Liverpool Football School

The class returned for another week of school but as always Monday was a review of the weekend's match. Mr Benitez however was back to his professional self and was not interacting with the class the way he was on the bus leading up to the Everton game.

Benitez:   "OK lads it's time to review the situation of what went right and what went wrong. Who'd like to kick us off?"

Carragher:   "I will. Nando's goals were definately the high point... Gerrard stared at Carragher, his eyes filled with jealousy ...and a special mention to Robbie who is gettin' better all the time. He and Nando are really lookin' like the real deal now.

Hyypia:   "My thoughts exactly that."

Benitez:   "Anybody have anything else positive to say no? OK then, what about the negatives?"

Carragher:   "Xabi bein' a sh*t 'ouse and stayin' down instead of gettin' up and givin' that tosser Cahill a good kickin'.

Alonso:   "I think that is disgraceful thing to say"

Spearing:   "Carra leave it lad, I told everyone to leave Cahill cos I wanted him."

Carragher:   "Still though, Xabi should of give 'im a dig."

Agger:   "Maybe he isn't a fighter Carra."

Carragher:   "He was quick enough givin I'm A Good Diver a seein too in 2005 after he got Xabi suspensed for the second leg."

Hyypia:   "That's true. Gudjohnsen got stuffed after the match by Xabi."

Benitez:   "Well I told Xabi not to react to Cahill."

Kuyt:   "I tink I playz well on Satday."

Spearing:   "Well no one else did so belt up."

Kuyt:   "Who do youz tink youz iz talkin to?"

Spearing:   "You want a straightner?"

Reina:   "Nah he likes his hair curly."

The class, other than Steven Gerrard, began laughing. Gerrard was still sulking at the amount of attention Torres was getting off the other lads.

El Zhar:   "I think Kuyt should appologise to Jay there."

Darby:   "Nab stop sh*t stairin' lad."

Keane:   "Oi Nabil, my mate's girlfriend's mum's third husband's theropist's son is a chef. I could get you a spoon to do the staiting if you want?"

El Zhar:   "I'm only sh*t stairing to get some speaking part. I usually just sit here in silence like Pennant and Lucas."

Lucas:   "Yeah, how come I never get to speak?"

Carragher:   "Cos you're sh*t."

Lucas:   "F**k you."

Carragher smirked before getting up and breaking Lucas' nose with one punch. Yossi Benayoun was quick on the scene to inform Mr Benitez of what happened and why.

Benayoun:   "Sir, sir, sir. Carragher and Lucas just had a fight."

Benitez:   "WHAT?"

Benayoun:   "Thay had a fight. I saw it all."

Carragher:   "Oi Grass, one punch ain't a fight lad. That's me teachin' him not to talk to me like that again."

Pennant:   "Can I say something?"

Reina:   "Only if we can break your nose afterwards."

Pennant:   "I'll keep it to myself then."

Hyypia:   "Good idea lad."

Fernando Torres went to comfort Steven Gerrard.

Torres:   "What's wrong with you now Stevie?"

Gerrard:   "Nothing I just wanna be left alone."

Torres:   "Is it me? Have I upset you?"

Gerrard:   "No it's not your fault. It's not you it's me."

Torres:    "I hate to see you upset though."

Gerrard:   "Well there's nothing you can do. I've got to learn that other lads may love you as well."

Torres:   "But I only care if you love me. No one else."

Gerrard:   "I know but it still hurts me to see others all over you."

Torres:   "I can change, I'll them not to."

Gerrard:   "No please don't. You don't have to, it's me with the problem."

Torres:   "Are you going to be ok though?"

Gerrard:   "Yes thanks."

Torres and Gerrard shared a hug before Torres left the club captain sitting in the corner sulking.

Dossena:   "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

Reina:   "Go to Aintree, there's loads there. You have to provide your own sauce though."

Dossena:   "Don't worry, I've got the sauce with me."

Reina:   "Surprised you haven't got the horse with you."

Carragher:   "He did, but he ate it."

Dossena:   "That was a pony. Not a horse."

Carragher:   "Don't get smart lad or you'll go the same way as Lucas."

Dossena:   "You threatening me?"

Carragher:   "No I'm promising you."

Dossena:   "Lets have it then."

As the two squared up with one another, Xabi Alonso and Robbie Keane split the two up.

Spearing:   "Leave it Carra, ye already in stick over the Lucas thing. No point gettin' into another scrap."

Carragher:   "He's got it coming though."

Spearing:   "Well we'll get 'im after school."

Carragher:   "All right, I'll bide me time. When's dinner today anyway or aren't we getting one?"

Hyypia:   "I think Beardy has disappered so we might not be gettin' one la."

Carragher:   "F**k it la, I'm goin' to get some grub. Ye comin' with me?"

A few of the lads agreed and off they went to get their dinner while the rest of the class remained in the classroom.

Darby:   "Reckon we get off after this? No lessons are there?"

Agger:   "Sound I could do with getting home early."

Spearing:   "What for Dan?"

Reina:   "Needs his batteries recharged probably."

Agger:   "No, it's just I taped a film last night and I wanna watch it."

Spearing:   "What film?"

Agger:   "It's called Scum."

Carragher:   "It's good that. About a borstel."

Reina:   "I'm getting off early and all. Promised Dawn from Park Lane I'd take her out tonight."

Spearing:   "Oh aye?"

Reina:   "Aye. 22 year old blonde. She's good at DIY and all. Her shelves are well stacked if you know what I mean."

Spearing:   "Ye sure it's her own work and not the work of an expert?"

The lads started laughing while the rest of the class made their way in for dinner.

Carragher:   "Ye alright Stevie?"

Gerrard:   "Yeah I'm sound ta mate. Rafa's lookin' for you though."

Carragher:   "What for?"

Gerrard:   "Comin' to get ye grub early I suppose."

Carragher:   "Ah F**k it, we're gettin' off after this an' all. Ye comin'?"

Gerrard:   "Where ye goin'?"

Carragher:   "Pepe's goin' to a DIY store, Dan's goin' to watch a film and the rest of us are goin' out for a drink in the Cabbage."

Gerrard:   "Yeah sound mate I'll come. Need to clear me 'ead anyway."

Hyypia:   "Is Nando comin' with us?"

Gerrard:   "No he won't bunk off."

Hyypia:   "Shame."

The lads finished their dinner and decided to bunk off.

Benitez:   "Thank you Yossi for informing me about those who decided to leave early. They'll wish they hadn't tomorrow."

Torres:   "It's my fault, sir. I pushed Stevie too far."

Benitez:   "Well don't blame yourself Fernando. They all have their own minds. They'll be on detention for the week now. Well anyway since those have gone, you lot might as well go to."

The rest of the class made their way to various destinations.

Loving it dls.

Bloody hell Stevie, he's abit touchy aint he. Brilliant stuff as always mate.

sorry folks this has got to stop. I've recieved a - for this. apparently I need to grow up because i am and I quote "a tit"

So again appologies folks but the school must close down for somebody without a sense of humour

I thought it was funny,guy must have a sense of humour bypass

cheers mate.

i have my suspicions as to who it might have been though. hopefully they'll be (wo)man enough to say it was them and why they think I'm a tit. I would however like to see if every single person who has said this is good recieved a negative as well or if it's simply a jealousy thing that I'm a comical genius and they're not seriously though, i do expect it to be a personal thing.

sorry folks this has got to stop. I've recieved a - for this. apparently I need to grow up because I am and I quote "a tit"

So again appologies folks but the school must close down for somebody without a sense of humour

F*ck 'em.  If they don't like it they can avoid reading it.

Most people on this forum have given you credit, praise and +karma for it.  Ignore the miserable d*ckheads.

F*ck 'em.  If they don't like it they can avoid reading it.

Most people on this forum have given you credit, praise and +karma for it.  Ignore the miserable d*ckheads.

My sentiments exactly,well said!

I like it here a plus for you dunlop.. the guy who hated me once remember

WTF this is funny sh**. DLS you are a comical mastermind. LEGEND.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Funniest thing ever.

Whoever gave DLS a neg can give me one too, because what he's doing is not wrong or childish, and I completely support his work 100%.

I like it here a plus for you dunlop.. the guy who hated me once remember

don't think I ever hated you mate, just a slight disagreement (on a lot of things) and I over stepped the mark a few times, which I rightfully got a few negatives for. But all in the past, maybe because Voronin isn't at the club , but like I said all in the past. We're bussom buddies now

And again cheers to anybody who does enjoy it and I must confess I had no intention of stoppin this. I'd be letting too many people down

good because you cant stop just because one person does'nt like it. their loss IMO.

keep up the good work fella

I am inclined to think that I would be your number one suspect. Let me go on record and say that it was not me this is quite funny. I have better things to do then to tamper with someone's ratings. Come on you are 7 years my junior and you called me a worthless waste of space and i still didnt give you a negative.

But ye keep up the good work i enjoy reading it when i get the chance to.

DLS, Keep up the great work mate...don't let one Knobhead wreck it for the rest of us.

Maybe the Mods can start a poll to see who WE think it is?

sh*t, I'm probably going to get a negative for this 

Exactly! One person disliking your work shouldn't ruin it for everyone else!

I'm sure a lot of great innovators out there had people who disliked their workings! Just go with what they did! F**k em!

Don't stop just because one faggot who hasn't got the balls to rain on our parade in topic gives you a minus with a comment.

F**k them.  We're enjoying it not that dickhead.

I am inclined to think that I would be your number one suspect. Let me go on record and say that it was not me this is quite funny. I have better things to do then to tamper with someone's ratings. Come on you are 7 years my junior and you called me a worthless waste of space and i still didnt give you a negative.

But ye keep up the good work i enjoy reading it when i get the chance to.

Lad don't worry I didn't think it was you. We've had our differences but you don't seem to be that pathetic. My number one suspect is someone who's name is also the title of a film about a fella who can't be seen.

And the next one will be done in a bit.

Lad don't worry I didn't think it was you. We've had our differences but you don't seem to be that pathetic. My number one suspect is someone who's name is also the title of a film about a fella who can't be seen.

And the next one will be done in a bit.

That's the spirit DLS! 

"not that pathetic" 

smart ass I should minus you for that 

As the school returned for the day, Mr Benitez organised a day of games ahead of the exam on Wednesday with Dutch opposition PSV.

Benitez:   "OK lads just split into two teams.

The class did as they were told.

Carragher:   "Ow did ye get on last night Pep?"

Reina:   "You expect me to kiss and tell?"

Carragher:   "I don't even expect you to kiss."

Reina:   "Expect the unexpected with me then. Where did you end up anyway?"

Carragher:   "We gate crashed Cilla Black's 90th birthdee."

Reina:   "Stevie go with you?"

Carragher:   "Aye lad he did. Ended up dancin' Cilla all night."

Reina:   "Change the subject, here's Nando."

Carragher:   "Alright Nando lad, what 'appened after we left?"

Torres:   "Mr Benitez was fuming."

Carragher:   "F**k 'im, he 'asn't said anythin today like."

Torres:   "He said all you were on detention today."

Carragher:   "Are we F**k. Eh Jay, we're on detention for gettin' off yesterday."

Spearing:   "As if lad."

Carragher:   "I know la."

Hyypia:   "Can we have Brains instead of Chubs for our left back."

Agger:   "Yeah, Chubs F**k off you greedy c**t."

Dossena:   "Who you talking to?"

Darby:   "You, ye fat c**t so F**k off."

Spearing:   "You've just been 'ad off there Chubs."

Insua:    "I am not overly bothered which side I play on, I just want to further my football education."

Spearing:   "Drop the act lad an' get over 'ere."

Insua and Dossena swapped sides.

Kuyt:   "Wherez dat Babel?"

Skrtel:   "I think...he's...uh...in the...toy..let."

Kuyt:   "Dat dawg is relentlez."

Skrtel:   "What does that mean?"

Alonso:   "I think what Dirk is trying to say Martin, is Ryan Babel never stops doing whatever it is he is doing it toilet."

Skrtel looked blankly."

Gerrard:   "Sorry for leaving you yesterday, I just needed to clear my head."

Torres:   "It's ok Stevie. Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Gerrard:   "I knew you'd understand."

Torres:   "Of course I do."

Gerrard:   "I'm so lucky to have you."

The two got lost in the other's eyes only to be interuppted by a bellowing Jamie Carragher.

Carragher:   "You soft c**t N'Frog."

N'Gog:   "Pardon monsieur."

Carragher:   "Don't speak Canadian to me."

Hyypia:   "It was French lad."

Carragher:   "French, Canadian, same thing."

N'Gog:   "Non."

Carragher:   "Piss off and learn scouse."

Riera:   "Si si, scouse."

Carragher:   "Yeah Uncle's got the right idea."

As the lesson progressed tensions rose between various members of the class.

Benayoun:   "No don't. I'll tell sir."

Darby:   "Tell 'im then you little grass. It'll be worth detention if I get the chance to do you in."

Benayoun:   "I didn't mean it."

Darby:   "Grow a pair of balls lad."

Darby ended up givng Benayoun a right hook which left him crying on the floor.

Hyypia:   "That was some shot that lad."

Arbeloa:   "That's the way uh uh I like it."

Plessis:   "I hate days like this. They just seem to drag on."

Spearing:   "Belt up Breidis and get the ball."

Plessis mumbled under his breath but went and got the ball none the less.

Carragher:   "What you got planned tonight Stevie?"

Gerrard:   "I'm going round to Nando's for a meal."

Carragher:   "What meal?"

Gerrard:   "I don't know yet, but he's cooking it."

Carragher:   "Good luck lad."

Gerrard:   "I think this could be the night."

Carragher:   "What a bar Cilla?"

Gerrard:   "I forgot about that. Don't tell Nando will ye?"

Carragher:   "Course not lad."

The game continued to flow despite one or two tensions continuing to flaring up.

Aurelio:   "What did you do that for Mascherano?

Mascherano just growled at Aurelio.

Aurelio:   "What have I done to you?"

Mascherano growled again.

Aurelio:   "Were you trying to break my leg."

Mascherano smiled and nodded.

Aurelio:   "Why?"

Carragher:   "Masch is obviously like us, he thinks you're sh*t Fab and doesn't want you playin'."

Aurelio:   "Do you ever have a sentance where you don't swear?"

Carragher:   "Yes. See?"

Insua:   "By the definition of a sentance, what you just said wasn't one James. A sentenance must involve a noun. Yours did not."

Aurelio:   "Didn't you know that Carra? Are you that thick?"

Carragher walked over to Aurelio and headbutted him.

Benitez:   "Right that's it. Everyone get changed and report back here within five minutes. Now move.

The class quickly changed and were back out on the field for Mr Benitez' ending speech.

Benitez:   "I am disappointed that there's been two injuries, but since I failed to see either incident I can't say who is to blame or who is the innocent party. Don't forget to be here early tomorrow morning though.

The class said their goodbyes and made their way home.

the title of a film about a fella who can't be seen.

What?  The Elephant Man?   

And the next one will be done in a bit.

Good lad.

I think there's gonna be trouble for the loved up couple ?