Notice: As I got no feed back saying I shouldn't do it, I thought I'd go on and do it anyway but to anybody who does take offence please do me a favour and PM me telling me you took offence to it so I know not to bother reading your posts in future because you're what I'd consider pathetic. This is simply a joke and a laugh, not to be taken seriously.
One more thing, if I don't use you in the school it means I've either forgot you or don't acutally know you in the first place or simply can't find a place for you at the moment.
Just to reitertate though, this is a joke. Any characteristic I might give you is a joke as I don't know what any one of you are like as a person. So I'm in fact begging you not to take offence to something so silly.
Thank you.
The new school for Liverpool Football School's fans to attend and interact with one another opened this evening with headmaster JD welcoming the new batch.
JD: "Welcome to all of you for a brand new term here at LFCReds school. The teachers are here to the left of me. Mr Kenny who will be taking cookery. Mrs Smigger who'll be taking mathamatics. Mr Court the PE teacher. Mr Ayrton who takes languages. Mr Tommo who is our English teacher. Mr Venison is the art teacher. Mr County will be the science teacher and I will be taking a few lessons myself in the tech block. Both infomation technology and design technology will be under the watchful eye of me. There will also be the prefects of Magillionaire and Reslivo. These two will come round at the end of every day handing out apples and milk. Obviously they will come at a price. Apples fifteen pence and milk ten pence. Now please go to your first lesson which should be French with Mr Ayrton."
The class left the assembly hall and found their way to room 77 where Mr Ayrton was getting ready for the first class of the new term.
aw1: "Eh Bill, what's a prefect?"
DLS: "Means they're suck ups mate. Ye know, help out for taps on the head kinda thing."
aw1: "How do you become one?"
DLS: "Haven't the faintest, try writing a few poems or somethin' like that. Can't hurt can it?"
aw1: "Guess not. You any good at french?"
DLS: "The furthest I go in french is bonjour. After that it's like talkin' a different language mate."
aw1: "I'm not too bad at french. Kissing that is, and I've already got my eye on that girl."
DLS: "Which one?"
aw1: "The one nearest the door."
DLS: "OI YOU THERE, NEAR THE DOOR, THIS LAD FANCIES YE, YE KNOW"
MsG turns round in disgust.
aw1: "You soft b***ard."
DLS is laughing on the floor.
aw1: "I'm sorry about that girl. He doesn't know what manners are.
MsG: "That's OK."
Glenbuck: "What ye talking to my girl for lad?"
aw1: "I was just appologising for someone else that's all."
Glenbuck: "Well you've appologised now, so you can go."
MsG: "Glen leave it. It's all right."
The class entered the class with aw1 and DLS still joking around.
Ayrton: "You two silence. This is a french lesson and only french will be spoken in here. Understand?"
DLS: "Wan't that english you just spoke?"
Ayrton: "Oh the smart arse. Well you can start. How do you say "my name is John" in french?
DLS in a french accent Ma name is le John
Ayrton: "Surprisingly that is wrong."
DLS: "Ah well, me name's Billy anyway, not John.
aw1 and DLS start laughing again.
Ayrton: "OK you next to him, I want you to say in french "my name is John."
aw1: "In french my name is John, but in English my name is aw1."
The two class clowns began laughing again while Mr Ayrton was frowning.
Ayrton: "Can anybody translate into french "my name is John"
7kk7: "I can, sir."
Ayrton: "OK go ahead."
7kk7: "Je m'appelle John"
Ayrton: "Finally someone with a brain."
DLS: "I've got a question."
Ayrton: "What is it?"
DLS: "What 'appened to speakin' only in french?"
Ayrton: "That's it. Get outside. You're not wanted in my lessons anymore. Out.
DLS walked out and decided to go home.
Ayrton: "Anybody else want to make smart comments? Right we may be able to learn some french then. Get out your books and copy down the days of the week off the board.
The class did as they were told, all fearing facing Mr Ayrton's razor sharp tongue again.
The bell signalled the end of the lesson and off the kids went to the next lesson which was cookery.
RedKenny: "All right class, settle down. This is cookery. Now how many of you can cook?"
Hands started be raised all over the class room.
RedKenny: "That's good because I can't."
The class broke out in laughter.
RedKenny: "Now I need somebody who can make a bacon sarny. Anybody?"
paulrobbo stood up.
RedKenny: "Now what's your name son?"
paulrobbo: "Paul sir."
RedKenny: "Well Paul sir Mr Kenny looked and waited for the laugh off the class which he duly got I'd like you to make me a bacon sarny. Go ahead, the whole class is watching.
paulrobbo got straight into it and made the bacon sarny for Mr Kenny.
paulrobbo: "Here you go sir."
RedKenny: "Oh ta. Now I want the rest of you to write down fifteen healty and fifteen unhealthy foods while I enjoy me sarny."
The class laughed again while getting on with the task they'd be set.
RedKenny: OK, time's up. Who wants to read their fifteen healthy foods?"
Ra Ra Rafa: "I will sir."
aw1: "Suck up."
RedKenny: "No suck ups aren't healthy but go ahead anyway Ra Ra."
Ra Ra Rafa: "Oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, plums, dates, limes, grapefruits, blackberries, tomatoes, patatoes, carrotts, cabbage, leeks, onions and runner beans."
RedKenny: "Very good son, but I asked for fifteen not sixteen. I think you need Mrs Smigger's maths class. Fortunately that's next. Now who wants their fifteen bad foods?"
LFC Viking: "I will sir."
RedKenny: "Jolly good because otherwise I'd have to do the work."
The class began laughing again.
LFC Viking: "Pizza, sausages, chips, burgers, bacon, fried eggs, chocolate, crisp, too much cheese, uncooked meat, uncooked fish, sugar, salt, food that's off, too much bread and curry."
RedKenny: "Well the truth is no food is good or bad for you. It's just in what quanity you eat it. If you eat too much veg it's bad for you. You do need that fat in you. But if you eat too many chips then that's bad for you. Just make sure it's balanced. Right that'll do for today class, head off to maths."
The class left the kitchen and headed towards room 15 for maths.
Smiggs: "My name is Mrs Smigger and that's what you will adress me as. Otherwise we'll fall out and you'll be up in front of the headmaster. So lets get the ground rules set from the start. I don't mind if you want to joke around but when it's time for work, we work. Now I don't know how much you know, so we'll start from scratch. Who can tell me two times eight is? You."
Graham135UK: "Me?"
Smiggs: "Yes you. Two times eight, come on."
Graham135UK: "It's 16."
Smiggs: "It certainly is. Next, what's four times nine? You."
Semple: "36."
Smiggs: "Correct. Looks like I've got a clever bunch on my hands. OK you, what's eighteen plus eighteen?"
mcarz: "Erm, I don't know miss."
Smiggs: "Obviously not as bright as I thought. Anyone help him out?"
Swinton: "It's 36."
Smiggs: "Well done. OK that was the quick fire section. Now it's time to answer the questions on the board."
The class got on with the work, while the odd mubmbling went around. Once the bell had rang Mrs Smigger let the class go for dinner.
Dinnerlady: "OK everyone get in line. The prices are on the board. Have your money ready or get out the line. Christ sake lad, you got enough there."
King Kenny: "Yes thank you"
Dinnerlady: "OK four pie dinners and a bottle of coke, that's £6.50 please. Next?"
Reslivo: "Just the sausage sandwich please."
Dinnerlady: "£1 please. Next."
The class continued to come and get their dinner.
Meanwhile in the staff room the teachers were talking about the new class.
Ayrton: "That Billy Dunlop-Liddell-Shankly kid was doing my head in. What person has a triple barron surname anyway? I sent him outside, but apparently he just went home. Apparently he went to write this thing called "Liverpool Football School" what a stupid idea.
JD: "He's a very talented lad by all accounts. Just goes about things in the wrong way.
RedKenny: "I just had the kids laughing. They all love me."
Venison: "I've got them next for art. Any of the brats good artists?"
Smiggs: "If their maths is anything to go by then yes."
Venison: "I do hope so. Do you remember the last batch? God that Sami Hyypia was hard work."
Court: "I've got them last for games. We're doing football as usual. Should be good fun."
County_Rd: "Mixed?"
Court: "No of course not. It'll be girls against girls and boys against boys. Don't want any of the lads getting hurt do we."
The class returned for afternoon registration with Mr JD.
JD: "I see someone has gone home early. Not to worry. He won't be returning. He'll have to stay at home and not recieve a proper education like the rest of you. Shame really. OK off you go to art."
The class broke for art class where Mr Venison was waiting in room 86.
Venison: "Settle down. Our first art lesson is going to be simple. You draw whatever you want. OK? Go."
The class began drawing franticly but as the lesson came to a close everyone was gathered round LauraMc as her drawing of the Statue of Liberty had everyone amazed.
The class ended with Laura recieving a gold star and the rest going to play sports.
As the sports lesson finished, Reslivo and Magillionaire brought round the milk and apples, only to be met by a lot of pointing and laughing.
Mr JD had a few things to say before he allowed the class to go home.
JD: "Well it's been an interesting first day, and I hope there's many more to come. All the teachers have been impressed with the intellegence you've shown and the politeness you've got. So don't forget to be back here same time tomorrow. Or there'll be a few more of you on the same bus as DLS. OK good night class, mind how you go."
With those words the class all went their different ways to their different homes.
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