential candidates, Sami Hyypia, Robbie Fowler, Mike Ashley and Colin Pascoe get on.

Henry: "Who's next on the list Nature Boy Buddy Rogers?"

Rodgers: "I do wish you'd stop calling me that Sir."

Henry: "I've never called you Sir in my life. Sir...vant maybe."

Rodgers: "I meant Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers."

Henry: "Oh he calls you Sir does he? Can you really talk to the dead?"

Rodgers: "No but I can talk to the brain dead."

Henry: "Really? Are they a gang from the Bronx or South Central LA?"

Rodgers: "Chris it comes to something when the most intelligent man in the room is Ian Ayre."

Ayre, quietly sucking his two thumbs in the corner, takes them out, smiles while giving the thumbs up.

Rodgers: "Let's just get on with the interviews shall we?"

Henry: "I want to, I asked you who was next and then you started talking about the Brain Dead Gang."

Rodgers: "It's Sami Hyypia. A former teacher in Germany with Bayern Leverkusen Football School and also with Brighton."

Henry: "Brighton have moved to Germany?"

Rodgers: "WHAT?"

Henry: "No that's Stone Cold Steve Austin, not Sami Hyypia."

Rodgers: "Let's get this over with. Mr Hyypia?"

Henry: "No it's Henry, not Hyppia."

Rodgers: "Please Sir, please for the love of god and my own sanity, will you shut up."

Mr Henry mocks Mr Rodgers as Sami Hyypia sits down.

Rodgers: "Please, make yourself comfortable."

Hyypia takes out a pair of slippers, cardigan, pipe and mini radiator.

Hyypia: "I wills."

Henry: "My god Buddy, why don't we have one of those?"

Rodgers: "Because you won't pay the heating bill remember?"

Henry: "Oh yes, of course."

Hyypia: "The Dom pays my bills for me."

Rodgers: "The Dom?"

Hyypia: "Dominic Matteo, he says anythings I wants, he'll pays for."

Rodgers: "So that's who tried to bribe me last week?"

Henry: "No that was actually one of my associates, we tried to bung you to resign."

Hyypia: "The suggestion was mines though."

Henry: "Yes, Mr Hyypia got his The Dom to put pressure on us."

Hyypia: "And you don'ts argue with The Dom."

Henry: "No, he's very intimidating."

Rodgers: "It's Dominic Matteo for fucks sake. He couldn't intimidate a kitten."

Henry: "Oh meow."

Mr Henry chuckles at his own little joke.

Hyypia: "I ain't gots all day. I gots to see some peoples about a horse's head. So just tells me now, do I haves the job?"

Henry: "Of course you do and please tell The Dom how pleased we are to have you."

Rodgers: "Hang on a minute Sir, we've got other candidates to interview. I think it'd be a bit rash to just give the job to Mr Hyypia."

Henry: "But he knows The Dom."

Rodgers: "Do you have any idea who Dominic Matteo is?"

Henry: "Yes, he's The Dom."

Hyypia: "He's rights."

Rodgers: "Ian, please help me out here?"

Mr Ayre just looks over, smiles and gives the thumbs up again.

Ayre: "I've got ten toes."

Mr Ayre giggles and looks so pleased with himself.

Rodgers: "Good god."

Robbie Fowler storms into the room.

Fowler: "Somebody say me name then?"

Rodgers: "Ah, finally somebody with a bit of sense. Robbie, you know Dominic Matteo right?"

Fowler: "Sure, everybody knows The Dom. Oh, Sami lad tell 'im nice one for that kilo of crack. Went down a treat on Windsor Street last week lad."

Hyypia: "I tells him Rob."

Fowler: "You goin' for this job to?"

Hyypia: "I gots it haven't I?"

Mr Henry nods, smiling like a cheshire cat.

Rodgers: "Not necessarily no."

Hyypia: "He says I have."

Fowler: "Look mate, you don't wanna turn The Dom's right 'and man down. If 'e wants the job, I don't."

Hyypia: "So I gots the job right?"

Rodgers: "Well even if Robbie doesn't there's still others who do."

Fowler: "Lad I'm tellin' ya, give Sami the job before The Dom finds out. You'll be better off for it."

Rodgers: "I will not be intimidated by anybody, especially not Dominic F***ing Matteo."

Fowler: "Your funeral mate. Sam, catch you in a bit alright. Tell The Dom I'll see 'im soon an' all."

Hyypia: "Goodbye Roobie."

Fowler leaves while Hyypia, now holding a sawed-off shotgun, turns to Mr Rodgers.

Hyypia: "This job, I gots it right?"

Rodgers: "Well..."

Henry: "Come on Buddy, he's got a gun. You give him whatever he wants.

Rodgers: "I've told you, I will not be intimidated."

Henry: "Well if he kills you, at least we don't have to worry about any compensation so it's a few dollars saved for us. Be the hero."

Colin Pascoe rushes into the room, knocking the gun out of Hyypia's hand, catching it and pointing it straight at the Finn all in one movement.

Pascoe: "Now look here boyo, I won't let you talk to my boss like that. He may be sh*t at his job and he may have got me sacked but I'll defend him until the sheep come home to Wales. Now I suggest you get out of here because being Welsh I'm trigger happy. Off you pop boyo."

Hyypia concedes defeat but is heard on the phone outside to The Dom.

Rodgers: "Colin thank you so much, I knew you cared. How can I ever repay you."

Pascoe: "Well for starters gaffer, you can give me my job back."

Rodgers: "Of course, you know I never wanted you sacked in the first place. It was the board of school governors."

Pascoe: "I know boyo. That's why I came back to you."

Rodgers: "We'll always be together you and I Colin."

Pascoe: "Together for life gaffer. You number one and me always as you're number two." (yes that is an immature joke of Pascoe being sh*t, well done if you got it)

Rodgers: "I can't believe they'd ever sack you."

Henry: "Didn't we sack you?"

Pascoe: "Yes boyo but I'm back."

Henry: "No not you, I've no idea who you are. I mean you, Buddy."

Mr Henry points at Mr Rodgers.

Rodgers: "No Sir, you wanted to but you told me as long as Colin and Mike Marshall Mathers left, I could stay."

Henry: "Oh, so what she doing here?"

Rodgers: "Who, Colin?"

Henry: "Well obviously unless you can see more of this Brain Dead Gang."

Mr Rodgers looks round spotting Tom Werner, Mike Gordon (who?) and David Ginsberg (who?)

Rodgers: "She has just saved my life."

Henry: "And lost you your job."

Rodgers: "What?"

Henry: "You knew the arrangement. The bi*ch and the failed white rapper had to leave for you to stay."

Rodgers: "Ta ra Colin."

Pascoe: "But gaffer?"

Rodgers: "Look Colin, I love you and always will but if I've got to lose you to keep my job then you're out."

Pascoe: "I thought we had something special."

Rodgers: "We did but now it's in Barcelona."

Pascoe: "What about us?"

Rodgers: "You'll have to go home and wait in the cage like a good girl until I can find another spot for you."

Pascoe: "Can't I hide under the press conference desk like I used to?"

Rodgers: "Sir?"

Henry: "Was that her under there?"

Rodgers: "Yes."

Henry: "Oh damn straight she can stay there. I haven't had one that good since Monica."

Pascoe shuttles off to the press conference desk.

Rodgers: "Well that's everyone Sir and we still can't find a suitable person."

Henry: "What about that Ashley?"

Rodgers: "Who?"

Henry: "On my list, it says Mike Ashley. Have we interviewed him yet?"

Rodgers: "No and we're not going to."

Henry: "Don't be so hasty Buddy. His resume (CV to us proper speaking people) says he won't give a penny to anybody, his former pupil's parents hated him, he's an expert in wasting other people's money and success is not an essential part of his life. Sounds perfect to me."

Rodgers: "No."

Henry: "I say yes. Ian, could you go and get Mr Ashley please."

Ayre: "I've got two nostrils."

Ayre indicates both nostrils to Mr Henry and Mr Rodgers before moving to the door to invite Mike Ashley in.

Henry: "Howdy Mike."

Ashely: "Hello me old china...pet."

Rodgers: "You're not in Newcastle any more."

Ashley: "Oh yeah. Hello me old china...la."

Rodgers: "And that's your idea of a Scouse accent is it?"

Henry: "To be fair, it's better than your Irish."

Rodgers: "This is my actual accent."

Ashley: "You must be having a bubble...la."

Henry: "Yes, you must be having a bubble. What's a bubble?"

Ashley: "Bubble bath."

Henry: "Oh yes, of course."

Ashley: "So you want to hire me?"

Rodgers: "No."

Henry: "Certainly."

Ashley: "As long as I don't have to stand, I have so much barney with my plates...la"

Henry: "Stand? Not at all, the former assistants just sat there all day didn't they Buddy?"

Rodgers: "Or knelt."

Mr Rodgers and Mr Henry look happily into the distance.

Ashley: "Well as long as that's clear."

Henry: "I think you'd be perfect for us. Liverpool Business School could really use somebody with your expertise."

Rodgers: "This is a football school Sir, not a business one."

Henry: "I've been meaning to talk to you about that."

Rodgers: "About what exactly?"

Henry: "About changing the type of school we are. You see people seem to think that success is winning and that's because we're still, in name anyway, a football school. But if we turned into a business school then people would understand that success is simply about making money. And it's even better if you make money without spending your own."

Ashley: "He has a point there. I always spend the trouble and strife's money...la."

Henry: "I told you he'd be perfect for us."

Rodgers: "I don't want to become a business school. The people who love this school don't want to become a business school."

Henry: "The people running this school do though and let's be honest Buddy, since when has your opinion mattered? I mean you're the one who said we should get Alexis Sanchez and not Mario Balotelli into this "football" school. Can you imagine? Spending forty million or sixteen million dollars. That's not good business Buddy."

Rodgers: "It was good from a football perspective."

Henry: "Exactly, you've got the wrong mentality. Football doesn't matter, it's business."

Ashley: "I'm with my old china...la."

Rodgers: "You get out. This school has enough problems without you."

Ashley looks at Henry who does the international signal of "I'll phone you later" to him. Ashley goes to leave but standing in the doorway is Dominic Matteo.

Matteo: "Say hello to my little friend."

The Dom shoots Ashley and walks away, leaving Mr Henry and Mr Rodgers still arguing and still without an assistant teacher. Mr Ayre was last seen opening the church and seeing all the people, much to his own amusement.

Will Liverpool Football School change it's name to Liverpool Business School and will, whatever name it has, ever get a new assistant teacher? Well we'll at least be one step closer the next time this comedic genius decides to write another instalment of this rather childish saga.

Billy, you have out done yourself on both of those mate. Classic stuff bud.

Job Interviews (Part III): Larry, Burley and Mo

Despite Liverpool Business School officially up and running now, much to the disappointment of Mr Rodgers, the board of directors have still not employed a deputy teacher or new head chef.

Today's applicants are former pupils of the old Liverpool Football School, Larry Lloyd and Momo Sissoko as well as former Ipswich headteacher, George Burley. I suppose some people might assume the three stooges in this school are Mr Henry, Mr Werner and Mr Ayre.

Larry Lloyd is the first to be interviewed.

Henry: "Larry Daley from Night of the Museum."

Rodgers: "No Sir, this is Larry Lloyd."

Henry: "Oh sorry. Welcome Mr Bird."

Rodgers: "What?"

Henry: "Larry Bird isn't it?"

Rodgers: "No Sir, Larry Lloyd. Larry Lloyd."

Henry: "Lloyd Mayweather?"

Rodgers: "Oh F**k off Sir. That's not even remotely funny."

Mr Werner is doubled over with laughter.

Henry: "He thinks so."

Rodgers: "Proves my point doesn't it?"

Lloyd: "How long you going to keep me here?"

Rodgers: "Sorry Mr Lloyd, can you explain why you'd be a good choice for our deputy headteacher role?"

Lloyd: "I was a pupil under the tutelage of Mr Shankly, Mr Paisley, Mr Fagan, Mr Moran, Mr Bennett and Mr Evans and that's before I moved to the Forest of Nottingham. I was there taught by Mr Clough, who in his own words weren't the best teacher in the world but was in the top one."

Rodgers: "He was also a F***ing c**t and not a patch on any teacher from this school."

Lloyd: "Yourself included?"

Rodgers: "Damn straight."

Henry: "Touchdown for Nature Boy Buddy Rogers."

Lloyd: "I agree he weren't as good as Mr Shankly but he did win the European School's Cup twice."

Rodgers: "Mr Paisley won it three times."

Henry: "Homerun for Nature Boy Buddy Rogers."

Lloyd: "He..he...but...but he..."

Rodgers: "Look Mr Lloyd, Clough got the Forest of Nottingham School relegated from the top Schools in the country. Not even Mr Hodgson did that here. So think again about praising Mr Clough ok?"

Lloyd: "I was taught by the great managers of Liverpool Football School."

Rodgers: "OK, and did you learn anything that could be of value to us?"

Lloyd: "I learned football is a simple game."

Rodgers: "Right if you're going to take the piss you might as well get out now. Football is not a simple game, it is a game for fancy phrases that mean F**k all but make those saying them look intelligent, it is a game for overcomplicating the most simplest of tasks and it only works with the tika-taka teaching philosophy."

Lloyd: "Word of advice mate, in my day we didn't use the word philosophy. And tika-taka was a type of curry when you were pissed. We called it pass and move. And you know what, it worked F***ing wonders. Football is a simple game, made complicated by idiots. Think about that."

Henry: "Ha. Think. You think he can think. Hell no. We think for him. He's the idiot who thought spending forty million on a student was a good business idea when we could get one for sixteen million. Thinking does nobody any good."

Lloyd: "I think it's best I leave then. I don't want to ruin the memories I have of this great school. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to come back, even if just for a few hours."

Rodgers: "Thank the genius writing this who simply couldn't come up with any other Larry's."

Lloyd: "That's probably because he knows I'm the only Larry to ever come to this School. I reckon he googled Larry Bird though. Nevertheless, thank you Genius."

DLS: "No worries Larry. Always happy to throw an ex-Red into the story even though it makes zero sense."

Larry Lloyd leaves the room, George Burley takes his place.

Burley: "Ock aye."

Rodgers: "Excuse me?"

Burley: "Aye son. Jimmy sent me aye."

Henry: "Who is this Buddy?"

Rodgers: "My name is Brendan."

Henry: "I know who you are Buddy. I was asking about him with the funny accent."

Rodgers: "That's Steven Gerrard."

Henry: "No I know who he is. He was talking to me about the touchdowns in the MLS. Very intelligent man. You could ask him to come here, I think he'd be a great addition."

Rodgers: "He's only just left here Sir."

Henry: "Oh stop it. I love it when you play me like that. But seriously, who's this guy?"

Rodgers: "His name is George Burley."

Henry: "Liz Hurley? F**k me she's let herself go a bit hasn't she."

Rodgers: "No Sir, not Liz Hurley. George Burley."

Henry: "Burnley. Right Burnley. So it's Danny Ings?"

Rodgers: "What the F**k are you on about now Sir?"

Henry: "Burnley, that's where we stole Danny Ings from remember?"

Rodgers: "Time will tell on who actually did the stealing on that one Sir but no. Not Burnley. Not Liz Hurley. George Burley. Mix the two together."

Henry: "That's three."

Rodgers: "What?"

Henry: "Burnley, Hurley, Burley. That's three. And you want to be in charge of accounts."

Mr Werner is again doubled over laughing.

Rodgers: "One final time Sir. His name is George Burley."

Henry: "Curly."

Rodgers: "Why do I have to put up with this?"

Henry: "We've just had Larry, now Curly. I can't believe I didn't see it straight away. Hello Curly."

Burley: "Aye, ock aye. Hoo yoo dooing son?"

Henry: "Nope didn't understand a word there."

Burley: "Aye, ya a canny lad yoo."

Henry: "Right on. Touchdown."

Burley: "Aye son. Touchdoon."

Rodgers: "I think I've touchdowned in the land of F***ing idiots. Anyway, Mr Burley I believe you're going for the head chef position."

Burley: "Aye dats right son."

Rodgers: "And what makes you think you're suited to the role?"

Burley: "Eh?"

Rodgers: "What can you cook?"

Burley: "Ock aye son, I can cook. Cook haggis if yoo want it. Cook tatties. Cook a mean ool tattie I doo. And I can cook Scotch broth aye."

Rodgers: "You mean Irish stew."

Flanagan: "He means Scouse boss."

Rodgers: "What the F**k are you doing here Flanno?"

Flanagan: "Ain't got the foggiest boss. But 'e means Scouse ain't that right jock."

Burley: "Ock aye son. Scotch broth I cook. I cook it beta than anyone else in the world. Sure I doo."

Rodgers: "And where did you learn this?"

Burley: "From when I was bairn aye. Bobby Robson toot me a bit to. Good cook was Mr Robson aye."

Rodgers: "He specialised in Scottish cuisine?"

Burley: "Nae son. Not cuisine in Scootland. Nae son, it's grub."

Rodgers: "And Mr Robson, that was his speciality was it?"

Burley: "Nae yoo wrong again son. Mr Robson noo his broon ale, not much else. Aye broon ale. But afta boot seven or eight broon ales he cood cook yoo anything yoo wanted. Anything. Toot me aloot did Mr Robson aye."

Rodgers: "What about Mick Mills?"

Henry: "Dick Pills? I thought you didn't use them no Buddy. I thought you ditched the wife for that new hootchie so you didn't need the pills."

Rodgers: "Mick Mills Sir, a former friend of Mr Burley's when they were at cookery school together."

Henry: "Liz Hurley needs the Dick Pills? OK, she's changed."

Burley: "Aye I'll say she has son. When I first met her. Aye I cood tell yoo a story or too."

Rodgers: "I think we've heard enough of your stories for one evening Mr Burley. Thank you all the same, we'll be in touch."

Burley: "Aye son ok. Take care of yooself."

George Burley leaves the room and is replaced by today's final candidate, Mohamed Sissoko

Rodgers: "Welcome Mr Sissoko."

Henry: "Who? Sisqo? Thong, thong, thong."

Sissoko: "I like the way beat goes."

Henry: "Oh sweet Abraham Lincoln it is Sisqo.  What an honour it is to meet you."

Sissoko: "And you to...whoever you are."

Henry: "Oh I'm Mr Henry but you can call me John."

Sissoko: "Sweet John."

Henry: "Sisqo called me sweet. Oh I need to phone home."

Rodgers: "That would require you learning how to use a phone first Sir."

Sissoko: "Use mine John. I got your wife on speed dial anyway."

Mr Henry phones his wife straight away. Too excited to talk.

Rodgers: "Do you always pretend to be Sisqo?"

Sissoko: "Look man it works. I be Sisqo and get all the hunnies. You be Kenny Rogers and get all the teletubbies."

Rodgers: "I don't pretend to be anyone thank you."

Henry: "That's a lie. He pretends to be a teacher here...oh yes hi hunny. It's me. What do you mean this isn't Sisqo's voice. No it's me. Your husband. Johnny...yes that's right the one with the credit cards. Well anyway..."

Sissoko: "Look at that man. Girl ain't a clue what his name is and he still loves her."

Rodgers: "She ain't got a clue what your name is either."

Sissoko: "No but she got dumps like truck truck truck, thighs like what what what, baby moves her butt butt butt. And she lets me see that thong."

Rodgers: "And that's what's important to you is it?"

Sissoko: "That's why I'm here. I heard there's a fine ass bi*ch by the name of Colleen Pascoe round here who looks mighty fine in a thong."

Rodgers: "Excuse me for a minute."

Mr Rodgers, along with everybody reading this, throws up at the very image of that.

Rodgers: "Sorry about that."

Sissoko: "So that ain't true?"

Rodgers: "No I'm afraid not."

Sissoko: "I'm in the wrong place then man. You know any fine looking hunnies round here?"

Flanagan: "Grove Street an' Crown Street, place is crawlin' with them."

Rodgers: "Why are you still here Flanno?"

Flanagan: "Just for the Scouse boss. Gotta have a bit of Scouse in the world."

Sissoko: "He's right man. Scouse girls love the thong, thong, thong. Peace out y'all, I'm got head needing Crown."

Momo Sissoko leaves before returning to take his phone back off Mr Henry. Mr Rodgers looks stressed as they still can't find a suitable deputy teacher and head chef.

Then, The Dom appears.

Matteo: "Remember me?"

Rodgers: "Yes you're Dominic Matteo. You were sh*t as a player and even worse as a gangster."

Henry: "Yes you're the man who threatened me to sack this jerk."

Matteo: "One of you is right. I'll let the readers of LFCReds decide which one. But I heard you're looking for a deputy."

Rodgers: "That's right. We're not looking for you though."

Matteo: "Oh no. I'm too busy to do it anyway but my friend Sami Hyypia hasn't heard back from you yet. Care to explain why?"

Rodgers: "Because his phone is always off when we ring him."

Matteo: "Bollocks. Nokia Nick still ain't fixed the phone for him. Wait here, it'll be fixed within a week. Then you better give Sami the answer he wants...or else."

Rodgers: "Or else what?"

Matteo: "Or else I kill that F***ing dickhead right there."

The Dom points at Ian Ayre, currently counting picking his toenails with a pair of pliers.

Rodgers: "Kill him. Won't make any difference."

Matteo: "OK him."

The Dom points at Mr Werner, still laughing from an earlier, unfunny, joke told by Mr Henry.

Henry: "No The Dom, you can't kill my puppet. Look he's really good to have around.

Mr Henry moves his hands, attached to which are strings which are in turn attached to Mr Werner. Mr Werner starts dancing to Thong Song.

Matteo: "OK, you proved your point. He's good to have around.

Rodgers: "Kill him anyway. Kill them all. You'll be doing me and the school a favour."

Matteo: "School?"

Rodgers: "Yes, this is Liverpool Football School."

Henry: "Business School Buddy. Liverpool Business School."

Matteo: "Liverpool Football School you say? I used to come here."

Rodgers: "I know, that's how I know who you are Dom."

Matteo: "And these people are ruining it you say?"

Rodgers: "They're playing a part yes."

Matteo: "Well I'm sorry Buddy."

Rodgers: "It's Brendan."

Matteo: "Whatever. I'm sorry. I thought this was the Pizza Hut. Big Sami has always wanted to work in an Italian looking restaurant. He even tries the accent. So I just assumed you know. But hey you ever have problems with my school, you come find me right."

Rodgers: "Yeah...right."

The Dom turns to leave, taking one last look at his old classroom.

Mr Rodgers sits back in his chair wondering when he'll get some new credible staff. Looking around the room, his hopes aren't high.

Countdown to the New Season

Liverpool Football School finally closed their doors on another school term but the work behind the scenes continues with teachers Mr Klopp, Mr Brain and Mr "Pinky" Pep all working tirelessly to ensure the next school term is considerably better than the one just finished.

Henry: "So what have y'all got planned for next term?"

Silence.

Henry: "Excuse me, I asked you a question."

Silence again.

Henry: "I won't ask you again!"

A chuckle break outs from the teachers after Mr Klopp finishes telling another of his jokes.

Henry: "Are you ready to answer my question now?"

Brain: "Well the answer to problem you posed Sir comes with huge complexity to relay it in a term that is understood, processed and digested by your minute intelligence. Therefore for you to fully comprehend what our plans are, you would be required to partake in a course that would destroy you mentally at an alarmingly increasing rate."

Henry: "I don't understand..."

Pinky: "That's sort of the point he was making. By the way, I've got the stuff. I'll meet you out back in about ten minutes ok?"

Henry: "You mean "the" stuff."

Pinky: "Yeah "the" stuff. Three hundred dollars my man said."

Henry: "OK. This is just between me and you though."

Pinky: "Yeah no problem. Do you need any Brain?"

Brain: "I'll speak to you about it later."

Pinky: "Boss?"

Klopp: "And then the nun said sister act."

Pinky: "You ok for stuff?"

Klopp: "Oh I need another stash of happy pills. I've gotta sit down and talk to a few kids about their futures here later and could certainly do with some pick me ups after that."

Pinky: "You got it Boss."

Pinky and Mr Henry go out back to finalise their deal, meanwhile teachers Klopp and Brain get down to discussing the future with the first pupil, Alberto Moreno.

Klopp: "So Albie, got any more jokes?"

Moreno: "Well yeah, there was this man who..."

Brain: "That is not the reason for this discussion unfortunately and you are one the biggest culprits for our failing records over the past six months or so Alberto. It is painful watching you perform to such a substandard level when we have given you the tools to perform much better. Your entire future here depends upon the results of this interview."

Moreno: "Si Brain Mr."

Brain: "Good, let's get serious then. Do you think you are capable of delivering a performance on a regular basis befitting the status of Liverpool Football School because right now I have to tell you I don't have that belief. And you are most definitely somebody we are currently looking to cut from the school program."

Moreno: "You can't do that Brain Mr."

Brain: "Well I suggest then Alberto you start convincing myself and the rest of the teachers here, including the Headmaster, that you deserve a place here next term."

Moreno: "I has improved greatly under your tutelage."

Brain: "If this is what you are like after great improvements then I dread to imagine how bad you were to begin with. I also fail to see any huge improvements in your results."

Moreno: "You must give me one more year Brain Mr. One more year to prove I is worthy."

Brain: "You can't even get my name the right way around. It's Mr Brain. I have suffered all I am willing to do so with you Alberto. If Mr Klopp agrees then you are free to start looking for a new establishment of education."

Klopp: "I'm still waiting for the joke."

Moreno: "So yeah Klopp Mr. This man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

Klopp is already creased.

Klopp: "Giraffe in a bar, oh that's genius.

Moreno: "And the man walks to the bar and asks for a pint of bitter for himself and a gin and tonic for the giraffe...

Klopp: "Gin and tonic. Stop it, stop it."

Moreno: "After a couple of hours, the barman calls last orders so the man buys the same round again. Bitter for him, gin and tonic for the giraffe. After he finishes his pint, he makes his way to the door with the giraffe. But by this point the giraffe is drunk..."

Klopp: "Drunk giraffe. Oh this is gold."

Moreno: "And it falls over as it goes to stand up...

Klopp is now crying with laugher. Mr Brain on the other hand is stone faced.

Moreno: "The man just goes to walk out the door but is stopped by the barman. The barman goes "where are you going?" and the man replies "home, you've called last orders." "what about that thing, you can't leave it." says the barman. "what do you expect me to do with it?" says the man. "take it with you" says the barman. "I can't lift that" says the man "you'll just have to wait till he sobers up." But the barman won't have it."

Klopp: "So what happens then Albie?"

Moreno: "Well the barman goes "I won't tell you again, you can't leave that lyin' there." and the man goes "it isn't a lion, it's a giraffe."

Mr Klopp is howling with laughter.

Klopp: "Albie, you're going nowhere. You stay with us.

Klopp wipes tears out of his eyes.

Brain: "You can't be serious boss."

Klopp: "Life is full of serious people, why should I be another?"

Brain: "He's holding us back."

Klopp: "But what a joke eh Brain Mr? Who else we seeing today?"

Brain: "We've got Jordan Henderson and Jordon Ibe in today."

Klopp: "Let's get them out the way, I want to go the Alberto to tell Albie's joke before I forget it."

Brain: "Henderson, please come in here."

Henderson enters the room.

Brain: "How are you Jordan?"

Henderson: "Why aye man, I'm great like."

Klopp: "Know any good jokes Jordy?"

Mr Brain sighs.

Henderson: "'ave you 'eard the one aboot the bald cat like?"

Klopp: "No what's that?"

Brain: "Look Jordan, as School prefect I don't think you should be behaving in this manner."

Henderson: "Mr Klopp asked me a question though Sir, I 'ave to answer it like."

Brain: "This is meant to be a serious discussion about your development and potential future here at the School Jordan, do you still telling jokes is the best way to go?"

Henderson: "Given who the 'eadteacher is man, then yeah jokes is the way to be. I wanna be 'ere for life man an' if that means tellin' jokes then I'll tell 'em."

Brain: "Do you think you've developed well enough under the teaching of Mr Klopp, Pinky Pip and myself to warrant a place here next term?"

Henderson: "Aye man, I think I did ok. Could do better like but ya nar I was alreet."

Brain" "Alreet is not good enough any more Jordan. Like I mentioned earlier, you are the School prefect and from a prefect we need perfect. So your standard has to improve drastically otherwise you will be looking elsewhere for your education."

Henderson: "Ya canny do that man. I love it 'ere. Ya canny get rid of me."

Brain: "Well my professional advice to you Jordan would be to pick your ideas up and take in the expert knowledge we here are giving you because this is a golden opportunity for you."

Henderson: "Aye Sir."

Klopp: "So the bald cat?"

Henderson: "Can I tell the joke like Mr Brain?"

Brain: "You've heard my advice Jordan, it is now your decision to either take it or dismiss it and continue to be a joke as a prefect and as a pupil of Liverpool Football School."

Henderson: "So yeah, the bald cat could nee get on the bus Sir cos it had no fare."

Klopp is again creased while Mr Brain is seething.

Brain: "So my advice counts for nothing?"

Henderson: "Nah it's not that Sir, it's just we're in the city famed for it's 'umour like. We might as well embrace it."

Brain: "We also represent a School famed for is's success. How about you embrace that as well?"

Henderson: "Aye Sir."

Henderson leaves the room, sour faced as Jordon Ibe enters.

Brain: "Hello Jordon, welcome to your development review."

Ibe: "Yeah but where's Pink?"

Brain: "Are you referring to Mr Pep?"

Ibe: "Yeah Pinky. I got some dosh for him, sold my first kilo today."

Brain: "And that's important to you is it?"

Ibe: "Look man I don't answer to anybody but Pink. Where is he?"

Just at the moment, Mr Henry walks into the room, stoned off his tits.

Henry: "Damn brother that's some good sh*t."

Ibe: "Yeah Pink hits you up with the good stuff innit?"

Henry: "Man oh man does he. That's the sh*t right there."

Ibe: "I'm on his firm to Sir, can I interest you in some Gary's."

Henry: "Oh man, give me the lot."

Ibe throws Mr Henry a stash of hundred tablets for a thousand dollars.

Ibe: "So Mr Brain you were saying?"

Mr Brain sighs.

Brain: "Do you know any good jokes?"

Ibe: "Yeah man Rickie Lambert. He didn't realise what a good thing he had going on here with Pink. But since he left, I got promoted to CPP."

Brain: "CPP?"

Ibe: "Chief Pill Pusher. Speaking of which, I've got a deal set up with Mammy Do Sakho. Gotta run."

And as Jordon Ibe leaves the room, Mr Brain looks completely lost of motivation. Mr Klopp is telling Mr Henry the joke about the giraffe in the bar. Pinky Pep is trying to intervene to sell Henry more drugs.

Not to worry though folks, the season is only just a few months away!

Countdown to the New Season

Liverpool Football School finally closed their doors on another school term but the work behind the scenes continues with teachers Mr Klopp, Mr Brain and Mr "Pinky" Pep all working tirelessly to ensure the next school term is considerably better than the one just finished.

Henry: "So what have y'all got planned for next term?"

Silence.

Henry: "Excuse me, I asked you a question."

Silence again.

Henry: "I won't ask you again!"

A chuckle break outs from the teachers after Mr Klopp finishes telling another of his jokes.

Henry: "Are you ready to answer my question now?"

Brain: "Well the answer to problem you posed Sir comes with huge complexity to relay it in a term that is understood, processed and digested by your minute intelligence. Therefore for you to fully comprehend what our plans are, you would be required to partake in a course that would destroy you mentally at an alarmingly increasing rate."

Henry: "I don't understand..."

Pinky: "That's sort of the point he was making. By the way, I've got the stuff. I'll meet you out back in about ten minutes ok?"

Henry: "You mean "the" stuff."

Pinky: "Yeah "the" stuff. Three hundred dollars my man said."

Henry: "OK. This is just between me and you though."

Pinky: "Yeah no problem. Do you need any Brain?"

Brain: "I'll speak to you about it later."

Pinky: "Boss?"

Klopp: "And then the nun said sister act."

Pinky: "You ok for stuff?"

Klopp: "Oh I need another stash of happy pills. I've gotta sit down and talk to a few kids about their futures here later and could certainly do with some pick me ups after that."

Pinky: "You got it Boss."

Pinky and Mr Henry go out back to finalise their deal, meanwhile teachers Klopp and Brain get down to discussing the future with the first pupil, Alberto Moreno.

Klopp: "So Albie, got any more jokes?"

Moreno: "Well yeah, there was this man who..."

Brain: "That is not the reason for this discussion unfortunately and you are one the biggest culprits for our failing records over the past six months or so Alberto. It is painful watching you perform to such a substandard level when we have given you the tools to perform much better. Your entire future here depends upon the results of this interview."

Moreno: "Si Brain Mr."

Brain: "Good, let's get serious then. Do you think you are capable of delivering a performance on a regular basis befitting the status of Liverpool Football School because right now I have to tell you I don't have that belief. And you are most definitely somebody we are currently looking to cut from the school program."

Moreno: "You can't do that Brain Mr."

Brain: "Well I suggest then Alberto you start convincing myself and the rest of the teachers here, including the Headmaster, that you deserve a place here next term."

Moreno: "I has improved greatly under your tutelage."

Brain: "If this is what you are like after great improvements then I dread to imagine how bad you were to begin with. I also fail to see any huge improvements in your results."

Moreno: "You must give me one more year Brain Mr. One more year to prove I is worthy."

Brain: "You can't even get my name the right way around. It's Mr Brain. I have suffered all I am willing to do so with you Alberto. If Mr Klopp agrees then you are free to start looking for a new establishment of education."

Klopp: "I'm still waiting for the joke."

Moreno: "So yeah Klopp Mr. This man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

Klopp is already creased.

Klopp: "Giraffe in a bar, oh that's genius.

Moreno: "And the man walks to the bar and asks for a pint of bitter for himself and a gin and tonic for the giraffe...

Klopp: "Gin and tonic. Stop it, stop it."

Moreno: "After a couple of hours, the barman calls last orders so the man buys the same round again. Bitter for him, gin and tonic for the giraffe. After he finishes his pint, he makes his way to the door with the giraffe. But by this point the giraffe is drunk..."

Klopp: "Drunk giraffe. Oh this is gold."

Moreno: "And it falls over as it goes to stand up...

Klopp is now crying with laugher. Mr Brain on the other hand is stone faced.

Moreno: "The man just goes to walk out the door but is stopped by the barman. The barman goes "where are you going?" and the man replies "home, you've called last orders." "what about that thing, you can't leave it." says the barman. "what do you expect me to do with it?" says the man. "take it with you" says the barman. "I can't lift that" says the man "you'll just have to wait till he sobers up." But the barman won't have it."

Klopp: "So what happens then Albie?"

Moreno: "Well the barman goes "I won't tell you again, you can't leave that lyin' there." and the man goes "it isn't a lion, it's a giraffe."

Mr Klopp is howling with laughter.

Klopp: "Albie, you're going nowhere. You stay with us.

Klopp wipes tears out of his eyes.

Brain: "You can't be serious boss."

Klopp: "Life is full of serious people, why should I be another?"

Brain: "He's holding us back."

Klopp: "But what a joke eh Brain Mr? Who else we seeing today?"

Brain: "We've got Jordan Henderson and Jordon Ibe in today."

Klopp: "Let's get them out the way, I want to go the Alberto to tell Albie's joke before I forget it."

Brain: "Henderson, please come in here."

Henderson enters the room.

Brain: "How are you Jordan?"

Henderson: "Why aye man, I'm great like."

Klopp: "Know any good jokes Jordy?"

Mr Brain sighs.

Henderson: "'ave you 'eard the one aboot the bald cat like?"

Klopp: "No what's that?"

Brain: "Look Jordan, as School prefect I don't think you should be behaving in this manner."

Henderson: "Mr Klopp asked me a question though Sir, I 'ave to answer it like."

Brain: "This is meant to be a serious discussion about your development and potential future here at the School Jordan, do you still telling jokes is the best way to go?"

Henderson: "Given who the 'eadteacher is man, then yeah jokes is the way to be. I wanna be 'ere for life man an' if that means tellin' jokes then I'll tell 'em."

Brain: "Do you think you've developed well enough under the teaching of Mr Klopp, Pinky Pip and myself to warrant a place here next term?"

Henderson: "Aye man, I think I did ok. Could do better like but ya nar I was alreet."

Brain" "Alreet is not good enough any more Jordan. Like I mentioned earlier, you are the School prefect and from a prefect we need perfect. So your standard has to improve drastically otherwise you will be looking elsewhere for your education."

Henderson: "Ya canny do that man. I love it 'ere. Ya canny get rid of me."

Brain: "Well my professional advice to you Jordan would be to pick your ideas up and take in the expert knowledge we here are giving you because this is a golden opportunity for you."

Henderson: "Aye Sir."

Klopp: "So the bald cat?"

Henderson: "Can I tell the joke like Mr Brain?"

Brain: "You've heard my advice Jordan, it is now your decision to either take it or dismiss it and continue to be a joke as a prefect and as a pupil of Liverpool Football School."

Henderson: "So yeah, the bald cat could nee get on the bus Sir cos it had no fare."

Klopp is again creased while Mr Brain is seething.

Brain: "So my advice counts for nothing?"

Henderson: "Nah it's not that Sir, it's just we're in the city famed for it's 'umour like. We might as well embrace it."

Brain: "We also represent a School famed for is's success. How about you embrace that as well?"

Henderson: "Aye Sir."

Henderson leaves the room, sour faced as Jordon Ibe enters.

Brain: "Hello Jordon, welcome to your development review."

Ibe: "Yeah but where's Pink?"

Brain: "Are you referring to Mr Pep?"

Ibe: "Yeah Pinky. I got some dosh for him, sold my first kilo today."

Brain: "And that's important to you is it?"

Ibe: "Look man I don't answer to anybody but Pink. Where is he?"

Just at the moment, Mr Henry walks into the room, stoned off his tits.

Henry: "Damn brother that's some good sh*t."

Ibe: "Yeah Pink hits you up with the good stuff innit?"

Henry: "Man oh man does he. That's the sh*t right there."

Ibe: "I'm on his firm to Sir, can I interest you in some Gary's."

Henry: "Oh man, give me the lot."

Ibe throws Mr Henry a stash of hundred tablets for a thousand dollars.

Ibe: "So Mr Brain you were saying?"

Mr Brain sighs.

Brain: "Do you know any good jokes?"

Ibe: "Yeah man Rickie Lambert. He didn't realise what a good thing he had going on here with Pink. But since he left, I got promoted to CPP."

Brain: "CPP?"

Ibe: "Chief Pill Pusher. Speaking of which, I've got a deal set up with Mammy Do Sakho. Gotta run."

And as Jordon Ibe leaves the room, Mr Brain looks completely lost of motivation. Mr Klopp is telling Mr Henry the joke about the giraffe in the bar. Pinky Pep is trying to intervene to sell Henry more drugs.

Not to worry though folks, the season is only just a few months away!

Firstly I want to say it's been a while since I've done one of these so some readers may not of seen it before. And if you haven't, please don't get offended by anything that's written. It's not meant to be offensive, it's just a piss take.

Secondly, I didn't realise how long it'd been since I'd done one so almost all the "characters" are new and not quite as defined as they were when I was writing these on a more regular basis when Rafa was in charge.

Thirdly, and finally, please enjoy. (I hope AussieRed will if nobody else)

The Season Is Over And A New One Just Begins

No sooner than the school year has finished are the boys all making their way back to class to hear what plans Mr Klopp and his staff have got install for them over the summer. As always, Mr Klopp starts by taking the register.

Klopp: "Ali?"

Alisson: "The Lord he leadeth me here."

Klopp: "Reliable as always, if not a tad round the bend. Joe?"

Gomez looks up and just nods.

Klopp: "Joe?"

Gomez nods again.

Klopp: "Joe are you here or has some dunce school made the worst decision of their lives and taken you off our books?

Gomez: "I'm here."

Klopp: "Well F***ing say you're here next time. Fab?"

Lijnders: "He's here, I saw him saying goodbye to that fine looking girlfriend of his. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp: "Yes and Pep the Perv needs to control himself this year. Virg?

Van Dijk looks up and nods.

Klopp: "Good. Ibou?"

Gomez: "Hang on a minute Sir, how can Virg can just nod and that's accepted but when I do it you kick up a fuss?"

Klopp: "Because he's Virgil Van F***ing Dijk...

Lijnders: "F***ing dykes, yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp clips Mr Lijnders round the back of the head.

Klopp: "As I was saying, he's Virgil Van Dijk and you, as much as you follow him around like a puppy dog and think you're Virgil Van Dijk. You're not. You're Joe F***ing Gomez who has been F***ing my school over for far too long. Now sit the F**k down you southern comfort fairy before I knock you the F**k down. Do I make myself F***ing clear?"

Gomez cowers and sits down, cradled in the arms of his big brother Virg.

Van Dijk: "Easy does it boss. You feel me?"

Klopp: "Ibou are you here?"

Andy Robertson pokes Konate who looks round in shock.

Robertson: "Ock aye Ibou man, answer 'im will ya otherwise weee'll be 'ere all fookin' day and nay body wunts dat do day?"

Konate looks confident based on what Robbo said.

Klopp: "Ibou?"

Konate: "Iron Blue Sir."

Klopp: "What?"

Konate: "Robbo, Iron Blue. Non?"

Klopp: "No but at least I know you're here. Thiago?"

Thiago raises his hand quickly and says yes.

Klopp: "Good. Erm who's next, ah Mo?"

Thiago: "Sir?"

Klopp: "What is it?"

Thiago: "Permission to see the nurse Sir, I think I dislocated my shoulder when I raised my arm."

Klopp: "Yes go. Don't run though because you'll probably do your hamstring in as well. Where was I? Oh yes, Mo."

Milner: "Sir, I'm next after Thiago. Number 7. Milly. Right?"

Klopp: "Milly I told you the other day that you're not to come back this term. You're done here."

Milner: "But Sir, why?"

Klopp: "You've had all the education we can give you, it's time to move on."

Milner: "But Sir, I don't want to move on. I want to stay here."

Klopp: "For fucks sake Milly, you can't. It's F***ing wierd that you're still here. It's starting to freak people out."

Milner "But Sir, why?

Klopp: "Because James you're old enough to be the father of some of these lads. I mean you're old enough to by my father for god's sake. People are beginning to think you're a F***ing nonce. These kids weren't even born when you were in Leeds' school. The fact you're still here is just a bit F***ing freaky..."

Lijnders: "F***ing freaky, yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Van Dijk: "Easy does it Boss. You feel me?"

Klopp: "You're right Virg, I'm sorry Milly. Maybe I said some things I shouldn't have said there but it's time for you to go. Here, let me help you with the zimmer."

Milner: "I can cope. I may be old but I'm not an invalid. Didn't treat people like this back in my day. I fought in the war so people like you could have a better life and look how you treat me."

Klopp: "Yes ok Milly."

Milner: "Ungateful youth. Never did have respect. Didn't happen like this in my day."

Klopp: "Come on Milly get a move on please. We haven't got all day and you won't the last the day. So please just get yourself to Lime St and head for Brighton."

Milner: "What times the train?"

Klopp: "July 25th. So if you leave now, you should make it with a couple of minutes to spare."

Milner: "Ungrateful gits. Didn't happen in my day. We respected our elders back in my day. Back in the good old days. Back when England was English and tea was from Yorkshire."

Klopp: "Yes well thankfully we've all moved on from there. Now, Mo are you here?"

Elliott: "His Highness says yes Sir."

Klopp: "Thank you. Who's next, Adrian?"

Adrian: "Si Senor."

Klopp: "Don't start that or we'll have another one coming back. Hendo?"

Henderson: "Aye pet."

Klopp: "CJ?"

Jones: "Yes lad."

Klopp: "Cody?"

Gakpo: "I didn't do it Boss."

Klopp: "Do what? I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just seeing if you're here."

Gakpo: "No I'm not here, I've got an alibi to prove where I am. I was on Sheil Road with two girls. By the way your red light district round here leaves a lot to be desired."

Lijnders: "Sheil Rd, yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp: "God another one round the F***ing twist. Harvey I heard you earlier. DJ?

Jota answers yes Sir in a very quiet voice.

Klopp: "Come on now Diogo, don't be shy. Speak up."

Still barely more than a whisper he says "yes Sir" again.

Robertson: "Nay gud Sir, 'e thinks all of oos 'ate 'im. 'e's shakin' like a fookin' leaf doon 'ere. Poor lassy eh? But any chance Sir, yoo canny move along with this name takin' lark a bit quicker? Me and Trent 'ave got a table booked for six ya know."

Klopp: "Well if I wasn't in charge of a bunch of F***ing idiots then maybe it wouldn't take so F***ing long would it Robbo? And if I didn't need a F***ing translator every time you opened your F***ing north of the border gob, it'd go a lot F***ing quicker. And if my teaching assistant wasn't knocking one out every five minutes because he's a F***ing perv, it'd speed things the F**k up wouldn't it? Look at him, he's already turning purple again because I said F***ing translator..."

Lijnders: "F***ing trans, yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp: "So don't F***ing tell me what to do, you hear me Andrew?"

Van Dijk: "Easy does it Boss. You feel me?"

Klopp: "Yes you're right Virg, sorry Robbo. I'll try and be as quick as I can. Kostas?"

Tsimikas: "Yes the lad. S'appening our kidder?"

Klopp: "Another for the thick table. Twenty-two here says Calvin Ramsey? Who the fucks that?"

Ramsey: "It's fookin' me, aye."

Klopp: "God not another one."

Robertson: "Ock aye Sir, two of us now. Nay body saw that comin' did day?"

Lijnders: "Saw that coming, yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp slaps Mr Lijnders again.

Klopp: "Lucho?"

Diaz: "I was with Cody. No drugs."

Gakpo: "No you idiot, we wasn't together, remember? You not see me, I not see you."

Diaz: "Oh si, si. No see. No drugs."

Jones: "A Dutchman and a Columbian on Shiel Road and there's no drugs, who da F**k you kiddin' Lou? Probably had Pep snortin' it off some tarts tits."

Lijnders: "Your mum's in fact."

Jones: "Da F**k you sayin' 'bout me mam lad?"

Lijnders: "Mam and lad. Yeah man. Pep approves, Pep likes."

Klopp: "Diaz are you here?"

Diaz: "Si si Sir. No see Cody."

Klopp: "Robbo you're here. We all know that. Charles Darwin Nunez?"

Alexander-Aronld: "He is here Sir. I heard him in the toilets singing the Beatles as I was sorting my hair out."

Robertson: "And what fookin' lovely lookin' 'air it is Trent. My god."

Alexander-Arnold: "Thank you Andrew. I can't say the same about yours because, well I couldn't lie. But nonetheless I thank you for liking my locks."

Klopp: "But where the F**k is Nunez now?"

Alexander-Arnold: "Last I heard Sir he was with Lucy in the sky of diamonds."

Klopp plants a right hand in Mr Lijnders mouth before he can even start speaking.

Klopp: "Well I'll take it he's here."

Alexander-Arnold: "Oh yes Sir, he's here eight days a week and he'll still be here when he's sixty-four."

Robertson: "Dat was Milly."

Klopp: "For someone who wants to get this over with Robbo, you sure like to drag it out."

Robertson: "Ock aye Sir, you're right. Let's mooove on. Carvalho is next Sir. I don't know if you remember 'im"

Klopp: "Of course I remember Ricardo."

Carvalho: "It's Fabio, Sir."

Klopp: "Of course it is Ricky. Arthur? He's gone. If he was ever here. Big Joel?"

Matip: "WHAT?"

Klopp: "He's still here. Stefan?"

Bajcetic: "Yes Sir."

Klopp: "Thank you Stefan, a straight yes Sir with no song and dance. Why can't the rest of you act like Stefan?

Bajcetic blushes as Klopp takes a mouthful of paella from a box marked "With love from Mrs Bajcetic".

Klopp: "Rhys and Nat?"

Williams: "Oh remembered us have you?"

Phillips: "Only ever call us when you need us."

Klopp: "Yes that's true. And I don't need you now so you can carry on doing whatever it is you do."

Williams returns to looking at tinder (Mr Lijnders looking over his shoulder) and Phillips returns to headbutting the wall.

Klopp: "Ben Doak?"

Doak: "Ock aye Sir, I'm 'ere Sir. Ready and willin' Sir."

Robertson: "The 'oly trinity Sir of Scots Sir."

Konate: "Iron Blue."

Doak: "And 'aggis all day eh?"

Klopp: "If you say so Ben. Caoimhin are you around?"

Kelleher: "Aye Sir." blushes slightly

Klopp: "No witty remarks from you? No big over the top personality? No drug smuggling racket? No sulking like a brat? No Beatlemania?

Kelleher: "No Sir." getting redder in the face

Klopp: "How much have Gakpo and Diaz stored in your gloves?"

Kelleher: "Three hundred bag fulls Sir. One for the Headmaster, Mr Henry, one for the Maid, Linda, and two hundred and ninety-eight for the Parkfield down Lark Lane. shining like a beacon

Klopp: "I thought as much. You two will not use my goalkeeper as mule. Do you feel me?"

Van Dijk: "Sir, that's my line."

Klopp: "So F***ing what Virgil? Do you wanna start something with me right now?"

Van Dijk backs down and looks for protection from Gomez, who shifts his chair a little further away seeing that Van Dijk can't control Mr Klopp as much as first thought.

Klopp: "Good. And finally the last name on this register is Trent Alexander-Arnold. And I know you're here...

The class begin to rise to their feet.

Klopp: "What the F**k are you lot doing, sit the F**k back down. I'm not F***ing finished with you lot yet. You can go have your play time when I say. Not before. Now sit there, listen and absorb what I'm about to say because I'm not a happy man right now."

Jones: "Should go down Sheil Road with Cody and Lucho tonight then Sir."

Klopp: "Shut the F**k up CJ because I'm in no mood for what you Scousers think is humour. We were embarrassed by almost every other F***ing school last term. Us, Liverpool Football School. The greatest school in the world. Look at our alumni. Look at the legends who've been to this school. Andriy Voronin, David N'Gog, Ricky Lambert. Household names around the entire world. And you lot embarrassed them last term. Well I'm not going to accept that this year. This year, we're going to live up to what our supporters sing. We're going to win the F***ing lot. We are going to win the Premier League School Cup. We are going to rule Europe once again. And we're going to stand a much better chance of doing that if you lot pull your fingers out your arses Klopp pushes Mr Lijnders off the chair and show some F***ing passion this year. Now are you lot ready for the fight?"

The whole class roars, apart from Jota who is hiding under a table.

Klopp: "Good. Now go and enjoy your play time because when you step foot back in here, it's time to knuckle down and be serious."

Maaate, it's been way too long.

That was absofuckinglootely sensational mate. In stitches here, crying with laughter lad. 

So many F***ing spot on things..Calvin Ramsay 

Pep, Cody, Lucho, Virg, Robbo, Gomez, F***ing Gomez    F***ing hilarious mate.

Thankyou so much, been a long long time mate. 

Keep 'em coming whenever u get in the mood mate, please.

BBQ Round At Hendo's

With the summer holidays in full swing, the boys of Liverpool Football School all took a trip to Headboy Hendo's house for a barbecue.

Henderson: "Alreet boys listen up to us like cause I didnee wanna make a long speech."

Jones: "Thank Fowler for that."

Henderson: "That's enough lip from you CJ and poot that salt an' pepper set back on the table will ye. I saw you pocket them ye thievin' Scouse c**t. Now I've lost me thread. Where was we?"

Alexander-Arnold: "I think dear Captain that we were in the midst of you not making a long winded speech."

Henderson: "At ye reet Trent, thanks man."

Robertson: "Aye my Trent is always right."

Henderson: "Yeah reet, so I didnee wanna make a long speech."

Van Dijk: "Hendo man, you've said that. You want to move this on or not? You feel me?"

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, you've said that. You want to move this on or not like my man Big Virg said?"

Henderson: "I'll listenee to Big Virg but you Little Virg can shoot the F**k up man."

Elliott: "Erm Skip?"

Henderson: "What's up Harvey man?"

Elliott: "His Royal Moness wants to know if the meat at this here barbecue is halal."

Henderson: "No it's Lidal."

Elliott: "I shall inform the His Royal Moness."

Henderson: "Any more interruptions or can I finish me speech like?"

Konate: "Hendo Monsieur."

Henderson: "Yes Ibou?"

Konate: "I not understand a word being said. I confused. I struggle."

Alexander-Arnold: "I wouldn't worry about it too much Ibrahima as I don't think anything of any note has been said yet. And despite our dear Captain wishing not to make a long speech, he's doing exactly that. Rather ironic when you think about it."

Jones: "Lad what's with all the 'airs and graces there? Speak properly like me. You're f***in' Scouse for fucks sake."

Tsmikas: "Innit lad la."

Alexander-Arnold: "If you expect to speak like that Curtis then you're going to be very disappointed I'm afraid. I have no desire to sound like you common people. I'm far above that level."

Jones: "Stuck up middle-class wannabe West Derby semi-detatched rose garden elm tree tit."

Tsmikas: "Where's da scran la Hendo kidder mate?"

Henderson: "It's cookig'. Now please will you let me finish."

Elliott: "His Royal Moness says tt'll give Ali and Fab time to finish praying and it'll also give Lucho and Cody some more time to finish snorting that salt up your nose. You know what they're like when they see small white particles like that."

They all look to Diaz and Gakpo, who are indeed doing lines of salt.

Diaz: "No, no, no. I no not do drugs. I clean."

Gakpo: "I'm on one hell of a ride. Hendo that salt is the sh*t Hendo. How much?"

Henderson: "Fifty pence from Asda."

Gakpo: "Pepper gets shaken Hendo but that salt gets you twisted. Weeeeeeeeeeee."

Van Dijk: "You want to be careful Hendo man, them carrying on like that will bring plod to your door."

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv you need to be careful because them carrying on like that will bring the filth to your drum."

Jones: "Is there a f***in' echo in 'ere or what?"

Elliott: "His Royal Moness said there was an Echo in here but as there was no toilet paper when I had to wipe his arse, there's no longer an Echo."

Robertson: "Ock jeeze Louise Harv, you didnee wipe 'is arse with a newspaper did ya? It'll be cut to ribbons man."

Elliott: "All the more chance His Royal Moness will ask me to kiss it better."

Robertson: "Eh that's not a bad wee plan you've come up with there Harv. Do you think it'll work with me and Trent like?"

Elliott: "I highly doubt your lust driven relationship with Trent is anywhere near as dear and genuine as mine and His Royal Mo."

Robertson: "Ock you didnee know what ye talkin' aboot wee fella. 'Ows the burgers Hendo?"

Henderson: "I don't know and I don't care. This whole barbecue has been a fiasco."

Konate: "Hendo man. I still confused."

Henderson: "And I'm confused as to why I bother bein' Headboy. I don't get any respect. I don't get any support. I'm just treated as a mockery by you lot. All of you. None of you listen to me. You only pretend when Sir is about. Well I've had it. You hear me? Had enough."

Jones: "If you've had enough Hendo can the rest of us start tuckin' in cause we're starved."

Tsmikas: "Yeah la kidder. Me mam T do no scran for tea tonight la."

Henderson: "You see nobody listens. Where's Diogo? He'll listen to me."

Alisson: "God has placed Diogo thus under the table. Shaking like the leaves in the Garden of Eden."

Henderson walks over the table, looks underneath it and grabs a shaking Diogo Jota by the scruff of the neck.

Henderson: "Diogo, you'll listen won't you? You'll do as I say?"

Jota trembles even more but nods.

Henderson: "Good. Now you see that barbecue?"

Henderson points at it as sweat pours off Jota but Diogo manages another nod.

Henderson: "Well I want you to go over and set that a light to make all these people happy. Got it?"

His entire body now vibrating, Jota meekly heads over to the barbecue and lights it. And the boys in unison sing "Oh he finally lit the barbie, now maybe he will cook our tea."

Fabinho: "Hot stuff, just like Mr Pep calls my wife."

Ramsey: "Fire burns like a Scotsman's heart. Wisdom learns not to poo when you fart. Old Scottish poem."

Matip: "AH FIRE."

Big Joel quickly pours water all over the barbecue to put the flames out.

Robertson: "You f***in' berk Joel."

Jones: "What 'ave you done lad?"

Henderson: "Fucks sake Joel man."

Alisson: "The burning bush is now a soggy flower."

Ramsey: "Liquid and heat are not always best friends. But curry with no water stings at both ends. Old Scottish poem."

Konate: "I understand curry."

Robertson: "Well it looks like it's gonee 'ave to be curry after this."

Henderson: "Well for fucks sake Robbo, keep Laurel and Hardy away from the spices. Otherwise we'll all be off our tits by the end of the night."

Van Dijk: "Don't worry Hendo man. I'll keep tabs on Cody and Lucho."

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, don't be fretting about Cody and Lucho. Me and Big Virg will keep an eye on them."

And with Van Dijk holding Diaz and Gakpo in a vice like grip under each of his arms, the lads went off to find a curry house and hopefully get their tea.

From Mourning Klopp, To Morning Slott

As the doors of Liverpool Football School close on the career of Mr Klopp, and his staff, they open for a new teacher, Mr Arne Slot. However not all students are ready to forget their favourite teacher.

Jones: "Ah lad, d'ya see Kloppo on the telly last night in the Madrid Dortmund game?"

Elliott: "Yes son. Made me cry it did."

Alexander-Arnold: "An' when 'e started singin'. f***in' 'ell la. I was gone."

Quansah: "Me too lad."

Jones: "Yeah but you're a wool lad so who cares?"

At that moment, Mr Slot walks in.

Slot:"Right, right, right lads. Let's settle down. Before we take the register, I'd just like to introduce myself to all of you. My name is Mr Slot. Got that? Mr Slot. Not slut just because I'm Dutch. Not slit for the same reason. Nor is it Rembrandt, Vincent, Johannes or Frans. Do you understand?"

Danns: "Yeah got that Pot Shot."

Mr Slot smirks and walks up to Jayden Danns, who himself is chuckling. Mr Slot then proceeds to slap Danns round the back of the head.

Slot: "Anybody else want to make fun of my name?"

The class all look at Danns, rolling round on the floor clutching his head and agree in unison that Mr Slot is not somebody to mee with.

Slot: "Right then, we can carry on with the register now. Number one, Becker?"

No answer.

Slot: "Come on, Alisson, don't be shy. If you're here just let me know."

Alexander-Arnold: "Excuse me Sir, but it's not shyness with Ali. It's just he's probably preoccupied with God right now. He'll be here when God tells him it's the right time to be here."

Slot: "And you are?"

Alexander-Arnold: "Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir."

Slot: "Well Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir, I thank you for your input but it would be better if you actually waited until it was called for in the future. If you did, things like this wouldn't happen."

Slot slaps Trent round the back of the head and just like Danns, he too falls to the floor clutching his head.

Slot: "So Alisson is not here. Next, Joe Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Van Gomez? You f***in' messin' or what Joe lad? I mean we all know you think you're Virg but changin' your f***in' name to Van Gomez. What a tit."

Slot: "Are you Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Me? No lad. I'm Curtis Jones."

Elliott: "Duck Jonesy."

But before Jones had processed what Elliott said, he was already rolling on the floor with a sore head after a Mr Slot slap.

Slot: "So, Joe Van Gomez are you here?"

Gomez: "I am."

Slot: "Good. Wataru Endo...oh wait I know he's here, he asked me for a selfie with him outside. Next on the list, Virgil Van Dijk. Are you here Virgil?"

Gomez: "He is."

Slot: "Good. Next is Ibrahima Konate. Ibrahima?"

Konate: "Ock oui de noo."

Slot: "Oh yes, you're the rather strange Frenchman who has a fetish for the Scottish accent because you can't understand a word of it aren't you?"

Konate: "Oui aye oui."

Slot: "Six... oh we don't have a six. Seven, Luis Diaz...oh he's here alright. Me and him shared some "stories" outside. And let me tell you he's one hundred percent Colombian. Eight is Dominik S...S...S...Dominik Smith?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szoboszlai, Sir."

Slot: "It's what?"

Szoboszlai: "Szoboszlai."

Slot: "What's that? Some sort of local delicacy?

Szoboszlai: "No that's how you pronounce my name."

Slot: "What are you talking about?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szo."

Slot: "Sir?" Yes I'm Sir."

Szoboszlai: "Not sir, Szo."

Slot: "I am Sir."

Elliott: "Duck Dom."

Szoboszlai: "No Sir, you are Sir yes. But my name is Szo."

Slot: "Sir..."

Szoboszlai: "F**k it that's close enough. Then bosz."

Slot: "Boz?"

Szoboszlai: "Lai."

Slot: "Lie?"

Szoboszlai: "So if you put it together you get Szoboszlai."

Slot: "So I take it Dominik Smith is here?"

Szoboszlai: "I suppose so."

Slot: "Good. Nine is Nunez, he's missing as usual. Ten is Alexis Mac Allister."

Mac Allister: "Present, Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Good I like presents. Cheese and clogs in particular."

Mac Allister: "Have some goya on toast Sir."

And Alexis serves up a plate of cheese on toast.

Slot: "Goya? Goya? Goya? He's a Spanish artist you stupid son of a bi*ch."

Elliott: "Duck Mac."

Mac Allister: "You misunderstand Sir, goya is the name of the cheese. It's from Argentina."

Slot: "Oh well why didn't you say."

Mr Slot takes a huge bite and licks his lips.

Slot: "It's no edam but it's damn good."

Mac Allister: "Oh very good Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Eleven is Mo Salah. He's here, I heard his fans earlier."

Mo clicks his fingers and Elliott jumps up to open the window where the kids parents are singing "...running down the wing." Mo smiles and instructs Elliott to close the window.

Slot: "Adrian is here but nobody knows why. Jones is down there with the other two. Cody is outside with Lucho. Elliott is here, he's had too much to say for himself. Twenty is Diogo Jota. Has anybody seen Jota?"

A squeak comes from under Van Dijk's table. The class monitor reaches under the table and lifts Jota up by his ankles.

Van Dijk: "He's here Sir."

Slot: "Good. Next is the Greek lad?"

Tsimikas: "Is right new Zeus. I iz loyal servant."

Slot: "Yes, well, I suppose we all need them from time to time. Andy Robertson is next."

Robertson: "Aye."

Slot: "Gravenberch?"

Gravenberch: "Ja ja my Dutchman Slot."

Slot: "Good. And we know Alexander-Arnold is here."

A cry of pain comes from the floor.

Slot: "And that is probably everybody of importance."

A number of the younger lads in the nursery section look angry.

Slot: "I'm sure we'll have a fantastic relationship you and I. As long as you all remember that this is my plane and I'm the pilot. The Dutch have taken over Liverpool. Me, Cody, Virg and Grav. So you better get used to it.

To be continued.

From Mourning Klopp, To Morning Slott

As the doors of Liverpool Football School close on the career of Mr Klopp, and his staff, they open for a new teacher, Mr Arne Slot. However not all students are ready to forget their favourite teacher.

Jones: "Ah lad, d'ya see Kloppo on the telly last night in the Madrid Dortmund game?"

Elliott: "Yes son. Made me cry it did."

Alexander-Arnold: "An' when 'e started singin'. f***in' 'ell la. I was gone."

Quansah: "Me too lad."

Jones: "Yeah but you're a wool lad so who cares?"

At that moment, Mr Slot walks in.

Slot:"Right, right, right lads. Let's settle down. Before we take the register, I'd just like to introduce myself to all of you. My name is Mr Slot. Got that? Mr Slot. Not slut just because I'm Dutch. Not slit for the same reason. Nor is it Rembrandt, Vincent, Johannes or Frans. Do you understand?"

Danns: "Yeah got that Pot Shot."

Mr Slot smirks and walks up to Jayden Danns, who himself is chuckling. Mr Slot then proceeds to slap Danns round the back of the head.

Slot: "Anybody else want to make fun of my name?"

The class all look at Danns, rolling round on the floor clutching his head and agree in unison that Mr Slot is not somebody to mee with.

Slot: "Right then, we can carry on with the register now. Number one, Becker?"

No answer.

Slot: "Come on, Alisson, don't be shy. If you're here just let me know."

Alexander-Arnold: "Excuse me Sir, but it's not shyness with Ali. It's just he's probably preoccupied with God right now. He'll be here when God tells him it's the right time to be here."

Slot: "And you are?"

Alexander-Arnold: "Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir."

Slot: "Well Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir, I thank you for your input but it would be better if you actually waited until it was called for in the future. If you did, things like this wouldn't happen."

Slot slaps Trent round the back of the head and just like Danns, he too falls to the floor clutching his head.

Slot: "So Alisson is not here. Next, Joe Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Van Gomez? You f***in' messin' or what Joe lad? I mean we all know you think you're Virg but changin' your f***in' name to Van Gomez. What a tit."

Slot: "Are you Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Me? No lad. I'm Curtis Jones."

Elliott: "Duck Jonesy."

But before Jones had processed what Elliott said, he was already rolling on the floor with a sore head after a Mr Slot slap.

Slot: "So, Joe Van Gomez are you here?"

Gomez: "I am."

Slot: "Good. Wataru Endo...oh wait I know he's here, he asked me for a selfie with him outside. Next on the list, Virgil Van Dijk. Are you here Virgil?"

Gomez: "He is."

Slot: "Good. Next is Ibrahima Konate. Ibrahima?"

Konate: "Ock oui de noo."

Slot: "Oh yes, you're the rather strange Frenchman who has a fetish for the Scottish accent because you can't understand a word of it aren't you?"

Konate: "Oui aye oui."

Slot: "Six... oh we don't have a six. Seven, Luis Diaz...oh he's here alright. Me and him shared some "stories" outside. And let me tell you he's one hundred percent Colombian. Eight is Dominik S...S...S...Dominik Smith?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szoboszlai, Sir."

Slot: "It's what?"

Szoboszlai: "Szoboszlai."

Slot: "What's that? Some sort of local delicacy?

Szoboszlai: "No that's how you pronounce my name."

Slot: "What are you talking about?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szo."

Slot: "Sir?" Yes I'm Sir."

Szoboszlai: "Not sir, Szo."

Slot: "I am Sir."

Elliott: "Duck Dom."

Szoboszlai: "No Sir, you are Sir yes. But my name is Szo."

Slot: "Sir..."

Szoboszlai: "F**k it that's close enough. Then bosz."

Slot: "Boz?"

Szoboszlai: "Lai."

Slot: "Lie?"

Szoboszlai: "So if you put it together you get Szoboszlai."

Slot: "So I take it Dominik Smith is here?"

Szoboszlai: "I suppose so."

Slot: "Good. Nine is Nunez, he's missing as usual. Ten is Alexis Mac Allister."

Mac Allister: "Present, Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Good I like presents. Cheese and clogs in particular."

Mac Allister: "Have some goya on toast Sir."

And Alexis serves up a plate of cheese on toast.

Slot: "Goya? Goya? Goya? He's a Spanish artist you stupid son of a bi*ch."

Elliott: "Duck Mac."

Mac Allister: "You misunderstand Sir, goya is the name of the cheese. It's from Argentina."

Slot: "Oh well why didn't you say."

Mr Slot takes a huge bite and licks his lips.

Slot: "It's no edam but it's damn good."

Mac Allister: "Oh very good Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Eleven is Mo Salah. He's here, I heard his fans earlier."

Mo clicks his fingers and Elliott jumps up to open the window where the kids parents are singing "...running down the wing." Mo smiles and instructs Elliott to close the window.

Slot: "Adrian is here but nobody knows why. Jones is down there with the other two. Cody is outside with Lucho. Elliott is here, he's had too much to say for himself. Twenty is Diogo Jota. Has anybody seen Jota?"

A squeak comes from under Van Dijk's table. The class monitor reaches under the table and lifts Jota up by his ankles.

Van Dijk: "He's here Sir."

Slot: "Good. Next is the Greek lad?"

Tsimikas: "Is right new Zeus. I iz loyal servant."

Slot: "Yes, well, I suppose we all need them from time to time. Andy Robertson is next."

Robertson: "Aye."

Slot: "Gravenberch?"

Gravenberch: "Ja ja my Dutchman Slot."

Slot: "Good. And we know Alexander-Arnold is here."

A cry of pain comes from the floor.

Slot: "And that is probably everybody of importance."

A number of the younger lads in the nursery section look angry.

Slot: "I'm sure we'll have a fantastic relationship you and I. As long as you all remember that this is my plane and I'm the pilot. The Dutch have taken over Liverpool. Me, Cody, Virg and Grav. So you better get used to it.

To be continued.

😃

Liverpool's Future Is Bright, Liverpool's Future Is Oranje

After an eventful first day with new teacher, Mr Slot, the lads of Liverpool Football School are already having different views on the new man. In particular the Scousepranos seem to be really unkeen on him.

Jones: "So come 'ead Trent, wha' are we gonna do about dis divvy?"

Alexander-Arnold: "I dunno la. But we 'ave to do summit. Any ideas Despo?"

Danns: "Nah lad. But we deffo 'ave to do summit."

Jones: "Gonna 'ave to be outside 'elp innit."

Alexander-Arnold: "Like who?" Harvcastle?"

Jones: "Nah 'e's good at gettin' on ya wick with 'is gob but ya don't want 'im in a war."

Danns: "Robbo?"

Jones: "Knockin' on a bit in 'e?

Alexander-Arnold: "Wha' abar Nevis then?"

Danns: "Yeah 'e's just a mini-Robbo anyway."

Jones: "Yeah go 'ead. Despo, you're good mates with Taffy Koumas as well aren't ya?"

Danns: "Yeah lad."

Jones: "Get 'im on board an' Conman. 'e's a dab 'and at gettin' stuck in."

Alexander-Arnold: "Queef?"

Jones: "Yeah why not."

Danns: "Good little firm that. Us three an' them four."

Alexander-Arnold: "Liverpool is Scouse."

Meanwhile, Mr Slot and his Dutch Masters are also discussing the future of the School.

Gakpo: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaan I'm high."

Gravenberch: "My Dutchman Slot, I respect how you lay law down. But also we all one here. You want them respect you but you must earn that to. You not just slap people upside the head and expect respect. My Dutchman Slot get that?"

Slot: "I do Ryan. I thank you for your Norman Wisdom. Virgil, do you have any Norman to share?"

Van Dijk nods.

Gomez: "My man says he does."

Van Dijk: "Bless you my Joe. I agree with Gravenberch, Sir. Respect is earned and I think maybe you make a very small mistake."

Slot: "Well as a teacher I never stop learning so your words mean a lot to me."

Gravenberch: "But my Dutchman Slot, if they...now not Flash."

Gravenberch pushes Endo away, who is trying to get a selfie with his camera.

Gravenberch: "If they show not respect again, slap them all upsdie head."

Gravenberch looks at Mr Slot, who is having a picture taken with Endo.

Slot: "I agree with that."

Mr Slot blows in his hand and admires it. Just at that point, Alexis Mac Allister knocks on Mr Slot's door.

Slot: "Enter."

Mac Allister: "Sorry to disturb you Mr Slot, Sir, but I just thought I should let you know that Scousers Trent, Jones and Danns and plotting to put together a little "firm" they called it to go to war with you."

Outside the office, Harvey Elliott is heard shouting "suck up."

Slot: "Thank you Alexis. Here's a slice of edam."

The boss feeds Mac Allister a piece of cheese. Elsewhere, many of the other children who haven't been chosen by either side yet are discussing things of a more friendly nature.

Robertson: "You fookin' tell 'im you great Greek puddin'."

Tsimikas: "I iz not telling him Robbo lad. No way la."

Konate: "Haggis ye will. Oui."

Tsimikas: "I iz not. Youz tell kidda he gotz to stopz wiv da pics."

Camera flashes are going off as Wataru Endo makes his way over.

Szoboszlai: "I'll tell him."

Robertson: "Be gentle though Smigger."

Konate: "Aye oui, nay Glasgow kiss or Irn Bru over tete."

Robertson: "That's French for head."

Robertson and Konate wink at one another.

Szoboszlai: "You don't need to tell me how to handle a situation like this. I'm very good at these situations. How do you think I became the milk monitor for Hungary?"

Elliott: "Sucking up probably."

Szoboszlai: "No Harvcastle it wasn't. It was by being perfectly diplomatic and understanding the different characteristics of my peers. Now if you'll excuse me I have a Japanese camera loving nutjob to talk to. Oh if that isn't the stereotype of the century. All he needs now is to bow a lot and wear a sumo costume.

Robertson: "Careful what you wish for Smig. Look."

Everyone turns to see Endo donning his new sumo outfit.

Robertson: "But this school is full of stereotypes. Lucho is from Columbia so must be on the coke. Slot is Dutch so must love the cheese. Nunez is always missing, wink wink nudge nudge. No idea why the Greek is what he is or why Jota is a bully victim for everybody but it is what it is."

Szoboszlai: "That doesn't make it right!"

Robertson: "Maybe not but it makes people have a few laughs and that can't be wrong."

Szoboszlai: "Maybe you're better at these sort of talks than I though."

Robertson: "You're not the only milk monitor round here Smig."

As Szoboszlai attempts to talk Endo out of photographing everything in sight, Mo Salah polishes his crown, the Scousers and Dutch draw up some battle plans and Diogo Jota fears for his life underneath his desk, the rest of the lads await their next day at Liverpool Football School.

To be continued.

BBQ Round At Hendo's

With the summer holidays in full swing, the boys of Liverpool Football School all took a trip to Headboy Hendo's house for a barbecue.

Henderson: "Alreet boys listen up to us like cause I didnee wanna make a long speech."

Jones: "Thank Fowler for that."

Henderson: "That's enough lip from you CJ and poot that salt an' pepper set back on the table will ye. I saw you pocket them ye thievin' Scouse c**t. Now I've lost me thread. Where was we?"

Alexander-Arnold: "I think dear Captain that we were in the midst of you not making a long winded speech."

Henderson: "At ye reet Trent, thanks man."

Robertson: "Aye my Trent is always right."

Henderson: "Yeah reet, so I didnee wanna make a long speech."

Van Dijk: "Hendo man, you've said that. You want to move this on or not? You feel me?"

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, you've said that. You want to move this on or not like my man Big Virg said?"

Henderson: "I'll listenee to Big Virg but you Little Virg can shoot the F**k up man."

Elliott: "Erm Skip?"

Henderson: "What's up Harvey man?"

Elliott: "His Royal Moness wants to know if the meat at this here barbecue is halal."

Henderson: "No it's Lidal."

Elliott: "I shall inform the His Royal Moness."

Henderson: "Any more interruptions or can I finish me speech like?"

Konate: "Hendo Monsieur."

Henderson: "Yes Ibou?"

Konate: "I not understand a word being said. I confused. I struggle."

Alexander-Arnold: "I wouldn't worry about it too much Ibrahima as I don't think anything of any note has been said yet. And despite our dear Captain wishing not to make a long speech, he's doing exactly that. Rather ironic when you think about it."

Jones: "Lad what's with all the 'airs and graces there? Speak properly like me. You're f***in' Scouse for fucks sake."

Tsmikas: "Innit lad la."

Alexander-Arnold: "If you expect to speak like that Curtis then you're going to be very disappointed I'm afraid. I have no desire to sound like you common people. I'm far above that level."

Jones: "Stuck up middle-class wannabe West Derby semi-detatched rose garden elm tree tit."

Tsmikas: "Where's da scran la Hendo kidder mate?"

Henderson: "It's cookig'. Now please will you let me finish."

Elliott: "His Royal Moness says tt'll give Ali and Fab time to finish praying and it'll also give Lucho and Cody some more time to finish snorting that salt up your nose. You know what they're like when they see small white particles like that."

They all look to Diaz and Gakpo, who are indeed doing lines of salt.

Diaz: "No, no, no. I no not do drugs. I clean."

Gakpo: "I'm on one hell of a ride. Hendo that salt is the sh*t Hendo. How much?"

Henderson: "Fifty pence from Asda."

Gakpo: "Pepper gets shaken Hendo but that salt gets you twisted. Weeeeeeeeeeee."

Van Dijk: "You want to be careful Hendo man, them carrying on like that will bring plod to your door."

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv you need to be careful because them carrying on like that will bring the filth to your drum."

Jones: "Is there a f***in' echo in 'ere or what?"

Elliott: "His Royal Moness said there was an Echo in here but as there was no toilet paper when I had to wipe his arse, there's no longer an Echo."

Robertson: "Ock jeeze Louise Harv, you didnee wipe 'is arse with a newspaper did ya? It'll be cut to ribbons man."

Elliott: "All the more chance His Royal Moness will ask me to kiss it better."

Robertson: "Eh that's not a bad wee plan you've come up with there Harv. Do you think it'll work with me and Trent like?"

Elliott: "I highly doubt your lust driven relationship with Trent is anywhere near as dear and genuine as mine and His Royal Mo."

Robertson: "Ock you didnee know what ye talkin' aboot wee fella. 'Ows the burgers Hendo?"

Henderson: "I don't know and I don't care. This whole barbecue has been a fiasco."

Konate: "Hendo man. I still confused."

Henderson: "And I'm confused as to why I bother bein' Headboy. I don't get any respect. I don't get any support. I'm just treated as a mockery by you lot. All of you. None of you listen to me. You only pretend when Sir is about. Well I've had it. You hear me? Had enough."

Jones: "If you've had enough Hendo can the rest of us start tuckin' in cause we're starved."

Tsmikas: "Yeah la kidder. Me mam T do no scran for tea tonight la."

Henderson: "You see nobody listens. Where's Diogo? He'll listen to me."

Alisson: "God has placed Diogo thus under the table. Shaking like the leaves in the Garden of Eden."

Henderson walks over the table, looks underneath it and grabs a shaking Diogo Jota by the scruff of the neck.

Henderson: "Diogo, you'll listen won't you? You'll do as I say?"

Jota trembles even more but nods.

Henderson: "Good. Now you see that barbecue?"

Henderson points at it as sweat pours off Jota but Diogo manages another nod.

Henderson: "Well I want you to go over and set that a light to make all these people happy. Got it?"

His entire body now vibrating, Jota meekly heads over to the barbecue and lights it. And the boys in unison sing "Oh he finally lit the barbie, now maybe he will cook our tea."

Fabinho: "Hot stuff, just like Mr Pep calls my wife."

Ramsey: "Fire burns like a Scotsman's heart. Wisdom learns not to poo when you fart. Old Scottish poem."

Matip: "AH FIRE."

Big Joel quickly pours water all over the barbecue to put the flames out.

Robertson: "You f***in' berk Joel."

Jones: "What 'ave you done lad?"

Henderson: "Fucks sake Joel man."

Alisson: "The burning bush is now a soggy flower."

Ramsey: "Liquid and heat are not always best friends. But curry with no water stings at both ends. Old Scottish poem."

Konate: "I understand curry."

Robertson: "Well it looks like it's gonee 'ave to be curry after this."

Henderson: "Well for fucks sake Robbo, keep Laurel and Hardy away from the spices. Otherwise we'll all be off our tits by the end of the night."

Van Dijk: "Don't worry Hendo man. I'll keep tabs on Cody and Lucho."

Gomez: "Yeah Hendo bruv, don't be fretting about Cody and Lucho. Me and Big Virg will keep an eye on them."

And with Van Dijk holding Diaz and Gakpo in a vice like grip under each of his arms, the lads went off to find a curry house and hopefully get their tea.

Konate, Tsimi, Elliott and Robbo  .  F**k your imagination makes me laugh mate. Quality work again.

From Mourning Klopp, To Morning Slott

As the doors of Liverpool Football School close on the career of Mr Klopp, and his staff, they open for a new teacher, Mr Arne Slot. However not all students are ready to forget their favourite teacher.

Jones: "Ah lad, d'ya see Kloppo on the telly last night in the Madrid Dortmund game?"

Elliott: "Yes son. Made me cry it did."

Alexander-Arnold: "An' when 'e started singin'. f***in' 'ell la. I was gone."

Quansah: "Me too lad."

Jones: "Yeah but you're a wool lad so who cares?"

At that moment, Mr Slot walks in.

Slot:"Right, right, right lads. Let's settle down. Before we take the register, I'd just like to introduce myself to all of you. My name is Mr Slot. Got that? Mr Slot. Not slut just because I'm Dutch. Not slit for the same reason. Nor is it Rembrandt, Vincent, Johannes or Frans. Do you understand?"

Danns: "Yeah got that Pot Shot."

Mr Slot smirks and walks up to Jayden Danns, who himself is chuckling. Mr Slot then proceeds to slap Danns round the back of the head.

Slot: "Anybody else want to make fun of my name?"

The class all look at Danns, rolling round on the floor clutching his head and agree in unison that Mr Slot is not somebody to mee with.

Slot: "Right then, we can carry on with the register now. Number one, Becker?"

No answer.

Slot: "Come on, Alisson, don't be shy. If you're here just let me know."

Alexander-Arnold: "Excuse me Sir, but it's not shyness with Ali. It's just he's probably preoccupied with God right now. He'll be here when God tells him it's the right time to be here."

Slot: "And you are?"

Alexander-Arnold: "Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir."

Slot: "Well Trent Alexander-Arnold at your service Sir, I thank you for your input but it would be better if you actually waited until it was called for in the future. If you did, things like this wouldn't happen."

Slot slaps Trent round the back of the head and just like Danns, he too falls to the floor clutching his head.

Slot: "So Alisson is not here. Next, Joe Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Van Gomez? You f***in' messin' or what Joe lad? I mean we all know you think you're Virg but changin' your f***in' name to Van Gomez. What a tit."

Slot: "Are you Van Gomez?"

Jones: "Me? No lad. I'm Curtis Jones."

Elliott: "Duck Jonesy."

But before Jones had processed what Elliott said, he was already rolling on the floor with a sore head after a Mr Slot slap.

Slot: "So, Joe Van Gomez are you here?"

Gomez: "I am."

Slot: "Good. Wataru Endo...oh wait I know he's here, he asked me for a selfie with him outside. Next on the list, Virgil Van Dijk. Are you here Virgil?"

Gomez: "He is."

Slot: "Good. Next is Ibrahima Konate. Ibrahima?"

Konate: "Ock oui de noo."

Slot: "Oh yes, you're the rather strange Frenchman who has a fetish for the Scottish accent because you can't understand a word of it aren't you?"

Konate: "Oui aye oui."

Slot: "Six... oh we don't have a six. Seven, Luis Diaz...oh he's here alright. Me and him shared some "stories" outside. And let me tell you he's one hundred percent Colombian. Eight is Dominik S...S...S...Dominik Smith?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szoboszlai, Sir."

Slot: "It's what?"

Szoboszlai: "Szoboszlai."

Slot: "What's that? Some sort of local delicacy?

Szoboszlai: "No that's how you pronounce my name."

Slot: "What are you talking about?"

Szoboszlai: "It's Szo."

Slot: "Sir?" Yes I'm Sir."

Szoboszlai: "Not sir, Szo."

Slot: "I am Sir."

Elliott: "Duck Dom."

Szoboszlai: "No Sir, you are Sir yes. But my name is Szo."

Slot: "Sir..."

Szoboszlai: "F**k it that's close enough. Then bosz."

Slot: "Boz?"

Szoboszlai: "Lai."

Slot: "Lie?"

Szoboszlai: "So if you put it together you get Szoboszlai."

Slot: "So I take it Dominik Smith is here?"

Szoboszlai: "I suppose so."

Slot: "Good. Nine is Nunez, he's missing as usual. Ten is Alexis Mac Allister."

Mac Allister: "Present, Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Good I like presents. Cheese and clogs in particular."

Mac Allister: "Have some goya on toast Sir."

And Alexis serves up a plate of cheese on toast.

Slot: "Goya? Goya? Goya? He's a Spanish artist you stupid son of a bi*ch."

Elliott: "Duck Mac."

Mac Allister: "You misunderstand Sir, goya is the name of the cheese. It's from Argentina."

Slot: "Oh well why didn't you say."

Mr Slot takes a huge bite and licks his lips.

Slot: "It's no edam but it's damn good."

Mac Allister: "Oh very good Sir."

Elliott: "Suck up."

Slot: "Eleven is Mo Salah. He's here, I heard his fans earlier."

Mo clicks his fingers and Elliott jumps up to open the window where the kids parents are singing "...running down the wing." Mo smiles and instructs Elliott to close the window.

Slot: "Adrian is here but nobody knows why. Jones is down there with the other two. Cody is outside with Lucho. Elliott is here, he's had too much to say for himself. Twenty is Diogo Jota. Has anybody seen Jota?"

A squeak comes from under Van Dijk's table. The class monitor reaches under the table and lifts Jota up by his ankles.

Van Dijk: "He's here Sir."

Slot: "Good. Next is the Greek lad?"

Tsimikas: "Is right new Zeus. I iz loyal servant."

Slot: "Yes, well, I suppose we all need them from time to time. Andy Robertson is next."

Robertson: "Aye."

Slot: "Gravenberch?"

Gravenberch: "Ja ja my Dutchman Slot."

Slot: "Good. And we know Alexander-Arnold is here."

A cry of pain comes from the floor.

Slot: "And that is probably everybody of importance."

A number of the younger lads in the nursery section look angry.

Slot: "I'm sure we'll have a fantastic relationship you and I. As long as you all remember that this is my plane and I'm the pilot. The Dutch have taken over Liverpool. Me, Cody, Virg and Grav. So you better get used to it.

To be continued.

Waturo wanted a selfie  that is fkn hilarious mate.