Remember the old Lucas account? Found a stitched up version of the trip to Madrid back in 2010.
Back in 2010 when the Icelandic volcanic ash cloud covered most of Western Europe, Liverpool were forced to drive to Madrid for their Europa League semi-final. A fake Lucas Leiva account sent out live tweets detailing the road trip.
This is going to be a long journey. Maybe I'll just sit in the toilet. If I get really desperate though there’s a seat next to Kyrgiakos.
Screw that, Soto has an industrial sized tub of Houmous. And no bread. Or spoon. It’s like a drink to him. He's a monster.
I lent on Soto’s chair by accident. Big mistake. Apparently I’ve 'compromised Olympus'. He's now spouting poetry in Greek with his eyes shut.
Jamie just shouted "This isn't fúcking musical chairs Lucas". I don't get it. I think he's still angry at me for nutmegging him in training.
Ryan’s sat by Nabil and so the chair next to Javier is empty. This is my chance. The fans seem to hate this - me 'sitting' next to Mascherano.
Dirks saying he 'bagsy’d' the seat next to Rafa. Rafa says he is a respecter of the bagsy system and so I'm going to have to sit by El Zhar.
Big moment for me this, game of noughts and crosses with Dirk. Rafa has set it up. I see the winner of this gaining the seat next to him.
Dirk calls it 'Zeroesh and Oesh'. He hasn't a clue. Luckily I've got first go, I'm shaking, but I know where my cross is going.
I won. But Rafa didn’t offer me the seat. A moral victory to Lucas though, Dirk keeps punching himself in the arm muttering 'sorry boss'.
Pepe : "That’s not volcanic ash, its the dust off Lucas's durex". I don't get it, but Dirks laughing his head off.
That was the last straw. Dirk pointing and repeating 'He’s a fairy, he’s a fairy without the wings'. I lunged for him. Sammy Lee held me back.
I lost control, I’m ashamed. Me & Dirk aren’t friends but I musn’t forget who I am. I am Lucas Pezzini Leiva. Brazilian Player of the Year 2006 "
All settled down. Pacheco practicing his times tables, Babel penning some lyrics, Yossi crying, Jamie called him "Gary Neville with AIDS".
Gone to sit next to Kyrgiakos, Nabil has lost the plot. Don't give that boy sugar. Soto is banging on about being an ancestor of Zeus again.
People keep telling me that the shorter my hairs got, the better I’ve become. I'll be like Zidane soon.
Kyrgiakos now sitting with the driver. Telling him that he's ‘A carnivore, plain and simple. Only the weak and women eat anything green’.
"Jamie did a few prank calls on Phil Neville. Just repeatedly saying 'Ya shÃt ya shÃt lad'. We played the Rizla game - I got Kasey Keller."
Aquilani and Degen have made a 'den' at the back of the coach out of sleeping bags. Sign on the front of it saying 'No Physios Allowed'.
Aquilani has hurt himself in the den. Typical. He can't move to get out and because of the sign, none of our physios can go in. Real dilemma.
It’s a papercut. He's out of Thursdays match. Looks like I'll be playing again. At least I'm not travelling all this way for nothing.
Plessis been in the bog for 45 mins. Apparently he took N'Gogs Nuts magazine in with him. Must be better at wánking than he is at football.
Got a Galaxy Ripple & a Solero. Ate the Ripple 1st, stupidly. Soto is now saying that anything I lick he has to then lick - Greek tradition.
I'm starting. Rafa let me know by winking at me. Alberto tried to trip me up on the way out. We don't see eye to eye. His eyes do though.
Rafa : 'Whatever happens this summer, Lucas, we'll make sure we're at the same club". Music to my ears, so this is what love songs are about.
Dirks been giving Rafa wine. I can tell when he’s drunk because he stares at me disappointingly saying he wishes he'd got a receipt for me.
Carra and Stevie sharing headphones listening to some loud Scouse House. Rafa is really drunk now.
"Where's the receipt Lucas? You must have it. There must have been one. Where's the receipt?" These words will haunt my dreams.
Rafa is asleep on Sammy's shoulder. Carra is at the front with Gerrard and Mascherano, they have some clippers, and Dirk has told me they are "ssssssssshaving sseee boooses goatee off", should I let them or wake Rafa??
Few ppl in their pyjamas now. Either NGog has a baseball bat down there or he’s one blessed, blessed boy. Jesús Christi it’s like another arm!
Off to try and get some sleep now. Nabil 'n Babel still rapping in Dutch and French together. Kyrgiakos sleeping standing up, fists clenched.
El Zhar is also still up. Saw him drink a 3 litre bottle of Cherry Coke before so he'll be up till dawn....He's gone insane, too much sugar. He's shouting at Rafa saying 'Why am I even here? Please tell me why?!' with tears pouring down his face.
Sorry guys, had no connection. Few updates, was woken up very early this morning (6am) - by Kyrgiakos blowing his medieval horn.
He blew it, thrice, and shouted "and so signals the start of a new day", looked to the floor and bowed.
Carra threw his shoe at him & screeched "what fúckin' time do you call this you Greek tÃt" Didn’t seem to affect Soto, I think he’s in a trance.
Rafa was really hungover. Good job my mum packed the Calprofen, he called me a 'life saver'. I am Weak. At. The. Knees.
He's singing 'Qué Sera' with his arm round my neck. This is just like I imagined it. Dirk is watching on enviously. 1-0 to Leiva.
Someones clogged the toilet up. Rafa has a guilty look. Must have been his beer poo earlier on. Stevie says he saw Dirk sniffing the seat.
Toilets humming. Sammy was about to use the air freshener, Soto stopped him - 'It is a pure and manly smell that must not be tampered with'.
It's so hot because Kyrgiakos has turned the heating up to full. When questioned about it he replies with only: "This is a man's world".
He’s truly lost it now. He’s in the toilet frantically cutting his own hair, muttering 'survival of the fittest'. N'Gog trying to stop him.
Brighter note, Pepe brought Uno. Jamie getting really competitive. He’s already hit Plessis & he wasn’t even playing. He was 'putting him off'.
Settled down now. Stevie is watching Steven Gerrard : Centurion on DVD, Aquilani’s finger is in plaster, Rafa trying to beat himself at chess.
Stopped off for lunch at a Michelin Star French restaurant. Jamie & Stevie had egg & chips. Agger had to eat standing up, his backs gone again.
Pepe refusing to speak Spanish to the locals. Telling everyone he was born in Liverpool & has lived round the corner from Jamie’s all his life.
Jamie and Stevie backing him up. They seem to have redefined his past. 'His da worked on the docks and his ma was a nurse in the Royal'.
Rafa's shoes need to go to the local cobblers. Pushed past Insua to grab them. Dirk ran, dived and got ‘em. Doesn’t have that pace on the pitch.
1 & a half hour journey. Aquilani decided to stand up for the whole duration of the way back. He can’t face another 90 minutes sitting down.
Got a text from Stevie! So pleased! I think I’m winning him over. He wants the squad to go out for a drink to help him forget about something.
Don’t know what it is but another text just said, "She said she was 21 and on the pill" 14 times in a row. Wonder what this is all about.
Don’t think Stevie knows Ayala’s name. Just calling him Beavis. Soto standing dead still in the middle of the dance floor with his top off.