Liverpool Football School

Superb. Now I remember why I stay up so late

 
10/10 Billy boy keep them coming

I f'en love these!!! DLS - you should really be a novelist - you'd be a millionaire... you're engaging and funny... and I wish the part about Xabi splitting his side happened

he he he Good work xo

 


Great stuff DLS mate.....another + on it's way mate.

Hahaha..... really funnny DLS .....I hope Alberto likes his new nick name !

  Brilliant DLS

Spurs Or Stoke?

After a disgraceful performance in London, Mr Benitez gave the boys the option to discuss their shortcomings against Spurs or to look forward to the thrashing of Stoke City's Football School.

Benitez: "So will it be lads?"

Carragher: "This club never looks back. It's always been done that, move on."

Spearing: "Is right Carra lad, lets look a'ead not back."

Benitez: "So how do you boys suggest we improve."

Carragher: "By f***in' Babel off for starters."

Spearing: "And startin' me obviously."

Benitez: "I'll give both some thought."

Kuyt: "Yo Carra ma man, whyz you dizrezpectingz ma blood."

Carragher: "Come again Curley."

Darby: "I think 'e wants to know why you're 'avin' a go at Ry."

Kuyt: "See Ste D underztandz it."

Carragher: "Curley you don't even understand it."

Ngog: "Don't patronise him you lower middle class yobo."

Carragher: "Nfrog, belt up. Now."

Insua: "Sorry to interupt here, but Carra is quite correct. The worst performer on the pitch against Spurs was Ryan Babel and considering we had Voronin and Lucas on that pitch is some achievement."

Kuyt: "See ma boy Brainz underztands ma blood Babel was good."

Insua: "No Curley, he was dreadful."

Spearing: "'ang on lads, we're meant to be talkin' about Stoke tomorrow."

Agger: "Jay's right."

Reina: "Babel's a lefty apparently."

Johnson: "Why don't you just leave Ryan out of this."

Reina: "I wish the boss had done that on Sunday."

Johnson: "You working class just can't help yourselves can you. Always have to belittle those above you."

Kuyt: "Iz rightz Gangzta Glen."

Spearing: "Forget Babel, and lets just get on with 'ow we're gonna beat Stoke."

Agger: "What do you suggest then Jay."

Spearing: "I suggest we sod one of the 'oldin' midfielders off. Go straight out for the win. If that means Krissy or Checs playin' then so be it. We gotta win."

Lucas: "You can't drop me."

Spearing: "We can and probably will."

Lucas: "But I'm the Kop's hero."

Darby: "Even 'ero's 'ave a break though Lukey. Look at Batman, 'e 'as a break every now and then."

Reina: "Usually when Catwoman is around."

A deafening scream from Ryan Babel in the toilets can be heard as he turns to Halle Berry dressed as Catwoman.

Reina: "Not quite Batman, more Babman."

Aurelio: "What's a "bab" then Pepe?"

Carragher: "'e was a sh*t defender for Liverpool a few years back."

Reina: "It's also a word for a wo...Actually scrap that, if Babel is in ear shot he'll go into a frenzy if I say that."

A few of the lads started laughing while the rest looked totally confused.

Kelly: "Are you fit for Stoke Marty?"

Skrtel: "Erm...my leg has fallen off."

Carragher: "'e's ready."

Spearing: "Looks like you're sittin' this one out an' all MK."

Kelly: "Ah that's no bother. Give me a chance to play Texas Chainsaw Masacre 2010."

Darby: "Sound, is it out?"

Kelly: "Yeah lad, Krissy got it sent over from America."

Ayala: "Is it good Kris?"

Nemeth: "Yeah Scouse mate, quality. I'm getting GTA: Pluto sent out later this month as well."

Spearing: "Bags first on GTA."

Pacheco: "You're lucky to have all this money Krissy."

Darby: "I suppose 'is dad bein' the biggest drug dealer in Hungry had somethin' to do with 'im 'avin' all this money."

Pacheco: "Maybe."

Spearing: "Can ya twos up on Chainsaw Masacre?"

Nemeth: "Only when you've completed the game."

Spearing: "What do you have to do like?"

Nemeth: "Well you start off in a Texan jail and you've gotta dig a tunnel to get out. But a guard catches you with the razor blade and you've gotta kill him with it. That's how it begins."

Darby: "'ow does it end like?"

Nemeth: "Depending on which path you take. You can either rule America or England, so you have to kill either Barack or Brown."

Kelly: "An' if ya 'ooked up to the internet on ya PSP or XBOX you get to make rules for whichever country ya rule."

As Nemeth loaded up his "Everybody must drive 100mph" game on Texas Chainsaw Masacre 2010, the more mature lads discussed the up coming Stoke game.

Carragher: "Stevie we need more from ya tomorrow ya know lad."

Gerrard: "Don't worry Carra, I'll be sound against Stoke."

Carragher: "And you Nando."

Torres: "Me and Stevie will be both ok."

Carragher: "Good lads."

Riera: "Si si."

Carragher: "If you play Unc, you're gonna give it 100% right."

Riera: "Si si."

Carragher: "Oh and Chubs if you play, no f***in' eatin' the fans pie."

Dossena: "I like pie."

Carragher: "So do the fans, so leave them alone."

Dossena: "I like pie."

Aurelio: "Where's Docko?"

Agger: "It's more like F***ing Crocko isn't it?"

Reina: "Nah that's Degen."

Aurelio: "Has anybody told Masch to step up his game."

Agger: "He was growling to himself on Sunday so I think he knows."

Mascherano was shaking his head and growling in the corner underneath the sign of "Do not feed the Animals".

Kuyt: "Yo Fabz, don't talkz to dem."

Johnson: "Yeah Fabz, you're our fambo."

Reina: "Fambo Aurelio?"

Carragher: "Can't see it catchin' on to be 'onest lads."

Kuyt: "You lotz ain't gangzta so you'll never getz it."

Reina: "Funny that, I got it off your bird last night."

Carragher: "And I got it first thing thing this morning."

Agger: "And I got it just before School opened."

Reina: "And Rafa is getting it now."

There was the awkwardness of sickening thought yet very funny at the same time when Reina made this comment.

Carragher: "'ere's the boss now."

Mr Benitez came into the room all sweaty and trying to button up his shirt. On seeing this, Kuyt sprinted out of the classroom.

Benitez: "He's in a hurry. So have we decided how to beat Stoke yet?"

Reina: "Score more goals then them."

Benitez: "And how do you suggest we do this?"

Reina: "By putting the ball in their net more times than they put it in ours."

Carragher: "I think that's what Curley has just sprinted off to check."

Benitez: "How do you mean James?"

Carragher: "Well I think he's gone to check that the net isn't more open to the oppenents than the home side."

Mr Benitez tried to understand but clearly didn't so allowed the lads to go home early. Something Dirk Kuyt had already done, only to find one of Rafa's watches on Mrs Kuyt's bedside table.

good read ....very funny AGAIN . Great story DLS ! 

babman ahahah, great job.

BUMP!

very good 

Quality dls 

What's The Time Mr Kuyt?

Well after being left out of the game with Leeds' School, Dirk Kuyt bought himself a new Rolex watch.

Benitez: "So have you all rested since the midweek game?"

Spearing: "Aye boss."

Reina: "Jay was man of the match wasn't he sir?"

Benitez: "He did play with real quality and gave us a lot of options."

Kuyt: "I tort ma main man Glen didz well."

Carragher: "No one else did so shut up and get back to your watch."

Kuyt: "Youz iz jealouz of ma watch."

Darby: "It's a rip off lad."

Johnson: "Leavez it alone. It'z a nice watch."

Spearing: "Yeah it's nice, but still fake."

Aurelio: "How is it fake?"

Spearing: "Well 'ow many watches 'ave you seen called Lokex?"

Kelly: "Probably bought it off Tommy down in Eggy"

Darby: "He's a pr**k 'im."

Kelly: "Tommy or Curley."

Spearing: "Both lad."

Kuyt: "If youz muzt knowz, I boughtz thiz of Robbie Keane."

Carragher: "So what is the time Mr Kuyt?"

Kuyt remained silent.

Spearing: "What's the time Mr Kuyt?"

Kuyt still refused to answer.

All: "What's the time Mr Kuyt?"

Still no answer from him.

Carragher: "Go an' 'ave a look Checs."

Pacheco: "It says, 14th of October."

The entire back row fell apart laughing.

Agger: "Tommy's had you off there Curley."

Reina: "That's nothing compared to what Tommy did to Mrs Kuyt."

Ayala: "She's alright her though."

Pacheco: "I'd go along with that."

Carragher: "Yeah but you two fancy anythin' with a pair of tits."

Reina: "Must be head over heels in love with Everton then."

Aurelio: "Do you have to be so crude?"

Carragher: "Yes."

Aurelio: "Why?"

Carragher: "Because Scousers' have about as subtle as an air raid."

Spearing: "A British air raid of course, the Krauts didn't do 'alf as much damage as ours."

Aquilani: "Noto trueo Spearingo."

Spearing: "Belt up Docko lad, you lot jump ship more often than a stowaway."

Aquilani: "Howo dareo youo?"

Darby: "Not every word ends in O you know lad."

Kuyt: "Whatz a surprize, Titch mouthz off and Darby jumpz in."

Darby: "And Curley pisses off, and Mrs Kuyt jumps in bed with the nearest bloke."

Kuyt squared up with Darby, but soon fell back down when Darby planted a right hook on him.

Aurelio: "Why are you lot so violent?"

Carragher: "Fucks sake, because Scousers' are as subtle as an air raid."

Spearing: "An' we cause as much damage as one an' all."

Darby: "Yeah nobody messes with the Scousers."

Kelly: "Especially not sot some Dutch wannabe gangster."

Darby: "Or that fat c**t in the corner."

They all turned to see Dossena helping himself to Kuyt's dinner while the Dutchman was flat out.

Kelly: "Reckon we nick 'is watch?"

Carragher: "An' sell it down Bold Street tomorrow."

Kelly: "Yeah lad, one of the 'omeless'll buy it."

Spearing: "Spud 'angs round there now, sell it to 'im."

Spearing lifted the watch from Kuyt's wrist and they awaited for him to come round. While they waited Andrea Dossena continued eating, Ryan Babel continued making strange noises from the toilets while Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres sat there hand in hand, holding each others watches.

Kelly: "'es comin' round."

As Dirk Kuyt stood up, Carragher waved his arm signalling all the class to shout.

All: "What's the time Mr Kuyt?"

Benitez: "Home time."

Despite the class laughing at their childish prank, they did all hear Mr Benitez and left for home. Although Carragher, Darby, Spearing and Kelly all went down to Bold Street to find somebody who'd buy Kuyt's watch.

Funny stuff dls 

their heeps good dls, how come u stoped?

their heeps good dls, how come u stoped?

I haven't stopped, just been doing them at indifferent times rather than weekly.

Weekend Lash Before Monday's Match

With a trip to Wigan Athletic Football School on Monday, the boys decided to go out for a night on the town. It's alright for some in it?

Benitez: "Right lads I want to be in Wigan by 7 tomorrow morning, so don't get too wasted tonight because I won't be waiting for you."

Carragher: "It's alright boss, a few of us goin' up to Wigan tonight. So we'll meet ya there."

Aurelio: "Why are you going to Wigan Carra?"

Carragher: "Cos it saves us 'avin' to find our way there tomorrow lad. We can just get pissed tonight an then we're already there."

Spearing: "It's f***in' sh*te in Wigan though Carra lad, be better goin' to Speke than Wigan."

Agger: "Well you go to Speke Jay, we're all going to Wigan."

Spearing: "Don't start gettin' lippy Dan. Up until last year you thought Speke was called John Lennon."

Agger: "Stop trying to act the big man Jay, it doesn't suit you."

Darby: "Both of ya stop arguin' for fucks sake. We're goin' for a good arl fashioned piss up. So grab ya dough cos we're buyin' a round each."

Carragher: "Bubble, you comin'?"

Kyrgiakos: "Yes please thank you."

Aurelio: "Why do you call him Bubble?"

Darby: "Bubble an' squeak - Greek."

Carragher: "I reckon we need a squeak."

Kelly: "That's gotta be you Jay."

Spearing: "Ah I don't mind lad, at least I've got a nickname now."

Reina: "It's about the only new name you will get tonight Squeak."

Spearing: "I f***in' hope so. You seen the kip of the birds in Wigan?"

Skrtel: "Why...don't the...birds...have...win gs in...Wigan?"

Spearing: "Nah Marty mate, more muzzles and tails."

Reina: "And a couple considered too life like for 101 dalmatians."

Carragher: "Oh leave it lads, we're goin' for the ale not the birds."

Darby: "That's all good an' well Carra mate but even the ale is a bit rough in Wigan."

Reina: "Why do you think the girls where those muzzles."

Carragher: "Oh well F**k youse then, I'll go on me own if I 'ave to."

Carragher storms down the road and flags a taxi to take him to Lime Street. Feeling guilty the rest of the lads jumped in another taxi although they pushed Aurelio out and left him standing on his todd. Meanwhile some of the other lads where in Liverpool's City Centre.

Kuyt: "Diz iz da life in it boyz. No workz on a weekend. I couldz get uzed to dis man."

Johnson: "Is right Dutch Diddy."

Kuyt: "Howz ya leg homeboy?"

Johnson: "Itz on da mend bro, on da mend."

Aquilani: "I've been injured you knowo"

Riera: "Si si."

Aquilani: "I too am on the mendo."

Kuyt: "Datz good dat iz Docko."

Riera : "Si si."

Aquilani: "Thank you Curleyo. It means a lot to me to know I have the support of my team mateso."

Kuyt: "Youze have our supportz in dat right G."

Johnson: "Too right Diddy bro."

Pacheco: "I wish I'd gone to Wigan now."

Kuyt: "Well whyz didn't you den Checs."

Pacheco: "I don't look old enough to get in the clubs."

Kuyt: "You gotz in here didn't you. Whatz da difference blood?"

Pacheco: "This is Sayers."

Johnson: "He doez have a pointz Diddy."

Kuyt: "He doez G, he doez."

Aquilani: "The food is quite nice here though but not up to Italian standard is ito."

Lucas: "I can cook better than in here."

Sayers Girl: "Well become a F***ing cook then you soft F***ing c**t cos you can't F***ing play football you tit."

As the girl continues ranting in her scally Scouse accent, one of her 20 necklaces dips into the chocolate fountain shortly followed by a dollop of fake tan off her arm.

Insua: "Excuse me Miss."

Sayers Girl: "What?"

Insua: "The amount of fake tan you have on that body of yours, and now in the chocolate fountain, can be extremely dangerous for your health and now quite possibly ours.

The Sayers Girl looked confused by Insua's sentence. Probably due to the fact that it didn't contain a single swear word.

Sayers Girl: "Do you think you're F***ing clever do you?"

Insua: "Well yes, but that's beside the point. My intelligence isn't in question here but both of us may be seeking health advice should you continue wearing that tan and should it continue falling into the food that I had planned on eating."

Sayers Girl: "Well if you don't F***ing like it, don't F***ing eat it soft lad. It's not F***ing rocket science is it?"

Insua: "Nor is it healthy."

Kuyt: "Just leavez it Brainz lad. Like she said, don'tz eatz it if you don'tz likez it."

Sayers Girl: "She has a F***ing name you ginger c**t."

Kuyt: "Sorry baby girl, whatz your name?"

Sayers Girl: "It's Paris."

Insua: "So is the capital of France."

Sayers Girl: "So F***ing what like."

Insua: "I was just saying."

Sayers Girl: "Well don't. Or I'll come over there and slap you one."

Kuyt: "I likez her style."

Johnson: "Me to bro."

Insua: "Well I don't, I think I'll go to Subway instead. See you lads in a bit."

Insua left Sayers and headed off for the nearest Subway. Pacheco, Aquilani and Riera soon follow suit. As they walked up the road they saw Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres having a nice meal for two in this fancy little restraunt.

Gerrard: "This seems ok doesn't it Nando."

Torres: "Yeah Stevie it does."

Gerrard: "It's not too loud and it's quite cheap."

Torres: "Oh I'm only worth a cheap restraunt am I?"

Gerrard: "Of course not and please lets not argue tonight Nando. Just for once lets have a quiet peaceful night."

Torres: "Ok I'm sorry. Just don't antagonise me."

Gerrard: "I'll do my best."

Torres: "I should hope so."

Waiter: "Would you like to order sir?"

Gerrard: "I'll have the sweetcorn soup to start and then steak and chips."

Waiter: "Certainly sir, how would you like your steak?"

Gerrard: "Well done if you don't mind."

Waiter: "Of course not sir. And for you sir?"

Torres: "Oh I'll have the tomato soup to start followed by the fish and boiled potatoes please."

Waiter: "What fish would you like?"

Torres: "A dead one."

Waiter: "Very amusing sir, but would you like cod, haddock, plaice or trout?"

Torres: "Plaice."

Waiter: "Thank you sir. Would you like another bottle of wine?"

Torres: "No we've promised we won't whine tonight."

Waiter: "How about some beer then?"

Torres: "No thank you."

Gerrard: "No, we'll just wait for the food if that's ok."

The waiter nods and allows Gerrard and Torres to continue their conversations. The topics of which they discussed varied from politics to football to music to the restraunt itself. Once the food arrived however, they were too busy feeding each other to talk.

The lads who'd decided on a trip to Wigan had arrived there by now.

Reina: "Masch would of felt at home here."

Carragher: "Well 'e isn't 'ere so lets just enjoy it eh?"

Spearing: "Yeah come on lads, we're 'ere now so let 'ave a good night."

Darby: "Alright, where to first?"

Reina: "Back home gets my vote."

Carragher: "f***in' go then lad."

Darby: "You alright Carra, you've been snappy all f***in' night."

Spearing: "Yeah why 'ave ya been so eager to get 'ere?"

Kelly: "Probably got somethin' on 'aven't ya lad."

Carragher: "Don't start givin' me any cheek cos you three ain't even earned that right yet."

Darby: "Calm down lad, we just wanna know what's up with ya."

Agger: "Leave him alone, he just wants a good night."

Spearing: "'ere?"

Agger: "Yes here."

Spearing: "Bollocks. 'e's got some other reason for bein' 'ere 'im."

Carragher: "Yeah I 'ave Squeak."

Spearing: "Go 'ed then, tell us."

Carragher: "I'm leavin' 'ome and there's a place up 'ere for grabs. I'm gonna 'ave a mooch at it while we're 'ere like."

Darby: "What the F**k are you movin' for soft lad?"

Carragher: "It's the boss, 'e doesn't want me anymore. What with Bubble, Dagger, Marty an' MK. I'm not needed so he's chuckin' me out."

Spearing: "Come off it mate, you're goin' nowhere."

Carragher: "Nah it's straight Squeak, 'e's told me."

Kelly: "I suppose Curley 'as 'ad 'is in put on it."

Spearing: "'asn't our Sam said anythin'?"

Carragher: "'e tried but Sir weren't havin' any of it."

Darby: "F**k 'im lad. Right if you are movin' it won't be for a couple of months anyway so I say tonight we 'ave a proper good piss up for Carra.

The lads agreed and off they went to the nearest club. As expected there was a couple of muzzles, tails and a whole lot of barking but the lads managed to get past the Manchester Bingo party and onto the dancefloor.

Back home in Liverpool Insua, Aquilani, Riera and Pacheco had finished their Subway and headed off for a club of their own only to walk past an alleyway to find Paris, Kuyt and Johnson having, well this a family thread so I can't say - only insinuate. I can however confirm Paris was still swearing and her fake tan, as well as other things, was coming off her body at a much quicker rate than back in workplace.

As night time passed and dawn broke the lads staggered to the coach where Mr Benitez was waiting for them.

Benitez: "Have a good night last night Yossi?"

Benayoun: "Yes sir, definately sir. I stayed in and watched the television sir."

Benitez: "All night?"

Benayoun: "Yes sir, certainly sir. All night sir."

Benitez: "What did you do Dirk?"

Kuyt: "I can't rememberz Sir. I wokez up with sauzagerollz down ma jeanz doh so I tinkz it'z waz good. Waz it G?"

Johnson: "I tinkz so bro, doh my mind ain'tz up to tinking to much. You dig?"

Kuyt: "Yeah G man, i digz ya."

Benitez: "Well that sounds like an eventful night, anybody know how the others got on in Wigan?"

Pacheco: "Jay text me last night Sir."

Benitez: "Oh Daniel, what did it say?"

Pacheco: "It said sir, that he won best of show. I'm not sure what he meant by that."

Benitez: "You'll have to ask him later. Right now come along, all on the bus we've got to get to Wigan."

And off they went to Wigan. If you wish to see the ending of this show tune into ESPN tomorrow night.

Been hoping we hadn't seen the last of this thread great work DLS.

I am new here and this is the first time reading this thread.i think u really put up a lot of effort in creating this stories.

Appreciate it and thanks for cheering up a fellow red.

Nice to have school back, DLS...top stuff mate.

Very clever

Nice one DLS.

DLS, you reckon you do another? The scene is set for another installment with the road trip to Spain via France. No pressure