Gis a game!

Name: Tasonga

Age: 26
 
Position: left back

Unique Skills: able to fuking defend, can land a cross on a teammate's head.

Minutes: can play at least 5 minutes, but willing to die for the red shirt every single second.  

Cost: a home walking distance to anfield.

Things I wont do: give up when we are a goal down.

Favourite word or phrase: 'Fergie is a SOB'

Name: HR (It's ok there will be no confusion with our current captain )

Age: 32

Position: Centre Mid.

Unique skills: Can pass with both feet, Can take decent free-kicks and corners.

Minutes: 10 if lucky!

Cost: Just tell the Dole it was for charity.

Things I won't do: Sulk, whine, moan, wave my arms about like an idiot, talk and feed information undermining yourself and the club to "matey" journalists.

Favourite word or phrase: c**t.

Name: Eem

Age: 18 and a half.

Position: Right/left wing.

Unique skills: I don't offer much in terms of technical ability, but my spirit is second to none.

Minutes: 15 minutes of pure attacking prowess.

Cost: I'll do it for free, just to help my club.

Things I won't do: Everything El Hadji Diouf does.

Favourite word or phrase: Bellend.

Cost: Just tell the Dole it was for charity.

Every team needs a raging alcoholic to be the team bad boy.

I'm your man.

Shout!

Name: Reprobate

Age: 31

Position: Left Midfield (but better than JD)

Unique skills: Not scared of the touchline and left footed (so you might want to put me at RB, Rafa)

Minutes: More than Aquilani.

Cost: I'd play for the pride (and an Audi R8)

Things I won't do: Kick the ball straight (I'll fit right in)

Favourite word or phrase: 'Character' (in a Spanish accent)

Name: Andy 'Goal Machine' Higgins

Age: 20

Position: Striker, move over nando

Unique skills: Quick, for all of about 30 yards then i lie down in a heap gasping for air (wont matter though as the ball will be in the back of the net, giving me time to recover, and i can make my pain look like a celebration )
Minutes: All i need is 10 minutes

Cost: 20 mayfair darks and a few beer after each game

Things I won't do: Cry at the ref which seems to be all were good at these days

Favourite word or phrase: Bout ye?

Name:pragnorok

Age: 43

Position: 69 or it maybe somewhere in the kama sutra

Unique skills: I can communicate really F***ing loudly & tell prima donnas to calm the F**k down when they arent getting their own way..

Minutes: 90 (recently just done that in the Dads v the lads match I was fu**ed after though)

Cost: In the immortal words of John Inman "Im free"

Things I won't do: Get stroppy when the ref doesnt give a foul when Im not touched, try and give a decent touch on the ball and relise that the principles of the game are "Width, depth, penatration pass move and shoot.

Favourite word or phrase: In the famous phrase from Berlisconi chairman of AC Milan after his team lost the champions league final in 2005 "What the fcuk happend there?"

Position:  Behind the striker (Preferably Torres)

Unique skills: Sneaking into the hole

Is that just my dirty mind, what ever it made me laugh.

Gerrard wouldn't be amused.

Is that just my dirty mind, what ever it made me laugh.

Gerrard wouldn't be amused.

You can add

Minutes: A very powerful 5, but can last the whole game.

to that.

Cracking thread JD - made me laugh the day after another sh*t game.

Name: SM

Age: 38

Position: CB

Unique skills: Guaranteed to get booked for a wild lunge so will wait until we play Chelsea or Man U before going for the red card.

Minutes: Probably 45 minutes now providing I can just sit on the edge of our area.

Cost: I have always been cheap.

Things I won't do: Pretend to like the person I am shaking hands with before each game. I hate all that bollox.

Favourite word or phrase: F**k off Ref I never touched him....!!

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name: InertObject

Age: 19

Position: Right Back

Unique skills: Pretty good with a bow and arrow, I'll take out the other team

Minutes: 75 (I can be your first player subbed, i fit in with your decisions)

Cost: Car, House, Model gf/wife (they aint cheap), new owners.. yum

Things I won't do: Play sh*te

Favourite word or phrase: We had confidence, no?

Name: Max Power  (If that doesnt strike fear into the oppo then nothing will)

Age: 33

Position: CM, ACM, RM, RWB, ST, LM, LWB, DC, RB, LB.

Unique skills: Modesty and ability to run about like a crisp packet blowing in the wind just like my mate Dirk.

Minutes: 90 if half time lasts a day and im allowed a sleep.

Cost: Ten minutes with my mate Dirk.

Things I won't do: Use the phrase " Nice pass Dirk "

Favourite word or phrase: "Substitution for Liverpool, number 18 Dirk Kuyt"   

To Rafa Benitez and the Liverpool Coaching Staff,

Name : Frizzby

Age : 48

Position : Benchwarmer

Unique Skills: almost as good as Dmasta at Mumu (Damn him ) ! AND  just like Phil Neal did with Graham (turnip head ) Taylor, I can agree with everything Rafa says !

Minutes: as many as I can manage before Senor Rafa tells me to "Shut the f**k up !

Cost : Pay my mortgage off before they forclose on me !

Things I won't do : tell all these 30+  wannabe footballers on this thread that they're past it ! (whoops I already have done !)

Favourite word or phrase : "We won it 5 times "

Name: Dovis will do

Age: Depends on what you want me to do.

Position: See above.

Unique skills: Can blast the ball.

Minutes: Depends on the width of the goal.

Cost: See above.

Things I won't do: Slip when taking a penalty.

Favourite word or phrase: F**k that.

Name: Slinn

Age: 24 (height of my career)

Position: Goal

Unique Skills: Beat Doctor

Minutes: In goal, the full 90 (98 at Old Trafford)

Cost: I will play for nothing, however, i want some new decks, a turle and a season ticket for Papa, sure the club has some on the sneak

Things I won't do: Shag team mates birds, hit DJ's, send pictures of my johnson, sell stories to the sun, care more about money than the game

Favourite word or phrase: Pickle'lilly

Name: Brian


position: Absolutley anywhere(but apparentley goalkeeper is my best position)


Unique skills: Amazing abillity in the bar area


Minutes: depends on the night before


Cost: Absolutley F**k all it would be a the ultimate dream to pull on that jersey and walk onto anfield(a few perronnis wouldnt go a miss though.)


Things i wont do: cry,whinge,dive,berate teammates,hide when things are going wrong,nick anyones pint.


Favourite word or phrase: This season(oh for fucks sake)....otherwise (its your round).

Name: crouchinho

Age: 17

Position: Right wing

Unique skills: I have a good engine AND can shoot, pass and dribble. So i'm unlike any other winger we've had for a while.

Minutes: 3. Enough time for a hat trick.

Cost: Your ma.

Things I won't do: Show heart. That usually gets you a run in the side these days doesn't it?

Favourite word or phrase: Allardyce.

name: artc,
age: 69
position: anywhere really, as i just tend to stand around and watch the ball pass me by.
unique skills: i know some cracking jokes and love to drink
real ale.
minutes: the full 90 as i don't intend to do very much, although i can trip up players going past.
cost: £65 as that's the cost of  three nights out on the ale.
things i won't do: never ever admit that the Mancs are a good team and that Shreck is any good.
my favourite saying: when watching the match on TV, they should shove that replay button up their A**E

Quality posts there lads, keep 'em coming 

Name: Mohammad Abdullah (I've always been costly  )

Age: 21

Position: CB

Unique skills: I speak English very well and have the potential to speak Spanish if needed. Good in the air; 189 cm tall

Minutes: If we're playing attacking football and having possession then maybe 90 mins

Cost: Free, I'll make up for the name

Things I won't do: Score an own goal 

Favourite word or phrase: Determination.

Quality posts there lads, keep 'em coming  

what about you smiggs ...what can you do for the team ! I'm sure these guys need our help ! 

what about you smiggs ...what can you do for the team ! I'm sure these guys need our help ! 

I'm working on it    Masseuse or Tea Lady maybe