As I walked home tonight, I took a detour, that took me to a bridge that's high above a river. My thoughts weren't good, the action was never a real option, but I stood there, in the dark and cold, with suicidal thoughts running through my head. I was, no, I am in pain. Half my life, the last 20 years, every day, not one pain free day. Some better days, but not pain free.
The back injury caused other issues. My, and I apologise if this is to graphic, erections became a hit and miss affair, this led to me pushing people away, by being an arsehole to people or just ignoring them. I binge eat to this day, my weight helps keep others away. I grew to hate myself. I had a few months here and there, where I was dragged out, in which I lost weight and got out and socialised, but I always felt like a fraud.
I still worked through all this. I was either known as the angry fat man or the jolly fat man, as humour became another of my defence mechanisms but my anger sometimes won out. Having a work ethic probably kept me from going insane, it also kept me in jobs that I otherwise could or perhaps should have lost. During these jobs, I also learned to lie well. About how I was, what I was really feeling, why I couldn't attend this work do or that party or gathering. Hiding my depression and pain became second nature.
The last few years, I've gotten a little better, I don't hate myself any more, well at least not everyday, but going out is still a struggle and I feel drained afterwards. Not hating myself and feeling good about myself are two different things though. I've lost ten and a half stone in nine months but I'm still fat. My potential has passed, I look at the youth and feel like a cautionary tale.
I'm not a stupid man, nor am I lazy, but I am one that needs to be pushed and I'm nearly always, self imposed as it is, alone. Been a few of you in this group, knowingly or unknowingly that have given me a push when I've needed it. It's on dark, cold, bad nights like this that I've got to say thank you for that, so Thank You.
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